Whinning 16 Month Old

Dear Mom, It may sound mean, but sometimes you have to let them whine and work it out on thier own. She has got to learn that Mom sometimes has to do other things, otherwise when the baby gets here you are really gonna have a problem. Basicly what she is doing is getting more attention, be it positive or negative, it is still attention!! You have to determine what is a real need and what is "attention getting". It is not an easy thing to do, but sometimes you have to walk away and let her have her moment of sounding off. As long as she is safe and can not harm herself, let her go, only intervene if she is in danger.
I am a mother of 3, grandmother of 2 and have done daycare off and on for over 25 years.
good luck!!!

Abbey: I am a parent advocate in Iowa and also a mom of five children. I have had to deal with whining alot and also I have taught parenting classes to young moms. I am including a handout that I give to parents. The website that I pulled the information from is a good one. I hope it is helpful.

Whining
Understanding your child, yourself, and the situation

Children do what works. If your child is whining, he or she is getting a response from you. Oddly enough, children seem to prefer punishment and anger to no response at all. Whining is usually based on the goal of seeking undue attention. This child believes, “I belong only if you pay constant attention to me—one way or another.” For some children, it is the only method they know to get their needs met. Other children go through a whiny time and it then disappears as quickly as it started. Some of the suggestions here may seem contradictory, depending on whether they address the belief or behavior. Choose the approach that feels best for you.

Suggestions:

1. Every time your child whines, take him/her on your lap and say, “I bet you need a big hug.” Do not say anything about the whining or what the child is whining about—just hug until you both feel better.
2. Let you child know that you love him/her but can’t stand the whining. Tell him/her that if he/she whines, you will leave the room. Say, “I’ll be happy when you stop whining so we can spend some time together.” Then, leave the room. If the child follows, go to the bathroom and lock the door. Turn on the radio if you need to drown out the noise (whining). It is more effective if you say nothing but just follow through with what you have said. Kind and firm actions speak louder and more effectively than words.
3. Address the problem your child is whining about by saying, “Let’s put that on the list to talk about later at a family meeting.” And then go on. Ignore the whining.

Planning ahead to prevent future problems

1. Plan for regular, scheduled special time with your child to help them feel special, important and that they belong.
2. During a happy time, work out a signal with your child about what you will do when you hear whining. Perhaps you will put your fingers in your ears and smile. Another possibility is to put your hand over your heart and pat it as a reminder that, “I love you.”
3. Tell your child what you are going to do: “When you whine, I will leave the room. Please let me know when you are will to talk in a respectful voice so I will enjoy speaking to you.” Another thing to try with a more mature child is, “It’s not that I don’t hear you. I just don’t want to have a discussion with you until you use your regular voice. I don’t hear whiny voices.”
4. Have regular family meetings so there is a specific time your family can discuss issues and your child knows it.

Life skills children can learn

Children can learn that their parent love them but will not fall for their manipulative tactics. Children feel better about themselves when they learn effective skills to deal with their needs and wants.

Excerpt from “Positive Discipline” website.

My son is going through same thing and he's 23 months but it started around 18 month mark.
He is looking for your full attention when he does that. I try to give it to him before I start a task, then I give him a project to do while I'm doing it. For example, "Can you race these cars around the rug while I cook?" "Will you put these stickers on this paper while I make a phone call?" Whatever to distract him.
Also, in the worst of it when the tantrums start, I know this sounds funny, I start to "throw a tantrum" too. He starts laughing and then, it's over. It's about attention and distraction.
Hang in there!

I agree with Christy's response about nipping it in the bud by never responding when she whines, but I also wanted to mention that this is the perfect age to have her start helping you with YOUR tasks when you need to focus on that instead of her. Maybe she would enjoy being included in what you're doing. I read a little bit about this in the book by Paula Polk Lillard.....I think it's called Montessori from the Start. Basically, it takes more patience on your part to actually TEACH your child to help cook, clean up, etc., but in the end it teaches your kids all these great skills and when they're older they will be more of a help to you. (Imagine all those parents who let their kids "just play" while mom cooked & cleaned and now they have teenagers who barely peel their eyes from the TV screen when mom says "Clean your room." That's one thing I'm trying to avoid.)

All of this becomes even more fun when you start browsing the Montessori Services catalog to find child sized kitchen, yard, and household tools. I would think it's better to order that type of holiday or birthday gift rather than those annoying battery operated toys that kids want but end up tossing aside after a couple weeks. (The possibilities are endless!) See the website www.montessoriservices.com.

See how fun this could be? Sorry I don't have any bright ideas about how to have her stop whining when you're trying to rest, etc., but I know those other moms out there will have some great tips for you. Good luck!

it sounds like the terrible two's to me.

Abbey,

Sounds like you've already gotten some good advice. She may be a little young, but the quiet place for her to go when she is whining seems to work well.

You telling her no over and over again probably escalates the problem. Try to stay calm....I know sometimes that is not easy, but you will get positive results from not reacting to her whining....that is what she wants.

Don't reward her for whining by giving her attention...that will only make her want to whine more.

You will be surprised how quickly she will adjust if you are consistent and follow through.

How does she do with naps??? It sounds like she might be over-tired....maybe she needs more sleep. A short nap in the morning and a 2 - 3 hour nap in the afternoon is my usual schedule for a 16 month old. You can get them into this routine, too, with consistency. Changing habits only takes a few days if you follow through, and don't give in. Well rested babies make happier babies.

Good luck!

C.

Hi Abbey,

I have a 15 month old daughter and she has been doing this
A LOT lately too. It drives me crazy, and I am not pregnant so you are NOT alone. My daughter can talk pretty well, at least she can say what she needs, tells me yes and no, better than some, so her communication is pretty good in my opinion but I still think the whining is out of frustration. I try to stay patient with her but some times, like you said, it is during times when I need to get things done.

A couple of times, when my husband is around, he has taken over, and I have stepped out for a bit to relax. I also have dropped what I was doing a couple of times to play with her one on one for a bit--and I noticed that some times that works, and she starts to play on her own while I get done what I need to get done.

I have also had a friend tell me that when her daughter wakes in the AM and for naps she spends 20mins one on one playing with her--she said once the 20mins is up, she usually will play nicely by herself--I tried it a couple of times and seemed to work for me too.

Just some suggestions--I will be excited to see the other posts, I could use the advice too!

Good Luck!

My son is 17 months and has been doing this for a while as well. On monday night I got maybe 3 hours of sleep. I would probably say that she is getting in her 1 year molars. My son is getting his and since the top ones are here and the bottoms are coming in he has been extra crabby. I would suggest some soothing gel on her gums or even freeze a damp cloth and let her chew on it. My son loves this and even though he wants on my lap all the time he doesn't whine as much. This is the age where they start learning their independence and what they can and cannot do on their own. She is probably just telling you that her mouth is sore and that she just wants the extra love and attention. When little ones don't feel good they don't know how to tell us so they do it by whining. If you ignore it it should get better as well. I know from experience with my oldest that the more attention they get than they want it all the time and that they will do whatever they can to get it.

My daughter started the whinning around 16 months too, she is now 2 years old and still does it once in awhile, but not as much.

What I have found to work is I tell her to sit in her corner (time out place) and she can get up once she is done. Actaully I think we started this around 18 months so I am not sure if that would work yet (but could try).

Sometimes saying no over and over does not work... just give her a spot to calm down (her room, hall way or whereever works for you). Hopefully you find something that works for you and your daughter.

Hi Abbey. This is a little bit off the subject, but you mentioned doing sign language with your daughter. I work for a preschool program and we are finding that the children who get sign language at an early age do very well, but only if spoken language goes along with it. Make sure when you give a sign, you always say out loud the word that goes with it. Otherwise, as babies develop into toddlers, they are doing a lot of grunting and pointing instead of putting their wants into words.

To address your problem more specifically, I too have a whiney 16 month old baby. He has become so clingy and mama-boyish lately that I can't do anything without him attached to my leg. I have found that if I hold aside a couple interesting toys, I can give those to him during moments I really need to focus, like sitting down and doing my bills, helping my daughter with her homework, etc. He cries sometimes for the first few minutes, but if I ignore him and busy myself with something else, he usually gets over it, especially if he has something interesting to fall back on.

Hi Abbey, after reading the responses to you, it seems that the majority believe you should ignore your daughter when she whines. Since she is 17 months old, she's definitely able to understand you when you speak, as well as say a few words, such as "mama". People tend to think that babies/toddlers should just accept what you're doing without knowing why you're doing it. They are humans though, and inside their little minds, they have tons of questions and can't express themselves. You are her whole world right now and when you ignore her that can be devastating to her. She's probably going through teething or growth spurts which are hard and making her whine, but when you ignore her that just makes it worse. She's only 17 months. She has her whole life to go through "on her own". The way I look at it is like this, whenever I am going to do anything at all, I tell my daughter. She's 18 months, and this way she always knows what to expect, and what is expected of her. And believe me, she understands! I speak in as little words as possible for her, and I don't say "you" or "me" yet. I always use her name and I refer to myself as "mama" for her sake. When we get to the park, while she's still in the carseat I say this "Caitlin and mama are going to the park! Caitlin has to be good at the park, Ok? Caitlin has to listen to mama. If mama says no, Caitlin cannot cry, ok? No crying." It has worked liked a charm every time (she used to have tantrums at the park) and if while we're there, she forgets and starts a tantrum because she wants to go on the big kid equipment, I pull her aside and make her look me in the eye and remind her of what we talked about. When it comes time for me to make lunch or dinner, I always get down to her level, make her look me in the eye, and tell her I'm going to cook food for her now so she can eat it, what I expect of her, etc. I also taught her to call me by my name rahter than standing there screaming. Everytime she tries to get my attention but yelling, I would turn around and say "Caitlin!" Just by saying her name sharp and quickly she would then stop and look at me, and then I would tell her to "say Mama." I did this every single time and finally she understood and now she says Mama when she needs something. I also taught her to say things like "help" if a toy was stuck, etc. The other thing you may want to consider is putting her in a play pen while you cook dinner. But again, tell her she's going in it before you put her in it. Keep toys in the playpen that are only used in the playpen, and put Sesame Street on since it's educational, and an hour long to keep her occupied. Also, remember to constantly teach her so she learns to express herself. Tell her what everything is, and encourage her to repeat the word. Over and over! Basically, I just try to remember that she is a person too, and I know that I like to know what's going on so I'm sure she does too! Hope this helps!

Nothing drives me more crazy than whining, and I don't think it's ever too early to nip that in the bud! When my 16-month old twins whine, I help them to use their words and/or sign, and that usually helps. I see that you are doing that, but are you being consistent? If she sees that you will never give into whining (and that includes keeping your negative reactions under control!), she will stop. Also, be sure to reward her behavior when she isn't whining, with cuddles, compliments, kisses, mommy play-time, etc. This to shall pass! ps. if she is sleeping less, that won't help! Either sleep-train her so she is in her crib until 7am, or give her an extra nap during the day. I hope this helps, and congratulations on your bundle that is on the way!

Abbey - I'm having the same problem with a 16 month old girl. She whines and whines and whines if I'm not holding her or giving her my full attention, or if she doesn't get what she needs. I have an 8 yr old son who NEVER acted this way. I'm sorry to say that I can't offer any suggestions to you, but will be interested to see what others have to say. I can tell you that for things like when i'm getting ready in the morning (makeup, hair) and she's pulling on my pant leg and screaming/crying, i've started just letting her cry. She has gotten a little better about just sitting there and watching me (less crying) so maybe just letting them whine and not giving in will do the trick. It's hard. I know. Hang in there.