Whats Wrong with Me.... ( Maybe Too Personal )

I talked with my OB/Gyn about something similar to this. I said I felt "stuck in Mom mode". It's hard to feel sexy when you have spit up on you or you spend the whole day being needed for something/someone, etc. It's just that I'm so exhausted by the end of the day.

No, there's nothing medically wrong with me, it's called EXHAUSTION. She said I needed to ask for help, from my mom, get a sitter, cleaning lady, whatever it takes to get a break from the kids and housework.

Also, she said I NEED to plan date nights and Girls Nights Out. I said, "Are you kidding?!? I'm already exhausted and a SAHM (limited budget being on one income).

She said she hears this several times a WEEK from moms coming in saying they have no drive anymore. She said it's because we are always GIVING GIVING GIVING until we're spent.

I have felt a little better since trying to take her advice. It really does wonders to be alone, get lunch with a friend, etc.

I bet if you took some time for yourself, to find yourself again instead of being "Mom", "wife", "coworker", "cooker", "cleaner", etc. you'd be happier and WANT to have sex. It takes time. Think of it as an investment in yourself and your marriage.

Hang in there! And do talk with your dr to rule out any medical issues for yourself. You are not alone!!!

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Your hormones are unbalanced---it happens often after childbirth, and if you don't do anything to fix it this is what happens. It's very common, and it is fixable. There are lots of natural remedies if you don't want to do hormone replacement stuff. A good herb to start with is chaste tree berry (also known as vitex) that balances hormones at the pituitary level. If that doesn't work there are others. If you are depressed it's low progesterone. If you are vaginally very dry it is low estrogen. And if you have no sex drive at all it's typically low testosterone. OR it could be a combination of all three being out of balance. DHEA is the pre-cursor in the body for both estrogen and testosterone. Evening primrose oil as the pre-cursor for progesterone. Flax seed oil has the pre-cursor for estrogen. I would need to know more about your cycle and your physical symptoms before I could tell you exactly what to take, but this is a general road map. If you'd like to talk further I'm happy to help. But know this---it is totally fixable!! You might also be having low thyroid issues--you can get a blood test for that. Again, I would need to know more about your symptoms to tell for sure if that is the situation.
Good luck!
J.

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You wrote a beautiful letter from your heart. I am surprised by the number of woman 'in the same boat' as you....no, not surprised by the number, surprised by not asking for help.

Please, ask your family doctor or your OB doctor or a licensed sexual therapist as soon as possible for some answers. Print off what you wrote above and take it with you. Let it speak for you.

If you don't ask for help.....soon....these are the sweet husbands and men who often feel unloved at home, so find love elsewhere. This is the type of disconnection that make men stray. So if you want to affair proof your marriage, then please ask for help.

Ditto to the moms below who are 'in the same boat.'

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I was the same way! I had been taking my birth control pill since my son was born he is now 1. One month I screwed it up and had to stop taking it for a month. It was crazy! I was exactly like you until I stopped using the pill. The doctor told me that it had to do with what happens to your hormones from the pill. Its totally diffetent now. I dont know if you are on the pill but if you are maybe consider going off.

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Our bodies change some much because of pregnancies and yet we are told so little about it.
You need to have your hormones checked...thyroid, DHEA, estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. It doesn't matter if you are 25 or 50, hormone imbalances can make you miserable. And they can effect so much more than your sexual health.
Dr Kristin Sarna is a family doctor who specializes in Bio-identical hormones, she is at Norterra, please call her and have her evaluate your levels. You (and your) husband may be pleasantly surprised.

And ladies, keep in mind that no matter how wonderful "you" think your marriage is, if your husband has sexual needs that you don't meet, you may be leaving the door open for someone else to meet them. Men are not the same as women, and often time express love through intimacy. If you don't believe this, get on some men's forums and start reading, then have an open and honest conversation with your husband.

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I could have written this word for word. I can't wait to read your answers. Know that you are not alone.

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Is it your sex drive or your reaction to your husband? Not sure how to say this, but is personal enjoyment still possible? I mean by yourself. I heard it suggested on an advice radio show once that a woman having similar problems as you try that, that it does take some time to remind your body how that feels, especially when we are being pulled in so many directions and have so many roles to fill. It made sense to me; how can we expect someone else to give us pleasure when we can't give it to ourselves?

Good luck with this. I hope these responses can help you heal.

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I am right there with you sister!!! And my husband is so understanding!!! Some guys would not be we are so lucky! I just don't have the drive. It does not help that his work schedule is so very crazy that we don't see eachother very ofter either. But we are best friends.

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I don't want to ask your age, but that could be a factor. Perimenopause and menopause could contribute. There are certain health conditions that drop your sex drive. I'd start with your gynecologist and speak with them for guidance and suggestions (don't be embarrassed! They've heard and seen it all!) It's wonderful that your husband is understanding, and it's great you're being sensitive to him as well. But sex is meant to be enjoyed! I'd start with your gyno or GP to see if it's medically related, then yes, can't hurt to see a sex therapist, I think that's a great idea!! Best wishes :)

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RIght there with you sister!!! I am in exactly the same boat, with the exception of being intimate 3-4X's a month. I just can't get into it no matter what. I love my hubby more than anything, but I just have no desire...Can't wait to see your responses.

Just know that you are not alone.

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I think it is normal to have a drop in your sex drive after having kids but to have it disappear is a concern particularly since it is bothering you. I don't have any real answers other than to say start with looking for physical reasons. See your doctor, have a complete physical, check thyroid, hormone levels, etc. Tell him/her the problem. If there is nothing physically wrong, then you can pursue it through therapy but it doesn't have to be a sex therapist although that may be something to consider at some point.

Also, if you are on hormonal birth control this can be a side effect. That's one of the reasons I don't like the pill because it really affected my sex drive. It didn't do it immediately but over time I became less interested. When I stopped taking the pill it came back.

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I can be right there with you much of the time! I 1st would suggest time for yourself, I know for me it's important, I just get tired of being "needed" (mom, wife, keeping house....) You could also try a Dr. appt to see if there's anything medical??

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Go to the root of it. For me it was I distanced myself emotionally from my husband, who was being an a$$. Just like the mama below said, I still found him attractive etc..but could not bring myself to physically desire him because I hated the way he would approach me and that he did not have any concern whatsoever for my emotions (not related to sex but to everything else). It was a natural, HEALTHY, response I had. Infact when I divroced and had another relationship sex was super enjoyable and I didn't even recognize myself because i wanted it so much. SO, if you love your husband, he's good to you etc.. must be something physical. Just find out what it is asap. Good luck.

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No I'm not in the same boat but I would strongly recommend that you seek professional help. First have yourself checked out by your medical doctor to rule out the physical then seek further help from a psychological doctor which may be able to help you get to the bottom of things and sort things out for yourself and get you to enjoying sex more. This would be a good thing for you, your husband and your marriage. I say go for it.

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I am glad to see that we are not alone, but it's sad that we all seem to have the same issue and get the same response! My husband will be a complete and horrible jerk if I don't give it up at least every other day for him. I do love him and he is attractive, but like others have said, I am tired! I work full time, have 3 girls, volunteer at the church and I am ALWAYS being pulled by someone for something! I don't know what to do about it myself so I don' really know what to say to you other than hang in there!

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Talk to you doctor. A total loss of sex drive can be the result of an actual medical issue, such as a hormonal unbalance. If you rule out medical issues with your doctor, than talk to a therapist, and start trying to have sex more often, as with many things in life, the more sex we have the more we tend to want. But I would talk to the doctor first, to have no sex drive for so long more than likely has a root cause.

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warm showers before bedtime.

You have enough responses of what to do - I just want to congratulate you on reaching out for help. That was a hard step, but important. Now, don't give up if the first thing doesn't pan out, keep trying. It will be a slow process, but worth it for your relationship. Everyone is different, but sooner or later your lack of desire for your husband will be apparent. Then he will be hurt if you didn't try to work thought it with him. Good luck and stay brave.

Hi L.,
First off-there is *absolutely 100%* nothing wrong with you. You. are not alone. Consider wanting to look into hormones imbalance on the net for side effects. Your reg doc can easily prescribe a birth control that will make a world of difference in the bedroom, especially lol.
You are probably thinking: I don't care, still
interested. Well,I know from personal experience, but I was on pills due to bleeding excessively during periods. So I had no idea & no choices lol.
Maybe trying different things that you are willing to at least try. If you like anything (keeping vague)at all to very small/seems insignificant, extreme, weird or common- tell him & let him be aware.
Dr.Laura B is an amazing famous sex doctor. She has a talk radio show that is on cable asd well as couple help series-very informational
Good luck.

Well I used to feel that way years ago, but I "grew out of it". I think it really has to do with all the busyness of us moms, taking care of the kids and the home, and when it's done (yea work is never done) we just want to have our "own time". I would suggest talking with your doctor about it, maybe he or she can give you some good advice. Make sure your hubby knows how much you love him, and that you are having an issue with this inside your head. I might also add, that a friend of mine was having some issues, and had her hormones checked. She was way off, and was put on hormone replacement, I think it is called. Anway, she said her life has turned around. I have heard it is good to do this, but of course I haven't yet but maybe that could help you too. Good luck to you. Don't beat yourself up. We all feel this way now and again.

You may want to have your hormone levels checked. Low testosterone can cause low sex drive and it is a simple fix. Good luck.

i quit 2 years or more ago because i hate being grabbed at and talked sexually to. he knows i was abused and it repulses me but is trying to shame me into sex. he is an a@# and he needs to not be.
i have been checked out hormonally and am fine. i am not getting a divorce, but i bet if i did and later dated someone nicer, it would be back.

You should go to a counselor, not necessarily a sex therapist. I have felt the same way in the past, I talked to my obgyn and he recommended I see a therapist... he also said is VERY common. Counseling helped me greatly! This could be a mental issue you are dealing with, or a hormonal one in which your obgyn or Dr can help you with. I would talk to your Dr, don't be shy and good luck :)

Get a blood test done and test hormones and other important thing in your body.

What BC are you on? Are you taking an other meds which can have an effect on your desire? I would also like to know do you battle with anxiety or depression? Have you gone to a counselor? I am glad that you are intimate with your husband 3-4X a month but I want to see you enjoy it. I think this is a time to go and get some counseling for yourself.

You are asking this question because you care and want to address it. I am glad that you are taking the first steps...

I have felt like this in my marriage, and fortunately my libido is back, though nothing close to what it once was. I get really amorous when I'm ovulating, but that's about it. But there was a long time in my marriage (about the first 5 years when I was on birth control and/or pregnant) when I had no desire for sex. It was depressing for both of us. I adored my husband, but the birth control or something wiped out my sex drive. Like you, I still made love to him because I wanted to meet his needs and be close with my husband, but I would have been fine without it and it didn't do much for me. I would read books on the subject and just cry my eyes out that everything else in our marriage was wonderful except this complicated sex issue. It took a long time for us to even figure out how to make it feel good for me, but part of the problem was that I had no desire for it. for the first 5 years of my marriage I was either on birht control, pregnant (2x) or nursing for a year after each birth. once I was finished with all those hormonal things I have my libido again. But I long so much for that hunger for sex that I used to have when we were dating (we were virgins when we got married and by then I was on birth control). Right after the birth of my first baby I even asked my OB/GYN for help and she kind of dismissed it since many women don't want to have sex right after giving birth. I tried to explain to her that this was a problem long before I had a baby and asked if there was some hormone that could help, but she didn't know how to help me. My husband is a wonderful and patient guy, but he would get agitated if we went too long without sex. That made me mad like I was being made to do something I didn't like, but I understand he has needs too and he helps out a lot and treats me really well, so that's not why I didn't want to have sex. But now that I do have my libido back, I will say that when he's insensitive it completely evaporates it.