Why Does a Five Year Old Who Is in Custody of a Caregiver Constanly Wets His Pa

Why are YOU caregiving for this child when you don't understand child development? Five year olds don't have a lot of inner discipline. Just because you have known him from birth doesn't make you a caregiver.

Take some parenting classes. If you don't, this child will continue to deteriorate. With DCF involved, there has been bad parenting involved and this child has been put through the mill. Do you not know that there is more to be worried about than wetting his pants and inner discipline?

This child needs someone to help him who knows how to take care of children. I hope you will care enough about the child to get him some help.

It is sad that DCF allows you to care for foster children. You clearly don't care and apparently skipped all the classes required to foster children

this sort of 'question' makes my heart hurt.
a tiny fellow who has clearly had an awful time of it in his short, short life is now in the 'custody' (and that's just what it sounds like) of someone who is 'demanding' and can't understand why this small, small, confused person who has no consistency in his life might also feel out of control as regards his small, small, confused bladder.
who the hell gives tiny children to people this lacking in empathy?
i sure hope you get some training about how to care for tiny, lost people and how to make them feel safe if you're going to keep 'custody' of this little inmate.
khairete
S.

I've never met a 5 year old who had inner discipline. Sounds like this child has had a turbulent life. He's probably wetting his pants for emotional reasons. Fear or anxiety. Maybe try to be less demanding with him. He's only 5. I'm 40 and some times I still lack inner discipline.

Your description is very brief so it's hard to know enough to answer fully. But you say he's 5, he's been put into DCF custody, he's in a new school, and he has a new caregiver (you). Even if he knew you before, he's now in your care, and that's a massive adjustment.

Lots of 5 year olds have accidents, which is why every single kindergarten requires an extra set of clothes for each student. But this child in your care has been through 3 major life adjustments this year and must have a whole lot of trauma and securities. Poor child. He needs stability, patience, and consistent love (I don't care what happened in his prior life, being removed from his parents care is traumatic). And I would think that the least helpful thing, and possibly a 4th source of trauma, would be someone who is so disappointed in him and thinks he lacks inner discipline. You ask "What is the problem?" The problems are many and quite obvious from what you have written. And there may be more than you haven't even shared here.

Please do not try to talk this child out of peeing in his pants, punish him, or anything else on your own. He needs counseling (and you should assume that DCF social workers/case workers are horribly overworked and unable to provide this). You might also benefit from some parenting classes and some sessions with his pediatrician to learn more about early childhood development, particularly in cases of trauma and parental loss/abandonment.

poor sweet lost 5 yo kid :( how sad. And to have a demanding care giver on top of his predicament. Not much will help but love, time, patience and gentle guidance, which you seem to be lacking

Everything Diane B. said. For goodness sake, he's 5 years old and his life is going to hell in a hand-basket. Could you hold it together with all those changes going on? Take a deep breath, look at life from HIS perspective, heap some extra love on him, and get help for the both of you so you can both get through all these changes.

The kid hasn't had a lot of stability in his life.
It's going to take a long time for him to adjust.
You're going to have to be patient with him and it's going to be continuing a strain on your demanding nature.
You're the adult - you should be able to manage a lot better than the 5 yr old.

The problem is that this child is stressed out and you are making it worse. Please take a parenting class - preferably one specifically for kids in the dcf system. The child's case worker should be able to refer you.

What Suz said.
My son did this under stress until he was almost 7.
Please have some compassion and give this little guy a sense of safety and stability. It's what he needs more than anything. Potty training will resolve on it's own.

Both my kids would have pee accidents at age 5. They just were not quite there yet with remembering to go use the bathroom if they were busy doing something. But they both got it down by age 6. This poor child. Changing caregivers and changing schools is a LOT to deal with. I think you should deal with it by being a loving and gentle coach with TONS of patience. Tell him you know he can do it and you know he wants to be a big boy. Lots of hugs and high fives every time he gets it right. Be encouraging and loving. And just give it time. It might take a year or two. (Make sure to see what the pediatrician has to say about it as well). PS - My daughter who is 6 and a half was just yesterday talking to me about when she was 5 and would have accidents and how ashamed/embarrassed she felt. I never knew she felt that way...she was good at hiding her feelings. PPS - My daughter is in Kindergarten and every child leaves a change of clothes there due to accidents. It is normal for kids this age to be busy and forget to go to the bathroom. These are 5 and 6 year olds.

Hard to say - not really enough information here but I'd guess he's had a developmental setback. New schools can be a traumatic for little ones - it's a big change. School's a big deal to a little person. Some kids adapt quickly, others not so much. They can develop anxiety and regress (go back to an earlier point in their development). So can adjusting to new living arrangements and care - you mention you've been caring for him since October. Well that's not that long ago - he's still likely adjusting.
Keep in mind, new rules at school, new rules with you - it's a lot for someone who is small. He sounds like he's having trouble adapting. Which would be typical for a child in his situation.
I have kids who've always been with me, who went to preschool then school - and THEY were anxious and had some setbacks - my more shy/nervous kids.
The thing is - he's not doing it intentionally. It's not for attention.
There may be someone at your school who can help you - a counsellor or someone who can see how he's doing - emotionally and with all this change.
Just be encouraging, and keep it light (don't make huge deal) and pack extra clothes. If he can wear pull ups or something like that to ease any embarrassment .. you may have to be creative until he gets over this. Work with his teacher. Good luck :)

I agree with the others suggesting that you need to take a very different view on his potty accidents and state of mind. This LITTLE boy must be reeling, having gone through a home environment bad enough to get him put with a foster parent, living with a new parent, and starting a new school. The accidents are probably due entirely to that stress, as well as being a typical thing for 5 year olds. 2kidsmama has some great ideas for how to encourage him about the potty training, however you need to look at the bigger picture. Developmentally, no 5-year old has inner discipline--they're too young. They DO need consistency and lots of love, and this child in particular has to be convinced that you will love him, care for him, and will give him a safe place to land every time. That doesn't mean that you should let him do whatever he wants (eat junk, go to sleep late, run wild in the store, watch screens constantly, etc). Giving him THOSE kinds of boundaries is loving and building discipline in the long run, as long as it is done with kindness and affection. Bladder control is at the bottom of the list of behaviors you should expect from him right now.

Some counseling for him and parenting support for you would be helpful. Good luck with it, and update us on how it is going. You have a really important role to fill in this boy's life.

This is actually fairly common of 5 year olds. The kindergarten teachers at our school ask all parents bring in an extra set of clothes for their child. Not every child requires a change of clothes on a weekly basis, but just about every child needs a change of clothes at least a couple of times during the year.

Kindergarten is a huge change for most kids. I can't imagine how hard it must be for your little guys with all he's been through.

You know, if you're not up for the task of giving your all to this traumatized little person, then don't do it. Contact the case worker assigned to the kiddo and tell them you want out. This kid needs compassion, patience, and commitment. If you are unwilling to give that then he's better off without you.

You're demanding? He lacks inner discipline?

Inner discipline comes from security, which comes from being loved. No child has inner discipline. We as adults should have developed it, and we instill it in our children through the security of knowing they're loved, through clear boundaries and logical consequences, and through consistent routines and the safety of home.

A little child who didn't even exist on this planet more than 5 years ago is in the state's custody, has a demanding caregiver, has obviously had more than a couple of parental or guardian or caregiver situations, has probably experienced neglect or even violence, and is now been in a new home and school for less than a few months will not have inner discipline. He will have fear. Trepidation. Insecurity. Worry. Doubt.

Wetting his pants is not a sign of inner discipline. The problem is that he's unsure of life, of where he belongs, of what will happen if he is "not good enough".

Love him. Hug him. Soothe him. Provide him with safety.

As for the demands, be demanding. But of yourself, not him. Demand of yourself consistent and logical routines for him. Demand that you create an environment where a small child feels loved and safe. Demand of yourself the ability to create a confident boy who will grow up to be a confident young man who knew that he was loved, that there were rules (logical, applied with kindness and consistency, and boundaries, and logical and reasonable consequences for not obeying them), that he belonged somewhere.

In that way, you will create the inner discipline that you desire for him.

He doesn't have a lack of inner discipline. He is 5 and has been through a lot. You can be demanding but its more important that you be a loving support to him at this hard time. When he enters your home have him use the bathroom, wash his hands, and then maybe start your normal routine.

Reread Marda's and Elena B's and Suz's responses, and every other response that is telling you that your approach to this little boy is unduly harsh. Stop being "demanding" and don't label a 5 year old as being "lacking in inner discipline." Poor little thing. He's just a little boy. And put him in pullups if you have to, until he is emotionally able to stop wetting his pants.

Suz - yes, my heart hurts. Not just for this little guy but for all the little guys (and girls) out there in similar situations. And there are so many.

Y. - Do the best that you can for this little boy. Lean on the school counselor. Really who cares if he wets his pants? Give him time. And most of all, love.

new school, new caregiver, new situation. that could be causing regression. and its common in young children. work with the child and be compassionate. don't discipline the accidents, just clean them up and move on.
you will need to gently teach the child inner discipline and being demanding is not going to do that. he may need gentle reminders to use the potty, or there could be something medically wrong thats causing the accidents (something as simple as slightly constipated)
so find the cause of the accidents then take steps to correct the causes.

This isn't uncommon for kids this age. They do this in kindergarten and in child care. This is why kids have to bring an extra change of clothes and a plastic bag to kindergarten. I think it's because they have grown but their bladder hasn't.

This boy has also gone through a LOT of changes. If you have been through foster parenting classes you might remember how they talked about things that the kids have been through. Like a child that comes into a foster home and has a meltdown every time they go in the bathroom. There isn't any way of knowing exactly what they've been through in their bathroom at home. Kids who go through these issues might be feeling safe for the first time too, so they feel like they can let out their feelings. They can't express much about it yet but they can act out where they know they will still be loved and held close.