Why All the Judgements?

It is just opinions...
we come here to get opinions and varied views of things... so, for me, that is what I get.
I like seeing the variety... of "opinions" here.... strong opinions, tender opinions, thoughtful opinions, or rigid opinions.
It is just opinions... on what each person does or believes.
Its fine... I take it with a grain of salt.

Also, some people are not good "writers" and just write stream of thought... for their opinions. Its okay....
we are here to vent or seek help or to see what others are doing...
I don't think... that women post things and mean that only 'their way' is "correct." It is just an opinion and their feelings on it or what they do... and has or has not worked for them... and from personal life experiences.

But I think, that when someone does respond with an answer... they are meaning to "help" and offer their 'advice".... and therefore, it is 'supportive'.... because they are offering their gist of what they think or on how they think they would solve it or the problem.

all the best,
Susan

In regards to parenting, i think attachment parenting has really brought out the judgment in people, and all those who don't subscribe to attachment parenting are put on the defense. Having kids has taught me to be less judgmental of other people's style of doing things. I think a lot of mom's feel this way as well, but are less likely to be outspoken on these sites. Its the one's who strictly adhere to various parenting philosophies that tend to speak up more and that makes this site sometimes quite judgmental. Its also anonymous, so people say what they want to. So there is less graciousness on a forum like this. Do you encounter these judgments in real life or mostly on this site?

I actually wanted to post something about this. I asked about formula for my baby and I got responses saying "Why did you stop breastfeeding? You know, breast is best". DUH!!! But that's not my question. Some people can't breast feed!!!!

Part of the problem, at least in my eyes, is that things get lost in translation. I might mean something a certain way, but when someone else reads it, it comes across wrong. Another part of the problem is that we're all strangers. You don't know me. You don't know that I'm an over sarcastic person. When I give answers I really try to be as diplomatic and supportive as possible. I admit, it doesn't always work. I've actually gone back and read some of my comments and though "Oh my! That certainly didn't come across the right way!" People tend to want validation for their thoughts or opinions. Some one that uses formula doesn't want to be hounded by everyone saying "Breast is best!" So many times the answers that are received have nothing to do with the actual questions.
I know that there are some overly judgemental women on here (and out in the real world), but you kind of just have to take the good with the bad. If there's a negative response to a question I ask, I just ignore it. I think no matter what question you ask, you're going to get some negative feedback. I've asked what I totally thought were innocent questions and I got totally berated by several people. It's just the nature of the beast.
I often wonder if those women that are so aggressive in their responses are as aggressive in real life. There is such an anonimity with a site like this, it's easy to get aggressive and there's no real consequence. My rule of thumb is, if I wouldn't say it to your face in real life, I won't say it to you on the internet. Life would be much nicer if others followed that rule.
You just have to let the negative stuff roll off your back. We're all busy moms, we don't have time for that kind of stuff! :)

I think we do support each other. I also know that when I respond to a question not only am I passionate about my answer but I hope it helps/lends support/offers a different perspective to the other women reading it. In turn, when I ask a question it is because I want a variety of opinions and advice. One of the things I love about this site is the exposure I get to so many other view points. As with anything in life, occasionally you get a bad apple, but for the most part, IMO, the women who contribute to this site do so with the best intentions.

And so are men. Opinionated. lol I suggest that in society's search for a perfect life, many of us have been sucked in to believe that if we just do something in the correct way that we can have the perfect child. It's easy to believe that doing something "right" will work because in some minds the opposite outcome, that we will fail, is too fearful to consider. As a society, we've lost touch with much of our humanity, I'm sorry to say.

Because women are very opinionated.

What really gets my goat is when a mom responds to a question with her opinion and she is attacked by another mom for her response. For instance if I were to say, "I can't believe Page says that women are opinionated, she is so wrong and don't listen to her." Well, I think that is wrong. We are each entitled to our opinion and I wish that each would respect the opinions of other moms on this site. Just because you disagree with a mom's response doesn't mean they should be singled out or belittled.

This site is about sharing our opinions. I don't feel it's about judgement at all. Feeling judged comes from within. I love reading everyone's opinions on what they think should be done.... it's not about judgement at all J..

The polite response would be: because all the moms here are passionate about being moms and feel very strongly about what they post and some, in their passion, just forget to be tactful.

The rude response would be: because some people are just too closed minded and ignorant to realize there are many paths to the same goal.

So, if you don't want to get slammed, berated, dissed, and told how stupid, foolish or ignorant you are, don't post a question. Or, if you do post, simply state the kind of response you're looking for, such as "Supportive responses only" or "Kind words only, please...I feel bad enough."

It might work...

HI J.,
I haven't had this experience on this site! For the most part I find people to be supportive and helpful, and only occasionally see the responses that are judgmental and critical. I don't know... I feel like we can only do our best with the information we have, but when you ask for other people's opinions, you'll always get people who are trying to be self-righteous and people who are trying to help.
Just take the positive and don't worry about the rest!! :)

I haven't really noticed that a lot on here from the questions I've read/posted, except for one lady but i put her in her place and told her DO NOT answer my questions in the future. I don't mind constructive criticism but a full on attack, absolutely not. And i was able to report her response and it was removed.
Otherwise I only have that problem with my mother in law.

I agree there are woman on here like that. I try to blow it off. What really upsets me is when someone will post a mean comment only and not even try to help w/ the persons question. I find that to be very rude.

Reading your follow up, it seems like you are asking a meta question about forums, or perhaps this forum in particular?

A few months ago, sick of the back and forth on this site and ready to take a break, I wrote a piece about forums for my blog. The crux of it is simply this: a forum is a forum. It's the internet equivalent of standing in the town square, shouting out your problem to everyone who can listen, and getting *everyone's* advice. Chances are, you are likely going to get a few tomatoes thrown at you because not everyone is nice. Not everyone is educated and not everyone is having a good day. (I am not saying that everyone who posts unhelpful/nasty advice is mean/stupid/ or having a bad day, by the way....)

Not to mention: There is a whole host of hot-button issues on this site, and some, frankly, I steer away from because my opinion isn't really going to make a difference. People have very strong feelings about these topics, and often their own histories. Our histories weigh in heavily on how we feel and how passionate we are as we write. I know I've been very outspoken when I read posts/replies that advocate abusive disciplinary measures. Thankfully, those can be reported as abusive and removed.

I've myself am at a point that I am just trying to give advice from my experiences, and to support other mothers as best I can. As someone who has worked with kids for a long, long time, this involves a bit of reflection as to what exactly is going to help *this* mother, because no topic has a universally-correct answer.

Add to this that "my best" is often perceived in our society as a mutually exclusive positive... that is to say, we often do think that "what's best for me is best for everyone else", when in fact, there are just other ways of parenting that make each of us itchy. It's hard to look away when other people suggest things that make us feel itchy, and it's hard to understand what about it is actually upsetting to us.

I myself can stand to be more reflective in my parenting, as can we all. Mostly, though, we all just move through life, doing the best we can in our own ways.

I totally agree with you. I used to view this site as the perfect place to come for advise and support. I see way to much judgement and controversy here lately. We all have our own ways and our own views. We should offer our views and opinions as suggestions, not the end all answer.
I will say this though, I think that typing can be misleading also. Sometimes we read a response with a certain sense of "attitude" that maybe the writter didn't intend. For example, I tend to read ALL of my MIL's texts to me with a certain air of snarkiness and sarcasm, however I might be adding that myself.
I appreciate you writing this today. We should all think a little about our views and opinions and how we can use them to support and encourage instead of judge and critisize.

yeah, i get that a lot on here. I am very opinionated, and speak my mind, but direct attacks.....never.

Because raising children goes along the same lines as religion and politics. It's mostly done on faith and if you waiver for one second you may lose it.

With that being said...people do say things on here that they would never dream of saying in person. Sometimes anonymity is a gift and sometimes it is most decidedly not.

Right on Christine!! I have been full on attacked by just some of the littlest things. Once I was mad that my parents (I live with them) and they refuse to babyproof. Not only babyproof put leave buckets of water around, my dad fixes blackpowder guns and leaves all sorts of parts (all sharp metal and choke hazard) on the ground. I then was told that she didn't have to babyproof because she ACTUALLY watched her kids. .. .Ummm i'm human and look away at some point. So yeah, there are a lot of judgmental people who think that they are all better then the next. And yes, we can dream about a better world.

I too don't think that anyone "supports" each other on here. They only give suggestions on what they think needs to be done! I actually wish that the poster of a question had full run of that question, and could delete any response she wanted. If that were the case, I would have deleted many many of the responses I've gotten.

.

I agree! I think this site should be used for suggestions, helpful hints and support. As parents we need all the help we can get, minus the judgements :)

Some great answers!

I just want to add that I always try to keep the perspective that humans are remarkably resilient and the world is full of enormous diversity in child-rearing, and has been for thousands of years. We all do what we believe is best for our children. Most of them manage to turn out okay and love us anyway :)

I too try to answer based on my own experiences and express it in terms of "this is what worked for me" but yeah, it might not work for someone else and that's okay!

I say great job to all the mamas! Keep your chins up!

If you don't like what one has to say move on to the next.We all have our input our questions our answers(right or wrong) our suggestions rather right or wrong your on here to ask questions get suggstions or an answer to an issue all our personlities are different we talk, chat, text, blog the way we are some are short & sweet,blunt to the point,go far beyond explaining the point,thinkers,etc.There are some that can be a littler nicer but I don't care they can say what they want I take as o'well your not going to ruin my day with your response.Don't take what other's posting to heart you don't know them they don't know you.We as a whole raise our kids the way WE want to & the way WE feel that is best We are our childrens mother WE support our children I don't need another mother(s) to support me on how I raise my children there are questions with motherhood parenting our children marraige I simply look at it as another point of view when I ask a question maybe i'll be able to look at it differently.

When I first joined this site I was amazed at some of the " tones" moms use and incorrect assumptions the tend to mske. Now I am totally used to it and more able to ignore the nasty or "know it all" types but it took a loooong time. :)

Hi J.,

I just read the posts I am interested in and ignore the advice I don't agree with. Just like in day to day life--- take what is good out of a situation and leave the rest. As a frequent responder on this site- I try not to be judgemental. I speak from my experience and state the facts from what I know or have experienced. I leave the negativity behind and focus on the root of the problem and how to help the person who asked the question~I hope others will do the same.

M

It is so funny to read this post because your newest post regarding the Don't ask, Don't tell policy was ALL about judgement onto others who didn't share your views.

I agree it would be a much better world if we could agree to disagree & left it at that without the name calling.