When to Start Teaching Discipline to Baby?

9 months is way to early to even think about disciplining a child. That does not mean that you have to jump every time he screams. Is he a self soother, does he have an attachment item to help him calm himself? If so, off that as a way of helping him learn to calm himself down. At some point he is just going to have to cry it out, and you are going to have to deal with that. 5 minutes is completely typical. You might find it helpful to do some reading on child development. I found that once I understood the process it all made much more sense.

I think right now would be a great time. He's already learned that by screaming and yelling he'll get his way. What would happen if you ignored his yelling? My daughter used to do that, espcially when she wanted something thing. Each time I'd tell her to ask in the form of a question, like: "Can I have some cheese please?" instead of saying "I want" and I would not budge until she asked properly. It's working! Good luck.

The sooner you start, the better off you are. He will take advantage of you if you don't start now.

J.

Hi A.

Please go to RIE.org (Resources for Infant Educarers) to order the books Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect or Your Self-Confident Baby, also available at Amazon. The first book is a quick read that offers practical advice on caring for infants/children. Basically, RIE is a movement whose philosophy emphasizes RESPECT for the child. I was lucky to get a hold of it at the end of my pregnancy and by the time my son was born my husband and I have already made very important agreements on how to raise a confident, happy baby/child. Honestly, our 20 month is one the easiest-going and happiest kids since day one. We owe it so much to the RIE philosophy. We also did the parenting classes and they are simply amazing.

One thing I'd like to add is that, as other mothers have said, babies cry to communicate. Don't shut him down with a "no" face. The key is to verbally ACKNOWLEDGE that he is upset about something, then find out what it is. It's as simple as, "You're obviously very upset, can you tell Mommy why you're crying? Is it because of xxx? Do you need xxx?" Of course he can't tell in words, but he understands that you're there to help him resolve his issues. Babies understand body language. I do believe that when your child feels/knows that you are concerned about his needs, he will calm down when he feels secure. Trust me, it works. Babies know how to communicate very clearly, we as parents are the ones who need to learn to listen better. Please enjoy this time bc it does go by fast (ours is almost 2). You'll look back with fond memories of his first year bc it is truly an AMAZING year. Hugs to both of you.

A.

Hi A.:
The answer to your question,is You (DON"T) disapline a (baby)The only way,he knows to communicate with you,is to cry,or scream.That is Unless hes an exceptional 9 month old and has the vocabulary of a 5th grader. Contrary to what another mother told you. There is not a mother out there, that could (CONFIRM)(make sure) that their 9 month old baby was'nt trying to communicate with her. Thats exactly what your baby is attempting to do.When you were carrying your baby,and he was upset,I bet you were upset as well.I bet you were either embarrassed,by his actions,or angry, because you had no idea what he wanted.He could easily sense your agitated state.That's why its very important,to keep your cool and talk to him in a calming voice.The more uptight you are with his actions, the more upset and louder he'll get.He's not merely frustrated,because he can't tell you whats wrong,but he knows your angry or upset at him.Until your baby is able to speak,its part of your job as a mother, to try and understand,or (yes ..guess, what it is that hes upset about.Did you have him at the store to long? was he ready for a nap? Was he wet? Did he need a bottle? was he hungry?You have to be observant.Notice when he begins getting agitated,and why. If you just took something out of his hand,and he screams,then you know thats probably why hes upset.If he begins getting whinny in the store,you know hes getting tired and wants to go home and take a nap.A.,Your baby is getting bigger, but hes still a baby. He still is unable to speak to you.When he whines for something,teach him to point,and give it an easy name. When he wants to be picked up. Calmly say....UP.. If you familarize him with simple gestures and simple words , he will soon be able to talk to you,and then he won't have to scream or cry to try and tell you something.You need to slow down,stop thinking about disapline,like its something to look forward to, and just concentrate on loving and nurturing your baby.I wish you and your darlin son the best.

Holy cow - he's just a baby and he's crying because he needs you! You can never spoil a BABY under a year old. In fact, if you continue to NOT pick him up, he will quickly begin to panic and begin asking you to pick him up more and more because he fears your abandonment. When you immediately respond to him, as a baby, it'll make him much more secure and comfortable as you slowly allow him more autonomy. This is so important because it sets up his personality for the rest of his life.
M. C.

He's really too young to "discipline". I would try just not responding to his yells, totally ignoring it (unless he's sick or hurt or hungry or something like that)otherwise he'll learn that this is how he gets what he wants.

He is communicating with you in the only way he has available to him. This is absolutely normal and certainly not a discipline issue. Get a sling and carry him, Babies need that. Stop thinking of this behavior as him being "bad' and start listening to your son.

I'm sorry but I just want to laugh when people say that a baby is being manipulative or trying to take advantage of his or her parents...

Your son is learning how to communicate his needs, and this is the only way he knows how right now. You could start sign language to help him communicate more clearly and calmly, but I wouldn't worry about a 9 month old raising his voice.

In the meantime, just keep modeling polite behavior and good values and he will follow suit when he is able. That is the most important thing - to teach by example, not punishment.

He is using screaming as a last resort to communicate with you. "Hey, I'm over here!!!! Please carry and hold me!!!" Babies NEED to be carried and held for development. They need movement (and they also need floor time).
http://www.llli.org/NB/NBMarApr01p44.html
http://projects.kaboom.org/PlayDevelopment/SensoryPlay/Ve...
It's hard for me to find articles on line about the need for vestibular stimulation and babies development. :( There are books though... THE VITAL TOUCH by Sharon Heller PhD. That RIE book would be good also.

THE CONTINUUM CONCEPT by Jean Leidloff
OUR BABIES, OURSELVES by Meredith Small

I found baby slings (baby wearing) to work during infancy. I grew to LOVE it. My son hated the swing, stroller and loved being held and moving.

There are lots of great companies out there right now and should invest in a great carrier that you can use a long time. Bjorns cost $90 and last a 0-3 months. the ERGO costs that much, but can last you to toddlerhood, as you can wear your baby comfortably on your back.
http://www.ergobabycarrier.com/
http://www.thebabywearer.com/
You are NOT spoiling a baby when you are carrying them... you are providing their skin and senses deep pressure touch (which helps growth) and get feedback to the brain from the environment (literally building more neural pathways!) And by them feeling you move through SPACE (sideways, up down, whatever natural movement you are doing) you are helping their vestibular system (in the inner ear) develop and this helps the brain with learning down the road.

Pick him up, hug him, kiss him, smile at him, tell him you love him.

I know it can be frustrating, especially since he still can't communicate why he is crying, or acting up. However since he is still so young, it could be any number of things that are upsetting him and he will turn to you for comfort every time. Maybe he is teething, or starting to realize more around him (strangers, etc). Just be patient and basically just cater to his wishes right now, you won't create a brat, I promise. I agree with the other posts, if you let him cry, it will only get worse and he will become anxious. Just be patient, pretty soon he'll get into an independent stage and want down all the time!!!

My children were young as well when they started doing something similar. I started putting them in their crib when they would do that. I'd leave them in there for 1-2 minutes(like a timeout) and then check on them. If they were done screaming, I'd take them out, if not, they stayed there for another minute. It didn't take long for them to understand and then the screaming fits decreased. This may sound bad to some on ones so young but they learned, even so young, and I was able to relax and handle the situation without freaking out.

I don't think in this case that your 9 month old is really doing something naughty. But let's get real Moms - you can't always stop everything & pick up the baby. I don't believe that 5 minutes of waiting for mommy is going to affect his personality for the rest of his life! I do agree that it's the only way he can communicate so reassure him that you are right there for him, whether you're holding him or not.

For truly naughty behavior, ie. biting, hitting, etc. or something dangerous like running away from mommy on a walk or at a park, my pediatrician gave us the best advice at my son's 1 year check up. She said to start time outs, 1 minute for every year of age. So for a 1 year old, it's one minute. At that age you sit them on your lap, facing away from you, wrap your arms around them & be quiet for one minute. As our oldest got closer to 2, he could sit on a stool. (Now he's 4 & he stands in the corner.)

I know many people think this is mean but my oldest son really responded to this. He didn't get it at first but within a few weeks, he understood. We could ask him not to do something such as hit another child & if he did not stop we would ask him if he wanted a time out. He usually stopped the behavior. The time-outs were always calm, loving. We always asked if he knew why he had the time out, why they behavior was not okay & helped him understand & deal with the situation a more appropriate way.

My husband & I agree that starting so young was better, when the naughty behaviors were not so serious. We are doing the same thing with our 2nd son who is 16 months now. I really think they understand a lot more than we give them credit for!

Oh & I also think the sign language really helps. We've done that with both boys & just being able to communicate a little earlier has saved them (& us) a lot of frustration. 9 months is a great age to get going on that. Good luck A.!

Hi A.

Yeah, they don’t come with a “how-to” manual, do they? :-) There’s a great series of books called “Positive Discipline”, and one “Positive Discipline for Toddlers” that’s really great. As many others have said, your son does not yet have words. And while screaming can be un-nerving and will quickly drive one crazy, he doesn’t have much else to use to communicate with you right now.

Sign language classes will help (check out South Bay Adult School) as will taking your son’s attempts to communicate seriously. Let him know you respect him, and what he’s trying to tell you and encourage all of his attempts to get your attention and “explain” what he wants (especially those that don’t involve screaming! :-D )

Good luck!
C.

Okie dokie!

My son did the same thing at this age...they want so badly to tell you what they want or how to help them, but they just don't havet he vocab. My pediatrician recommended, as I was doing things explaining things in a calm even tone of voice what was going on, so my son could learn to identify things.

I had the same issues, he would have these screaming fits until I figured out what he wanted. But, the only thing I could do was hold him and explain to him that Mommy needed his help to understand what was wrong and if he continued to scream and cry, I wouldn't be able to help him help me understand.

At first, it was tough but with consistency over a week or two, he started to figure out that I wasn't ignoring his needs but needed him to show me. So, we started pointing things out and giving them names and a little bit of baby sign language thrown in there helped a lot.

Now at two, my son's vocab has expanded but, don't think that ends the frustration or the need to communicate on their level. Your little one needs your guidance to help him understand how to tell you what he needs...just be patient. Its a tough job, but that's what we signed up for and the rewards definitely beat the downers.

Now, I started disciplining mine as soon as they could crawl and starting touching things, even doineg your best you will make mistakes, but as a mom for almost 25 years, I believe that the biggest mistake that young parents make today, is doing nothing, and this statement comes from all the mamasource requests I have read. I'm sure you have probably watched the Nanny 911 kids, that's what parents get who are affraid to discipline their kids or to busy to discipline, somewhere down the road parents quit discipling their kids and the results are kids hitting their parents, screaming when they don't get what they want, Tantrums, not staying in their own beds, diapers at 2 years old, the list goes on, I never had any of these issues with my kids when they were little. J. L.

When a child is old enough to understand that his actions get reactions, I would think it is a good time to use a mild form of discipline or direction if the need arises. I think you are off to a good start with the 'no' and the 'tone'. Really too, it depends on the ‘why’ your baby is acting the way they are. Some children will scream simply to get what they want or because they are not satisfied with a situation. In my mind, that is not acceptable nor should it be ignored. If you have confirmed that your child is not attempting to communicate with you, trying to express that they want or need something from you...but are actually demonstrating behavior along the lines of being spoiled, or throwing a tantrum for no good reason, then it is not a bad idea to tell them 'no' and get them familiar with the term and what it means. And you can also tell them why they cannot continue. I do agree that talking to your baby is important. Even if you feel silly doing so. It is a great benefit to your child to hear mature expressions from you early on in their life. If they realize from a young age that they cannot whine, scream, or cry non-stop just to get their way, it will save you a lot of heartache and frustration as they get older.

Discipline tends to be a scary word for people, but I see discipline as a form of love and interest in a child’s developmental growth. It does not always have to be ugly; it can simply mean encouraging good behavior and correcting bad behavior when necessary

Whatever you do don't just "give in", because then he will learn that screaming works to get him what he wants.
Try and teach him to find other ways of communicating with you - like pointing at what he wants, or maybe try that "baby sign language"...
You might have to help him do it for a while 'till he gets the hang of it of course, but be patient and it will come!
good luck!!

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/disc.php

this is a site you might find helpful. i don't think it's ever too early start disciplining. but remember, to discipline means to teach. our children are learning from birth and every experience. the more we as parents understand about what our children need and the stages they are going through, the better we can raise them and get along.

did you ever take developmental psychology in school? well, it is very helpful when it comes to parenting. remember, at 9 months he's understanding more but doesn't have the words to communicate. that's one reason many parents use sign language--it decreases a lot of frustration between parents and children.

you can use the "no" face and tone and he won't really get it. all he knows is what he wants and that he's not getting it and that makes him upset. don't worry, you're not alone. :) it will get better!

NOW!! I am a child therapist and it is never too early. But do not use negative reinforcement always positive to keep self esteem yes it starts now!

You got some varying advice here. I could tell you what I would do if I had a better understanding of the circumstances, but it sounds to me like you need to decide on your own what your parenting "style" is. I believe that parenthood is the most significant task I will undertake in life and I have done a lot of reading and researching to decide how I will parent my children. My husband and I started with a parenting class that we took through our church before our first baby was born, and the "learning" has continued from there. I believe that "discipline" starts at birth - and I'm not really talking about negative consequences. Discipline is teaching/training/guiding your child. I recommend that you start with trusted family or friends and see if they have any guidance for you. If you don't get anywhere with that, try your local library and see what literature they have on parenting. There are a lot of differing view points and I'm sure you will find more than you could read in a lifetime, but I suggest you decide on your plan of action as soon as possible. You are uniquely qualified to raise your son and this is just the beginning! Good luck!

Hi!
At 9 months he may be getting his eye teeth in. THEY HURT!!!!!! Sounds like classic behavior that warrants Chamomilla 30 c. Frustration and crying like that are indications. And if it is not right there are no side effects!

I'm no doctor but worked for me...oh, and Rescue Remedy for him (topically) and for you. It REALLY helps when you are soooo frustrated. Ask any good health food store or alternative Doctor....

I resort to discipline last. Absolutely. Usually the child is asking for something he needs but can't verbalize--or even know for sure what it is!!!

(I myself am not always readily able to identify my feelings or am able to communicate them in a clear, non passionate way either...you?)

Thanks for caring so much. Thanks for hanging in there. This stage too will pass, I promise.

Sending love and extra, extra patience, beautiful mommy, been there....
Deb

There is a difference between disciplining and teaching/nurturing.... the expectations are different.

In the first scenario... it is 'expected' that the baby NOT do the 'wrong' behavior anymore. period.

In the second scenario... a baby is 'taught' boundaries... coaxed and nurtured in it... with the understanding that over time, AND age appropriately the baby will learn. Just not yet, and just not perfectly... everytime.

A baby does not have impulse control... nor the abstract reasoning, at this age, to simply "stop' and understand everything. But, over time, he/she will. A child does NOT have 'full' impulse control until about 3 years old... and even then, they will do things we don't want.

Kids will yell, tantrum, have melt-downs etc. no matter what age. BUT, as it is appropriate for their age and stage of development.... you instill boundaries in them.

Your baby is simply communicating. In the way that is for their age.

I suggest teaching him 'sign language'.... so that YOU and he can communicate and express himself in a way that is more palpable. And of course, allow for a learning curve...

Each child is different in temperament and personality. Some more strong willed than others. But at this age, yes they yell and cry. I really don't think, you should 'expect' him to just silence himself at will... or like a much older child.

Get a book...."what to expect the first year" by Arlene Eisenberg for example. Then, per each age stage... their behavior will make more sense to you... and bring on tips.

Good luck,
Susan

At 9 months this may be his only way of communicating. Is he pointing yet? Perhaps you can gently start encoraging him to point for what he wants ( although he may be young for that- I can't remember) If you speak gently to him and let him know that his needs will more likely be met without screaming he may understand. There are so many different types of personalities, but just like all people we jus want to be heard. Hope this makes sense to you. Best, H.

Crying is communicating. You can help him put into words what he wants/needs by redirecting him with the proper language, i.e. "Ball", "toy", "eat", "hungry" Screaming is his way of demanding. Demanding is rude in an older child, but in his case it is a beinging of a problem. If you stop the behavior now you won't have a problem later. A nine month old child IS capable of manipulation. Meaning that he/she has learned how to get a reaction out of you by the way you responded to him early on. "Train a child in the way that he/she should go and he/she will not stray far away from it" Simply put, If you start them off the way you want them to go you will have less problems later.

I am a child care professional and I often get my parents asking me how do I get their child to listen, cooperate or anything else. It is because I learned a long time ago how they communicate and how to fill their needs without a whole bunch on screaming or yelling.

Question: "When do we stop an undesirable behavior? Answer: When it starts (nip it in the bud). Don't wait until they are nine months old; talk to them from the beginning " you want milk?" "you like that toy?" "tummy hurts?" etc. Then fill that need.

Now that you know what he likes have it available for him. Does he like to play after meals? Does he have a favorite toy he plays with? Put it on the mat after he eats or in his crib.

Hope this helps,

Blessings,

I started the moment my 1 year old had a tantrum, which was around 7 months. He understood "no" really quickly... of course now the challenge is open defiance with a laugh and a smile. But I don't think there is any reason to put off laying down the law. I have a 13 year old cousin who was never disciplined by her parents... seeing her attitude toward everyone and her expectation that she will get whatever she desires... drives me toward setting a good example now, not later.

You will also enjoy:

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=29Qhmp...

K.