Who's More Strict in Your Household?

Dad is the lawmaker, judge, jury, and enforcement division of the house
Mom is the caregiver, booboo kisser, soft warm hugger.

Dad says NO!
Mom says Ok sweetheart

4 moms found this helpful

I think generally the parent that is "with" the kid/s more HAS to be more the disciplinarian, right? In my house that would be me.
When you're the one getting them up, making sure they have their homework finished, fed, dressed for school & to the bus on time, in bed at the "normal" time--you pretty much HAVE to have rules, right? So there's more opportunity for braining of said rules.
My husband is a great dad, don't get me wrong, and he backs me up, like your husband does. But it's a sham. He's a sucker!
After all, you don't NEED to be strict when you're playing basketball, and generally being a goofball, right? LOL

4 moms found this helpful

We have the same dynamic as you. I'm the one home the most, I'm in charge, the kids know I can handle myself, and their dad does have my back if he's home. HOWEVER, I'm more calm and methodical in my approach, where as dad can get PO-ed a lot quicker (this only accounts for snapping and yelling at times, not physical punishment which is never doled in anger in our house) but it's amazing how one "sharp" word from dad puts the kids in line for weeks :-0 I dont' think he's actually had to do more than snap at them more than once or twice in 6 years....So even though I'm "tougher", I do tend to pull him aside and tell him to "tone it down" if he's "randomly annoyed" rather than disciplining properly.

3 moms found this helpful

We take turns it seems depending on the day, though we both generally agree on discipline tactics and have a very similar breaking point. If I'm way stressed, he will step in and vice-versa. I have a hard time enforcing discipline, simply because I'm home all day with the kids so I'm not as scary or something to them, so they don't stay in time-out for me like they do for daddy. Who knows?

And THANK YOU for your fire station comment. I said that to my friend one day in jest because I was having a horrendous week with the kids, and she almost called cps on me. What a jerk!

3 moms found this helpful

I pretty much do most of the disciplining but my husband seems to have more control. He's laid back and fun but the kids are WAY more obedient when he's home. He just has to look at them and they straighten up. They straighten up the moment they hear the key in the lock. He thinks it's because I'm not consistent but I am. =D They've always been that way and all my kids are that way including my almost 2 year old. LOL And he's not ultra strict or anything. He just has that effect on everyone, including adults. Maybe it's because he's big and he just looks like you shouldn't mess with him even though he's a big goof ball. =D

3 moms found this helpful

me, and daddy is awesome... he gets all the love and hugs. I get the cold glares and sassy talk :(

2 moms found this helpful

I often wondered this as well. My husband is the disciplinarian and I am the enabler :(. I have his back so we are on the same page in front of the children but behind closed doors!!!!!!!!!!! he just seems so STRICK to me but I am starting to see the postive results.

2 moms found this helpful

It's funny to see that for many of us nowadays, it's the mom rather than the dad in generations past. My husband/their dad can give them a look that would make them cringe but I don't involve him unless I'm at my wit's end and it's time to call in the "big guns." Honestly, I think I could have written your entry word for word.. funny! He just tells me to let him know when he needs to get involved. Our kids are very well behaved, definitely know their boundaries and deal with me most often if there's any issues. This has worked for us wonderfully for 25 years of marriage now with the kids .. oldest in college and youngest in middle school.

2 moms found this helpful

i have this lovely fantasy that it's me. i was the one who did most of the homeschooling and chore overseeing and so forth, and i think i'm WAY scarier and meaner than the ol' man. the boys adore him, and look up to him, so clearly he's the soft touch and i'm the whip, right?
and yet it's not really so. i can reason, storm, threaten, deliver, cajole, compromise, go on strike and unleash the kraken, and things pretty much go as before. but let my husband lower his brows and intone 'we have to have a talk' and the boys are turning themselves inside out to comply.
i find it very aggravating.
khairete
S.

2 moms found this helpful

It's really odd at our house. I am the daily disciplinarian, especially with our 11 yo daughter. I am the one that says, "You can't wear those shorts, no you may not wear eye shadow to school, no you can't have a bikini because you wrap a gift, no you can't call boys just yet." When I ask my husband for back up for that stuff, he just looks confused and says, "Listen to your mother." She openly says I will be the one at the door polishing guns and sharpening knives on her first date.

He, on the other hand, has OCD so he is the chore nazi. He hates when stuff is on the floor, or the trash is too full, or all the dishes don't make it into the dishwasher. He also has a problem with when they get upset. He has a "suck it up" attitude while I have a "use your words and tell me what's wrong" vibe.

I set most of the rules and consequences but he steps in when things annoy him and is all, "We're gonna tighten this ship, folks." It's kind of funny because no one really listens until they are in trouble. I think because he fusses instead of talks.

He's also the resident playmate.

2 moms found this helpful

It depends. I am more strict about bath time, getting to bed on time, homework, limiting TV and chores.
He is more strict about behavior (I pick my battles and let some of the little stuff slide) and eating.
We each kind of have our own department but we always support each other, no undermining, and occasionally step in (like you said) when the other has reached the end of their rope.

1 mom found this helpful

Pretty much the same in my house as you have described, except my husband is very inconsistent. It would be one thing if he were consistently the slack one on the discipline, but instead, he chooses moments of being a dictator. He'll say 'no' to things and I can't understand why. The kids will leave the room and I'll say "Why did you tell her no to that?" and he'll say, "I don't know", and I think he's being completely unreasonable. Sometimes he'll yell at them for doing something that we normally let them do, and for those times I will call him out on it. I try very hard never to do it in front of our kids, but it irks me like crazy!!! Either be the disciplinarian or don't!! You don't get to pick and choose... LOL! Got me started on a rant.

1 mom found this helpful

My hubby has a lot of guilt from having to work so much, so when he CAN spend time with the kids, he hates having to tell them "no," much to my dismay. I can see where he's coming from, but it is very frustrating for me to have to be "bad cop" every day.

1 mom found this helpful

my ex is the softy and hardly desciplines at all. He's the FUN DAD...
Although my bf is probably equally as strict as M., maybe a little more in some ways. He mostly makes sure my rules are follwed...some days I'm more relaxed about if certain rules arent being follwed (eating all your veggies...) I'll be rgith about to give in and before I do he'll warn her and then I back him up. I have to say its nice to be backed upa lot..but Im realzing now how often I would've given in had I had no back up at the end of the day when I'm super sleepy

1 mom found this helpful

I don't think that either of us is more strict, but I do think that I am more "understanding" and ruled a bit more by emotion. If the kids are sad, I am more likely to give in on small things (like taking them to the store with me rather than going by myself, just small things like that where, yes, it does add a bit of inconvenience for me, but it is not really a big deal). My husband is more apt to be stubborn about things that I think are inconsequential, like making them eat everything on their plate (where I would think, just eat till you are full, but no treats afterward if you don't eat your dinner). I am more permissive in what I allow them to wear (4 year old only wants boy clothes, likes to wear her Batman suit when we run errands, and that is just fine with me. Husband would not allow that, his ideas about what "presentable" is differ from mine!) My husband is much more permissive though when it comes to activities; I am more protective whereas he maybe sees the kids as a little coddled...his upbringing was much more free and easy; they lived on a farm and the kiddos were off doing whatever they wanted without parents hovering over them, from an early age. So he would allow the kids more freedom than I would.

I think in the end, it comes down to very different upbringings, plus I am around the kids all day, every day so I know them better, plus I research child rearing/spend time on Mamapedia/talk to other moms online and in person/do all the communication with the kids' teachers, so we have different perspectives on things.

1 mom found this helpful

Since hubby is only home on weekends - I am. But the kids know they better listen to dad when he is home!

1 mom found this helpful

My husband's idea of 'being the disciplinarian' is walking with heavy feet! I am so serious! He does this thing where he walk really hard to their room when we know they are doing something wrong, so they hear him coming and they have time to stop what they are doing...I kid you not! That is how his father did it when he was younger and now that is what he does. It cracks me up! He is giving them an out...HA!

So yeah, I am the disciplinarian!

1 mom found this helpful

Same here. My husband is home with the kids and they will call me for permission to do something. I have to tell them to ask their dad, he's home with em. And is I am on the phone with my husband and tell him any extra chores I had told them to do. He tells me to tell them and puts them on the phone. But, he does get strict with them as well.

1 mom found this helpful

We are both pretty much the same, which I hope doesn't bite us in the future. I always thought it was good when one parent in a little more strict. Oh well, we'll figure it out!

1 mom found this helpful

Well I am a single parent and I am strict. So I guess it is easier for me as there is no discussion with another parent. Its my way or the highway!! lol When my brothers and sister were growing up my mom was defo the disciplinarian but my dad had her back and when she used to say "wait till your dad gets home" we would be so scared because we would think - wow if mom isn't dealing with it this must be bad, but the thing is my dad was and is the biggest, softest, emotional guy ever!! You would never mess with him but we could wrap him round our finger no problem. This has also carried on with the grandkids. :-)

1 mom found this helpful

I'm softer but I'm more consistent. My husband is definitely more strict, but he's wildly inconsistent. Some days the kids will do something and he'll laugh or ignore it, other days the same behavior will make him snap and then he's yelling at them or sending them to their rooms. That drives me nuttier than anything...be soft or strict, but be predictable.

We're starting a "behavior modification" plan this week under the guidance of a family therapist. It will be interesting to see how it works...a lot of it is stuff that I've done before but my husband was either not on board or against it but now he seems to be on board so I hope he can learn to be consistent and that good results will follow.

Here's an example of me being soft...my oldest son is working on homework and lunches (doing his homework, not buying school lunch when he's not supposed to). He had a typed draft of a story due today. He typed half on Monday, we talked about it yesterday and he agreed to finish it, print it and leave it on my desk. He didn't. He had to print it this morning, realized he didn't type the rest of it, e-mailed it to himself and is planning on finishing it during a free period and getting it in by the end of the day. He thinks it "counts" as done if he hands it in today, I said that it doesn't "count" because he didn't complete the homework at home as promised so therefore he will have to cancel his after school plans to hang out with a girl he likes, loses phone privileges for the day and he can try to do better this afternoon and make plans for another day. The soft part? In all the chaos, he forgot to bring his lunch...so I'll run that up to school for him so that he doesn't have to face the choice of either being hungry or buying lunch without permission. I know that I should just let him be hungry...but the thought of my kids not eating just kills me. So I can hold the line on some things but totally rescue the kids on others, which is what I have to work on.

1 mom found this helpful

It was me. Hubby traveled so much that it was left to me. When he came home he would expect the kids to change to his schedule and listen to him. Our son was about 3.5 when hubby told him to do something and our son told his dad "you aren't the boss of me, she is" pointing to me. Hubby was floored. My comment to him was when you are gone 75 to 80 percent of the time they (kids) don' know you. I also had to explain to my husband that we were not changing our schedule to meet his. He was the one who was going to adapt to us. We are here he is not. He will make the accommodations not us.

Kids are grown now.

1 mom found this helpful

Mommy is the bad guy - Daddy is the good guy, 90% of the time. My husband tends to let my daughter get by with everything - she really does have him wrapped around his little finger. Has since birth. He is a little stricter with my son, but he usually turns it over to me, as I will actually have a conversation with him about where things went wrong with the choices he has made. My hubby just winds up yelling, which isn't conducive to anything.

1 mom found this helpful

I am, I am just better at it. My husband doesn't have the follow through necessary for it. :)

1 mom found this helpful

My husband is definitively more strict. I let a lot of things go and am pretty lax about most things. My husband is much more strict and doesnt let my 3 year old get away with the half the amount of stuff I do. :o

1 mom found this helpful

My husband admits that he has a harder time with discipline than I do. He's very uncomfortable with the idea of any of his little girls being angry or upset with him and lashing out with, "I hate you!" because he's enforcing a rule or, you know, experiencing some of the more difficult parts of parenting. ;-)

He's getting better at it, though. He models what I've been teaching him and when it works, it encourages him for the next time. In general the kids know that if there's Big Trouble that I'm the one who's going to deal with it for the long term and Daddy is going to back me up. If he's unsure how to handle something when I'm not there, he either ignores it or initiates a time out. He's just not big on confrontation. As I said, he's getting better about it and it's a work in progress.

On the flip side, he grew up with a special needs sibling so he has a lot of insights into having a special needs child and has a way with our middle daughter that's so compassionate and gentle and endlessly patient that it melts my heart. It comes naturally to him even if he doesn't know the ins and outs of the Autism Community and the research about it. He's perfectly suited to be her Daddy and the daddy to all girls.

1 mom found this helpful

We are just about the same strict-wise... my poor kids don't have a "softy" to go to! LOL! We both have each others backs, agree and support each other. We may have different ideas sometimes, but always end up either agreeing or compromising when it comes to raising the kids. ...and we are PRETTY strict, compared to other households we know. We gotta lively bunch of girls, that get insanely crazy in an instant, so we gotta be one step ahead at all times! hahaha...

Now, who reaches their breaking point more (you know, the selling to the gypsies threat)? I do. Who gets irritated more quickly however(but gets over it just as quickly)? He does. See, we both are frazzled, but in different ways! :) :) Who is there to help even things out? The one who isn't stressed out at the time.

Oh, but we have lots of fun, too!

ME because I know that whatever bad habits created from lack of discipline will come back to bite me because I am home with him all day long and dealing with him more than my working hubby :)

Our house works exactly like your house. I'm the disciplinarian, and my husband supports me completely.

Me. When it comes down to it, I put up with less nonsense. DH talks too much. If he puts DD in time out, he'll keep talking to her. I told him to stop. The POINT of time out is to sit and think about what you did, not discuss it.

We support each other, but because I also have stepkids, he's the primary disciplinarian for them.

ME, and he's my back up

I'm the disciplinarian. My husband will tell me when he thinks discipline is in order, but it's pretty much up to me to hand it out. He can't bring himself to discipline our darling GD - she has him wrapped around her little finger!