17 answers

When Husband Won't Go to Marriage Counseling

I posted yesterday about husband, issues we are having, etc. Thank you for all the wonderful answers.

I have seen a marriage counselor. I made the first appointment and they got me in VERY quickly, so hubby said he couldn't go. Completely understandable as it was last minute, and I did want to go alone in a way to just really let it all out.

But after the session, I went home and hubby asked how it went. I told him fine, and that the therapist would really like for him to join us, as would I, so he is able to "tell his side of it" and really be there to join in on the discussion. I told him it was difficult for me to answer questions such as "what is the most stressful part of your husband's job" because though I think I may know, I may be wrong.

His response was" "All therapists or people who study psychology are crazy. This is a waste of time and pointless. This woman, or any therapist, it not going to miraculously cure us, do you think that is going to happen?! I do not want people meddling in my business and I am not going".

So, now what? I just continue to go and hope it helps me? I can tell you what is likely going to happen if he doesn;t go - we are likely to divorce, given all the issues and his unwillingness to address them. So, how on earth can I continue going with this despair feeling? I really need some encouragement, support and advice here moms. I am so terrified. I don't know if I have the strength to go through a divorce with him. I know he will fight me and it will take all I have in me to power through it.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

I think I should add - he has always been against marriage counseling. He has said the same rationale for years....this is nothing new. I have requested or mentioned marriage counseling in the past and he always refused, so I just never looked into it any further. Now, I have taken the next step and gone myself.

I am so scared moms. I feel like all I have ever wanted is a nice, healthy family. I feel like that isn't going to happen for me. I am so scared for my kids.

Addition: Thanks moms. I will continue to go. I guess it is just hard for me to understand how our marraige can grow and benefit when the other party is not there.

Featured Answers

I have never been to one... but I know others who have. Some both go for others its the same situation as you.. the spouse refuses to go. For those that went alone, they were able to get the issues off of thier chest and get help with those feelings and was able to take home ideas on how to fix it or change things or ways of handling things when the issues arose. So yes I think it will be benifical for you to keep going. Hopefully he will have a change of heart and will want to join you at some point.

4 moms found this helpful

More Answers

You can't change your husband but you can change yourself. Continue the therapy without him. You arent the first one to have to go to marriage counseling without an involved spouse and your therapist should know how to help you to become stronger and will give you the tools for the future to help with your decision to either stay or go.
As he sees you change and your commitment to therapy, he might change too.... ya just never know.
I do know this, you have to do EVERYTHING you can to save a failing marriage before you end it, you are doing the right thing by trying your best. If it ends in divorce at least you can rest knowing you pulled out all the stops to make it work first.

10 moms found this helpful

IMHO, typically the people who resist counseling are the ones who need it the most.

If I were you I would continue to go, just so I had someone to talk to about all this. Hopefully you can come to a workable resolution that's in the best interests of your children and yourself.

Good luck.

8 moms found this helpful

I am sorry he's not willing to go with you. My suggestion is that even if he won't go - you continue to go. It's important for you to know how some things may impact you and how you react to them. You will gain a lot of understanding about yourself and it will help with any ill feelings you feel for him regarding him not going.

6 moms found this helpful

Continue to go strong mama, when you change you, you change your enviroment and sometimes the people in it. Change is always scary in the beginning but a beautiful thing!

5 moms found this helpful

Yes, you continue to go to counselfing and it WILL help you. You can't control your husband's choices. You can only control you own, and now and in the future you will have a lot of choices to make. You will get an objective point of view and advice from her. You will get someone who will hear you and not judge. You will become empowered and your feelings of despair will get batter. Because, that's where those feelings come from, aren't they? They come from feeling helpless, powerless, confused, hurt, rejected, invalidated, and ignored.

Go see this person and talk to her. You won't feel so powerless. You will be helping yourself, so you won't feel so helpless. You will be working through whats happening in your life and marriage and you won't feel so confused. You will know how you want to handle those other feelings and you will come to a place where you can make the best choices for yourself and your children.

Hope this helps,

L.

5 moms found this helpful

Continue to go by yourself. You do not need him there to benefit from therapy. Besides, if his heart isn't into it, or he's really against therapy there is no point in making him go.

4 moms found this helpful

I have never been to one... but I know others who have. Some both go for others its the same situation as you.. the spouse refuses to go. For those that went alone, they were able to get the issues off of thier chest and get help with those feelings and was able to take home ideas on how to fix it or change things or ways of handling things when the issues arose. So yes I think it will be benifical for you to keep going. Hopefully he will have a change of heart and will want to join you at some point.

4 moms found this helpful

Like Theresa, I'm impressed with the speed of your action! You're a woman who knows there is a problem.
Go yourself. It will give you perspective on your situation. It will reinforce what you know--that you're not crazy, you're not imagining an *issue*.
Don't expect your husband to support this. His world of denial is closing in around him now. Of course he's not going to support it! Therapy and Alanon are going to make you the kind of spouse that's able to call a spade a spade....remember, an alcoholic that's not in recovery will mostly speak in self-serving lies, excuses and denial. Therapy and support will do you a world of good in dealing with the real issue: which is not your marriage, it's his drinking. Think about it. If the drinking magically disappeared tomorrow, I'm betting 95% of your marital problems would as well. Best of luck! Way to take the bull by the horns. Never forget what *normal* looks like!

4 moms found this helpful

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