When to Quit!

As a retired flute teacher, I can commiserate with you. When most of my students got to high school other activities took precedence and they quit the flute. I have found that the student who sticks with it is one in a million and does it because he/she loves his music. This is the student who practices on his own and gives it his all.
Before I let her quit band I would try to find out what it is about band that is bothering her. Maybe it is the teacher. Also, if the band depends on her a lot you might have to encourage her to stick with it until the end of the school year. You want to teach her responsibility, but not at the expense of her totally turning against music. Perhaps there is another music group she would like better. I would let her choose, though. In the long run , she will hate band if she is forced to continue with it. Does she play an instrument that could be used in orchestra? She might like that better. Explore her options, but let her quit if she is determined. Playing when you hate it will do no good.

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You know, I liked being in band when I was in middle school, but then for some reason I just got tired of it and realized, even though I had talent I did not want to be in the band anymore. My parents let me quit, I kept my instruments up until a couple years ago, I'm 26, and I turned out fine.

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You know, maybe she just doesn't like it! It's ok to not like something, but I agree that she can't just up and quit. She made a commitment to the whole band and she needs to fulfill that. Till the end of the year. Then give her the option of quitting. I've been involved with music my whole life and those end of the year concerts that you work so hard for end up being soo worth the work that she may decide it's worth sticking with it. We tell our kids that if they start something and decide they don't like it, it's ok, but they must finish the entire year and then can decide if they still want to do it again. It's amazing how seriously they look into things now before they join. Good Luck!!

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I would first sit down with her and try to find out why she dislikes it now as opposed to the previous year. Is it not challenging enough? Is there someone bothering her? Does she feel she's not good enough? There could be a million reasons, but I wouldn't settle for "I just don't like it anymore." I think once you find out WHY, then you'll be able to make a better decision as to whether to allow her to quit or not.

I have absolutely no musical talent, but my husband does. He's told me that when he was in Jr High and High school he wanted to quit and his parents wouldn't let him. Now he's really good and actually has a stable part-time job in a band (almost 20 years with this band). He loves to play music now, wishes he had more time for it and is thankful his parents wouldn't let him quit. We've already decided that our children will be required to take at least one music class each year until they graduate.

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T.:

I wondered how old your daughter was. My son played saxophone during his middle school years. When he got to high school, he didn't seem to have time to fit it in. I guess his interests had changed a bit to include more woods and industrial arts classes. I guess my opinion is that they will always carry that musical aptitude and will someday (hopefully) tap into it again. Maybe your daughter just has too much schoolwork and not enough time to relax and enjoy band. I am from a family that loves music (my sister is a band teacher) and it is the joy of my heart. God Bless YOu and help you in this trying time. J. H.

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Is there a reason she is so miserable? I too was in band and tall flags, and loved the expierience but maybe something is going on that is changing that. I feel like you do, and had this dilima with my know 16 year old, he was never very athletic but in the 6th grade he wanted to go out for football, I was unsure and very clear about the fact that he couldn't just quit because he would have an obligation to the other team mates, he said he understood so I let him , two weeks later he hated it, i still made him go, it wasn't until my husband pointed out the fact that I wouldn't want anyone forcing me to do something that I didn't want to do so why was I forcing him? Good question that I really didn't have an answer for,becuase he is right I wouldn't. Support her, and if you can afford it maybe get private lessons, next year she migh be ready to try again. Maybe she is just overwhelmed with all the changes going on in her life and just needs a little break.

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Music is such a wonderful thing to have in your life! We had a similar situation with our son (11 yrs. old) this year. He had been in band for two years and even enjoyed summer band. Suddenly this year he didn't want to be in band anymore. I also had talked him into staying, because he plays so well, even without practice. But he was miserable and it became a fight to get him to go to band practice. I did not want music to become something to fight about and maybe lead him to hate participating in any type of music performance, so I let him quit band. He stayed with his piano lessons, and loves to sing, so music is still a part of his life. It also helped that the band instructor said that he can rejoin if he likes in 7th or even 8th grade. It was a hard decision, but our son is so much happier. Best of luck to you!

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Your situation has me wondering what the root problem is. She liked band last year, so what changed over the summer? How is it getting tougher? I'm guessing it doesn't have much to do with playing an instrument and more to do with social interactions. If she's coming home crying, there's gotta be something more. Find out what it is and try to deal with it before letting her give up. Remember, though, that her emotional health is more important than not being a quitter.

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I personally don't think you would give her the idea that quiting is ok if you did let her quit. I think you should sit down with her and seriously talk about the ups and downs and why she is having such a hard time but keeping her in something she really doesn't want to be in will not encourage her to keep doing it especially something like a band at school. When I was in high school my mom really pushed me to play on the softball team (I had played softball most my life) but I really didn't want to because I was kind of sick of always playing softball...well I tried out, made the team, and hated the whole season. Anyway, I would try and encourage her to continue playing in the band but if it's something she really doesn't want to do it may be time for her to stop for now and possibly in the future she'll pick it up again...maybe she just needs a break. I hope this helps. Good luck!!

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It sounds like something bad happened to her while there this summer. Have you tried talking with her to see why the change in her behavior toward band is. There are so many possiblities that could be triggering this. Maybe she has just changed her mind about band and really is not interested in it any more or like I said someone might have done something to harm her while there. But sit and talk with her and find out why she does not like it. If it is something serious or let her quit but if she will not talk to you about it then something happened and she does not want you to know about it and you need to get her out ASAP. Kids can be cruel and leaving her in that kind of situation would just make her hate you. Letting her quit is not a bad thing. Just tell her you like her music and would like her to still take lessons for whatever she plays and don't force her to stay in band.

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I think it's important to know when to quit in life. Successful people do not stay in unfulfilling jobs for their whole careers, right? She sounds pretty unhappy and it sounds like she's hung in there plenty of time to make sure things aren't going to improve. I would treat it like a job and give two week's notice. The band will survive. :)

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OK..first off, Summer IS a vacation for kids and having to get up and go to band practice when everyone else is out having fun kind of puts a damper on something she now regards as a "chore". Something obviously happened during the Summer practice that she hasn't told you about. Talk WITH her, not TO her and maybe you can get her to open up. She shouldn't look at a gift as a burden and if she is forced to do something she doesn't want to do,it could destroy her love for music and never pick the instrument up again. That is my personal opinion.
Good luck!
S.

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Do you know why she doesn't like band anymore? Is it just because she thinks it's hard? If so, then you could tell her the solution would be to practice more and give it her best effort.

I think you need to find that exactly why she wants to quit and then let that help you make your decision, but regardless I think she should be required to finish out this school year. You're right, she needs to know that you can't just quit things because you don't want to do them, or because they're hard, you have to stick to your commitments and follow through with what you signed up to do. This sounds like a good life lesson that she needs to learn sooner than later.

Good luck!

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I'm glad you have made the decision to not let her quit. I started playing piano at 10 and I had a short time period where I didn't want to practice and I just wanted to quit, but my mom wouldn't let me. I'm glad she didn't. She made me practice for 1/2 hour every day and would set a timer so I had to sit there until it went off. I didn't like it at the time, but now I'm really glad. It was just a slump that I needed to get over and she knew that. Your daughter will appreciate you doing this for her, even if she doesn't admit it! :)

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Did your daughter get a new teacher this year and did she know that is was coming over the summer? Or maybe the music the teacher is picking isn't what her tastes run to. I've been playing the piano for 25 years and play several other different instruments. See if she would like to change what she plays. I started in fifth grade playing the flute and in my sophmore year switched to the bassoon. I felt that I was doing more good by switching from a treble instrument (there was a BUNCH of flute players) to a bass instrument. Maybe she feels like she really isn't contributing to the band. Maybe her passion is gone for it. Is she in the marching band? I hated marching band and didn't do it, but was allowed once concert band started to practice with the rest of the kids. That was one of the best things I ever did in my high school career. Good luck, and at least she tried it and has found that she doesn't like it. She might even change her mind once she doesn't have it in her life.

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If it is the band class that is upsetting her so much, I would let her quit and try private lessons. It's a shame to let talent go to waste, but it's not worth being miserable either.

I took piano lessons my whole life and went through many phases of wanting to quit. My mom didn't stress out over the practicing, but just made me keep going to my lesson even if that was the only time I played the whole week. It paid off, I eventually came to love it when I was 16 and put my heart into it after that. I'm glad I didn't quit, but I'm also glad my mom didn't stress me out when she could have.

There are so many battles you can have with your children. Having a talent or learning music shouldn't be one of them!

Good Luck
M.

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I was in band for years and loved it.... until we had a terrible instructor. I loved the music and the people, but did not wish to stay in his abusive classroom. My parents supported my decision to quit, even after thousands of dollars invested in private lessons, etc. This may not be why your daughter wishes to quit, but the best thing parents can do is be supportive of their children. It may be more meaningful to her that you support and repect her feelings and that may be the overall message instead of one about quitting. Perhaps there is more to her reasons. A conversation with her (open and listening) may reveal more about why. There are so many possible reasons, but one of the most important things to remember is that if her heart isn't in it, she won't fully enjoy it. And if she truly loves music, she will find ways to incorporate it into her life. You can support her in this, as well, by going to concerts and festivals outside of school functions and expanding your listening genres. Would you want to be corralled into something against your wishes.... so much that you were in tears??
(On a hopeful note.... there were many very talented musicians who quit band in my school and most of them continued with music after high school, several are now professional musicians. The rest of us still appreciate music and it is a part of our lives. I was able to expand my participation in other arts with my time freed up from band practice. I now teach art and dance and fully believe in following our passions!)

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you also don't want to give her the impression that she always has to stick with something that isn't right for her, because there will be times in her life when it is appropriate to quit. maybe she's being mistreated by someone in the band? band is supposed to be fun and if it's not anymore for her, why not let her use her time for something else that interests her right now? i thoroughly enjoyed playing the baritone for one year and would like to someday pick it up again. but i only played for a year because i didn't like the band teacher the following year and i preferred to focus on art at the time. i'm glad i quit because i got a lot of joy out of art.

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I personally think that if she has gone 1/2 through the school year already and is still miserable... let her quit! Children change so much in the things that they like and dislike. Sure the first year was fun and new, but instead of her being miserable... have her choose something else that she would like doing more. That way she is still involved in school activities and she has the option of doing what she wants, so she can feel independant. Children sometimes do things to make their parents happy whether it makes them happy or not. I say let her quit the band and discuss with her what she would rather do.

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Not only was I in band as a high schooler, but my daughter was in band too until she graduated high school and loved every minute of it. Her fondest high school memories are band-related. But I, on the other hand, quit band (both marching and concert band) right after 10th grade. There were other things I wanted to do. I've never regretted it for two minutes but found it to be a big relief. I remember it being hard to say that I was really quitting when my band director asked me about it, but I learned a good lesson in self-confidence.

We don't always like doing the things that we may be good at. Maybe this isn't really about quitting but about being real with one's heart and knowing you are in a place you don't want to be or isn't good for you?

Because she's miserable and crying, I think the key is in finding out why. That bothers me the most. Ask her open-ended questions to help her work through her thoughts and allow her to make her own decision. In this mom/woman's opinion (for whatever that is worth! lol!) it's much more important that she learn to trust herself and know that you will listen to her than it is to be in band.

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I think you have to be careful about making your daughter stick to something she truly does not enjoy. The reality of life is that a person cannot do everything and at some point everyone will have to "quit" many of their activities to ensure that they maintain their priorities. As children get older and grow into adults life gets busy and they will have to put aside some of their extra-curricular activities (because they really are extra) to make sure they can put enough time into the things that really matter (like education and child rearing). At this point your daughter is miserable at band and her happiness needs to be the priority. This may be a good time to talk to her about responsibility and priorities and how to balance the two of them. This is a skill she needs to learn before adulthood anyway. She may decide to stay in band if it is her decision and she fully understands the consequences of her decision. If she decides to quit and it is something she truly likes she can start again next year after a little break and a commitment to stick out the whole year.

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I am a former middle school band director, so keep that in mind as you read my advice :-)

I think it is really important for her to finish her year's committment to the band. Band social dynamics are an interesting thing, and having someone quit in the middle of the year sometimes begins a grand domino effect that has huge repricutions on the entire ensemble.

A good friend of mine requires her children to be in band through their freshman year in high school simply so they are instantly part of a social group. And as a former band geek, I can proudly say that they usually make very good friends.

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You know I was put in band when I was in the fifth grade. Had natural talent as well. I practiced and did well my first year... then every single year my drive decreased. Till I was 14/15 a sophomore in high school and was just doing it for my mother... like it sounds your girls is for you. I hated it. I really did. Natural talent or no. I didn't practice... had no desire to do so, didn't want to memorize my music which let the band down far more than dropping out would have. It was really just a disaster. Every single day I loathed walking into the band room more than I can verbalize to you. It was the worst thing in the world to me. It really was... I ONLY did it for my mother. So my junior year I told her no more! I'm not doing it! I hate it! She was ticked at me. She told me the natural talent stuff, and how good it looks on my college applications, etc. All the stuff a mother has to say. I still said NOPE! Not doing it. Boy am I glad I did. I resented her every single solitary day I went into that classroom. I really did. I didn't want to do it, I'd made that clear to her. I felt like I was being forced against my will to do it and it put a strain on our relationship cause I resented her for it. Whenever she told me to practice I got indignant and angry.

So I'm saying let her drop it and add a study hall. If she hates it, doesn't want to practice, and YOU talked her into it... How is that quitting? It wasn't her choice in the first place was it? She did it for mom but it just isn't working out. I would just encourage her to find another extra curricular activity however. Year book, journalism, photography, forensics, debate... whatever. But let her drop it if she wants to. Its her life and she has to know that sometimes things just don't work out.

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I am going thru the same thing right now and my son wants to quuit. He sees it as I forced him but truely his friends all were so he did now he hates it and wants to quit so I tell him only 4 months left and then next year you will know not to do that again. Plus like you say we are not quitters.:) good luck

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Have you really pressed her for details about why she wants to quit? Have you discussed her feelings w/the band teacher? Does she have a friend or two who could shed some light on why she wants to quit? Does she enjoy the music well enough that she would continue to play the instrument if she were in private lessons but not in the band?
The answers to such questions might indicate that she is being made to feel uncomfortable in band class by either the teacher or her peers. Very often social issues make an experience so painful emotionally that a child cannot enjoy what she/he loves. I would pursue these questions before making a decision. It is likely that her friends know why she wants to quit. If you allow her to quit, they (and even the teacher) will "get it". I'm all for having kids "suck it up" and "stick w/it" but if the only reason your daughter is enduring this year in band is to please mom, I'm not sure it will encourage her love of music or her desire to get involved w/new activities. Help her understand the consequences of quitting and help her make a wise decision once you find out what is really going on in the band setting.
About me: I'm a mother of 2, grandmother of 3 and a high school teacher.

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Look inside yourself and assess why it's so important for your daughter to be in band. She is 12 and old enough to decide if she wants to play in the band. When my daughter was little, she decided that ballet wasn't for her. She was physically talented and my dear friend ran the ballet school. She just didn't enjoy herself. I kept pushing. My husband said I need to plumb my depths about this. I thought about it and realized that I wanted her to be in ballet because I didn't want to disappoint my friend. (I like to please people.) In the end, I decided that ballet was a decision that my daughter could make even though I'd paid her tuition for the year. This is probably may not your situation but I thought I throw in my two cents. Hope this helps.
J. L.

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Don't let her quit! If she feels she needs extra help, then she should get some extra lessons instead of quitting. Once the year is over, if she doesn't want to play again, then don't make her play......but never quit in the middle of something. That sends the completely wrong message to kids. If the going gets tough, we can always quit......not a good lesson.

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