What Would You Have Done at This Playdate?

I have not read other responses because I want to encourage you to stand up for manners and not tolerate meanness. The more of us who expect the best, the better it is for everyone. You did nothing wrong. I love the phrase "The playdate is now over since you are not playing nice." Nip it in the bud.

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They're 7 - they are still learning social skills and they will be for many years. I know plenty of adults who are still, or should be, honing their social skills.

You're being a typical mama-bear - feelig for your kid when an older kid is less than gracious. Don't think your own child doesn't have their own social mistakes when you're not around and they're in a less than comfortable situation. I was always a shy kid and felt very awkward when with my friend's parents if the friend wasn't there next to me. When kids feel awkward they say awkward things.

This is not a big issue - I'd let it pass. If you allow yourself to overthink every comment another kid makes you'll lose your mind. When my kids were the age of yours I came to the conclusion that I didn't really like other people's kids. There were times I didn't like my own - but I loved them. Other people's kids are tough. If they're not too snarky or fresh, they're too perfect or tattle-taley, etc. But as the kids have gotten older and are now teens I've had the tough learning experience of hearing things my kids have said, or seen things they've done that I either happened upon by mistake, or experienced when they didn't know I could see/hear. My conclusion is that kids are very un-polished precious jewels. They need to get rolled around in gritty environments to get smooth and shiny. They will make lots of social errors on their way to maturity and adulthood - so give them some grace and move on.

No one said parenting was easy - and other people's kids are even more tough!

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I think I would have said something like, "Hey. (mama voice) We need to talk nicely to our friends." If she did it again, "Well if we can't talk nicely to our friends, than maybe we shouldn't play together today."

I think you handled it just fine. You said something (which you should have) as a warning. She did it again in your presence and you gave a swift LOGICAL consequence.

If you invite her again, make it clear that you expect EVERYONE to speak and act kindly otherwise the playdate will end.

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Maybe I did it wrong, but I am like you and with my kids and their friends the deal was that they didn't have to continuously include their younger siblings but they absolutely had to be kind to them. If someone was mean to their little brother or sister they were taught to take offense. It's a family first home around here.

I think you did the right thing and if she comes back to play you need to set clear boundaries the second she is in your house. Kind words, kind gestures, ask before using her stuff and if you use it she gets to be included in the play, group activities like the park are all inclusive play times so if you want to play alone that happens in your daughter's bedroom. If the rules aren't followed by all the girls, the play date is over and she goes home immediately. The follow through. State the rules everytime and follow through everytime.

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Since you had given a warning and the behavior continued and given you weren't having the best day either, it was appropriate to end the playdate. However, I think contemplating never having her back to play again is a bit dramatic. 7 years old is still young and still learning how to handle social situations. Every kid is mean at some point (yes, even your children!), but the great thing is that kids are very forgiving. This is a great teaching opportunity for you to teach your children about treating others kindly and forgiving. Instead of shutting this girl out, invite her over again and let your girls set a good example. Now, if the girl continues to be hurtful and the playdates are no longer fun for your girls, then you definitely need to protect your kids. But for now, imagine if the situation were reversed - how would you want the other parent to treat your daughter?

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I would have ended it too. But I would probably give her another chance (as far as inviting her again in the future). It doesn't matter that you were at a park vs. at your home. You were "hosting" and were the supervisory adult.
I don't mind letting my kids figure things our for themselves, but at the same time, the 7 yr old needs some gentle direction too. And letting her know that it is not okay to talk like that to someone just b/c they are smaller than her or younger, is a GOOD thing. I probably wouldn't have said anything if it was just some other child at the playground that I didn't know and wasn't in charge of. But the fact that you WERE in charge and supervising her changes things. At least for me.
Doesn't sound like you were too harsh to me. Sometimes kids need to hear a tiny bit or harshness to be able to recognize that "wow, I must be way out of line". And she was. It's how they learn to self-regulate their mouths, and having responsible adults to guide them is part of learning to self-regulate.
You did good. In my opinion.

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When our kids were growing up we had a yard as big as a park. We were the house where all the kids in the area came to play and we were set up with toys and equipment for anything they wanted to play. But we had a few firm rules.
No name calling, (and cursing was not tolerated).
No keeping score (can lead to too much aggression)
Everybody has a good time (no excluding anyone who wanted to play).
If you were caught breaking our rules, you were "grounded" for two weeks from playing in our yard. The grounded kid would always be back in two weeks and would usually check with us first to make sure it was okay for them to play again. They were always welcomed back with a smile! Every child who was grounded, always came back.
With these few simple rules our yard stayed a safe and friendly place to play.
With a one on one play date, I agree. They should be allowed their time together without younger siblings. But the other rules still applied.
Words can hurt!
I can respect if you are not a stickler on "manners", but a basic respect for other human beings is not over the top.
For this girl to be so disrespectful, I worry she has the makings of a bully.
Not all the kids playing at our house had good homes or anyone who cared. But at our house, they knew I cared enough about them to make them responsible for their own actions. I cared enough to say "No".

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During the stages of growing up, kids will often experience different attitudes, snottiness, and wanting more of their own space. It's hard to accept I know. My son is turning 7 this month and I have noticed a bit of a change in the way he plays with his little brother, and his attitude. It's part of them growing up. I wouldn't like a child being mean to my little one either and I would have to tell him/her that if they are going to act that way and be mean to friends, then they can't play over here. And I would take them home too. Then when they come over again for another playdate, I would remind them that we share and be fair, and play nice with each other or the playdate will end like last time. Kids will forget so this reminder will help them remember what happened last time.

Oh and if another playdate does happen, don't let anyone else's child climb a tree in your care. If that child falls and gets seriously hurt, you could be liable for their medical bills and be construed as neglagent. I personally wouldn't want my son to go over to a friends house and have that parent allow my child to climb a tree. Climbing trees are fun, but it should be with that parent present so that they can be liable for their own child. :-D

PS: Letting children solve their own issues is great, unless an older child is being mean to a younger one like in this instance...with that 7 year old being mean with the 4 year old. Not acceptable. And a parent needs to intervene IMO.

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My girls are 5 and 6 and they love to play with a neighbor who is almost 8. They play pretty good together but I have noticed that sometimes one of my daughters and the neighbor would gang up on my other daughter. Every time they would play it was either one daughter or the other against one another with the neighbor. It was driving me crazy because mine are sisters and they would fight with each other for the neighbor. I would be so pist off when I would hear them because one time I snooped and heard them be mean to my 5 year old so I told them that's enough everyone inside and neighbor girl, I sent her on her way. She lives 2 houses down. But for me it's really frustrating when my daughters are fighting against each other to please someone else. So I told my girls that if I hear of them fighting again like with each other instead of taking for each other, they are no longer to play with the neighbor. I keep a good eye out for them and haven't heard anything crazy yet. Yea but that is always hard so maybe you could give it one more try just talk to your kids and hope the mother talks to her daughter and wish for the best. If it doesn't second time round then maybe not. good luck!

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I think i would have done the same thing that you did. Unfortuntely with little girls they get to have a bit of an attitude problem and they are very clicky. I remember being that way when I was little and my freinds being that way to my little sister. I think its good that you spoke up soo she knew that you did not appreciate it. Also I am 25 and my sister is 24 and she still remembers all the little girls that were my friends that were mean to her... I bet she wished my mom would have stuck up for her

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I probably would've reacted the same way. My girl is almost 3 and I've had to stick up for her a few times (for the most part, she is very kind and careful with the younger kids). I would rather say something than not, though.

It reminds me of something that happened a few weeks ago at a work-picnic that my mom had invited us to. There was this little boy who was about 9 or 10 and he had been acting up all day (loud and obnoxious during the magic show, pushing his way to the front of the line for face painting, and etc). Well, I was sitting at a table by myself and he came over to chat with me. He pointed at a young man in a wheelchair who was sitting about 4 feet away from us and said "you know, he's mental" I asked him "what did you say?" and he repeated "that guy in the chair is mental." I said, "that's not a very nice thing to say" the boy said "well, he is!" I said, "He's in a wheelchair because he can't walk, but that doesn't mean he's mental. Did you talk to him?" The boy said "no, but I can tell he's mental" (and made the crazy hand motion). I said, "well, that's my brother and I don't appreciate you being rude. You need to apologize and find someone else to talk to." He looked all surprized and said "how is he your brother? I wasn't trying to be mean." I really had to bite my tongue with this kid!! And yes, it really was my brother--he's in a wheelchair because he was born with cerebral palsy--and absolutely has all of his mental faculties intact. My almost-3-year-old is more "accepting" of a guy in a wheelchair than that boy who really should "know better"!! ARG! I told my mom about it and she gave him a real earful later (she's much more tactful and patient than I am)!!

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I would not have got into it. I am a big believer of letting my kids know I am here if they need me so if they don't ask I don't get involved. I do after the fact ask how they felt and let them lead the discussion. I can assure you sitting on the sidelines it not easy but we tend to think our kids are in distress when they don't think they are.

So far as the behavior goes it could be something as simple is the popular girl in her class called some younger kid a baby and she thought it was the cool thing to do. At that age they know what they want but haven't a clue how to get there.

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There is an eight year span between my oldest and my youngest child - there are three of them. When they were younger, we had this issue from time to time with the older ones' friends. Like you, I mostly let the older kids work it out themselves when it was between them. I also made a reasonable attempt to keep my younger kids away when they older ones had friends over. Usually my oldest take care of it himself if his friend was being mean to his siblings. There were times, though, that I stepped in and said "if you want to play at my house, you will be civil to ALL my children. Otherwise you will not be welcome here." That was usually all it took. Even in the most extreme cases.

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I have had one of my friends sons do that to my son who is the same age. He would rather play with my older son. When he would start being rude I would sit him down and tell him that behavior is not acceptable. Of cose his mom did the same thing many time. Usually if your child is like that the parent probably already knows. I would not worry about it too much. If you have her over again you might lay down ground rules ahead of time. It would be the same thing if another kid came and played at the park with them and she acted like that. YOu would not want to let her just be mean to someone else either when you are in charge of her.

Good Luck and God Bless!

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Kids can't figure all things out themselves without SOME input from grownups -- if they don't learn what tone of voice or word choice is actually rude, then why would they change? We have to model and guide kids into behaving in ways that are acceptable. I agree that they aren't necessarily bad or mean kids for saying certain things, but they need to know when something is disrespectful and have the chance to make a different choice the next time.

We were having this issue (still do sometimes) with a friend of my older son. He's an only child (so no practice with other kids at home) and socially very awkward. He will turn to my son and say "your sister is annoying" loud enough for her to hear, he'll ignore her when she asks him a question, he's just not nice to her. I think he just wants to play with my son, and dealing with his sister is an annoyance he can't tolerate. I never heard things clearly in the moment, so was unable to speak to him directly. I brought it up to the mom who was upset to hear him being disrespectful, and have tried to limit play dates to times when my daughter is not around. But my husband and I agreed that if I do encounter this again, I'll say "in this house we try to speak to everyone respectfully, and if you can't find a way to use kind words and tones to speak to everyone you interact with here, then we won't invite you back." In other words, you don't have to play with everyone (or treat a little sibling like an equal if you aren't actually friends) but you have to speak kindly.

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I don't think you did anything wrong. She could have been having a bad day too. Have her back over again and if it happens again then no more but at least you tried.

Was your older daughter upset?

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The friend was probably upset because you didn't let her run home with your daughter and so that brought out the meanness towards the younger.

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I would've sent her home.

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I think you did okay. I woudl have told her exactly the problem. We do not speak roughly to each other. If you want to play here, everyone is to be included and talked to nicely. Please apologize. Assuming she did, I wouldn't have made her leave, although I don't think you were wrong either. I definately think she did nothing so agregious as to prevent another chance and a second playdate.

Give the kid another chance, and this time be sure the older girls get all one-on-one time. I know they had an hour free of little sister at the start of the play date, but frankly I always feel for older siblings who have to share play dates (even peripherally like in this case) with younger ones. The girl likely was very cross at being separated from your daughter; even though it was brief, she saw your child run home -- somewhere totally different from the park to her, even if the park seems like the back yard to you -- and she probably was mad at being what she thought of as excluded. It sounds like the girls had not seen each other for some time, and the visitor may have had high hopes for a play date with an old friend. That is not an excuse for her snippiness, of course, but it could be an explanation for it.

I agree that the girl was rude both to you and to your daughter but rather than "Playdate's over," you might have said, "That is not the way we talk and it's not allowed here." I find that pretty effective at shutting down backtalk even in kids my daughter's age (10) if it's delivered firmly but quietly -- and directly to the child's face. I found it even worked with a 12-year-old who was using some inappropriate language at summer camp. Said almost in a whisper but right next to the ear, it can stop them in their tracks because they know an adult has put them on notice!

I think that if your daughter's friend were consistently rude to your younger child, you could rethink things, but I would cut her (and your daughter, who wants to see her, right?) a break and not overthink this. Like I said -- I feel for kids who have to share play dates with siblings. I know siblings have to be included, to play nice, etc., but maybe next time arrange activities for the girls at home and something separate for your younger child so they just don't have to mingle.

I loved NY Metro Mom of Teen's answer and very much agree with her.

Woah, you overreacted in canceling and underreacted in handling the situation. I would have talked to her about being nice and respectful and given her a warning before abruptly springing the "playdate is over" thing. You watched her be rude a few times before ever correcting the situation. You saw that your youngest child was annoying her, yet you didn't separate them. You don't have to sit back and watch until you get fed up. Set some ground rules. And it's pretty common knowledge that 5 year olds can be annoying to older kids, even without meaning to be.

I would have stayed out of it. Kids need to figure things out themselves. It is amazing when left to their own devices they do well. Why do the parents
of today feel they need to get into every discussion their children have with
other kids. Let them be. Being able to solve their own problems is definitely a plus in the long run. As long as no one is biting hitting etc just sit back.