This is a super question!
My husband is active duty military. That means, really, that he is government property. What alot of people don't understand is that means that WE, his family, are also government property. Our particular branch fo the military is very family friendly and the supports they have put in place are wonderful. Still, there are the deployments, temporary duty assignments, short tours (which are single so no family). Then you add to that all the extra stuff: honor guard, booster club, awards ceremonies, banquets, volunteer time with the local rotc clubs and community service, not to mention the college education the military encourages all members to get and pays for. There was over a year of time where I saw my husband one night every two weeks. While the extra stuff wasn't required it was "encouraged" and often made the difference in who got promoted and who didn't. If you weren't going to do that stuff then you at least needed to save a baby from a burning building or do something equally extraordinary.
The thing is, no matter what the profession, anyone can find themselves in a position where they have lost the balance in their lives. In an effort to ensure that they "shine" so they can provide for their family they often end up losing the connection with that same family. It is especially easy to do, I think, in our current financial situation where most people, no matter how great they are at what they do, can't guarantee anything when it comes to job security.
My husband had a reality check when he came in one night and everyone was occupied. My sons had done all their chores, homework, baths and so on and were playing a game 20 minutes before bedtime. My daughter was falling asleep and I was putting her to sleep so I was unavailable as well. My husband was so sad. He said, "I wanted to spend time with you guys but everyone seems to be doing something." I just had to look at him and say,"We were here. All evening we have been here. For chores, homework, dinner, family time, bath time we were all here. If you want to see us you know where we are. We will always be right here. You have to be here sometimes, too." It was an eye opener for him. He cut back on some of the extra stuff and when it couldn't be avoided we made special arrangements so that we were ready for him when he came home. It's just a matter of helping them see the big picture and regain their balance.
Keep your head up, A.B.. It gets better. You are the best person to help him find that balance and one day he will thank you for it. Mine has.