When to Have Another Baby? - Sacramento,CA

I'm not a huge fan the early stages of parenting (pregnancy, newborn infancy, etc.) so I was thinking I wanted to "get the child bearing over with, get on with child rearing." So my two kids are about 20 months apart, although it was a little closer than I had planned for, I wasn't sure I was ready yet. But I got ready, as did my son. We got him his own baby doll before she arrived, and there was a lot of emphasis put on his new role as big brother. I liked that he was so young, he was still so curious about the world and found his new baby sister fascinating. He was big enough to play on his own while I dealt with his sister, and small enough that we could be stuck home with a napping baby and wouldn't complain about missing out at the park or something. I like the kids this close, they are now in first grade and kindergarten. They are mostly best friends and play well together, although naturally some bickering occurs.
generally speaking, being the parent of 2 is not any different, you just get to know and build a relationship with two completely different people. More to learn, more to give, more to get, more to love. More patience needed! But with some advanced planning (ex: give big brother a basket of special toys for when you are nursing) I think the transition can be pretty smooth. The best thing is that parents tend to be more relaxed the second time, having been through it and it's not all so new and overwhelming, so you are more likely to enjoy it all more.

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HI H.,
I have 2 children; a five year old daughter and 4 year old son. We always knew we wanted to have more than one child, and because we waited to start having kids, we didn't really have time to ponder how long to wait between the two. I am really glad we had them close together. They are very close friends and love to play together. However...

The early years of having kids close together are really hard. Be prepared to be sleep deprived. While I totally think it's worth it to have them close together, I know that without being a strong person and without a supportive partner it can take it's toll. You have to be willing to give up some things to make it through and give what you need to the kids. For example if you are a person who likes to have an immaculate house and cook every night, you probably won't be able to do that. You'll have to realize that you just can't do it all. Later when they are a little older you get to go back to those things.

Here are the great parts though... when they are close together, they typically will nap for at least a year on the same schedule. This is a really nice break to be able to have. You don't feel like you're "starting over" because they are just naturally developing right after each other, and I think because they are so close in age you are able to more easily include them both in the same activities, so no one feels left out.

I also have a boy and a girl. I don't know if this matters, but it feels like they don't compete for the same things in the same ways. They like some of the same things, but not all and that little difference seems to lessen the conflicts. BUT I also think it really depends on the kids and how you and your husband parent to establish that relationship and dynamic.

I also run a home daycare and see lots of little ones who adjust to being older brothers and sisters, and I'd be happy to talk to you generally about examples of those situations and personalities.

I would say to take some time and think about what's best for you and your family. I have one daycare family who are terrific parents and they are stopping at one child. When I asked why, the mom said that they know their limits and that there are other things that they want to do which would be harder if they had more than one child. I think there's a lot of pressure to have more than one child, but I don't think that's always best for all families.

It's good to ask for other people's experience. At least you'll have some idea of what you might expect! Good luck!

yeah, my husband started to talk about having another baby pretty quick, too. the problem was, it was him, not me. sorry, but i think they're clueless as to everything we go through as a mom. i was like, "if you're ready for more responsibility, i got some @#$% for you to do right now! bored? got time on your hands? pick up your daughter from school!" like i said, clueless. so wait until YOU are ready. and of course you have to prepare the first child, some are more recetive than others but in the long run a sibling is a good thing in my opinion. just don't be pressured into it. your body and mind need a chance to rest. good luck!

I thought 2.5 years apart would be a good decision for me. My husband was on the fence, so we waiting until he agreed. I am pregnant and I have a 2 year old who will be 3 next month. If this baby is on time they will be 3y2m apart. Each family is different. I knew less then 2 years apart would be very overwelming for me. I do not have much family and there are not grandparents around to help. When my son turn about 2.5 he was able to follow more instructions. Now that he is almost 3, he is in preschool and is making friends. I see other mom's with children close in age (less than 2 years apart) playing together and it looks like such a joy.

get the first one potty trained before you get pregnant again if you don't want to be dealing with morning sickness and poopy pull-ups. OR get the hubby to change diapers!
;)
My mom had my brothers 22 months apart so she had 2 in diapers (cloth, gross!) for a long time and she was miserable! I was 5 so I remember clearly her crying on the bathroom floor after they both had diaper bombs that leaked at the same time. Perhaps that's why my son will be 5 by the time our 2nd is born. ;)
It's never an ideal time to have a baby - you could always finish up this or that project, save more money, organize your closets etc. etc. Just follow your heart and consider the personality of your 1st born - when can he handle a sibling?
I got a great book called "The Portable Pediatrician" it's our go-to book for everything and it spells out by age how major life-changes like moving, new baby, divorce etc. affect a child and really helped us decide to wait for baby #2.

Hi H.-

Mine are 3.7 years apart. A little farther than we'd planned, since the first conception was a piece of cake and the second took about 8 months of trying.

It was a wonderful age difference for us though because my second pregnancy was more difficult and my son was old enough to put a video in the machine (this was 12 years ago), open the frig and get a juice box and pop the straw in himself. When my daughter arrived, he was old enough to play by himself and didn't take naps, so we could have "mommy time" when his sister napped. My daughter (second baby) was also very colicky. I doubt I could have handled that with a toddler in the house. Having an almost 4 year old was much easier. He was well past the diaper stage and he'd been taking care of his own bathroom habits for over a year.

They're 3 years apart in school and thinking ahead to college, financially it should be easier.

My son told us he was having a baby sister. So many of his friends were getting brothers and sisters, so he just assumed he would as well. In fact he named her. We liked his choice and decided to use the name he picked. There weren't any tears or jealousy or "send the baby back" issues at our house. Our only complaint was "make the baby stop crying". Our response was to get him better headphones for his tape player -- he had audio books on cassette tape and could carry it around the house while he played.

The key though, is what's right for you and your family. I know people who have them just over a year apart and others who choose to wait until the oldest is in Kindergarten to fully focus on #2.

My best advice is not to overthink it. Start trying when you feel ready, and know that it could take longer (or happen very quickly!)
I remember being worried that I couldn't possibly love another baby as much as I loved my son, but the second my daughter was born that feeling went out the window.
My three kids are about three years apart and that worked really well for me because I never wanted two in diapers at the same time. But everyone is different...
As far as preparing your son, like I said, don't overthink it. I got my son a baby doll and stroller (not pink, it was hard to find!) and a story book about "the new baby." Sometimes I think parents stress their kids out more by making too big of a deal about the baby. Of course a new family member IS a big deal but it's also a natural progression and part of life. Relax and enjoy :)

I personally liked having my kids about 4 years apart. They still could play together, but had seperate lives also. I don't think I could have had 2 very close together, but that is something you have to know for yourself.

Good luck!

Hi H.!
I, personally, think this is the perfect time to start trying. You never know how long it will take to conceive the 2nd time around. Your baby boy will be over 2yrs. old when your 2nd will be born. We planned both pregnancies, but it's always a fun day when you find out you're pregnant.

I am the mother of two girls and wouldn't have it any other way. However, it was a challenge when they were small.
My second was colicky. So my first wasn't jealous, not for one second, for at least 4 or 5 years. Now they are constantly jealous. They are only 3 years apart which is good for play most the time but not always. I planned it this way because 2 college tuitions for longer than a year is going to be tough. However farther apart and I don't think they would be as close. My problem is they do so many activities together because they have the same interests. I try hard to seperate them. Sometimes it works and sometimes they are together.

Most of the girls friends who are only children seem to act like only children. I like kids who have a sibling. (yes, I know I have pissed off a lot of parents with one kids but sorry...) Kids with siblings seem to have less of an attitude and aren't so ego-centric. (just my opinion)

The first one often helps so much with the second but it always depends on personality. I know if I had my second one first, I would not have had two... she was a tough baby.

I say go for it.

I was definitely surprised with my second, but I wouldn't change it for the World. My older daughter was MUCH younger that your little one when I became pregnant again so when DD #2 came she was only a little over 1. There wasn't much to explain at that age. She was excited about the "baby" when she was still in my belly, but not so excited after she was born and was taking mommy's attention. She went through a period of biting "the baby," but got over it fairly quickly and now they are absolutely the BEST of friends and have been for a number of years.
I think the pregnancy itself will give natural opportunities to prepare your older child. As your belly grows, you can talk about the new baby coming and how your son will be a big brother. I am recently pregnant again (finally!!!) and have had conversations with my girls about what I will need from them as well as (and more importantly) that no matter what, they are still my babies, even at 12 and 13, and I will do my best to still be there for them as much as I can be. They will still get daily hugs and kisses and be able to talk to me about what's going on for them. They are both very excited :)
I have to say, after being an only child and having my 2 girls, I am a proponent of siblings and I think it is easier to have them closer together so they can relate to each other better. This is just my humble opinion, from my own experience... Good luck!

I always think 3 years apart is the best; when the 2nd baby is born, the older sibling is generally more independent. You hear of the terrible twos when they are big babies ready to explore the world and need all sorts of guidance; it would be best when they can have that time with you all to themselves!

When siblings are three years apart, they are still close and can talk to each other. When they are in high school, they still have 1 year of overlap...

They don't need the same thing at the same time, which is easier to parents and add diversity and interests to family life...

Hi We were surprised to be pregnant with our second son when our first was just 10 mo old so our boys are 19 mo apart and I was also very anxious and nervous about how to handle 2 "babies" I stressed bout naps times and sharing my time with kids and husband and friends, and finding time for my part time job- so all I can say is do not worry too much because it all works out- it is crazy at times and there are times when both kids sleep and you get to rest or read a book. My older son is great with his baby brother- not many jealousy issues- if anything he is overwhelming with his affection, and we have to ask him to give baby some personal space many times a day. I am glad my sons are close in age- they are going to be good friends, share a room and learn from each other- Our life is super busy and at times I feel overwhelmed but overall it is great- you just do it cuz you are a mama and a woman and you step up to the plate
enjoy making your new family member and being a mom of 2

I have two boys, 18 mths and 5 days apart :) My first son was planned and my second was a wonderful but scary surprise. I am an only child and had no idea what it meant to have two children in one household, plus my first wasn't even ONE YET!!
However, I would not change having a second child for the world. He has brought so much joy to my life, and watching the two of them play, fight and argue (this morning it was who's mom I was ha ha), love and care for each other is just amazing to me. I've even considered lately wanting a 3rd.
I gave my older son a doll to help prepare him for the new baby coming about 3 weeks before my 2nd child was born. We would put him in the baby seat, or next to it (didn't want him to associate the baby seat with his doll only) and would feed him, diaper him, put him to bed, etc. I also really tried to let him be a big brother when the new baby got here. I let him help me dress him, he got the diapers for me, cream, held the baby's hand while nursing, etc. Made him feel very involved. And I also made sure that everyday I did something special just him and I, read a book, ate lunch, had a treat, watched a show, etc. Oh and the best advice I ever read.....if I was in the middle of doing something with my older child and the baby started to cry. I didnt' automatically stop doing it to attend to the baby. I would try to finish with the older child and than go attend to the baby(as long as baby wasn't squeeling), this helped him know he was just as important as the baby was.

good luck!
K.
mother to two wonderful boys 3 and 1 1/2!! yikes!

Preparing the baby seems so natural to think about. I know I did- especially if you are together most of the time and close. Yet, in actuallity, the prep was a small piece in a huge change. I planned my 2nd and conceived as planned. My children are 4 1/3 yrs apart. I chose the time of yr b/c I knew I like Libras and I think it is a great time for bday parties and it is. I know these are funny reasons but it's true.
I miss the closeness w/ my daughter and that is the very hardest thing to lose. If you have your children close enough together they will never remember a time when they were w/o eachother. That is a special thing and I had that w/ my sister. A little further apart has meant that my daughter could be a little independent when my son demanded me as a babe and helpful. There are pros and cons to both. The main thing is finding that feeling of what feels right FOR YOU.
Best thing, do the infant potty training and it will make having the second so much easier and rewarding- fewer diapers to wash and no poopy butt to clean is REALLY NICE. My son was great w/ the elimination communication and after he figured out that I would help him go to the toilet to poo, he communicated to me non-verbally to hlep him. If you go this route, the 2nd is easy.
In any case, it's another transition and another person to integrate their needs into the family circle. It is an adjustment but hey, that goes w/ the territory and how else can you get some little person to love soooooooo much?

Our kids are 4 years apart. Definitely too far apart!!

Greetings H.: I am the very proud mother of 5 and have helped raise several foster children. I tell you this so you will see where my heart is.
I can say that #4 came as a surprise as we foster adopted her. Our first daughter, was a thrill after several years of hopes. #2 my husband started talking about having a baby and I thought? we'd wait as we were supposed to be moving-- You really can move across town or around the world with the military pregnant. haha- smile-- We got pregnant about 7 months earlier than I thought. I actually believed we might be done, as we were unable to get pregnant for 4 years no matter what we tried. Then after alot of prayer and personal life changes - like getting out of the military, moving across the world, and having a full time student as a husband.SURPRISE along comes #3 . We really started planning the next one during that pregnancy. We got our girl as a teen, and she was the easiest pregnancy by far(although not the easiest at times to raise)hahah. #5 child came at the time in my life that I could tell the other 4 that he reminded me of when they were all cute, small, and I had some control in their choices of friends and activities. Ofcourse their response was a general "OH MOM". I never wanted to know in advance if they were boys or girls. I just hoped that I'd get 2 of each. I am still waiting for my Rebecca Grace as that child became a Jonathan. Would I have done it differently? Not in a New York minuet! I have children that have adventurous spirits and always wanted to explore the other side of the mountain, and created the term ADD before anyone had heard of it. Was it easy to have several little ones? Honestly no some of the time but yes most of the time. Which is true of just about anything. Believe me if you have one then you can handle 2 and after that it is just organization and learning that the laundry won't run away, the dishes will still be there and paper plates aren't so bad after all, and that seeing the sunrise(literally) from the eyes of a child that has just woken you up is a very beautiful sight.
You learn to vacation differently, you learn to budget? I hate that term. You also learn what is important in life and what isn't. I had this crazy idea that our children needed seperate bedrooms. I came home and again the sweethearts that they are they had rearranged the bedrooms so that they had 3 of them in the same room because they liked being together. Go figure. I guess those days where parents had several children in a room wasn't such a bad thing.
What did we do to prepare the other children for a new baby? We talked about it often, gave it as a family discussion the child's name and parents got the final vote. We got several books that had pictures of babies, and I bought a life like baby doll that they could help me dress and change diapers. The childen, and I actually used this doll in a crib we set up to tell Daddy about #5. We tried to make the new baby as much apart of the children's lives as possible so it just became natural for them. Now that they are older and some have children of their own, they are friends, are likely to show up here at home unexpectedly and are not surprised to see others here, and get together for meals( without parents) on the spur of the moment, and enjoy doing things together. I also want to tell you that yes, they still fight like they once did so they aren't perfect but I wouldn't change a thing.
I will tell you that one of these children has learning disabilities,and hasn't had it easy. Yet the other siblings have circled around and helped so very much in this child's success. Feel free to contact me if you wish. I support you 100%. Enjoy the great adventure of parenthood. It is a ride like none other. For all my success in life ,I can truely say that parenthood is my greatest accomplishment.Nana G

I don't know if there is a 'perfect' age of separation. I have 5 kids, ages 12, 5, 4, & 21 month (twins). It is crazy in our house some days. I prefer them closer together to be honest, but the 12 year old helps out a lot and loves her little sisters. When the twins were born, I had 4 children under age 4, it was overwhelming at first, but now, it's great. Having 3 in diapers was difficult, but we got through it and now the twins will hopefully potty train in the next year. My brother and I were 3 years apart and fought like crazy. If you wait until your child is potty trained then you feel bad 'starting over' with diapers again. Just go for it, it will all work out. But as for opinions, I think closer together is better.

Good luck to you & your family.

D.

Being a parent of 2 is a huge change. My girls are 2 years apart and the 1st few months were VERY rough. My 2 year old loved her little sister, but it took her a few months to adjust to not getting all the attention. We tried to have family and friends give her attention 1st and my mother would bring her clothes and toys all the time to make her feel special. It is a lot of work, but I wouldn't change anything- I realized that having 1 kid was so much easier in comparison though.