When to Share a Family "Secret"

You need to get over your hang ups before you say anything. It doesn't change things, it shouldn't change things, that in your mind it will change things is the only issue I see. You are going to color their perception of reality and that isn't fair on them or your family.

My kids have known I was adopted for as long as they can remember, it is non issue. Doesn't change anything, this is still my family.

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I don't get the don't tell them answers, why? Why not tell them? It is what it is. I can say no one in my family has ever told my kids that I was adopted. No one treats me differently. Still the kids will ask questions that you will have to honestly answer, I don't know, I am adopted. You may know your bio mother but not enough to answer who's eyes are these and things like that.

If you have girls they will eventually be asked the breast cancer question, do you know enough about your bio mom to answer that? What if something comes up that you need to know, how are you going to say it will take a while to find out and they are think just call grandma.

They should know, they should have always known because it really isn't a big deal to be adopted.

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i disagree with all the advice to keep it hidden. as you say, it's not a secret, nor should it be. kids will imbue the information with exactly as much drama and emotion as you present it. if it's introduced naturally and casually, it will be accepted as just that. and since you're clearly a parent who welcomes discussion and answers questions, there won't be anything for the kids to latch onto as 'uh-oh.'
just let it arise and don't shy away from it. it'll be fine.
:) khairete
S.

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Aaaaw, I love your post, it's so healthy.

I agree with oneanddone, why would it change anything?

You said yourself you were loved by your mom same as her bio kids.

YOUR kids will have NO perception they are being jilted even after they know the truth unless you portray it that way. Kids are much more open minded about family structured tan adults are.

I wonder that since your sis is having a baby YOU might be a little nervous. Why do you feel 'outside' the group when your mom "couldn't love your children more"? Clearly she has a lot of love to spread around!

Present it in a positive light and that is the feeling your kids will walk away with.

My kids don't know a lot of completely traditional families. That is to say, all their friends have something like this. Their father and I are divorced, so they too have a "non-traditional" family. But they are SOOOO loved by everyone in it.

Don't worry so much, ok?

:)

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i dont think they need to know until it comes up. if your brother or sister had a step kid that they loved as their own would you one day bring up the fact they werent blood?
obviously if one day you're looking through baby pictures you can say this is my biological mother i was adopted by grandmom...but i wouldnt even bring up the fact THEY arent blood. honestly they probably wouldnt even think it if you didnt bring them into the eqation and made it all about you...
kids dont realize that blood makes family...marriage and love does

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I have to be blunt with this, because I have lived it and can speak to this directly.

You do NOT need to "share" this with your children. It's not an "honesty" issue - it's not an issue, period. I can't say it any clearer - DO NOT DO THIS. You will CAUSE the separation in their head that you think you are trying to prevent.

I say this because I have experience with this specific situation. I am the non-bio child of my father. He's been in the picture since just before I was born. My non-bio family treats me like "real" family. Yes, I did go through, and sometimes feel the little bit of outside, but that is MY issue. I dealt with it, and it's no longer an issue for me.

When I read this, I IMMEDIATELY called my older, non-bio sister, who is more of a sister to me than my blood sister is, and asked her if her child or any of the other children/grandchildren of my non-blood brother know that my dad isn't my bio-dad. She said NO. It never came up. It's not important. It has no bearing on THEIR lives. It was a fact for our parents, and us, but the "need to know" ended there.

So honesty is not an issue here. It is YOUR fact but has no bearing on the family dynamics, especially if your children are, as you say, they are not treated differently. By telling them, YOU will make them feel differently. Telling your children this will pass YOUR baggage onto them for NO reason.

YOU may be feeling some strange feelings because your Step-sis is going to have a baby, but they are YOUR feelings and you need to deal with them yourself. Do not read problems and behaviors onto your Step-sis and grandma. If grandma starts acting wierd, ask her about it, but I think you need to come to terms more with your feelings before you read something wrong from them, behavior wise.

You are part of the family, they are part of the family. Do not separate them with this information that has NOTHING to do with them.

ADD: I don't think this needs to be hidden, but it doesn't need to be brought up. If it might come up in conversation, deal with it then as a simple "no big deal" fact. The "family meeting" thing makes it very important, non-casual, etc. and will be processed that way. If it's just part of a conversation that's happening, no big thing.

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I have a similar situation: my mother is not in my life and hasn't been for the past long while. (due to untreated mental illness which she refuses to acknowledge.) This is safe and healthy for my family. My husband has never met her and my son will never meet her while he's a young person because she's just incredibly toxic.

This has been easier for me to explain to my son, because I've never called my stepmother 'mom'. She is most certainly his "Mae Mae" and shares that grandmotherly name with all the grandkids, bio or step. Because I've called Mae Mae "Dad's wife", he grew up knowing that she was not my bio mom. He's asked to meet my mom, and I've explained that he could do that when he was a grown-up if he wanted, but that she is 'not safe with her words' (that's all he needs to know at five) and so we don't see her.

If it were me, I would wait until your kids are a bit older, or if they begin asking you questions about a perceived difference of treatment. We adults worry a lot about our kids feeling like they are getting 'fair treatment', but I think it's often the case that kids are happy with what they get and that those peripheral extended family relationships are less important or influential than the immediate, in-home family relationships. (Of course, this is different in a multigenerational home, where grandparents or aunts and uncles are present.)

In short, so long as you and your husband are making sure to give your own kids 'equal treatment', I do think that some of this will continue to slip by the radar for a while.

When kids are older, they do sometimes notice those inequities between cousins. When your child is older, the explanation of your own mother leaving you will be less scary (because if your mom left you, what's to say that you or dad won't leave? This is sometimes a fear children have.).

Too early, and things can be confusing. Consider it this way: if you weren't worried that your kids would notice different treatment, would you bring it up yet? Or wait until the kids were much, much older? and remember that whatever you tell your eldest may very well be told to youngest. That's a load and a half for a four year old. He may only hear "mom's mom left when she was four... uh-oh." If it were me, I would wait.

And in this somewhat similar circumstance (with our kids being 'step' grandkids) I will never, ever point out those inequalities in gifts/attention, etc. to my son or in his presence. My goal is to help my folks (dad and his wife) have the best relationship *they know how to have* with my son. I try to keep my focus on what's there-- and to ignore what's not.

And when you do decide to tell them, do focus on the beauty of adoption and not the harsh realities of abandonment. My mother did a horrid job of reminding me of my adoption at age 9 ("well, your real father didn't want you....) instead of "Your birth father wasn't able to care for you, but Daddy loved you so much that he wanted you to be his girl too, just like your sister." An adoption story which focuses on your stepmom's unconditional love, instead of picking up the pieces of someone else's mistake, is a greater gift to share. My stepmom is a treasure and I don't know what I'd do without her!

5 moms found this helpful

Hmmmm...depends on the child. My son was under 3 when his pap (my stepfather) passed. After my mom made a comment using "your father" a few years later, I saw that my son was confused and I explained the situation. Although he had some questions and was curious about my bio dad (deceased) he was otherwise unaffected.
Give your daughter some credit. Love can be FELT, it doesn't always need to be defined a certain way.
Look for an opening--an adoption, a divorce, etc then expand it to your situation. Be open, honest and she'll be fine.

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I see no reason to share this information. Family is family. That's the honest truth. There's no need to point out any differences or say, "This is what we've told you, but this is how it actually is. But things are still the same. Really." That conversation you plan to have will be a turning point, and you're already aware of that, but it's not a turning point that's necessary or important or positive. It's not something that will make them feel better. When they're older and they find out, it's not like it will be some great revelation. Simply, "Grandma is Grandpa's second wife and not Mom's mom? Huh."

You just don't need to let it stew for years and years starting in childhood.

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Family is family - whether related by blood, marriage, or not at all.
Family is more than a blood line - it is how you feel about someone.
Unless you are going to explain all the nuances of family to your 7 and 4 year old - don't tell them anything.

I can't even imaging that conversation - Well Little Johnny and Little Jill, I just need to tell you that Grandma really is not related to you. Um, DUH, of course Grandma is related to them - through marriage and love and family history.

Are you sure that it is not you who is feeling insecure about the step mom's feeling when the new little one joins the family?

Last thought - A family that I know has has half siblings (by blood) but in their family there is no half anything so everyone is called brother.

Please leave it alone. I think your children really are too young .

Hugs

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Tell them now,

And this is how.-- practice in front of a mirror or whatever, NO big sit down and "we have to talk.. duh duh da" that is what makes things creepy.

just bring up families, oh you know joey at school lives with is grandma, Did you know that when i was little, just 2 years old walking but not big enought to ride a bike, Grampa frank got married to grandma Mary and we all lived together and when i was 4 they had your Uncle Mike , and we lived on Main street and when i got bigger I had a pet cat named Fluffy. what ever, but bring it up casually, and embed it other family reminscence, That way they KNOW but they don't project heavy thoughts on it, oh this is just my mom's life and it's normal and fine.

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Is this a problem? I'm being serious here because it sounds like it might be more an issue for you than for them. Is this because of your own mixed feelings about a "full bio" kid coming soon? Do you just need your SM to reassure you that she loves you and your kids as much as ever? Maybe you should have a heart to heart with her first.

For me, I was 7 when my mom fessed up that my father adopted me but it was in part because I was being treated as lesser than by his family (who utterly doted on my sister). So there was a reason. I'd wait for a family tree project or something and say, "Grandpa was married before and he and his first wife had M.. But they got divorced and he married Grandma and they had x more children who are x,y, and z." If you treat it like a fact vs a boogeyman, then it won't be an issue if it's not already. I'm not saying shove it under a rock and hide it, but I wouldn't make an issue of it. Follow?

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We had a very similar situation with my ex. His bio dad was never involved in his life (his paternal grandparents were however) and his step-dad adopted him and his brothers (not until he was 13/14). He did not want to talk to our children about this and I felt it wasn't my decision to make. They would periodically ask questions about dad's family. When they were about 10 and 8, we had gotten an invite to one of his bio dad's nephews grad party. They were old enough to realize this didn't match-up. My ex gave this blank deer-in-the-headlights look so I explained.

They're first reaction was, "so, he's not my papa". And then they wanted to know what else we had lied about. Those were the reasons I had wanted to tell them from the start. If they had always known, it wouldn't have been a big deal - just part of their life. Their other reaction was that they "hate" the bio paternal grandfather because he hurt their dad.

It's been six years now since they found out and don't think anything of it. My advice is to just start facts and leave emotion out of it. Let them process and ask questions. Explain that your step-mom is your mom and she couldn't love you or your children any more. Good luck!

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I cannot imagine how they would feel 'different' in this situation. They are YOUR children and they know you love them and they need that security. You felt different but you can stop the chain right here, give them the information, that's it, and if when they grow you wish to share your pain with them then go ahead at the right time but family dynamics do not have to be different, feelings don't have to be different and don't read more into or plant ideas into their heads that need not be there. Little people love their extended family and their egos need not change because of this. It is not a burden you need to carry anymore either. If possible, practise letting this all go, and ask yourself how does this help my life? My feelings are that it really won't if you carry it on.

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Ya know, this is where this website is so great. My initial feeling about this is that in a L., tight family, it wouldn't make any difference to your kids. (Although at 7 and 4, how to you explain biology, when they don't know about sex?)

But then I read below, and most of the responses make a very good case for not telling your kids. And I think they are right. Lesley put it exquisitely:

"Family is family - whether related by blood, marriage, or not at all.
Family is more than a blood line - it is how you feel about someone."

If biology meant so much, then how could people adopt?

I changed my mind after reading the other responses. Don't tell them. Maybe it will be of interest when they are older teens. Until then, family is how you feel about someone.

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I wouldn't really consider this a family secret. Its just a piece of family history that the family doesn't talk about. 'Secret' implies that its a bad thing. While it was a shake up with many hurt feelings, may people in the family and public knew about it, so it really isn't a 'secret'.

We have a similar situation. My husband's mom passed away when he was young. Other memebers have been in many relationships, bringing kids with them, etc. We actually just had this talk with my kids because one of them came home wanting to fill out a family tree. *Sigh*. 'How much paper do you have?'

So we just explained how it was. In your situation, I don't see where knowing will change anything. Yes she isn't 'blood', but she's the only mom you've known and the only 'your mom' your kids have known. It's all about the way you present it.

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I suggest that you're over thinking this. At ages 7 and 4 they are comfortable with the way it is. I wouldn't disrupt that sense of security. I would wait until they're older and start asking questions about various families make up. In a discussion about why so and so has a step dad you can casually say that your mom is your step-mom. Just that unless they ask another question. This way they will gradually learn the make up of their family when they're interested in knowing. And the learning will be gradual with them getting as much information as they're wanting to know.

If you just out and out tell them, the telling will be abrupt and more apt to cause confusion and those feelings of being different that you're concerned about.

I suggest that they never have to feel that they're different or are being treated differently because they are not being treated differently. Allow the warmth and security of your family to continue to embrace them. If you don't tell them that step children are treated differently, loved differently they won't feel different.

I adopted my daughter when she was older. My grandchildren have both a birth father and a step father. They are now 12 and 9. The issue of being different, being treated or love differently has never come up. We are a solid family that includes birth and adopted/step parents. The birth father of the 12 yo lives in another state is not so involved but we speak of him as her Dad and her step father is her Papa.

You don't have the issue of different titles. Just continue treating everyone as part of the family. Actual relationships may or may not come up while your children are young. Yes, at some point they will need to know for medical and legal reasons that your mom is a step mom but you don't have to bring it up. There will come a natural time when it will be a part of the conversation.

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I honestly don't think your kids will feel differently - relationships to parents and grandparents are different enough that I don't think your kids will feel what you felt. Just mention it casually when the right opportunity presents itself. Maybe if you're talking about a blended family that you know, you could just tell your story in simple terms e.g. "did you know that I was in a blended family too? Grammy wasn't my mom when I was born. I had a different mother when I was born but she moved far away and Grampa met Grammy when I was little and they got married and she became my mom." They'll probably ask questions about your birth mother and you can just answer them simply and honestly, which might include a lot of "I don't know" answers and that's OK.

I think that in saying that things will change, you're projecting your own experience on them. Being abandoned as an child is terrible and leaves scars, no matter how good your life has been after that. Your kids don't have those scars - they know nothing but love and stability. My husband's mother died before I met him and his father re-married almost 10 years ago. So technically, my kids have a step-grandmother on my husband's side of the family and it doesn't faze them at all. They would like to have met my husband's mother, but my FIL's current wife IS their grandmother and always will be even without blood ties.

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My mom had this same dilemma (her dad, my grandpa, is not her biological dad but raised her as his own and NEVER wanted her to ever tell my brother and I this news). She waited till we were done with college and then told us. We are to never let my grandpa know that we know. I find it completely admirable that he does not want us to know. I am very glad she did not tell me when I was young bc it would have given me mixed feelings around all my cousins when I was too young to process that info.

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You know your kids better than anyone, and you know what they can handle. I am usually of the mind that telling them when they are older usually comes as a much bigger shock because they are old enough to put it in more context. Little ones understand the world as you explain it to them, not as big a shock.

I like the idea of finding a relatable story to work it into. Maybe get a book where a character was adopted (maybe the Jamie Lee Curtis one?) and talk about it that way. How special that child is even though they were not born to their mother, etc, etc. You'll feel the vibe when you're in the situation. Asking 'do you think that child feels special?' and then 'that's kind of like me, I wasn't born to my mom....' and on and on. If you make it a serious sit down, they will take it that way. If you keep it light, they will take it that way. Then be open for questions later, or maybe even read a follow up book to give space for future comments. And then let it go. Not buried, just taken care of.

Good luck!

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I think you are over thinking this. There is no real reason at this age to tell them, sure at some point the subject might come up and then if you want you can and probably should, but because you are fearful grandma might dote on the new baby more is not the reason to do it. Truth is grandma will dote on the new baby more, babies are just 'cuter' and 'new' and everyone loves a baby.

I see this every time I have a baby. It doesn't mean the older are any less loved though.

Now I have 2 none biological children. I am mom though, I have been mom since they were itty bitty. My children know that I didn't give birth to them. When they were little and would ask something that pertained to being pregnant with them I would explain that I didn't carry them, or I can't answer a certain question because I wasn't there when they were babies. Everyone knows this, and still they forget, that biologically they are not my children.

Find a moment, where there is an opening and take that. Let them lead the conversation. If you just sit down now and do it, it will lead to them feeling different. If it is causally brought up off of another topic they will think nothing of it.

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I feel they should understand the truth someday, but I think they are way to young to understand it right now. Maybe when they're teenagers? It's not fair to confuse them because they're not old enough to comprehend the situation.

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I don't know that they really would have to know until really they are much, much older. Age 7 is not old enough to understand "life". Give it another 10+ years. There is no reason to lay this on them now, especially if the rest of the family isn't saying anything. JMO. Good luck.

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This situation isn't as uncommon as you might think. Chances are that one or more of your daughter's friends has divorced parents. So that ground work may already be laid.

My kids were adopted. I started tellling them their story as babies and yes, it was hard to do at first. I started with just the basics and as they got older added details. My kids are fine with the idea that we are not blood related but we are so totally family. Their relationships with their cousins, aunts and uncle and grandmother were not impacted at all with the knowledge. Why would it? They are the same people they have been since my kids entered the family.

I frankly was more shocked when as an adult I found out about a family secret that really didn't need to be a secret at all. At that point, I began to question the motives of the secret keeper. From what you have said, your information isn't that shocking.

If you need to introduce the concept of non-blood related family for younger children try reading "Little Miss Spider" or "A Mother for Choco". They are good intros to the subject. Many of my discussions with my kids have been very casual. You don't have to make a big deal of it, if the topic comes up, you can mention it. I've made sure that my kids understand that they can come and talk with me about it at any time. Neither of my kids is bothered at all by the fact that they were adopted.

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I have a similar situation, except that my birth mother passed away and I still see her family on a regular basis. My Dad remarried when I was two. We have already "shared" with our 4 year old that she has an "extra" Grandma in heaven.
Our daughter kind of forced the issue last Christmas when she was trying to figure out who Great-Grandma B belonged to. She knew that her other Great Grandma (staying at my parents with us) was her Grandpa's M., but she had a hard time understanding who the Great Grandma we went to visit belonged to. We explained that M. (me) had 2 mommies. One who carried me in her tummy then had to go to heaven and one who I met later and she loved me and wanted to be my Mom too. She asked a few questions, but the overall response was "okay."
If you think your kids are ready to know more of your family history, I could keep it simple as possible. Who don't HAVE to go into the concept of divorce, etc. I would focus on how special your mom by marriage is and how much she loves your family. As your kids get older they may have more questions and you can share more information with them then. But, for now - I would just tell them that you had 2 mommies and the one who carried you in her tummy had to leave and your step mom chose to love you and that it's a very special thing when that happens.

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They will take their cues from you. If you act as if it doesn't change anything then it won't. Especially since she has been your mother since you were very young. I had a grandparent who was my moms stepdad. He couldn't have been any more of a real grandparent. He loved us all immensely and we loved him. He died last year, and I never cried so hard. My moms biological father was a drunk and not in our lives. So, don't make a big deal about it, and the kids won't either. Not really a family "secret", if you ask me. My family has some real doozies! Maybe do a little genealogy project with the kids and explain it then.

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I would personally not say anything until it came up naturally. You birth mother is not in your life so no need to bring her up.

That said, I have a half sister myself. She has a Bio-mother who she has very little contact with and who I have only met twice in my life time, I think. I'm unsure if she's told her children about her Bio-mother, I would think by now they know of her, but I'm unsure if she's ever met them. Her children are much older then yours.

As for new baby, I'm in your sister's shoes. I often wonder if "Mom" has a stronger connection to my daughter and soon to be son then she does with my sister's children simply because of the "shared blood". If she does then it is not intentional in anyway. If your mom is a good one, and I feel that she is, then the situation may be similar. No outright favouritism on your mother's part but there may be a little "more" given subconsciously.

Good luck.

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Yep, I think I would wait till a "teachable moment". You will know when it is there. Might be at adolescence, when you can say, be careful who you marry. Might be before or after then. It's not a burden unless you make it one. The more casual and "in the moment" you make it, the less the big deal its going to be.

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If you really think they need to know, I would wait until they are teens. really, what will it accomplish? If grandma will not love the new baby more, is telling them anything going to change that? I think in any family, when a new baby comes, you worry about the older children thinking the baby is loved more. You might want to push this to the side as well for the ideae that the children may start to look at things incorrectly as well. Grandma pays more attn to the baby when she has the sniffles or something so it must mean she loves the baby more because we are not blood related. You don;t want to create a problem that is not there now. Like others have mentioned, you might be overthinking things.

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I agree with Jo W. 7 seems like a good age and she can certainly comprehend the family dynamic. But don't tell your kids when they are tweens/teens as others have suggested. When hormones are high it is a terrible time to discover new information that can be dramatized. I remember in middle school having lots of friends learning family "secrets" and thinking why oh why did their parents pick now to tell them. I already knew my family's history and it was just part of my background story. Good luck!

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Don't tell! There are no benefits to the children to know this secret-not one. In a child's mind-they will think if your mom gave you up and let another woman raise you-then they will feel as though you might do that-nothing you say will make them feel otherwise-it will be a disaster.

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My kids found out that grammy is not daddy's birth mom last fall. His "real" mom lives in another state & really hasn't been there much for him. She left him sitting in a bar for hours by himself when he was about 3 yrs old... while she took what she wanted from the house & left him & his dad. Sadly, his dad didn't know what was going on till after he got off work & when home to find no one & then had to look for his boy. She signed over rights to him without even thinking about it.

Grammy & Papa meet though their boys... hubby & his step-brother wanted to go and play together and have sleep overs. But both of their single parents wanted to meet the person that would be taking care of their boy & the rest of the story is... they started off with "play dates" for the kids, to dating and now married for over 30 years.

Anyways, when things happened last fall with my health & they weren't sure how things would pan out for me or if they would... for the first time in years his "real" mom come to stay and help for a week. You see we have 5 kids... one of which was just about 10 days old when things went badly. I know my hubby can do it, but with everything any help was nice.

My kids were 8 yrs, 7 yrs, 5 yrs, 2 yrs and newborn... it didn't cause any issues - they just found someone else that could/would love them.

As for me... I was a teen before I found out my great-grandma was really my great-great-aunt and my great-grandpa was really my great-great-uncle-in-law & that my grandma had a sister... I thought she was an only child, altough I did know her sister & have had her in my life as far back as I can remember.

Anyways... I don't know if there is a right age. or situation. Whenever it feels right it does.

So you know... when my uncle was 16, he had to have a tumor removed from his brain. At that time the surgery was experimental, but without it he would not make it that much longer... he woke-up and kept telling everyone about this really strange dream he had while he was out. He said this beautiful woman sat beside his bed, holding his hand and kept telling him that it was not his time, he needed to fight & wake-up. That she would be waiting and see him again when it was. He said she introduced herself as his mother's mother, but she couldn't be because it wasn't his grandma. A few months later he saw an old picture of 2 ladies standing infront of trees... he started crying - he said that is the woman that was sitting beside my bed. She is the one that said she was my mother's mother. It was Grace (my grandma's birth mother that died after giving birth to my grandma) & her sister Della (the woman that raised my grandma as her child since she was not able to have children & the woman that will always be my L. great-grandma)... it was the first time my grandma showed the picture to anyone & told the story about grandma Grace.

Every family has stories... when they come out differs. When it is right - it will come out. And to be honest... kids today are more perpaired for all this then in days past. So many families have steps... for families not to anymore is odder then for them to have steps. My kids have very few classmates that still have both of their blood parents in the home. Actually their classmates have called my kids liers because they say that mom & dad are still married and when people find out that all 6 of my kids are all from the same man - people question me on if I'm being truthful.

In the end no matter how your family was formed... as long as everyone loves eachother - that is all that really matters. So, when you do tell them - just make sure that the information doesn't change how anyone feels about them & that they are still loved despite it.

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This is not at all essential to go through with kids as if it's a big deal. What I'd suggest is when another family (kid's friends, your friends) have step-parent/child relationsihpi that yoru child asks about you can then kind of do an explanation. My kids have step-cousins, and our late neighbor (she died very young of cancer) was the step sister of my brother's wife - so when the kids didn't understand a family relationship I'd give their "step-cousins" as an example: "You know how Lori and Tim aren't Aunt Sally's kids, but they are Uncle Bob's kids? Well that's how Susie & Dylan are related - and you know what, grandma is like that to me. The lady who gave birth to me was very confused when she was young and she wasn't a good M. - so she left and grandpa married grandma when I was a really little girl. So she became my M.." And that's all the kids need to know. They will ask about your bio-mom - and the best answer is probably something like: "she wasn't a very good mom - and when I was little it hurt my heart and sometimes it does now to think that she couldn't be a good mom to me. I don't know where she is, but I know that grandma was a really good mom - she became my real mom".

Do not draw to your kids' attention that you think your stepsister's kid is going to get or will get more "love" from you mom. There may be a sliver of truth, or it could be your perception, or it could be really obviously true to anyone on the outside. BUT - let your kids come to their own conclusions. If there are discrepancies they probably won't notice it for a few years, and hopefully they won't ever. Only if they ask would I answer - and acknowledge but don't make it a big deal - other wise it will become a bigger hurt to you and your kids.

Keep in mind that even in families where there aren't stepkids a grandparent may favor some grandkids over others. And babies, toddlers and pre-schoolers are so much more adorable than older kids - and they show love to their grandparents (& parents) more readily than older kids. I saw it from both perspectives - when my kids were little my SIL and pre-teen nephew resented my kids becuase my MIL & FIL talked about them all the time, they were taking their first steps, going to their first day or pre-school, etc. while my pre-teen nephew was being a typical 12 yr old. Then years later my MIL & FIL went gaga over their new grandbaby, my BIL's child. And why not - she was adorable and jumping into grandpa's arms while my kids were now 10 - 13 and not nearly as interested in hanging out with their grandparents.

Family dynamics are difficult in all families. Don't allow it to affect yoru kids more than neccessary. You love your children and they are fortunate to have a mom that loves them. How wonderful for them!

Please do not tell them. They are 4 and 7. You will totally confuse them. Please do not do it. They are happy kids right well let's keep them that way.