When and Why Did YOU Decide Not to Work Outside of the Home?

I was a working mom with my first daughter all until she was 11 and I had my second child. At this point I wanted and could afford being a stay at home mom.
Both have their own pros and cons, and you are right, I did both because at the time each was the best way to provide and care for my kids.
I can see how that difference have "affected" their lifes (my older has always being very independent and my younger is very attached to me and just me, for example) but they both are healthy, happy kids.
I don't miss work but I do worry sometimes about my husband getting sick and that I wouldn't be able to find a good job.

Probably whenever I first thought about having babies. I always knew that I wanted to raise my kids myself. Have never regretted it either.

My story is not very interesting.
Too be blunt, I am the least trusting person you have probably ever known, or heard of. I just could not/would not and still do not allow strangers to be around my children with out me.

Even now, my kids are 7, 5 & 3 and we have only ever had family (and a very short list at that, my mom, my sister & BIL, my nephews, and my in-laws and my hubby's brother) babysit them when needed, which is not that often. Oldest son has a friend from preschool and baseball and after many, many outings and visits at my house, we finally allowed him to go over to his friend's house this past summer, we are in the process of talking about a sleepover and it is hard for me...and we have known these people for going on 5 years now! Like I said, I am not a trusting person. Period. End of story.

~I know this is probably not a very healthy truth, but it is my truth. I was sexually molested as a child and it still haunts me and effects my parenting choices, no doubt about it.

Well, I had every intention of going back to work, after maternity, after my 1st child.
Then, I couldn't find a suitable child care provider for my child.
Then, me and Hubby decided, that I would stay home, and that was the best.
My daughter now that she is 8, has told me NUMEROUS times, that she is glad I am a "Home Mom" and that I am home with them everyday. And not have to go to Daycare. That is my 'reward.'
She tells me "When I grow up I want to be a Home-Mom too... and be an Author/illustrator working from home." She 'respects' what I do.

No, it is not easy financially. We are not rich. But for 8 years, we have managed. I have a 4 year old son too. And he is also glad I am home, with him.
Once he enters Elementary school however, I will probably have to, get a job. Just need to make money.

I have not ever, regretted my 'position' in life... of being home with my kids and being a SAHM.
I feel, it is full of sacrifice, but also, many treasures.

all the best,
Susan

The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.

I decided to be a be a SAHP actually out of financial reasons. The only job I was trained for / made "good" money at meant being in a warzone or working 20 hours a day in the music industry, which I fell into after getting out of the USMC for about a year before I stuck my tongue out at them and left. Went back to military type schtuff -running meds (antibiotics, vaccines, surgical equip, etc.) into nasty places where they have to hiked in to remote villages often several hundred miles through mountians/ deserts/ jungles/ and other "balmy" places and guarded all the way in; but I wasn't really itching to get killed anytime soon, and that type of work has a high attrition rate.). I was home, trying to figure out "what I wanted to be when I grew up" when I met my husband and got pregnant with my miracle baby (too many miscarriages to count in a previous relationship, docs thought I might never have a live birth, I was on 3 forms of birth control when THIS little hooligan decided he needed time on the planet. :) :) :) Birthcontrol pills, condoms, and spermacide, religiously, btw. And no. That doesn't mean only on sundays.)

So I looked at the money I could make working an "unskilled" job (waitressing without a lot of experience, low level admin, etc.) and I looked at what childcare cost. I would actually have been PAYING to work. ((Full time infant group care in our area *average* was 1600 a month, individualized was $2500 a month)).

Well! Time to go back to school.

I fell in LOVE with being a student parent. I only had to be gone 4-10 hours a week, childcare was provided *separately* as part of my financial aid (as in I got x amount for school, and then because I had a child I got an extra $600 per month for childcare costs, which more than covered when I was in class, and later paid for preschool). It was the absolute BEST of both worlds for ME. 4 HOURS A WEEK is 2 naps. Or 4 hours with nana. Even later on at 10 hours, that's *nothing*. It's sanity time. 2 five hour days including drive time to and from.

I still plan on being a career woman. I'm just doing it on a different time frame. I DID have to work for a year. I worked nights, so I was with my son all day while he was awake (I wouldn't repeat that year for anything less than tragedy... sleep isn't optional these days).

The CHANGE THE WORLD bit, happened to me when I started homeschooling in 1st. There are just sooooooooo many problems with our school system (our district in particular, not that it's the worst in the world or anything, just that it's the one *I* had to deal with :P). Changing them would take decades and millions, private school is beyond our ability to pay for it AND has it's own downsides. I was sick and tired of all the problems, and the fighting, so I threw in the towel. Now I create, on a day to day basis, as much of a "dream" school as I can. I periodically look around and think Ghandi like thoughts. Not anything grand, mind you... just the realization that I AM the change I want to see in the world. :) :) :) I don't worry about what others are doing, I just do the best durn things that I possibly can in my own corner of the world.

When my husband and I bought our first house we bought it based on one income. We both made the same amount of money then. I think in the back of our minds we knew we wanted the option for me to stay home. I went back to work PT when my daughter was 13 months old. I worked about 18 hours per week (Tuesday - Friday AM) until I had my third child. My second child passed away when he was 17 days old. Once I had my 3rd all of the sudden I really had no desire to return to work even PT. I could not part with my 3 rd child. Although when I initially went back to work, after my first child, I felt I needed to for my sanity. It is funny because before I got pregnant with my first I wanted to complete my MBA. Now I can't even remember why that seemed so important at the time and I now realize I don't even like business. Lol. I now am attempting to turn my hobby of stained glass and mosaics into a little business and I have found a gallery that wants to show my work. Yay!

I too had always planned to go back to work after my maternity leave was over but as the time grew near I sat down with my husband and discussed the fact that I really really really was not happy enough in my job or with my job to go back to work everyday to make the money that would in turn just end up in our childs caregivers pocket. So we discussed it in detail and decided that it was best for me to stay home and raise our little one. It is the most demanding and exhausting job in the world but I would never change it for the world. The best decision I have ever made and I am thankful everyday that as a family we are able to make it work so that I can be home with my child all the time.

Yes, I grew up planning my future as a career woman. Got my degrees (Bachelors, and masters) and landed a great job in a very small industry. loved it. met my husband, got married, and decided to get pregnant. After getting pregnant I worked from home for next 5 years while raising my twins. i could make it work, work during their naptimes and work after husband got home until 1-2 am. I could do it. Then my daughter's health problems escalated. I couldn't concentrate anymore on anything except her. She was 4 at the time (now they're 6). I quit working. My kids needed my attention, and I am a person who will not do a descent job, I will go an extra mile without being asked to. So, even though, my quitting the job was not because I felt that need, I did it because my kids needed me. It hasn't been easy. I am still sad because I know I can never go back to that industry, I have been gone for over 2 years now so all contacts and such are pretty much dead.
I am contemplating getting my nursing degree, if i even find out HOW TO GO ABOUT APPLYING. In meantime, I have learned how to cook, I am raising my kids, and going an extra mile while raising them.

I am a nurse who had to pay my way through school. I love nursing and intended to always work, and did until our oldest was in 5th grade. But once he started school I started getting the "mom, why can't you go on the field trip?" "Why can't you eat lunch with me?" I really thought I'd be home a few years then go back to clinical nursing. But I found that once the kids hit pre-teen and teen years, in my opinion, that is when you are needed the most.

What I have done is start a business as a wellness consultant where I have flexibility.

I knew that I wanted to be home with my children before I ever had them. Fortunately, my husband agreed. It was the best thing I've ever done. I do not regret those years one teeny tiny bit, even though I have definitely sacrificed in the career department.

Changing the world within your own home is the most valuable, essential contribution any woman can make. Nothing else will do that as well for your children, while you're out changing the outside world.

Teens need their parents, too, and they need them WHEN they need them, not just when it's convenient for their parents. Jobs that let you be home for most of their home hours work best at that stage.

If you can do it, then DO IT!!

Diane

I've never really been a career person. I was in the military when I met my husband. I was enrolled to go to college that fall but we got pregnant really fast (not planned) so I didn't go. I know a lot of women have gone to school pregnant and looking back now I wish I had done so only because I could have taken advantage of my GI Bill since I'm no longer eligible for it. (I was National Guard and it works differently. National Guardsmen have to use it while still in (not explained by my recruiter Grrrr) whereas Active have so long after ETS to use it. Legislation has changed though since so many Guard were in Iraq, etc. as long as you're active 90 consecutive days and I missed the cut off! I had been activated but then we discovered I was pregnant so I got sent home.)

I've never really felt motivated in the school are though. I am most happy staying at home and taking care of my little ones. Why have a stranger raise them if you are able to? My husband has been a full time student and at times it's been really hard. We did discuss me going to work but at that time, when adding up daycare costs for 4 children, plus the extra cost of work clothes, lunches, gas etc. it just wasn't worth it. We have tabled it for the last several years and will continue to do so for at least 2 more years until all of my children are in school full time.

Every time I think of what I would have missed if I'd gone to work makes me so happy I'm able to stay home. A good friend of mine watches a little girl (absolutely adorable) every day and has since she was quite small. She has seen her do so many of her firsts so I think it would be really hard to miss that as well as the silly things my kids have said and done. It's just worth it to stay home. While each must have their own path, our society is too driven, too materialistic and in many (certainly not all) cases both parents are only working to keep them both in a certain lifestyle not really needed. Or a woman feels she can only find herself & fulfillment outside the home. That is certainly true but it can be done after the children are either all old enough to be in school or out of the nest entirely.

This actually makes me think of a book I just read recently that has really gotten me to thinking about this very subject a lot. It's "Surrendering to Motherhood" by Iris Krasnow. It's not for everyone but but there are some vaild points in it. I actually stayed up all night reading it (thankfully a weekend night!) and thinking about it.

I think a part of me has always wanted to be a SAHM. I worked full-time when I was single and did it mostly because I had to.
I did make career plans for myself however (like that actually happened :-p )
I was going to go to school (I wanted a career in catering) then start my career. Then at age 25 I was going to get married/engaged. By the time I was 30 I was going to have my 3 kids and after they were old enough to be in school full-time I would go back to work part-time or start my own business.

REALITY: I moved in with my boyfriend while I was working on my career education. Because I really didn't want to get pregnant we were using 3 forms of birth control. God apparently had other plans for me because just two months after we had moved in together I got pregnant (my daughter is beautiful BTW-inside and out). Boyfriend and I struggled with the idea of become parents so unexpectedly but once we worked through those issues we embraced it and decided to get married (he was in the military and the medical benefits were much needed). I was 5 months pregnant when we tied the knot (22 years ago). I was 21 when I got married 22 when I had our daughter. Almost three years later daughter #2 came along. Then another 3-ish years later son #1 came along and then son # 2 was almost 4 years later. DH wanted to stop after 3 kids but he didn't get it taken care of so 4 children we have.
I have worked one seasonal part-time job since DD #1 was born.
I've had moments where my children caused me to meltdown and just want to give up but those times have been far and few between compared to the "mommy, I love you" and one time especially stands out--DD #1 came home from school one day when she was a senior. It had been a particularly hard day for her (high school DRAMA) and she came in the door almost in tears and she came up to me for a hug and started crying and told me how in spite of having old furniture and not being able to buy everything she ever wanted she was SO GLAD that I chose to be a SAHM and that I was home everyday when she got home from school. That single comment chased all the discontent I had been feeling far, far away and whenever I start to doubt my worthiness as a mom I just remember that moment smile and remember that all the sacrifices have been worth it.
To keep me busy (outside of volunteering for school activities and church) I design jewelry and teach paper-crafting classes in my home studio. I feel whole and complete and wouldn't change anything.

Great Job MOM! I have been blessed to have 5 children 4 by birth and 1 a foster child that never has left home plus several other foster children that are near and dear to our hearts. I have a quote that hung for years in our family room then as the kids got older my husband moved it to the garage where the boys saw it and could think about it without knowing so. It says" the most important work you will ever achieve is within the walls of your home and nothing you ever do outside the home will compensate for failure in the home". I was able to work on and off part time just because I needed to but for most of my childrens lives they can all say I was the one there. We felt it was important for one parent to always be around esp. as teens when they really need to know that the adults in thier lives are there for them and they can count on the sabilityof it. Some of our kids friends had the police bring them to our home instead of taking them to theirs andwhen I got to have one officer lecture me I quietly waited til he paused then firmly turned to Monkey and asked why? and she said Cuz I know you'll yell, fuss, and come down on me and mine won't-- poor officer was shocked to learn it wasn't my child. Children are our future and the youth that I respect the most have had rough starts because the adults were elsewhere in their thoughts and actions and didn't think the child was the goal. Great Job and I am glad that you are doing it.

This is a tough one...that I and many others struggle with everyday. I have always been a very driven person with goals and plans in life. I graduated college, got a job, got married, bought a house, had a baby...in that strict order. And I always planned to be a working M....and am. But I NEVER imagined it being so difficult at times.

I agree with other posters that its a choice...you SAH and "live on little" or work out of the house and have a little more... unfortunatly I am the "bread winner" if you will (my hubby works, but I make double what he does). So that being said it just isn't an option for me to stay home. I could sell my car (not a brand new one) and my house...but its a tough choice and one that I am not ready to make.

And no one has talked about being a stay at home DAD in this post....my hubby and I have tried it and I will tell you that its a tough gig. I have a friends whos hubby stays home and its wonderful...works perfect for them. But for us it just doesn't work well. If you've ever done it you know that it is a whole different ball game for the guys...they just aren't "moms" no matter how hard they try : - ) I go to work...somethign happens at home (baby cries etc)...my cell rings off the hook, I get upset at work, he gets upset at home...no one benifits LOL.

I find comfort in knowing my 2 yr old LOVES her daycare provider...she is excited to go everyday...and is excited to see me everytime I get there...If you find someone you love then it makes life a lot more simple. When # 2 and then #3 and #?? come along things may change...but for now this is what works for US...thanks for tquestion, it was fun reading everyones stories : - )

When I became pregnant with my first child my husband and I discussed things and we decided that *we* wanted to raise our child, not hand her over to a childcare provider from 7:30 AM to 4:30 PM five days a week (not that there is anything wrong with this...it is necessary for some parents). In our view that would be having someone else raise our child. So, since my husband had a larger salary and health insurance, I approached my boss and asked if I could reduce to part time (20 hours a week) evening hours. He supported this as it was mutually beneficial to both of us. So after the birth of my first daughter I began working evenings. This worked really well for us because both my husband and I had a responsibility in actively caring for and raising our child. Then when I became pregnant with our second daughter my boss informed me that he was ill and would be taking a leave of absence indefinitely (he did not know that I was pregnant). So I was officially "let go." Shortly thereafter I was placed on bed rest so I was unable to work. Knowing that finding part time evening hours in my field of work is next to impossible and still being unwilling to pay someone to raise our children, I decided to return to college (online) rather than attempt to find employment. I intend to return to the workforce when my youngest child is in school full time.

i honestly had never really thought i would be a sahm. after i had my daughter, i took my three months maternity leave and then returned to work. i was a single mom so i didn't have the option to stay home. well i met my fiance and i was still planning to work after i finished school (i only had a semester left). well i ended up not graduating because of some health issues. i ended up owing the school a few hundred dollars that we couldn't afford to pay. so we talked about it, and decided until i can get back to school i'd stay home with my daughter. i plan to go back to school this summer. and then when i graduate and find a job, my fiance will take over staying at home while he goes to school full time. once he gets his job, my daughter will most likely be in school so i'll keep working.

What a great question. Sorry I am a bit late on responding, because I work from home and when the business is busy - so am I! But working from home gave me the freedom and flexibility to volunteer several days a week while my now 16 year old Honor Student daughter was in elementary school. I personally knew and assisted her teachers and the office staff. It gave me great inside information and also great insight to what was going on in the school. I will never regret that time spent - I actually treasure it as I still see now teenagers who I met and helped in Elementary school that will call out to me on the street or in a store. That I made a difference is priceless. Please know you can change the world, one step at a time.
Hope this helps!
Patti B

When I go laid off -

I was scared as he&^ to be home with my kids ALL day. Ha Ha. After a few weeks I realized how much fun my kids were. Been home ever since and just welcomed baby # 3. I love getting to see what my kids do every day.

I knew very early in life (when I was in junior high - yes thats crazy early) that I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. Being that both my parents worked I barely had a relationship with them. Then growing up going to school and watching other ppls children for over 15yrs, I realized it will be my main goal to be home with my child(ren). Having someone else raise my child and miss out on the most important milestones would not something I wish to miss.

Then back in 1999 when i was a nanny for a wealthy family and they had one child. Both worked full time. The mom eventually quit her high paying job to be a more full time mom but kept me as their nanny 50hrs a week. The entire time I was there, I recall the mother spending 1 time with her child. That made me very angry and made me swore up and down i will never allow someone else to care for my child but me. No matter what I had to do to make that a reality possible.

When i was 30 I had my first child. I talked about it during and before my pregnancy with my husband at that time, that I wanted to be a stay at home mom. He wasn't keen on the idea and basically said no. I wasn't going to allow his reasons to say otherwise. So I started my own dog walking/pet sitting business to allow me the opportunity to be home with my child.

I at least would make income and do what I always wanted to do. After I had my child I realized after my maternity leave was over I was not mentally ready to go back to work. So I told my employer to lay me off. They did. So I continued my dog walking business. Got a few clients plus went back into childcare. When my child was 3 months old I was caring for a 3.5 yr old and doing my dog walking business as well.

My son is now 3. Being a stay at home mom was the BEST and most rewarding decision I ever made. Not only that, I was a SINGLE stay at home mom without his fathers help. It was a major struggle financially. It made a lot of sacrifices to have my dream. My son has benefited from it every day. The comments from other parents, strangers and family of how well behaved, well mannered, well rounded, respectful and polite my son is, makes me very proud and I give myself a big pat on the back. As he would not be who he is right now if it weren't for me raising him.

Not to brag, but I truly feel I have the most polite 3yr old boy that I have ever met. He shocks everyone who comes into his life. Even strangers. Especially how happy, fun, loving and friendly he is.

Oddly enough, now that my son is in school 3 days a week from 8-1p, I see the difference in him without being with me full time. Not happy with the out come, but sadly life has forced me back to work part time. I at least still get to be home with my son daily and not have him entirely in day care. God blessed me with my son and blessed me with 3 years of being home with my son full time. I truly feel very special to say I had that opportunity.

Doing EVERYTHING in my power to get my son back at least part of the time and not stuck behind a desk. Even though its for only 20hrs a week. Its 20hrs a week I am missing out.....

If you can be a stay at home mom, I SAY DO IT!!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!!

this is one SAHM that is thankful every day I was given that opportunity. May not have been for as long as I hoped (til he was 6) but i got 3yrs!!!!

raising kids at home IS work. it's just not a paid job. who wouldn't choose to stay home instead of go to job every day and work for someone else? to me it's purely economical. if you can't afford to stay home, you get a job. both my partner and i would LOVE to stay home with our kid (duh!). but it's not a possibility. maybe that simply reality can simplify your complex feelings on this subject and reduce your guilt (?). apparently you can afford to stay home, so you do. who wouldn't? you're still working (probably working your BUTT off wth 3 kids!!!), but for your family. if it feels right to you, then it is.

Money was tight for us after my first child was born and I had planned to keep working, for a few years anyway. I had a college degree but I wasn't working in my field. My husband was working his way up in his business. Money wasn't that good yet. Taking care of the family was our priority, and we needed enough income to do that properly.... so I kept working. I liked my job okay.

My son, however, kept getting sick in daycare and was having one ear infection after the other. I kept having to miss work and was feeling a pull. I wanted to do my job, but of course my son came first. It became harder and harder for us to figure out the logistics. My husband missing work was even more difficult.....it was only the early 80's. It became very hard to leave my son and I wanted to stay home and be with him..... to do my best to keep him healthy, and to see him grow up. We just couldn't afford that as we had bought our first house when my son was about 18 months old.

That's when we made a decision. We sold our house and moved to a city where housing was more affordable. We bought a smaller home and put ourselves on a tight budget. That's when I became a stay-at-home Mom.

I grew up somewhat as a women's libber. I still am, but I learned quickly that Women cannot (or at least its harder for us) to have it all. You can raise a family and have a career but not many of us can achieve it without guilt and worry. You always feel pulled in two directions. Men don't seem to feel that as much. It's not fair and there is no right or wrong way to do it, but that's what happened to me.

I am one of those thad had every intention of going back to work full-time until my oldest was 11 wks old. He cried all day long one day, and I realized that if he was at day-care, he would be left alone to cry. At that point, I started working weekends. As the boys got older, weekends are busy too, so I work part time. I wish that my husband and I were in a position that I could stay home, but we are not. I am still able to do the class parties, field trips, etc. I just work around those days. I realize that most of us would like to be SAHM's, but at some point, I believe that some moms should see that maybe a part-time job would help. If, financially, your husband can support all of you that's great. But if you can't pay your bills and your kids always have to do without, maybe a part-time job would be the answer. I know it's to each his/her own, but I do believe that we have to put our families best interest first. It hurts my heart to see kiddos whose mom's are die-hard SAHM's that have needs that aren't being met. Okay, there's my soapbox:)

With my son, I worked full time until he was 4, I had a good job, and I enjoyed my work, so I didn't see any need to stay home - I had a fabulous nanny who loved him to bits. When he was 4 we moved to the states and my husband wanted me to stay home until he went to school, so our son could have a taste of having mom at home, then I got preggers so I am still at home 4 years later.
From reading my other posts you will see that I struggle with staying home - I know it is the best for my children, but it is so hard, because my kids are both SO SO hard going. I am going back to school full time next year - my daughter will be 4, so I will have been home for 8 years, and for me that is long enough. My daughter will go to full time preschool.

I never thought I'd stay home. I was also a teacher. After having my second child, my private school teacher salary wasn't going to be worth working. My husband and I decided I should stay home. For now anyways...

I was hoping to hear from people like you who have such a strong feeling about being a SAHM when I asked a question on 4/18 "Would you quit this job?". Curious what your reply would be.