When to Call It Quits?

S. i dont know what the other ladies have said but, i would say get rid of him. he has no reason to not cheat on you as you are not married and so he can play the field. also please dont get married. he sounds like he is fooling around all the time.

Enjoy having a no-cost babysitter while you can, cause the way he is behaving, soon he will find a woman he likes better, and possibly gets her pregnant.

You should realize that you have no claim on him, he is not married to you.

I hate to do this, but I am going to be blunt and honest since you asked. You said this man cheated on you at least twice in the past 2 years, yet you still had that second child with him. What are you thinking? Why would you choose this man to be the father of your children? You didn't say how long total you have been together, but I would guess it probably wasn't long before you got pregnant the first time.

This guy's got it made! He's got a place to stay in trade for baby-sitting his own children. And that's what he's doing. You said you have to get your sleep because you have to get up for work. But the only thing you see wrong with him texting other women at all hours of the night is that he's texting other women! What about him needing to also be alert and attentive to be capable of caring for the children the next day?!

With all my "fussing" finished, you now have some hard decisions to make since there are now innocent children involved due to the poor choices you've made. You can either stay and put up with a cheating, lying, unemployed man who simply does the bare minimum in caring for your children, OR you can move out, preferably with the children, and work out shared responsibilities (aka visitation/shared custody) of them. You need a lawyer!! Either way, allowing your children to grow up seeing their dad cheat with other women, be it emotional, physical, or both, and their mom unhappy, is no example for them.

Please next time think twice before 1) having sex and 2) having sex and getting pregnant and 3) having sex and getting pregnant without the bond of marriage. Not that married spouses don't cheat, but the stakes are much higher and at least you have the security at the start of knowing he loved you enough to want to marry you! If a man cheats on you when you're not even married, he will definitely cheat if he does marry you.

I will probably be slammed for my "old fashioned" opinions, but these are the values my parents taught me and they're the values I will teach my sons and daughter. I am telling it to you this way so you will never do a repeat!

--A. - SAH,Homeschooling mom of 3, ages 8, 10 & 14 & wife to DH for 20 years (next month).

you've gotten a lot of "leave him" advice, and I agree, but what you haven't gotten much of is the "get a lawyer" advice. before you do anything, anything at all, meet with a reputable divorce attorney in your area. I know you're not married, but you're going to have significant custody and support issues to work through and you need to get your ducks in a row before he knows what you have planned. it's true that, eventually, you're going to want to take quick and decisive action along the lines of closing him out of the bank account(s), moving his stuff out of the house and changing the locks, but you need to make sure that you don't do it in a way that jeopardizes your rights and/or your standing from a legal perspective. you need to be able, legally, to justify your actions. so please please please before you talk to him or take any action, see a lawyer. otherwise this could get really ugly, and it's true that he could end up with custody of the kids and you paying child support and/or palimony (that's essentially alimony between never-married parties). you don't want that, and if you play this right, that doesn't have to happen. be sure to research and talk with your lawyer about "voluntary impoverishment" (which is what he's doing; he will argue he needs support b/c he doesn't have a job and you need to make sure that you have the standing to counter that he's choosing not to work and therefore it's not your responsibility to support him). I can't say it enough: please get a lawyer.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It will get better.

LEAVE HIM!
Or better yet, kick him out. Stop making excuses -- he very clearly has no respect for you! Each time you 'take him back' after the cheating episodes, he will have even less respect than before. Where is that going to leave you? With no self-esteem, trying even harder to please someone who couldn't care less.
If that doesn't make you leave, think about the effect this is having on your children. They will either hate their father for being such a slime or they will begin to show you the same disrespect as he does. Worse, they will grow up to think that it's ok to (a) cheat and/or (b) allow a cheater to stay in a relationship if they just keep pretending everything is ok...this is what you're teaching them.
Things will be rocky at first, especially because of the children, but there isn't a judge out there who would grant custody to an irresponsible, jobless, cheating man. Keep that in mind as you gather up what's left of your self-esteem, pick up the phone, & call a lawyer.
Do that NOW so you can get on with your life & find that respectful someone who deserves you!

Hi S.,

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. Especially since you have 2 little ones involved. Is he a good father? Does he adore his kids and loves spending time with them? If so, I find that in my case I'd be willing to let some things slide. Of course, he should not be abusing your efforts to support the home like that but it's also important for your kids to feel safe and secure at home.

Have you guys tried marriage counseling? I tried to get my husband to go and then chickened out, but if you guys can agree I've heard it helps a lot. Or maybe you could scare him a bit saying that you'd like him to find a job cause you'd like to be a stay at home mom now. Of course, if you love your job that's completely your choice but giving him an ultimatum may push him to think that he might actually have to start pulling some weight.

If all else fails, how about the carrot and stick approach? Have you told him lately how much you appreciate having him stay home to look after the kids? (hopefully he does housework too).

If nothing works, then you're better off on your own. Though I hate to encourage it, for your kids, there's no reason to be with someone and give it your all when the other's not that interested. Good luck, I know how hard it is cause I thought about leaving my husband (for different reasons) for the last 2 years and am still with him. We have our ups and downs and now that we have a 7 month old baby, I find myself forgiving him for a lot of things when I see how happy my baby is when daddy plays with him.

run, do not walk away from this "man" he is using you to support him, you are a sugar mamma. he is disrespecting you by cheating on you and insulting you by trying to turn it around on you. you know he needs to go, be strong and get rid of him. you and your kids deserve better. letting him live in your house while you support him sets a bad example for your children. this is the "healthy" model of a realtionship you are supporting by letting him stay. you do not want your children growing up thinking this behavior is ok. also why your letting this loser live in your life you are missing out on the good men that know what it means to be a man, get away. YOU deserve better, YOUR kids deserve better. The "man" needs to go back and live with his mommy and learn to be a man.

S.,
I have read so many letters from girls in your shoes. My question to you (and them) is this...what makes you think you deserve to be treated like that? You know what a good relationship is, right? Do you have one? You know how a man is supposed to treat a woman, right? Are you treated this way? It's quite obvious that this "man" is using you as a door mat. It should be very clear cut to you. It is to anyone who has a healthy relationship looking at your situation! If you think you're staying in this relationship for your children, then maybe you should look at what it is you're teaching them. THIS is how a woman is to be treated!?
Your man sees nothing wrong with what he's doing to you! This isn't rocket science girl. It's time to put out the TRASH and get on with your life. You're hard working and a good mother to your children. They live by your example. Teach them right from wrong.
Best of luck to you. You can do it!

I would've been gone already. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice shame on me. Sounds like he's going for at least time number three or four. He already understands your expectations in your relationship and continues to disrespect you by the company he keeps and the priority he gives your personal relationship, re: texting and computer time. Also, if he is trying to blame you for his lack of self control in the past with his cheating, he's not going to take responsibility for not cheating on in the future, or more likely present. Make sure you are financially independent from him and tell him to leave. I know you feel you aren't holding up your end of the relationship because you're working outside the home and trying to still give the children the mothering they deserve. I know that it's hard to still have something left to give to the father of your children at the end of the day. However, it doesn't sound like he's being very supportive or present for you either and he stays at home and has no excuse for being this way. As a stay at home parent, I know how precious it is to connect with other adults during the day, but I'm not actively seeking out people that my husband would be uncomfortable with me chatting with and telling him to suck it up either. Get yourself financially free of him, make a plan to handle the children with regards to childcare, and tell him to leave or leave with the children if you need to. Stand up for yourself and your children. Staying in this relationship the way that it is shows them that this sort of behavior is acceptable and they will grow up and get into the same sort of relationships, and that sounds like that is not what you want for your children.

If there were no children involved, then the answer is clear cut, albeit difficult, and it would be OVER. With children involved, the answers may be the same, but everything else is so much harder. Here is a question for you - are these the lessons you want your children to learn? Do you want to show then what a healthy relationship is, or that it is ok to cheat and lie and show you such disrespect. Personally it would be over if I were in your shoes. If that is the decision you make, I would consult with an attorney before you make a move so you know exactly what his rights are, your rights are, and how hard this may be. You want to be as prepared as possible on the outside, since this will be a very emotional ride.

He needs to understand that he is not another child in this family, and that he should be the other responsible adult. If he cannot understand this, why should you be his mommy? If he is having other relationships, and "playing" with his phone all night long while you sleep, and not taking into consideration how hurtful or damaging his behavior is being...he is treating you more like a mother than a girlfriend. Try to have a talk to him, letting him know all you are feeling...and that you are considering this step of kicking him out. His reaction to it will probably give you all the answer you need.
K.

S., I think you already know the answer, by the words that you chose. You just need someone to tell you it's okay to kick him out / or leave him. It's time to call it quits! You are not married, so that makes it easier. If this man takes no responsibility for his actions and has two children, he is not going to change. He is getting a free ride. You do all the work, you bring home the money, he hasn't married you and he is messing around with other women and yet he still comes to your bed. If he is caring for the children, but up all night texting when does he sleep? Are your children well cared for by him and well behaved. Does he love them more than he does himself? What is he bringing to the relationship, other than children? Do you fight often? Does he encourage you to be the best you can be or does he make you feel inadequate and unsure of yourself? Staying with someone because they are the other parent doesn't mean it is healthy for you or your children. Children need to be cared for in a loving, nurturing enviroment and sometimes that means in a single family home. I know it won't be easy, but there is someone better out there for you. Someone who will cherish you and appreciate your strength and ability to care for your family. That someone will want to share in those responsibilities of work, home and children. He will want only you. He will be as responsibile as you sound. Don't settle for less. You deserve better and so do your children. God has something better for you! Turn to God and his word. God bless you and your children.

S., stop even thinking about his unfaithfulness to you as your fault. In NO way is it your fault, okay? Those were poor choices that HE made himself.

You are absolutely right to hold him accountable for ALL of his actions. He made the choice to be unfaithful and there are always consequences that he must live with or leave.

I have to be honest with you, from the sound of your post, the two of you are not married. So in his mind and heart of hearts, he doesn't have to be faithful to you. He has not made that lifetime promise of faithfulness to you yet. Now for us ladies, we want him to see that the commitment is in having children together but that simply is not true.

You are working so hard and it is obvious that you must love him or you wouldn't have forgiven him twice. I feel that you want this relationship to work, thus keeping your family together. Seek CHRISTIAN counseling together. The reason I stress Christian, they will help you both work this out together. They focus more on helping you both find the root of the problem so that it can be fixed for good instead of calling it quits from the beginning.

I want you to know that God loves you, just incase you didn't know that. He made you and he even knows how many hairs are on your head. That's pretty cool, huh? He only wants what's best for you at all times. He will help you through this. Pray about this situation and ask God what he wants you to do. What I have found, is that when I do what He wants me to do, there is a peace I feel that's awesome. I will be praying for you too.

My sister went through something very similar. She also has 2 kids. Her and her husband were not married back then. And needless to say it wasn't working for them. They found a small church in TX and the young Pastor walked them through God's word together. They were eventually SAVED and then married. Remember I said there are consequences for our actions so it hasn't been 'perfect' or anything for them. But I will tell you this, they are rocking in that church and helping others who are or have gone through this type of situation. My brother-in-law leads Praise and Worship now and my sister works in the church and at home, takes care of their kids. It's incredible what God can do!

Please let me know how you're doing. If you need to vent or talk, feel free to email me anytime.

Take Care,
N. :) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 12, 7 & 2yrs old and married to a sweet, loving man, hard-working man for almost 15yrs. I love to help moms, who want to become SAHMs, reach that goal! If you or someone you know wants to become a stay at home mom, please let me know so I can help. Thanks!

Good Evening,
My dear re-read what you have wrote...You already know what to do. 1st he is a grown man and you are a grown woman and regardless if he is going to cheat then he is going to cheat and that is it. Period! Step back and look what emotional roller coaster you are riding on. This does affect your children. Children are attenative to what is going on with mom and dad. You have made life easy for him. You work full time, care for children and clean house in some fashion I'm sure. You are doing everything right. Whom is paying the phone bill for him to be texting his friends at all hours?? And how old is he? And I ask you why are you doing all of this for him? And you stated not enough time for him --hello you have children-- they are NUMBER UNO! Is he being MR. MOM?--Does he have dinner done when you get home, homework complete, couple loads of laundry done and put away for you--because you damn sure would have this done if you were at home wouldn't you? STOP LETTING HIM CRUMBLES YOUR COOKIES OUT OF THE COOKIE JAR!!!_-- he is emotionally and mental playing with you and flipping the script as if it is your fault isn't it one fashion or another-- let me guess he is always correct....and know you second guess yourself and say well maybe I have over reacted and made a mole hill into a mountain- or the simple fact your exhausted emotionally and don't feel like giving a dictorial to get your point across-WELL YOU DIDN'T.. In his mind it appears he thinks he can do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it...you have gave him stipulations-- is there an action to this stipulation or was it just lip service to him because you were ticked off? If you have just blown smoke out your tail then he knows this and it means absolutely nothing..Falling on deaf ears. You have children so I hope you follow thru with what you say or it will be hell for you with kids not to mention in everyday life...You are a mother of precious children you must be the grizzly whom protects her cubs. You need to soul search for the strength to do what you need to do. AS I stated in the beginning YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS.... Blessings to you and yours..Remember what ever happens he is the father of your children and you will need to be civil always because the children are half him and half you. Stay away from negative speaking on either party when children are around and the problems that the two of you are having children need not to know about. Stay low key -- it is adult problems not children problems. They can already I am sure feel the tension and are trying to figure what is going on. They are adult problems and that is all they ever need to know. Take care of yourself and your children. Blessings to you and yours....M.

now is the time- before your kids grow to accept that this is a way to be treated or to treat your partner. It's wrong on so many levels and down deep I'm sure you know that. Do it now before they are older- it will be so much harder on them then and much more damage will be done in the process. My freind had a 14 yo and an 5 yo- same senario and in the thro's of divorce now- the kids are a mess. Do it when they are young enough to not really grasp the adult issues as deep as an older child would. You can do it and do it now.

S.

I think you can ask him to leave. If he does not then you should. Love God, yourself and your children first and He will work out the rest.

I have never been in your shoes so my advice may not carry much weight, but I agree that you have certainly given him enough chances. Your children will eventually catch on to his behavior. If you tolerate it they will learn to do the same and carry that into their relationships as they grow older. Parents are their children's largest influence. Through this man's actions, it seems to me that he is basically telling them it is OK to treat someone like he treats you. On the other hand, the children could also see that it is OK to be treated as you are and I am sure you would never want that for them. So while you want to save your children from any heartache and allow this man who is so important to them to remain in the home, you should also think about the long-term effects on them - and on you. Good luck!

well one thing you could do is just not be boyfriend girlfriend anymore and just live in the same house for the kids. have seperate bedrooms and everything. or i'd make him leave but then you will neeed to pay a sitter. or you and the kids could leave but then you would need to find a sitter and a place to live and itts not like he can afford the place with not working. but yeah i'd definetly nt be "together" with him sense he doesnt want to be with just you and all. that way he can be with all the girls he wants when hes not watching the kids.

You have two kids, but completely lack mutual respect.

I don't know whether calling it quits would be my first position as you have 2 kids. I think a serious commitment to family counseling if you want to sort this out is the only way. However, that is really about being able to look yourself in the mirror and say you gave keeping your children's family together the best shot you had.

Oh and he needs to get a job. He clearly has way too much time on his hands.

Seems like you already know what you want to do and what you need to do. You've been living together for two years. Sounds like he's really living with you and seems to think being a SAHD is contribution enough to this relationship. Why put up with married drama when you're not married? Honestly, it's a drain emotionally, spiritually and financially to be with a man who won't commit fully to the family. But, I have seen people turn around and mature in time, so I've learned not to judge the decisions folks make. Personally, other people involved in the relationship should be a deal-breaker. But make the decision that you're going to stick with and be honest about what you really want. Do you really want your boyfriend or do you want someone who is going to commit fully to you? You can put your boyfriend out now, but what good is that if he manages to sweet-talk you later and you both end up back together only to go through this again and again? The next challenge is that you will always be connected to him through your children. Will he leave you and them and no longer be involved in their lives? Are you ready to accept that he might abandon his children? It's very easy for us in the cyberaudience to cheer you on and tell you leave and/or kick him out, but make sure you've counted the cost all the way around. No one else has to deal with the consequences of children asking daily where is Dad, who is Dad, and why did he leave? And children (and adults) are quickly confused if Dad's there one minute, gone for a while, then back again. He sounds like he's not ready to grow up and accept the responsibility of a committed relationship, let alone being a father. Would he be responsible enough to maintain a healthy parent-child relationship that included respecting you as the mother of his children? Doubtful. If he's texting and checking the Internet regularly, he can't be too responsible or involved even as a SAHD. Most folks who care for their children know that there's very little time to entertain anyone extra if you're tending to what you already have. Again, are you ready to accept any of those or other unforeseen consequences? If you end things, just make sure you are serious and not trying to fool yourself, him and your children. Finally, find out your rights (and his) before asking him to leave. Personally, I don't know if you need to give him a certain amount of notice, if you'd be entitled to child support if he's unemployed, if he's entitled to anything if his name is also on the lease, anything dealing with bills in his name, anything he might have purchased and you used, etc. You might be surprised to find out what the law might have to say about your relationship, beyond being parents, and you don't want to find out later that he has claim to something that can cost you in the long-term.

S.,

My heart aches for you and your kids. This is a tough situation to be in, but you are strong enough and smart enough to do what is right for you and your kids.

One thing jumped out at me in your e-mail -- you said you knew you didn't have enough time to provide what he needs because you are so busy -- and I sensed you felt guilty about that and were possibly blaming yourself for his straying and/or not helping you out/supporting you.

No one can make another person stray/cheat/not be supportive, and I really hope you free yourself of this guilt because it sounds like you are a caring, wonderful mother and person, doing the best you can with a very demanding lifestyle.

Also, I wonder why you didn't say anything about him not providing you with what you need? A good relationship means both people give/support the other and both people get what they need. It doesn't sound like you are getting anything that you need from him, which makes me think it wouldn't be worthwhile to stay.

If you do leave/tell him to leave, make sure you get legal/financial support and advice so that he is required to help pay for his kids. Make your plans, arrange child care, etc, before you show him the door. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids.

Good luck. You are strong enough and smart enough to do what is best for you and your family and you deserve someone who will love and care for you as much as you love and care for your family. L.

S., to me, the time to call it quits is now. People usually don't change because of a calendar shift, if he was going to turn over a new leaf he would be working towards that. But you should consider looking into your property rights and child custody rights before you make the move. Get the advice of an attorney, because you don't have the protection of marriage. In MD, his unfaithfulness requires proof, and it can not effect the custody decision, you can't even bring it up. The custody fight will focus on who is the better parent, so him being a stay at home dad may actually work in his favor. Talk to an attorney, and try to find out how good of a dad he is when you are away.

If you have a joint bank account, stop putting your paycheck into it and open an account in your name only. Continue to pay bills as long as you stay, but make sure that he doesn't have access to your money after you leave. If you can descretely remove some of the money from the joint account without raising concern, then do that. But try to keep as much of your money as you can, you will need it for legal fees if he decides to try to get full custody of the children. And it will also give him less money to spend on legal help for him.

S.,

Sounds like you've gotten plenty of responses telling you to kick him out. I tend to agree. Before sending him away, I'd consider planning a time when someone else can keep the kids and you two can have the house to yourselves for a little while. Have a serious heart to heart with him and find out what he thinks. Does he feel like a housewife who is underappreciated (not saying he is, just is that his take on it). Does he just think this is how it is when you stay at home? Try VERY hard (I know it may be impossible, but try) to remain fairly calm and listen to his responses. Try to understand them instead of judge them. Try to figure out what he really thinks instead of what you think.

Once you've done that, explain to him what you need and what you expect. Is he the SAHD? If so, what tasks does he feel like he should be accomplishing? If the roles were reversed, you'd be expected to do the laundry, take care of the kids, fix the meals, clean the house, coordinate playgroups where you are involved (not just drop them off), play enriching games with your children (colors, numbers, etc). Does he understand the importance of his role?

Next, find out what he does during the day. Do the kids watch tv all day long while he plays? Do people come to the house? How does he know all the women if he doesn't spend time during the day with them? Are your children exposed to his indecent actions? Kids are smart, they may not understand fully, but they know when something is wrong.

Before you kick him out, consider all the information you learn. If he goes, who will keep the kids during the day? Can you afford daycare? I think children are the most important thing in the world. I think people don't give them near enough credit for being aware of their surroundings and learning good and bad behaviour at a very early age. My 3 year old is very smart. I spend time teaching her right and wrong, how to be independant when going to the potty, not to tattle tale but when it is important to tell, how to play nicely, how to clean up, how to stick to a routine, how to be responsible for your own actions and your own belongings. She is so incredibly smart and I know she picks up on so much more than what I try to teach her. It is important that we teach by example and it sounds like your children may be surrounded by a very bad example most of the time. That is frightening.

I hope that you are able to come to a good decision that is the best answer for you and your children. Consider what they are loosing and what they may be gaining. There are many sides to this and if the father chooses to be distant then that is probably a good thing. That's what is in his heart.

Good luck to you.
Liz

p.s. Just stepped away for 30 min and thought about my response and noticed one very important thing was omitted. My reasoning for having this non-emotional adult converstation with him about his expectations/needs and yours wasn't so much for you to work things out... (nice if it did, but I think he's destroyed your trust so that's not possible) but to help you feel comfortable and confident in your decision. You sound like you have it all together, but I am sure there are some fears and questions in your mind... otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question. You would have left a while ago. I think you need to feel confident in your decision and be able to reason on your own that you have made the right decision. Sure, he'll lay the blame on you and try to get you to accept the responsibility. That's not the point, find out what he feels he needs and what his responsibilities are and what he says in response to what you feel they are. Then you can really feel free making the decision.

S., you need to get rid of him and fast. Do you rent or own where you live? If you rent, is he on the lease? If not, he goes. If you're both on and he refuses to go, you might just have to suck it up and get your own place. Make a fresh start for you and your kids. If you do split, you might want to look into some legal advice on how to handle the kids. You're not married, but he is the father and therefore will have legal right where they are concerned. I'm not saying do anything to deny him seeing the kids, unless he is abusing them in some way, but just have a legal document detailing how it's going to be where the kids are involved. If he's that much of a schmuck to cheat on you and mooch like he does, he's that much of a schmuck to later turn around and try and sue you for full custody or make claims that YOU are an unfit parent. Just like it's your fault he cheats, right? Protect yourself and your kids and move on.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

S.,
I'm sorry I dont have time to read everyone elses responses, but I just wanted to tell you my feelings. I went thru a similar situation. We didnt live together, although he spent a large amount of time at my house, and we didnt have any children together but for whatever reason, I stayed... and stayed... and stayed... and kept putting up with it. Why? I guess maybe my self esteem issues, his charm, who knows. Anyway, I was miserable but I stayed. And then I got pregnant. I was 36, always wanted to be a mom, was in a good place in my life for it to happen and was thrilled about the baby, even if the relationship was not getting any better. Getting pregnant gave me a new sense of power and self confidence. I knew that if I wanted to put up with his bs, shame on me, but now there was going to be a baby and she needed to be raised in a place of respect and love, not lying and cheating. So I gave him chances to prove he had changed. He couldnt prove it to me, or just wasnt willing to. So he was absent thru my pregnancy, absent at her birth, and she is now 7 mos old and he has seen her maybe 7 times. I welcome him to see her any time he wants, but he is still choosing his lifestyle (women, lying, etc) over seeing his daughter. His loss. It was SO TOUGH at first to think about him being out there womanizing while I was raising our daughter alone and working full-time. The first few mos were tough--emotionally, physically, etc. But then we got into a routine. I am sooooooooo in love with that little girl. And I would much rather do what I need to to raise her in a happy home, then a home where I am on edge all the time, worried about the cell phone secrets, computer dating, and wondering where he is when he's not there. It just wasnt the atmosphere I wanted my daughter to know. Now we are doing wonderful. I dont even think about him much anymore. I focus my time and energy on her and our life together. If and when he wants to see her, thats fine. But I am letting him be the one to initiate it. I am done begging him to be a dad. Anyway, I know our situations arent exactly the same, but I just wanted to share a little bit of my journey. Feel free to email me if you need to chat.

M.

S.,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It's tuff when you put trust into someone and they let you down. Especially when they lie. I know it's got to be very hard. VERY HARD! I think he needs to go though. He is being childish and irresponsible. He is being aloud to stay home and not work. How can you have time for him. I don't know how much he helps out at home but there would be more time for you two, if he helped. With the kids, errand running, and helping with the children. When you come home, he should have dinner waiting so yall can eat as a family, spend family time together, then once the kids go to bed, it's yalls time. However, don't let that be his excuse. I don't know what type of phone service you have but I have Verizon and I can get on line and see who me or my husband is talking to or texting. It may be a day or so behind but you can still keep track. Cancle your internet service. Or put a tracker on it. This way you can see what is writing and also what web sites he visits. You can also go to a radio shack and buy this voice recorder device that you can leave hidden somewhere he will be most of the time during the day. By the computer or living room. It's small and will only recorde when he talks. You can be sure if he is being unfaithful or not. Not to mention it will provide you with proof. I am not sure if you two are married but no matter what....... you are a STRONG women and deserve better. If he is cheating, throw him out. He is not thinking of you or his children. If he prooves himself and goes to couple therapy, then you can think about letting him back in. He has broken your trust and that is not easy to get back. Ask yourself, do you want to worry everyday: is someone coming into my home to be with my husband, is he talking to other women (not ok), does he go out to meet other women, etc...... Then ask yourself, where are my children when this is going on?..... It's time S.. He is not treating you right at all! If he is texting or on the computer and gets mad when you come in.... he is probably doing something he shouldn't and doesn't want you to find out. Is his myspace private, meaning can you go on line, become a member(free) and view his myspace? See what he writes other women? You just click on another womens picture (his friend) and go to their page and see what he has written. He can still write her privatly but it would give you an idea. Bottom line, if you're having to do all of this, something isn't right and it's unhealthy for you.I had a friend who was cheated on. I see what it did to her and everyone close to her. It's not fair. She did all of the things I have suggested to you and she discovered what she knew was true all along, he was cheating. Your husband has even more of an oppurtunity to do it since he is home and luckely doesn't have to work. The more you allow hime to continue, the more he realizes your not going to do anything about it. He isn't scared. I think you know what to do. Good luck to you and I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless. ~K.
Ps. Please keep me posted and write back if you can.
Pss: Him blaming you or him getting mad at you only makes him feel better about his guilt for cheating. Let him go. Youre better than this!!!!!! Don't stay b/c of the kids. That;s the worse mistake you can do. It will be the best for your kids. Who knows what's going on in front of them when you are not there. I am a child from divorced parents and I know what happend between my parents. (very much the came) I am thankful my mom was strong enough to know we both dererved better! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!

I say it is time to call it quits NOW. Especially with children. Your children are small and won't completely understand what is happening. The longer you put it off, the worse it will get. If I were in your position, I would pack his bags, put them on the curb and change the locks. Stand strong. You don't need someone living with you who doesn't respect you and all that you do. If anything, he should be bending over backwards for you as you are the one who goes out everyday to work to provide for the family!!

Yesterday is when you should have called it quits.

Call it quits and fast. Your kids are small, they will get over the 'divorce' easily, and this way they won't learn the disrespect this man shows you.

They won't loose their dad, if he is man enough to take responsibility over his children when they don't live together.

How good care does he really give to your children, if he is so busy with his extra activities? I remember when I had little ones, I did not have time for much else.

Save yourself from the heart ache. You deserve a lot better!

As hard as this is to say, or to hear, GO NOW.( Or tell him to go now) He will not change. He doesn't want to change. Been there, done that. As long as he is home all day, he can do whatever he wants. The internet and cell phones have become the cheaters best friends, You have given him plenty of chances.He is doing the cheaters classic bit-blaming you-don't believe him !!! Get out before you are really sorry, you and your children deserve better than this guy will ever give you. Good Luck, I'll add you to my prayers.

Call it quits now! I could say so much more but since I don't know the whole situation, I will hold back.....all I can say is that during every bit of reading your email...all I kept thinking was that he needed to go.

splitting up when there are kids is SO hard.
i wish i could see any reasonable hope for this, but i sure don't. i think you cut your losses and show him the door.
i'm so sorry.
khairete
S.

Re-read what you wrote. I think you know the answer. If a friend or sister told you everything that you just wrote about their relationship, what advise would you give them? Shame on him, the first time he cheated on you, shame on you for the second time. It is easier said than done, but you need to let this guy go. He is just about worthless to you. If he is a good dad, than he can have visitation rights, but you can definitely find better! Of course he is staying because he has someone that is supporting him financially. He is showing you zero respect and I can guarantee your kids feel the tension and know what is going on on some level.

Tell him "Goodbye" sooner rather than later...

Giving him more chances is not going to make a difference. Unless you feel like you want to stick it out with the way things are because of the kids, your only choices it seems to me are to call it off, or tell him that things are going to have to change, and go to counseling together to see if you can find a way to create a respectful, committed relationship.

Get out now. It won't get better, he has shown you who he really is. Check out a recent issue of MORE magazine. There was an article about when it is time to throw in the towel. Good luck.
Also, by staying together, what you are teaching your two beautiful children is that his behavior is okay. It isn't. There are a lot a fabulous guys out there with jobs already who would love you just the way you are. Go for it.

Cut this man loose. You will never be able to trust him and he is not invested enough in the relationship to care about your feelings. I ended my marriage of 16 years over this same issue and realized in the process that relationships only work if both are willing parties. The bottem line for me was that this was not the model of marriage I wanted to present to my children as that is what they will look for, for themselves, in the future. You deserve better and so do your kids. You could try some counciling first but it sounds unlikely that he will change and you will always have that nagging doubt. He needs you alot more than you need him.

Yes you should leave him. He is not setting a good example for your children, nor is doing anything for your self esteem. It is not your right to change someone else. If this is how he wants to live his life then fine. But he can't have you if he wants to play around also. It sounds like he is enjoying his free sugar mama and exploiting the opportunity to stay with your children. How is he taking care of your kids and sleeping around? I know I stay at home and would not have time for an affair let alone 4 or 5!

It sounds like he is not commited and it sound as you are not totaly there so I say two halves do not make an entire relationship. If its not working stop NOW. Not after your kids are there to witness a horrible breakup.

I'd get an attorney & follow their advice. A man as you described will try to get you to pay him child support & alimony. Unfortunately, our "justice" system rewards their laziness. Now, in most states, the men get 1/2 the rights to the kids, instead of the olden days, where it was a given they went to mom.
If you can catch him cheating & prove it, that should help.
As far you emotionally-an unhappy relationship is the worst! Trust me, I spent 10 miserable years w/a lazy, abusive jerk who has nothing going for him. Eventually I thought there was nothing better out there & my self-esteem was crushed. I stayed for my son.
Finally, I couldnt take it anymore & ended it. It's been hard, but I was lucky enough to find my true love shortly after. Now I look back & can't believe I graced that jerk's presence! I'm also showing my son that I am a strong woman who deserves respect. I hope he sees what happens if you treat someone badly & doesn't do that to some poor girl someday.
You can do much much better!
Good Luck!

I think you know the answer to that question. Have self respect and let the loser go. He has none for you and will continue to do what he's been doing. When you stand up for yourself, your kids will respect you more, for being a strong, independent woman.

Dump him and file for child support! This sdude needs a wake-up call!

First, any man you're not married to (children or not), should not sit at home and not work. He is not contributing to the financial support of you, his children or the household. That's his first strike.

In his mind, he thinks he was able to get away with cheating in the past, because you're still with him and he's still living in your home for free! Your stipulations don't mean anything to him. He knows those are only words. If you get mad, big deal. He's still living the high life. I feel that if you have to question if you should be with someone, then that right there means you shouldn't. The children are better off not witnessing this type of disfunctional relationship, so they don't grow up thinking such lack of respect for the person you love is acceptable.

You've done too much for him to deserve this. And I noticed that you said the reason for keeping him around is the kids; but you didn't say once it was because you love him. Shouldn't that give you your answer?

Good luck,
K.

S.,

It is time to close the door and move on. This man has disrespected you and more than once. I went through the same thing for 8 yrs and stayed for the children...mine are now 7 and 8. It will be healthier for your children to learn what love really is when you find the right man who will love you like he should. They are young enough now that it won't impact them as bad as it will later on so go now. If he really loves you, he will come back and show you he is ready to change. If he doesn't he never would have changed and you would have been stuck where you are right now forever with this man. You are a beautiful person and deserve to be loved AND respected and you will be if you can let go of this awful person dragging you down! Keep your head up and goodluck!

S.

S. u know deep inside what u have to do... Honestly u deserve someone better. Tellhim to get lost, get on with your life and give yourself the chance to find someone whose really worth it. I've learned 2 things in life, people don't change and a cheating husband will ALWAYS be a cheating husband. ITs a matter of principle / morals, (cauz all of us may have the opportunity and desire to have an affair at some point but u don't do it cauz u respect the person you're with) people either have them or not. So don't wast another minute and get move on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a relationship only to you. Not to him. He thinks it's a meal ticket.
It's hard to ever separate when there are kids involved, but keep in mind the example you are setting for your kids by living like this. That may give you the strength to move on.

Had he been unfaithful to you before you moved in together?

Was he working before the children were born? How is it that you're the household breadwinner?

For how long has he been a MySpace denizen?

Does he do housework in addition to caring for the children? Is he a good father to them?

You should pursue family counseling, but I think you should also plan an exit strategy. If you don't already have a separate bank account, open one and start building a separate financial identity. Your employer's Employee Assistance Program (EAP) may be able to provide you with some counseling and/or legal assistance...ask your HR department.

Not that this excuses his behavior, but every stay-at-home parent at least sometimes feels starved for contact with other adults. One can't discuss Sunday's football game or the VP debate with a three-year-old. Could he connect with other stay-at-home parents with children the same ages as yours? SAHDs may be few and far between but there may be parent groups specifically for fathers, or at least include them.

Your jealousy of his female friends, while coming from well-founded mistrust, is serving more to drive him away than to bring his focus back to you. Find a babysitter for a couple of hours a week so that you have together time, even if it's only to take a walk around the neighborhood or to do some un-encumbered shopping. Seek a house of worship that provides child care during services so that the two of you can reconnect (or develop) your faith without the distraction of toddlers. [Don't presume that your fellow worshipers would be judgmental about your marital status.] If you've close family or friends in the area, ask whether they'd take the kids for a weekend so that you REALLY can have some uninterrupted time.

The most important values in a relationship is TRUST and COMMUNICATION. If you do not have those as a foundation, you do not have much. It is not fair to you or your children to live like this.
I wish you the best of luck. I cannot even imagine how hard this is.

Sounds like you're putting more into this relationship than he is. Time to let him go and look for a real relationship and provide a healthy environment for your children. This is not a healthy home to raise your children in.
Good luck as you move forward.

Leave him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh S. honey you need to call it quits now! I completely understand your hold back because you have kids but you are only hurting them and yourself. I believe that each side should have harmless friends but there is a line that should not be crossed. He is being disrespectful to you. Working full time and providing for your children makes it hard enough to try to maintain the relationship with your partner. Having someone disrespect you in the way that he is, makes it even harder for you to want to try to make it work. You are holding yourself back from opportunities that the future could hold for you. There may be someone else out there that would treat and respect you the way that you deserve. If not then that would be one less weight holding you down while enjoying raising your children. You have to remember them. In the long run they will suffer from an unhappy household. Do you want them to grow up and learn to live in the same type of situation. You are not the cause for him straying. If he feels that he is not getting the attention that he needs at home then he should be a man and tell you that he needs to move on. S. think about yourself, think about your children and take now to make changes in your life. "There may be rain ahead but there is always sunshine in the end." Buy or pick yourself some flowers (ones that make you smile) and remember you are strong!! Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you are a wonderful person and that you work hard for your family, only to have your boyfriend/husband disrepect you by cheating on you and otherwise focusing on other girls/women. you do not deserve to be treated that way. I strongly recommend that you get help - someone to help you see things clearly. Maybe you could talk to a marriage counselor or psychologist. I would suggest that you go on your own if he does not want to go. Also, and maybe if that is not an option for you, I would highly recommend the book "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. I haven't read it myself, but I have heard many good things about it and I really like Dr. Dobson - I've heard him speak many times (he's on the radio every morning in the DC area). Check it out on Amazon & read the reviews- it specifically addresses what to do when your husband (but you can apply it to your bf if you're not married) is cheating or otherwise not putting the relationship first. It might give you some clarity and help you decide whether to stay in the relationship. Take care and I hope things get better for you soon.

I am sorry that you are going through this right now, but he is not a very good person and obviously cares more about his own needs than his familys'. You should definitely get out of this relationship. If he has cheated more than once, then he is going to continue to do this to you. It is sad especially since you have children together, but you don't want your children growing up in an unhappy home and thinking that it is okay to treat their spouse or significant other that way or to be treated that way by someone else.

When you say you have caught him what does that mean exactly? I have been cheated on several times and never took any of them back. I just think once a cheater always a cheater. Because if you can do it once or twice to me you will continue to do it. Not to mention its not fun when you go to the gyn and find out you have an std because of a cheater. If they aren't thinking when they are cheating chances are they aren't protecting themselves. And another thing...its not fun when you find out they get the other women pregnant to boot. Some relationships can deal with it but I was never one to do it. I never wanted to worry everytime he was late from work etc...its a constant worry. And as far as the texting goes he really doesn't need to be talking or texting through the night. He should be going to bed with you since he has to get up with the kids at night. One thing you could do to double check is wait until he is in the shower and check the phone. Or you could go onto the internet through your phone records. I had to do it once with Verizon...it shows the time the call came in and went out and the number. You can push *67 and the number from your phone on all the #'s and see who picks up...make the calls during the day. If u call 5 #'s and women answer...you will have your answer.

Please get rid of this guy. I know you have kids involved but believe me, the kids will grow up so much better if they have loving parents to each other than parents that don't get along or are cheating on the other. My parents got divorced when I was 3 months old because my dad was cheating. I grew up with a loving step dad from the age of 5 on and that was the best thing my mom could've done for her 2 kids (I had an older sister as well). Please let this guy go and find one that will respect and love you for who you are and all you do. Respect yourself and get rid of him!

When a man and woman are deeply committed to each othe in love, they acknowledge their committment with wedding vows. From then on they cling only to each other. the fishing is ended. You are not married to your boy friend so he may see no reason to be committed only to you. Sounds to me like he does not love you as much as you love him. It will hurt the children to break up. Have you tried sitting down with your man and having a heart to heart talk? Have you told him that you want his love to be solely to you? Have you considered counseling with a church pastor? Could you both love strong enough to get married? AF

This doesn't really answer your question, but you might want to see if you can figure out what he is doing all day while he watches the kids. Is he actually doing a good job, or are the kid watching TV all day? I know sure as anything I wouldn't have time for all the running around behind your back he seems to do while watching two kids. Is he actually doing his job and taking care of them, or are you paying for him to stay home so the kids can play by themselves?

Just wondering if thats something you have thought about.

Hi S.,
Its always hard to end a relationship, but at the same time you need to have respect for you and your children. Staying with someone who is cheating isn't good for you or them. Before you make any decision, you should consult a lawyer. He is a stay at home parent. Does he watch the kids while you work? Who will watch them if he's gone? Also, since you are currently supporting him, and you cause a break, regardless of him being the cheater, he could get up for allomony or spousal support. A lawyer would be able to give you a clearer since of your options, without having to continue to support him.
Good luck
M.

Hello,

Sounds like a beat, move on and don't waste your time on someone who is a cheater. You say he has cheated twice it is probably more than that. You sound like a stong woman why be bogged down with a man who could care a less.
Good Luck
K.