When to Have First Sex Talk

I think 9 years old is too young to tell them what exactally sex is. But, I do think you should talk to her about puberty and the changes her body will go through. I remember my mom took me to a fancy hotel for 1 night and we did all kinds of girly stuff and then she got a book (I have no idea what it was called though) and that's how she explained the body changes I will go through.

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There are some great books out there by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley that are directed toward different age groups to offer age-appropriate information. They are cute, sort of like a comic book starring a bird and a bee. I read "It's Not the Stork" (for ages 4-7) with my first daughter before she was three, as we were waiting for her younger sister to join our family (through adoption) and I wanted her to know that not all babies just appear into families.

I found the information appropriate and the terms correct. There are pictures of anatomy and it does explain in a basic way how babies are made. The way the book is set up, you can skip certain parts if you are uncomfortable with them - but we read the book cover to cover and I really didn't find anything objectionable. I especially appreciated that it mentioned that families are formed in various ways, including adoption and grandparents or other relatives raising children.

There are also books for ages 7-10 and 10-14, but we are not there yet! I'll definitely be back for the other books as my girls get older! I'd recommend reading the book (whichever one you start with) cover to cover before you share it with her, and make a decision about whether to read it to/with her, or let her read it and come to you with questions.

Good luck!

M.

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Dear M., I don't have much experience with this yet since my daughter is only seventeen months old, but I know that one of the doctors in my pediatrician's office specializes in this and often teaches seminars and classes for girls on this topic. Look her up or give her a call, I am sure she will be more than happy to help you. She is really passionate about this. Her name is Dr. Chrystal DeFreitas, and she is with the Carmel Valley Pediatrics. Here is her website where you can find more info: http://www.healthychats.com/?Home

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A great book for discussing her period with her is Period. a girls guide. By Joann Loulan and Bonnie Worthen. You can get it on Amazon.com. It comes with a parent guide that you can read first before you go over the book with your daughter. I did that and then read the book with my daughter so she could ask questions as we went. We did not go through the whole book in one day but a over a short period of time. We did this a first step. Then we discussed the sex part just before they covered it in school. You can usually ask for a copy of what the school will be covering in the class beforehand. I would go slow and cover the period part 1st then maybe a year or so later discuss sex. This has worked well for me and my daughter was about the same age as your daughter when we started discussing the topic. I told her she could ask me any questions she needed to ask. And told her not to discuss this with her friends as they may not have had the talk yet. Hope this helps.

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We've always answered whatever questions come up or explained anything we think needs explaining after they see something on TV or such. Granted we never go into more details then they need or ask for at the time, information overload isn't a good thing. My boys are 8 & 5, my daughter is a little young as she's only about to turn 2 months old. We took in an abandoned mama cat and her 2 kittens almost a year ago now. This brought up tons of questions, especially when they got spayed/neutered. We already had 2 older cats who had long since been altered so that brought up questions. I then got pregnant in Sept finding out early Oct. That of course brought up TONS of questions. We bought a great DVD by National Geographic that shows the baby developing inside the womb via ultrasounds and computer images. It also talks about conception and shows the birth. We waited until closer to delivery to watch it, both boys were there when their sister was born.
When going into specifics of "how things work" we keep to simple explanations while using the scientific names for things. They've known about my periods for years and know I'm not hurt, it's extra blood my body doesn't need since there's no baby growing in my womb. We explained that sex is for grownups who love each other etc. We made sure to explain that it's all natural and nothing to be scared of. We also mention that sex is a private thing and not something you need to talk about in public.
You can usually tell if your child is doing OK with the conversation or if you're losing them. I would try to find opportunities to bring the subject up casually instead of sitting down "to have the talk" as that can be seen as intimidating and threatening. I would absolutely start the dialogue now.
I can't recommend any books, we've not gotten any yet. I had a great one when I was young but for the life of me I can't find it at my parents house and can't recall it's name.
Good luck! It's not that hard :)

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Now is the time to talk to her. Your conversation should be a combination of biological explanations are well as emotional components and your values. Some of her friends will be starting their periods soon, so she needs to know what is happening. Keep your conversation positive and upbeat, and let her know that this is a wonderful part of being a woman and loving relationships. You can keep the information simple, and follow her lead. She will ask the questions for which she is ready to hear the answers. Good Luck.

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Hi Mom,

Wow, my daughter is 11 and I haven't had the official talk. I am planning on taking her out for a mommy and daughter day to have our "talk." We have talked about what is appropriate and not in terms of touching, kissing ect.. So many kids get molested before intercourse even comes into the picture. She is aware of the basics.
When my daughter was 9 I purchased the book, The Care and Keeping of you, the body book for girls. It is written by Valorie Lee Schaefer under the American Girl brand.
You can purchase it at Target, Barnes and Nobles ect..Have her read the book and discuss it with her. I plan on being very scientfic about it. I also want to inform her of potential rumors such as, you can't get pregnant the first time, you can't catch a disease by oral sex ect.. I don't know the maturity level of your daughter so you would have to play it by ear. Good luck to you and make it a special time for you and your daughter to bond.

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Hey M.,
If your daughter looks as though she is physically starting to approach puberty, you may want to consider having the talk. A lot depends on your daughter's emotional maturity and whether or not she is able to handle that information. A really great book meant specifically for girls entering puberty is "The Care and Keeping of You" by the American Girls collection. I have seen it in Target and looked through it. It's excellent. It talks about everything a girl her age would be concerned about including body odor, shaving, etc. It is written tastefully and definitely on a kids level. This would be an excellent book for you two to go through together and would inspire some good conversation.

I highly recommend you have the talk NOW. She'll start hearing it from other places sooner rather than later and it's best if she starts out with accurate information from you. I love the American Girl published book "The Care and Keeping of You." My daughter and I read it together last year, when she was eight, and it gave us an opportunity to talk as we read. It's the right amount of information for this age. Good luck!

Hi M.,

Please please talk to your daughter, atleast about the changes that occur in her body as she grows. I was nine when I started my period. I had no clue what was going on with me because my mom had not yet explained anything to me. I was very scared. I will never forget crying in the bathroom and her announcement that I had become a woman. Bless her heart she did her best... but at the time it was not very comforting or helpful to me.

A little information can go a long way. Just the basics and if she has questions answer them as you see fit. If you are uncomfortable talking about sex just focus on girls and their changes and take your cues from her questions. If she is uncomfortable with the discussion stop and let her know you are there if she wants to talk about stuff. There are lots of books out there. You can preview in the library and choose what you like.

I know there is lots of talk about hormones influencing early growth in girls. I am sure there is some validity to the theory, however I am Proof that some girls do mature early just because Mother Nature so generously thought to bless them. I am one of those.

Good luck. I am sure you will do great. Your daughter is lucky that you are thinking ahead.

C.

Hi M.,

The two best books out there on the subject of sex and puberty are "Where did I come from" (sex and babies) and "What's happening to me" (puberty). My mom got these books for me and I devoured them. I, in turn, let my sons (11 and 14) read them.

If you don't want your daughter learning from her peers then you need to talk to her openly, honestly and answer all her questions no matter how bizarre they seem. As I told a friend recently, freak out in your bedroom closet when the house is asleep. Here's my story...

My oldest son came to me with sex questions when he was in upper elementary grades. I answered with a fairly straightforward, "scientific" answer first and addressed all questions. Once that was understood, I put a values discussion on top of it so my son would know what his father and I thought was the "right" thing. Over the years, both my sons have learned that they can ask me ANYTHING and I'll answer to the best of my ability, no matter what.

This scenario really tested me when my 15 year old was in 7th and 8th grade. Turns out, I was one of the few moms who would talk openly about the subject and his friends knew it. He would come home with everyone else's questions for me to answer and then he'd report back to his friends at school. I couldn't believe my ears when he told me that. Because my sons know they can ask anything the "word on the street" is taken with a grain of salt.

But, I have sons. Would a daughter be different? I was a daughter once (still am!) and my mom did the same thing with me as I do with my sons, so I guess it works for both genders. And, if I couldn't ask my mom, I could always ask my grandmothers. That was interesting...the "skip a generation" approach.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Hey M.,

That's about the age I had the talk with my daughter. We turned it into a girls night.....doing our hair, nails, etc. and stayed up late while all the boys had to go to bed (including daddy!).

Go the your local library. They should be able to show you books that you can use. Just pick one that you are comfortable with. Do let her know why you are having that talk......basically that it's important for her to know about it and that kids at school might start to talk about it. You want to make sure that she knows the right things because what many kids learn from watching tv or other kids isn't necessarily correct. Also reassure her that it might be a weird subject for her but she can ask you any questions anytime.

Just make the time as comfortable as possible, and make it a special time for both of you. Hope this helps.

Marie-anne

Hi M.

Great question. I have been wondering when to go further, too. I have read with my 7 y.o. the book "Isn't it AMAZING" which is all about conception and childbirth. It has a chapter about sex, which is not overly descriptive, but talks about sex. It touches very briefly on puberty and there is a follow up book in the same style about puberty and the changes that boys and girls go through. I recommend starting there if you can still sit down and "share a book" with your grade schooler. It can be a conversation starter, anyway. I also have another question - when do you start talking about drugs???

Good luck handling these delicate issues with your daughter

Wow. This is WAY too young to be talking about this. Seriously, whatever happened to letting kids be kids and keep their innocence?! I would wait at least until 12. Regardless, there are resources at parenting.com that will help you. Also, if you ask your child's primary care doctor, they should have some resources to help you explain the basics.

Your instincts are correct and 9 is about the age that questions need to get answers! I used a great book called "What's happening to ME" with my kids. It is written by the same great folks that did "Where Did I Come From" and explains puberty in a way that pre-teens can understand, without talking down to them. Your attitudes, body posture, voice and comfort level during this "talk" will transmit just as much as your words, so try to stay very conscious of your own attitudes! LL

My daughter is 10 now but was 9 when she did start asking questions. I just answered her questions with age appropriate information. As she gets older I add more information such as the actual names, but as of right now it's only when she asks about specific things. I also take advantage of the times when she sees things on tv or in movies to say things like "that's something only married people do" or "don't let anyone touch you like that until you're married". Just be open and honest and your daughter won't be afraid to come and ask you questions.

Hi M. - I was on vacation when I first read your post and made it a point to keep it in my inbox so that i would have a chance to respond upon my return. Well here I am. I can't emphasize enough that you need to get your hands on the Oprah show that featured Dr. Laura Berman specifically discussing this issue. I have two small boys and was able to gain some knowledge about how I will respond when the time comes. However, The whole show I was stunned at the information she provided. It was one of the MOST informative shows I have ever seen and gave me so much insight as to what girls really need to know. This show discussed so many areas not only about sex ( oh and by the way, "The Sex Talk" should not be a one-time talk. It should be a topic that is always open for discussion.) Two facts that Dr. Lara Berman mentioned that are extremely important: 1) For girls specifically - almost all parents fail to discuss the emotions that come with sexual behavior and 2) The comfort level a parnet has in discussing this issue with their children will determine how much a child will understand about this topic. As I stated before, if you can get your hands on the transcripts for this show you will be able to answer your own questions and feel good about how you will approach this matter with your daughter. Best of Luck to you!

I have a good friend who has a non-profit called Positively Waiting. She has spent the last 15 years or so speaking to kids in schools and in smaller group settings about sexual self control. Both she and her husband have very compelling stories about the personal impact on each of their lives from their decisions regarding sexual activity and the consequences of the STDs that they caught in the process. Karen's heart is for kids to know that they are worth waiting for and she has some great materials for parents too. Her website is www.positivelywaiting.org and it has a ton of information. If you want to email me at ____@____.com, I can try to get you a copy of a great book for parents about talking to your kids about sex.
And I know that Karen would have great things to tell you if you wanted to email her from her website. The topics button has a video response from a teen that has seen her presentation. You can also check with Karen directly about where she may be giving a presentation to parents, or about scheduling that presentation for you and a group that your are involved with (PTA? or whatever.) I have seen her parents presentation, and she has great information about how to talk to your child. My son is 5 and starting Kindergarden and I know that it is coming sooner than I think. Anyway, let me know if I can help you, or please check out Karen's site and contact her directly. All the best, A.

the "American Girl" series of books is great.
You can find it and read the reviews of it on www.amazon.com
Its for girls in this age bracket and explains bodily changes and all that "stuff" in approachable and age appropriate ways... and it is also Mom/daughter friendly so that they can talk about it together.

Its a great series of books.
I would recommend that.

All the best,
Susan

Hello M., I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and as you mentioned... Time flies; this is why I was interested in the responses you have been getting. You mentioned that you are having a hard time thinking about how to begin. I remember my mom started this conversation with me at he age of 9. She started telling me that I was growing up and that as I would grow I was going to start noticing men (boys) looking more at me and it was because my body was going to start changing, my breasts were going to grow etc (you get the idea). I recall her mentioning that I had to be more careful around men because as my body changed I was going to become a woman. The first step in becoming a woman was that I was going to bleed and not to be afraid of this etc etc. I thought it was a good way she started this conversation with me. I hope this helps you as how to start this very important conversation between a mother and her daughter. I have two of those talks to have LOL Good luck :-)

This will not be the only suggestion you will hear but I do believe that no one should tell you when is the time to talk to your child about sex. I'm going to school and one of research projects I had to find out about sex n teens. And alot of materials that I have read was stating that it is never to early to talk about sex and that teens are having sex younger than our days. Now a days, girls are having sex at the age of 12 yrs and they start to hear about sex younger than that. Besides our media industry puts it out there as well, so she has been somewhat expose to the notion of intimacy. So please don't back down from talking to her about it. I do suggest to go to amazon.com and there are books for girls reaching puberty and sex. Some books show how the body will change. There are some books that show what the male body will look like (the ones discussing sex). I feel first start out with the books about puberty b/c sooner or later sex will come into play. I think when you do talk to her about sex, get at least two different books about it. Some have more info than others. Always let her know how afraid you are b/c they will pick up on that, besides
doctor have said to build a good communication relationship with your child being honest with them is the best. You could be bringing up the same feelings she is having, then the ice is broken between the both of you. When my stepmom discuss it with me, she had a book (educational one) for me to read and look through. It had everything from child growth to adulthood, to having sex, childbearing and stds. As a teen I did like that b/c she left the door open for me to look it up and educate myself if I feel alittl uncomfortable. But most of the time we did it together. And if you don't know something let her know u don't know it but you both can find out together. By doing this, you are opening the door for her to come to you about issues like that. Take it slow giving her little by little info and having discussions on what you read over. Also let her know that she may hear things from her friends and if that is the case, that she can come to you and ask you if those things are true. Let her know that her friends don't know everything. That is what I tell my son. He is 10 and my daughter is 4. Being afraid is normal and sometimes getting books for issues like that, can help alot. Wish you luck!!

Mere,
It's not too early. Oprah had a show last season with a sex therapist who helped a mom tell her young daughter all about sex in a very factual manner. You might be able to look it up on her web site. Her name is Dr. Laura Berman. Here's a link:
http://www.oprah.com/search.jsp?query=dr.+laura+berman&am...
click on How to talk to your kids about sex.
Good Luck!