Whether or Not to Get Pregnant Again

Hi J. M,

Honestly bringing another child into the situation does not seem like the best idea. At least at this time. If you know what plans you want for your life then you should sit down and discuss them with your partner. If he wants the same then go forth but if not then maybe you should begin to think about taking a step away from the situation. How long are you willing to wait for marriage? He's shown you that he does not want to go down that road again. How can two walk together lest they walk agreed? You want a family...the whole package...marriage and so forth. And you have a right to want those things but he also has a right not to. So now is the time to make a decision about the two of you and your future together. The baby plans can be put on hold until you both can decide what is the future of your relationship.

Also you have a young daughter in the house who is watching you. How would you handle the situation if it were happening to her? What would you tell her to do? You don't want to marry someone just because you have a child together. You want a spiritual union, lifetime commitment to an imperfect person as we all are. Hope this helps. Take care and God Bless!!!

~T.~

2 moms found this helpful

Hi J.,
"Pretty happy" and "we may not have had she never been conceived." Those statements stuck out for me in your request. What also blared a big red waving flag is that you are paying for the sins of another. This is such a typical tale...a poor guy has a horrible relationship and now every subsequent woman pays the price. I'm sorry to be blunt but, what are you thinking? Move on, find a relationship that will make you more than pretty happy. You didn't mention whether or not he is an attentive and active parent/role model in your daughter's life or the lives of his other children. How can he be a complete and invested man, father and partner to you if he's still reliving the past and doesn't want to make the commitment to marry the mother of his new child. I have to say that my father is the same selfish creature you are describing and it's taken me years to regain my own self esteem and finally find someone who respects me at 38! I fear that even if you do marry him he'll just move on to greener pastures when it no longer suits him to be married to you and your daughter will not know how men are supposed to behave. You deserve better and your daughter deserves a better role model.

Remember that a tiger doesn't change it's stripes. People are who they are. Cliche I know, but true. When men say "I don't know if I want to get married" or use the excuse of a previous failed relationship or any excuse really that's their way of saying "NO" to being married to you. It's NOT YOU. You are wonderful I'm sure, it's him. Your CHOICE and your JOB is to do the best by your daughter and yourself. HIS JOB is to take care of you both but it doesn't sound like he's invested. Find happiness (and note that may be found on your own too! :-) )

Sometimes you need blunt/real. I hope this is taken in the intended spirit of sisterhood.

Best wishes,
J.

2 moms found this helpful

J.,

I must say that this is always a hot topic for me, because I do not feel that marriage is necessary in order to have a happy, stable home. The bottom line is, you need to do what you feel is right - not just for you, but for everyone involved. The first thing you need to figure out is: What are your reasons for wanting marriage? If you think it will GUARANTEE a stable home, you may be wrong. Marriage is NO guarantee that he will not walk out, have an affair, etc., etc. I am not sure why some people swear this is true but, if it were true, these issues would not exist and DIVORCE would not exist. It seems to me that you already have all of the ingredients for a happy home, whether married or not. Marriage is just a piece of paper; a true commitment comes from the heart. If you are both truly happy and have set up a stable home for your family, I see no reason why you can't add to it. Never mind what other people say, think, etc. It is what makes YOU and your family happy that counts.

Good luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

If he did not marry you after you had your first child together the chances of him marrying you after having a second are slim to none. As you said he went through a bad divorce and since I assume you are living together there is no reason for him to get married. If marriage is important to you then I suggest you move on and find a relationship where you both want the same things. If you are satisfied being in a relationship that will more than likely never lead to marriage and a firm commitment then there is nothing to stop you from having another child.

1 mom found this helpful

If he is not willing to marry you, he is not willing to commit. You have one child together, which binds you, but I would not recommend planning another child with someone who will not prove to you that he is going to stick around when things get tough. Things change with one child, but they change more with each child that you bring into the relationship. Personally, I think you should be married before you live together at all. Regardless of your age, you should wait for a commitment (wedding, not just an engagement) before getting pregnant. It sounds like right now you are together because of your daughter, it does not get easier as they get older, or as you have more when you are in a relationship built on anything but love and commitment to each other.

1 mom found this helpful

J.,

Don't settle for someone who does not share your life goals. Don't become so desperate that you're willing to stick with him when he refuses to commit. It sounds so tenuous...especially when you say you "may not have stayed together had she not been concieved." Life is hard sometimes...if he's not willing to commit now...will he be there when times get tough? (And they always do at one point or another.) You deserve better for yourself and for your daughter.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J.,
My heart goes out to you because I know what it is to be a parent of a little girl and desperately wanting to give her a sister, even though I wasn't married. I also know what it is to want to marry someone who doesn't want to get married.
My advice?? If marriage is in your heart and something you know you want for yourself and your daughter...I know this is tough, but can you wait??? Can you break it off with this man who clearly doesn't want the same things as you?? Please don't think getting pregnant again will get you what you want, even if he does agree to marry you you will always wonder if it is because he wanted to marry you or because of the pregnancies. And then you will feel unloved, and you won't have what your heart so desires-a loving marriage and a family. I ended up having to wait 4 years before I found the right one to marry and have a family with. My oldest daughter is 5 years older than my younger daughter, 7 years older than my first son, and 10 years older than my youngest son, and she is fantastically part of our family, and loves her brothers and sisters. And I am in a loving marriage with a man who married me because he loves me and marriage is something he wanted as well...You are not stuck with this man just because he is the father of your first child. I say this with all the love in my heart and from personal experience...

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J., It looks like you have a lot of questions...but the most important one is about marriage. It doesn't matter that he has "been there done that" before. The bottom line is the security of you and your child should something happen to him, the security of a permant relationship, and taking responsibility. I would say that after 4 years together if you want to marry and he doesn't it may be time to move on. Why would you consider having another child with him at this point? I know kids are great, but they need the structure and the comfort of marriage and family just as much as you do if not more. Before you decide to have another child you really should take a serious look at where your relationship is, where it is going and where it will be when your 2 yr old is 18! Good luck and best wishes whatever your choice is!

1 mom found this helpful

J.,
Keep in mind that it is a personal choice whether or not to have another child. I am 44 and had my one (and done!) son at 39 (not 200!). I am perfectly happy with one blessed little guy and he makes my life very complete.
However, if I were you, if this man is not "marriage minded" I would be very reluctant to have another child with him. Or even to continue living with him for that matter. Too many men want the best of all worlds and won't make a commitment to any. I'm sorry (and I'm not judging YOU here) but for me, the honorable thing for a man to do, especially when there is a child involved is to create a stable family unit. I, personally, wouldn't make it that easy for him. The important thing to remember is that any decision you make is not just going to affect you but at least one other little life as well. Think long and hard about what is best for the child you have now, not the next one. Seems to me like you've got a few big decisions to make before it's time to decide about another baby.
I sincerely wish you well. Take care of yourself and your daughter!

1 mom found this helpful

J.,
I think you need to take time and think about this before you rush into it. The thing is,single men can do whatever they want to ,they can walk away,they can have another relationship,they can abandon a family.Have you considered what would happen if he deceided to move on and afterwards thought this isnt for me? Would you file for child supprt? Take him to court for custody full or part time? With these economic times to bring another child into the world,how is your credit score? Can you afford to move into a bigger home with another bedroom and how much money diapers are for the next 3 years. Just a few items to consider before making another big leap without any safety net attached.
Sincerely,
Coming from someone who NOW knows

1 mom found this helpful

I think that if he is for it then do it. i am currently with my fiancee and we have a beautiful 15 month old child.
we have been together for almost four years and he is a wonderful father. i would try to have another baby before the other child gets too much older and so your partner can enjoy him or her too. do not worried about getting married. remember, it is just a piece of paper. it is the up to two people to make a commitment to each other whether they are married or not. basically,if it ain't broke do not fix it. respect how he feels about marriage and do not push the issue. you knew this going into the relationship. best of luck to you and your family.

the question is are you happy together?if so what does it matter..

J.:

Let me share with you my story & from here maybe things will be clearer for you.
I was 23 when I was pregnant with my first, and like yourself, our daughter brought us together. Two years and half years later we had our son. Niether of us had been married and I was waiting. I truly believed that after my son, I would get the proposal, etc. soon as I was done with college but instead there was nothing. More things ended up getting in the way of "marriage" such as life, jobs, family, etc. and well my husband didn't seem at all interested. Up until it came to an issue of Medical insurance. He then said to me...why don't you pick a date, we know it's going to get done so we might as well do it now. At the time---it seemed so necessary, little did I know that I would live to regret it. And I told myself that the wedding, the ring, the honey moon all wasn't important, cause it was for the kids and for the family. A year later--I celebrated our one year anniversary by taking him to a special event theater show while pregnant with Twins! I made the effort and he did not.He wouldn't wear the wedding ring that I bought him until a year and a half later after the twins were born. Four years later and he never celebrated our marriage, nor will recognize it. I am "emotionally twisted" by it and often wished to go back in time. For he is a great father and he provides as much as he can for all of us in these trying times. However, as much as he is dedicated as a father, and as a provider, I often am doubting our relationship, (though he has yet to cheat on me---knock on wood---and doesn't go out with friends after work.)on whether he married me for the sake of our children or just felt obligated by my hints of wanting to get married.
My girlfriends are stunned that I allowed for a marriage to happen without a propsal and no ring. And I will admit that it's hard some days to walk around mothers wearing a ring despite the size only cause it is a constant reminder of the regrettable memories of that day. Our relationship like most- have ups and downs. We can "love" like the best of them and Hate" like the best of them too, and we seem to stick together like glue but mentally and emotionally it's not enough whether that sounds materiallistic or not.
So-currently 12 years later- we now have 4 children, and it's all six of us and it's a crazy life but it's my life.The web we weave....

Mom of 4

The best advice I can give you is for you to look at what you really want? Do you love this man enough to stay with him and not be married or do you want someone who will love you enough to give you the same committment you want? I am married and happy but I don't feel that you need a piece of paper that says so but at the same time, if you have dreamed of marrying someone who loves you and you still have that dream maybe you shouldn't give it up. Sometimes people can work and other times they just don't and not for horrible reasons, just that they wanted different things. You have to make this decision on your own and know what you can live with. As far as the second pregnancy is concerned, my suggestion is to figure out the first part of my advice and then the answer will come for the second. I wish you luck.

I really feel for you. This must be an agonizing decision since your precious little girl will be affected...not to mention that you have given your heart and life to this relationship! It sounds like you truly want to be married and in a relationship that is bound by a covenant, and you should. He has told you that he has no intention to marry. You have such different life goals. I think you're settling for a life you never dreamed you'd have. You're denying yourself and your daughter so much. Do you think this issue, if left as is, will progressively strain your relationship more and more, giving you deep discontent? If so, it's a huge mistake. If it were me, I'd lean more toward ending the relationship than staying together...easy to say, but enormous to wrestle with I'm sure! I'd also wait for the next baby...as wonderful as siblings are, maybe you should get things stabilized first.

My prayers are with you!

...I'm editing my response now...I'm finding myself really wrestling as well...and I obviously know very little about you. If your partner is a man of good character, your daughter needs to have him in her life. I'm just going to pray that he has a change of heart and realizes just how valuable a committed marriage relationship is!

For what its worth here are my thoughts -

here is the way i look at it- he is not being respectful to you - he's basically asking you to forgo your dreams and wishes to suit his - and by not marrying you he's also disrespecting your daughter and therefore would disrespect a subsequent child. I am in NO WAY saying that having a child is a REASON to get married - HOWEVER if you are "playikng house" then there is not reason NOT to get married - especially when kids are involved. Think about what you are inadvertently teaching your daughter - you are teaching her to give up her hopes and dreams for a man; you are teaching her to allow a man to disrespect her; you are teaching her to stay with someone that may not be treating her right - are those things you want to teach your daughter?

also- what happens if you get pregnant again and its a boy - do you want him growing up learning that he can can whomever he wants pregnant but not take responsikbility for them in a committed relationship? do you want him to learn that its ok to just "play house" with someone so that there are not any strings attached - so he can learn that he can "jump ship" whenever he wants?

you need to make a decision and give him an ultimateum or you are going to start a cycle you dont want to start - with your daughter. he can still support her financially if you are married to someone else or he is in another relationship. if he loves you as much as he says he does then he'll marry you - what is it that he's afraid of? is it that youll get his momney? fine sign a prenup - what is he a afriad of that he wont have the ability to walk at anytime??? great - he shouldnt.

I would say separate and make sure he wants you in his life and tell him to put his money where his mouth is - and then go from there.

Dear J.,
I really believe that the best gift we can give our children is the example and the warmth and stability, of a loving, healthy relationship. If I were you, I would not stay with this man, not because of "a piece of paper", but because it is obvious that you do not love him (or his age wouldn't bother you). You started out on a bad trail when you had a child with him. Two wrongs do not make a right. My advice to you is to not subject yet another human being to this bad karma. No matter what you decide it will not be easy.
Good luck,
N

If you are happy with this man and would happily marry him if he'd agree to it, why would you consider moving on just to find someone who will marry you. If, you aren't sure he's going to stick around then don't have another child with him.

move on...don't have any more kids until you have a ring and a date...you want stability it sounds like and if he's not willing to give it to you in 4 years and has said as much, move on.

LoriB

J. I was in the same boat and when I met my now husband he was already married and divorced and he didn't want to get married ever. (which at the time was fine with me) then I got preg at the age of 30 and did not marry him yet. I want another child right away but it didn't happen because at the time I wanted to get married, but I waited for four years then we got married and then had another child at the age of 38, and then another one at the age of 42. So it might work with out marriage nothing (married or not) is forever. I would not have another child with out being married but every one is different.
take care and i wish you and your family the best.
Jade

If you are willing to be the parent of two go for it, but if you are dependant on the "dad" for finances, please get some formal agreement in place. Marriage would be nice, but as long as you can provide a stable home life both emotionally and physically, I say go for it. Whatever you do, do not trap yourself or your children in a situation which will leave you counting pennies due to the selfishness of this male.
Good luck.
ER

Do what makes you happy and is in the best interest of your daughter. If you think she would benefit from having a sibling go ahead and get pregnant again. Marriage is never a guarantee. I am happily married but I know it isn't for everyone. Don't hold your breathe and think one day he will marry you. Go through life knowing he won't. Who knows one day he might but don't be spiteful if he doesn't. Live in the moment and enjoy what you do have.

He has hardened his heart because of his first divorce, which is not a good sign. The best order for happy, healthy families is 1) God, 2) spouse, 3) kids. I understand you wanting to give your baby a sibling, but you're putting her in the 2nd position. (Real easy to do, I do it myself.) Since marriage, or lack of, is causing a rift already it will probably only get worse. If you want and need that security, it's a big thing if you don't get it. I can't help but wonder why he wants another child but not another marriage.

J.,

If your partner does not want to get married, that means to me that he does not want to commit to a relationship. He's there while it suits him. If he is willing to commit to a relationship, then he is willing to be emotionally and financially involved -- both of which are hard to untangle if the relationship goes wrong. Why, then, would it be so difficult to get married?

While it is possible to raise a child as a single parent, it really is better for a child to have two actively involved parents. Having a second child complicates things even more -- it is more than twice the work. You would need to be prepared for this eventuality should your partner decide to move on.

The older you are when you have children (and I am talking about over 40 years old), the more your children will miss out on certain things. You don't have as much energy or flexibility to play with the kids, or stay awake to wait up for your teenagers to come home from a date. You may need to take care of your elderly parents as well as your children. There is a greater chance you will die before grandchildren, or in their early years. And if these children come as part of your "second" family, you may have the feeling of "been there, done that" and may not be as actively involved.

Ultimately, the decision is yours. I would think clearly about what I wanted in life. Good luck.

You have to weigh what's truly important; do you want a piece of paper that pronounces you "legal," or do you want a loving, open relationship with your partner? I was married before- it also ended very poorly- am I am now in a relationship with a fantastic man for the past four years. We had a daughter in February and plan to have another one in a few years. I have no real plans to get married. I'm sure your partner is thinking about the negatives attached to his idea of "marriage" and doesn't want to have those corrupt your relationship. If marriage is a deal-breaker, maybe really think about what makes it so important to you. Is it the religion? the legality? the finalization? security? Can't you have all of that without the ceremony? I wish you well.

Hi J.,

If your partner and father of your daughter is in favor of you having another child together, what are you waiting for???

If the two of you are happy and love each other and your children, then no legal document will change anything. I say go for it. it will only enrich your lives. good luck in your decision.

Okay, first of all, I think you should think about whether or not you really want to be with this man. Honestly, if you really want to spend the rest of your life with him then I would not worry about marrying him so much. In that case, I would go ahead and have another child with him (especially since he is on board with that). However, if being married is more important than the who right now, then maybe he is not the guy for you and you shouldn't pressure him to marry you. Because if it is about the idea and concept of being married and not about being with this man in particular, chances are pretty good you will end up being his ex wife sooner or later. If that is the case, then I think you need to ask yourself if you really want another child with him or if you would prefer to find another partner to spend your life with and have child(ren) with. Only you can really say what it is you want. If you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy and just feel like (from your own raising) that you need to be married, I think you need to discuss this fully with him. If this is the case, perhaps he would change his name if the two of you were to write up a prenup that would spell out how things would work if you were to divorce. I know a lot of women would say that if he needs a prenup that he doesn't trust you and you should end it. I think he is "once bitten, twice shy". In other words, I think it is his own judgment that he doesn't trust. He trusted his first wife with everything (his life, his kids, everything) and that turned out to be a really bad mistake for him (in some ways... I'm sure he loves his children and wouldn't wish them away...). I'm sure it is very difficult to trust his own judgment or anyone else with that much of himself again. It sounds like he ties that trust and judgment to the whole marriage idea.

So I guess in my long winded way, I'm saying. Take a moment or two to take stock of how you are truly feeling and what you truly want. Then sit down and talk to your partner. If you have been together that long, you probably already are considered married under common law. That might be a fact that turns him into the marrying type. Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck as you figure out your heart and move on toward your future (whichever future you decide).

J., I am sorry to hear yo are going through this.All I have to say is that in life, yo must always try to folow your heart.If in this case, you feel like the kind of woman who will like to be married,it will be the best thing to do for yourself coz you will always live with this burden of being unhappy because your dream as an individual was never fulfilled. Granted, from your story, I can see you are in a very happy relationship but you seem to lack one thing for you to be very happy.No only will this be an example for your daughter never to play house with anyone, but the society in which we live is all about making everything legal or getting paperwork for all the things you do.This ensures security in all aspects coz I will tell you in my case, when it comes to kids born before marriage and those born in marriage, the rulings are different in court esp when it comes to Custody. If at the end of the relationship you are not happy and yo already have two kids, it will be so hard to turn back so it will be better to move to another level if he is not willing to get married to you.You may not find that same happiness elsewhere but Mariage is a thing you want so you will be able to take the next step to be happy. I admire the two of you together but J., if a guy is ready to have kids, then , he should be ready to get into a commitment with you coz if the first child was by accident and he is wiling to have a second one, then he should be ready to get married to you.You are an individual and should not be compaired to the past. No matter what everyone says, you should be the best judge in this situation. sometimes in life, we all want so many things but thetruth of the matter is that there are certain things we want more so if it is marriage you want more, then Go in for the marriage coz you can del with any other thing.You lovely daughterwill always have a sibling no matter what yo do coz you are the woman so you will call the shots at any time.Be happy and Good Luck in what you decide on doing.

If you love him and he loves you, why do you need a piece of paper telling you so?? It is only a piece of paper, it does not stop him from leaving if he ever wanted to. And honestly i truly believe it only tears a relationship apart. I have been married twice and divorced twice. If it is working fine the way it is then don't change it!! Instead of ACTUALLY getting married you's could just give each other rings to wear to show your love for each other, you don't actually have to do the whole wedding thing! My opinion!! Good luck!

I had to respond to some of the responses i have just read. I am not trying to put anyone down for their beliefs, but please don't tell this woman that her man is disrespecting her and her daughter by not marrying her. It is not disrespectful, that is HIS opinion and belief. After a bad marriage and divorce maybe he feels that if they are COMMITTED to each without a piece of paper and everything is going fine than why change it. I could go on and on but this will be very long. We don't know his side and why he doesn't want to get married, but he seems to want to have more children with you and live his life with you as a family (you don't need a piece of paper telling you that you's are a family) you have his love and support. As far as what happens when he passes and you are not his LEGAL wife well make sure you tell him that and he can go and make a living will putting you as his power of attorney or whatever, you need to go see a lawyer to make a will so just explain all that and the lawyer will know what to do. Good luck again! And just follow your heart!

My prayers go out to you. What a hard decision. I think before bringing a baby home you need to decide what is really important to YOU. Not him YOU! And if marriage is something that is important to you than you need to do what is best for you. Because eventually this will hurt your relationship. And when parents are having problems children can sense it and it will affect them. If he wants to commit to you maybe you both should go to counseling to help him get over his obvious pain from his first marriage. Maybe once he is past that he may be able to Marry you. In my opinion I would hold off on the baby until you are really sure about the future. The best advise I can give anyone is to pray. My prayers go out to you and your family. Best of luck in your future.

Sadly Marriage, having kids and staying together not what it was years ago.

There are many different relationships out there. You have to decide what is it you want out of life. Is this relationship one that you want and expect to last forever? a marriage certificate doesn't guarantee that at all.

As for what you want for your child, marriage certificate again doesn't mean she'll have 2 loving parents.

If the 2 of you are committed to each other and have a loving relationship and you both want more children then what more do you want?

The one thing I would suggest and I do so even to anyone who is marriead out there, is make sure you have something in writing about him taking care of you and the kids. Best to work this out ahead of time. Sad but 50% divorce rate and then its too late. I learned the hard way. I never thought i'd be basically near poverty, 5 kids and dealing with a nasty ex after over 17 years of marriage and not having a house or any security, broken promises of being able to stay home with my kids.

I do not believe that "marriage" is required to make a family. The questions you have to ask yourself are these:
1. Is he a good father and role model to your daughter?
2. Is he a good father and role model to his other children?
3. Do you love him?
4. Does he make you happy?

If you answered NO to ANY of those questions, then you seriously need to consider moving on. If you answered yes, and he is willing to have another baby - by all means GO FOR IT!!!!!!! I was in a similar situation, an unexpected pregnancy brought me to my current husband. We now have three gorgeous children! :D Just be honest with yourself about your feelings and him and it will work out. GOOD LUCK!

J.,
I am all for marriage as this is my second and final and I have been blessed to have my husband in my life. If you knew getting into the relationship that he had no intentions on getting married because of his first marriage you can not expect him to change his mind or heart. If the relationship is working why change it? Talk to him and let him know how much you love him and you want to take the next step. The only thing he can say is that he does not want to. You can either accept that answer and continue with him or move on. I think it would be silly to move on. However, if he is willing to bring another human life into this world (which by far is more of a commitment than marriage) why not make your union legal? So, I would ask him if he is willing to make another child which is more of a life changing decision, than why not marriage? Only you can really trust his honesty.
Good luck
Christina

Usually I'd say get out, but you have a child with him already. I'd see if he'd just do the paperwork. No hype, no big wedding, just get the security done for your daughter. I'd never tell you to leave him (unless he were a bad guy) because you do have a daughter that binds you.

Other than that, if you're both happy, and you feel secure, I'd say go for it. Which is odd for me since I'm such a proponant of marriage when children are involved. But you'll be attached to this man for the rest of your life anyway. Give your daughter a sibling and bring another life into the world. Just make sure you have the commitment from him, even if you don't get married that he is there for the long haul.

Also, you may want to appeal to him that he's getting older and there things you won't be able to take care of because you're his "girlfriend".

I am so sorry that he will not commit. I don't think you should take any of his excuses. You are not his ex and this is a chance to have a wonderful family together. Please do not think i am judging. He really should understand that you want to have a family together. This is a tough one. I do understand the want to have another child though. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

hi J.,
I know what your going through. I to am a mom to a seven year old boy. He is my life he was also a surprise! One that was welcomed. I also am not married i've been with my boyfriend for 8 years and I too think that if he didn't happen we would probley not be together.He is the love of my life though and treats me so good. we have our problems but we get through them. we were just talking about getting married today just a jp thing nothing big due to my dad and his mom died 2 years ago. I have been wanting another baby for awhile now my boyfriend is back and forth on the idea . Im 35 and hes 37 so hes worried about the age thing. I've tried getting pregant but no luck my boyfriend drinks alot and i dont know if that is why it hasn't happened yet. my son will be 8 soon and if I have a baby they will be so far apart in age and that worries me. so I know what your going through.

M.

Hey Girlfriend,

Totally not judging! But...DO NOT cave on this one! Too often women sell themselves short. If you want to get married and have another child, do it. If this guy doesn't want to commit to you (and simply agreeing to have another child is NOT committing) than you deserve much better. I know it is hard to believe that when you love someone, but trust me. If he won't marry you he has got to go!

There are so many wonderful guys out there who want the same things you do. I say take a girls day for yourself...go watch the movie Fireproof (to remind yourself what real men and romance look like) Get rid of this guy and join e-harmony. You may be surprised by your all your options. This guy doesn't seem to deserve you. Don't settle!!!

Best of luck with this tough situation.

M.

Hmmmmm. I would say, it depends a lot on your age. You deserve to have children, and you deserve to be happy. You will never force someone to give you what you want from them, as in the desire to marry you and stay together forever and lose all their pre-existing issues. And men will usually not change things if everything is going "fine." So leaving or staying is up to you. If you are getting past your child bearing years soon, and he is a willing donor, and a good dad, and you like having kids with him, then go for it, and worry about the future later. If you are very young, and you have time to burn, try to get back on your feet, learn to co-parent
with your boyfriend, get out there and find a true soul mate who wants to marry you and grow a healthy happy willing family with you with the goal to stay together forever. Losing you may shake up your boyfriend into realizing he shouldn't expect you to have a second rate relationship because his ex was a nightmare, and he may change. But that can't be your goal. Do what's best for yourself, but if you're in your late 30's, have another one with him.
ps-obviously staying with a man who doesn't want to marry you is a bad idea, but if you're going to miss your chance for two kids instead of one, you may have to settle for the time being. My husband had issues for our first few years of marriage (he felt forced even though he wasn't) and it probably won't work out. But I thank god every day for my two kids, and we (my kids and I) will be happy no matter what man ends up in the picture. We already are.
pps The point is not whether marriage is important or not, it's the fact that he is being reluctant, and you don't want the SAME THING. That's bad. Don't tell yourself it's not important if you really want it.