Where Are My Boundries??

I applaud you for trying to be a good step mother.
But I would also caution you! You already know that the child's mother does not particularly like you, I would tread very lightly with any suggestions as to how this child's spends birthdays or any other holidays.
His dad has the right to suggest things like this, but it seems like he knows his ex well enough not to rock the boat!
If you have a good thing going and visitation is smooth, don't try to force changes! If if you do want changes to existing agreements, they should always come from the dad.
There is nothing wrong with holding a second birthday party for the boy... good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

S.,
I would try hard to see her side. The more you can do to make things less stessful for your stepson, the better relationship you will have with him. Always put his needs first over what you and your husband want. He is the innocent party.
My feeling is that a compromise on the parties would be best unless what you have proposed pleases everyone. If his mom knows this was your idea, that may not sit well with her. Let her and your husband work it out.
Wish I could give a more helpful answer. I am sure someone will.
V.

2 moms found this helpful

Being a Mom and my two oldest having a step mom. I would never in a million years let her plan my childs birthday. I know you mean well but if daddy wanted to plan a separate one he did, if he wanted to join mine they were welcome. I just could not just be a guest every other year. . But others may find this to be a great thing to do. It would have to come from the dad since he is the father.

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I think if dad does not have a preference and you think mom might object then let mom have the party. The only exception is if the child will be living with you and his dad or if there is joint custody. I think this is a easier solution b/c if dad is indifferent then he might not back you up when the child's mom object to this plan. As time goes by things maybe clearer as to which way is best.

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Most of the kids I've known with divorced parents get 2 birthday parties. Depending on the family it can be 2 kids parties, or 1 kids party and 1 special party with dad or mom (like a trip to a amusement park, special dinner out, etc.) My best friend growing up, her dad was always very very careful not to one-up mom (he had her every weekend during the school year, and every m-f in the summer... and is how I knew her, he lived 3 houses down from us). If it was something small (taking Aly and & to the Carosel and coming back for cake & pizza & movies) he didn't bother to check with her mum... but the one year we went to disneyland, he let her mom know months in advance what he was planning, so that she could be on the level as far as planning went.

Like the others have said I would be extremely wary of trying to co-opt (or overshadow) mom's bday party for her kiddo.

:)

my response is coming in after your closing response....as the adult child of divorced parents, it is a pain to have to do/attend two parties for one occasion. I'd much rather have everybody together, everybody acting responsibly & adult - than to have to celebrate double for birthdays & holidays.

Between your request here & the one on potty training, I'm really hearing insecurity & a need for you to have a place in your stepson's life. This will occur over time, let it happen naturally & peacefully.....& you all will be happier! I wish you Peace!

Speaking as a mom with children who a stepmom, she is goign to wan tto ahve a party every year for him. What our family does is this: at my house we have the party with the friends and sleep overs etc ( i dont have any family on my side to invite or they wouid come too) near the acutal birthday. The next weekend he has a family party at his parents house and invite the aquaintances from his apartment building.

Taking on the role of a step parent is a very courageous choice and I can hear how much you have come to love this child. I know some step parents that are the best thing that ever happened in a child's life.

Keep in mind, however, that you are talking about a celebration of one of the most intimate moments between a mother and her child. She is not only celebrating the child, but the day that she birthed him. He is far too young and those memories are far too fresh for anyone to encroach upon such a position without insulting or seemingly trivializing such a relationship.

If you are able to 'chat here and there', I would use every opportunity to express my support of the child's mother. If everyone truly loves this child, then everyone should think first about what the child needs. The child needs the adults in his life to be as loving, respectful, gentle, kind, dignified, and unified as possible.

If I were a child's stepmother, I would want to tell the child that the term 'stepmother' means that I am his mother's assistant, and I would absolutely do everything I could to honor that position as genuinely as I could. I would tell the mother the same thing and I would ask her to kindly help me to understand her standards and preferences about raising her son so that I could do my best to honor and support her. I would tell her that, from time to time, we are naturally going to have to face and solve problems and challenges in this co-parenting relationship and that, although I do not necessarily expect to become personal friends, I do hope that I can learn to support a very good relationship as co-parents. I would assure her that I truly honor a mother's instincts about her own child and do not ever wish to interfere with that sacred relationship. And, I would want to tell her that I hope to develop the ability to consult and discuss important matters about the child respectfully so that my perspective as a third parent can actually be used in a supportive and helpful way. I would want to tell her that I hope we can use all our patience, understanding, and courage to be able to speak very honestly with each other so that the child can benefit from all the adults in his life.

I have to admit that I do not prefer the idea of two birthday parties each year, nor the idea of taking turns hosting unless all parents genuinely like this idea and support it completely. So often the children of divorced parents are overindulged just so the parents do not have to face each other and overcome their own problems. That is not to say that there are situations where bringing certain family members together would be too difficult for everyone involved and you certainly must avoid little wars breaking out at a birthday party. If it would offend members of the mother's family to have the stepmother present at the birthday party, I would prefer to absent myself from the party and let my husband attend without me rather than distract the spirit of the celebration. In such a circumstance where my absence is the wisest thing to do, I would plan to do something important that day so that the child can see that I 'had to' be somewhere else, then I would tell the child that I want to do something very special for his birthday at another time. I would not throw another party. I would make this a special occasion for just the two of you or just include the father. I would try to help the child understand that this 'special occasion' is my birthday present to him.

All this said, I know I am not in your position and may not know the best thing for you to do. This is just how I imagine what I would want to do. If you keep in mind that unity, genuine love, respect, and dignity need to be created, supported, and preserved, there may be many 'ways' to approach each situation. I just feel it is important to be willing to sacrifice personal desires in order to develop and support real unity as much as possible. Real love often means real sacrifice. Whenever you are faced with a difficult choice, ask yourself, "What would support the dignity and unity of everyone involved?" I have found this to be a very good guide in making difficult choices.

Hope these thoughts are helpful for you.

I do not think that you should should split up every other year for planning his birthday. I was raised with a step-parent on both sides, so i do have some experience. Why can't you both have your own parties? My parents never shared birthdays. They each just planned their own, and invited that side of the family, friends,etc. You want to make the little guy feel like planning his birthday isn't an issue, and if you are hammering out details about who's year it is to pay/plan someday, maybe not at 2 1/2, but someday he will know what you are talking about. Besides, in my opinion, it would be hard for the "real" mother to relinguish her ideas, etc... for that year's birthday. It would be great if you both (or all 3) could plan a party together. But, i know that it doesn't always happen like that. Anyway, good luck and just remember, it is all about his birthday and in the end, as long as he has a good time, it doesn't really matter who pays for it.

I am not a step mom . but I would not let a step mom plan my kids birhtday . tha is moms job.. I say start your own tradition.. let the child have 2 birthday events.. hopefully the mom and you can communicate enough to work it out... maybe he has a party with mom.. and goes to chuck e cheese with you. or has a sleep over at moms and has a dinner with you... there are lots of choices.. I think you just choose a different way to celebrate.. my kids would love it... cake and ice cream twice...woo hoo.

It is hard I know, but the one gave a good idea when you have him throw him a party with that side of the family, and let her do hers. Or if you guys can be civil enough plan something together in which by the way he would really love seeing everyone getting along. In my hubby's case that is impossible, but for my oldest we invite the step mom and his dad and other little brother and all hang out. I know its rare but we all get along and go over there sometimes and hang out, me and the step mom text each other sending funny jokes. I love it that way it makes everything so much easier and stress free. My son will still have a party at his dads with his friends and family over there too as well and he likes it cause its more gifts and money. If you need to talk just message me.
M.

The fact that the child is only two. Give two parties either day of, day before or day after. Trade every year who has it on the BD. Kids love to blow out candles and get gifts. They don't care as long as they are loved.

That's great and all that you are a good person to your husband to be's son but if you and the child's mom are not really close and you feel that she dislikes you it is best that you let either the mom plan the party or his dad because if she finds out that you are planning a party for the baby then it might not sit well with her and she'll feel threatened...I say that because I am a single mom and I'm not to cool with the girl my son's father is dating but it is very good that you are civil with her...but I don't think that you planning parties for the baby is good...I hope I'm not sounding like I'm coming down on you (cuz I really don't know you) but I hope this helps coming from a single mom point of view...i hope all goes well with your situation and you have a blessed afternoon!

My advice would be to have your husband initiate that conversation. It seems like a reasonable request, although, being a mom from a family that is still together, I can't imagine someone else asking to do this for my kiddos. Maybe I'm selfish, but that is true. What about this--what if you have your husband initiate the conversation by saying that one year she would plan, the next he would plan with her full input because you wouldn't want her to feel left out of the process, but also want to be able to do things. I would hit the financial aspect of it (or have your husband do it). This way, she can save the costs when it is not her turn to take the lead. Good luck. This is a touchy situation. Even if you are just trying to do what is best for the boy, parents squabbles can get in the way. Be sensitive about her feelings on this. If she says no, drop it. There are other ways for you to be super-involved that may not make the mom feel so threatened. Good luck!

I think that is completely legit for you / Daddy to have/pay for his birthday every other year. But I would have him approach this from him wanting it, not you. Otherwise she may feel like you are competing with her or trying to replace her. If she doesn't budge, then just have your own party every year. Who is to say you cannot do that? I know a lot of people who have divorced/separated parents get 1 'party' with friends and usually the parents split it every other year. If it were my case, I'd want to have a birthday party for my child every year (even if her/his father was too). But that is just me, being selfish! Ask him to discuss with her the best way to celebrate his birthday so that you all can be involved.

I would definitely do the two birthday party idea. You would invite your family and your husbands and let his mom have one at there house with her family and her significant others. As a step mom(since I am one) I would never take away from planning a birthday party for my step sons mom. If you really want to start conflict that would be one way to guarantee it. Put yourself in her shoes if you had a child would you want to rotate parties with another woman? Seperate is the way to go:) The kids benefit with two parties! I never heard my step son say no, I don't want two parties!

I think you are going to be an amazing stepmom. I applaud you for taking the time to think things thru. Now I was on the other side. My dghtrs step mom overstepped her boundaries all the time & it caused lots of ill feelings. She planned birthday parties without talking to me. She would call my dghtrs friends & set up sleepovers trying to get my dghtr & her friends to like her more & want to spend more time over there instead of at our home. She took my dghtr out bra shopping. She was a haircutter & would cut my dghtrs hair, etc. I tried to be civil to her & asked her to please back off, she finally did a little when she had her own kids, but I had a girl & she had all boys & she is very girly & always wanted a girl.

If you really want things to work out I would have a sit down talk with her & ask her what she wants & expects from you. Like you said Bryan isnt going to be as involved as you are, so it's like you & the ex should really be on the same page & let Bryan in on whats going on, lol. The ex may be resistant at first but for your sake & the boys sake keep showing her you are sincere in wanting to make things good & you dont want to overstep your boundaries, it will work just be patient. And I hope more stepmoms read your postings, there would be more happier step families if we all would work together.