What Would You do.....friend Is a Kind of a Bully

A. -
First, congratulations on raising your boy to be tolerant and inclusive. I know that you feel your son is being more tolerant than you'd like right now, but obviously you've raised him well and he is a force for good among his peers. Kudos to you and to him.

The bully is clearly a child with many problems. One of his problems is his mother's denial that he has many problems. Here is a child who needs help and is not getting it. This is sad, not only for his future but for his present: no one wants to play with him or invite him to birthday parties. This is not to say that it's your role to fix things for this child - you can't - but I hope you can see that this is not a "bad" child but a child with real difficulties.

Now.. to your question. If you decide to invite the bully, assign an adult to chaperone him. Ordinarily, I'd suggest the parent, but that's not likely to be effective in this case. If you have a good friend who can be assigned to this child (maybe a strong male figure), then try this. You will need to make it clear to the child's parent that because of his difficulties, you will ask someone to help him have a good time. You may need to adjust the party's activities to help keep things under control.

You might decide that you just can't handle this. I understand. If that's the case, then you'll need to sit down with your own child and talk about your decision and your reasons for that. Make it clear that you support your child's tolerance and you care about the well-being of the bully, but that yours is a decision you need to stick with. If you go this route, adjust the party so that the bully isn't the only person left out. Maybe have a sleepover for just two friends, not a big party for the entire class. If a big party has to happen, then you're going to need to invite the bully.

Good luck with this. It's only one day. I hope it goes well.

D.. Patricia Nan A.
Author, Parenting: A Field Guide
information at mothersmentor.blogspot.com

4 moms found this helpful

Hi A.,

I have some insightful features on bullying on my blog at http://www.tristansepinion.blogspot.com - look under "On Topic" (right sidebar, halfway down - under my new HERO, Walter Olson :-).

You are rightfully concerned - whether this other boy's behavior impacts your son or influences him as he grows from 6 to 16. You can't control who he chooses for friends at 16 so now is your chance to help him gain the skills and self esteem to identify behaviors that are not positive in his life - to choose friends wisely.

I would speak with the mom - and I don't care if her attitude is "boys will be boys" - because, when her son is in YOUR home, this "cute" little slogan only has to work if you let it. I would let her know that I respect her perspective but, in my home, the motto is "boys will have manners and respect for others."

Since her son has problems adjusting to that rule and a party is a situation where you cannot be there to police every child's behavior single-handedly (while juggling cake, games - we know the drill!), let her know that, if he'd like to come, he's welcome - but she must ALSO attend and be responsible for parenting him so that you do not have to.

The reality is, if any other child were to be injured while in your home, you would be liable and feel horrible, too!
If she cares about your concerns and has respect for YOU, she will show her respect by honoring your request without issue - she'll understand.

My direct two cents (from an old fashioned girl) - there are times when others you like have horrible children and times when others you don't much like have lovely ones. Either way, it's alltogether your right, privelege and responsibility to consider what the best choice is for your family. Sometimes, you really do have to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water. If you have taken the time to express your concerns and there is no interest in responding cooperatively, on you / your family's behalf, then you may want to consider such an option.

If this helps, great...if not, toss it! I wish you a wonderful party without incident!

Warmest Regards,
T. B.

2 moms found this helpful

Not to sound rude, but since when has it become OK for kids to make their own decisions... Or better yet, when did it become OK for parents to let their children make stupid decisions. If the kid is a jerk, don't let your son invite him, it's bad enough that your son is friends with the kid that bullies him, why let it happen in your home? It is YOUR home, if he can't abide by your rules he shouldn't be allowed in it...

1 mom found this helpful

Your son doesn't have a problem with his friend's behavior, hmmmmm. Have you spoken to the friend's mom to let her know what's happening at your house in your line of sight? You can't report out on what's happened at school unless you witnessed it. Let her know that the birthday invite comes with a caveat, that if her son misbehaves, starts hitting or destroying property, that you will call her and he will have to go home immediately. You need to let all the guests and your son know that these are the rules, no hitting, biting, fighting, food or liquid throwing. If anyone does this, they will be separated from the party until their parents arrive to pick them up. If several of the party participants do this, then the party comes to a halt. Have this conversation with your son well in advance of the party. 5 yr olds seem pretty young for this type of behavior, but what they're exposed to on the playground, on tv or in their individual homes you never know. Rough housing may be a way of life. I wouldn't invite anymore than 5 boys to the party, one for each year of age. Have activities that keep them busy. Enjoy!!!

1 mom found this helpful

Along with inviting his mother, YOUR HOUSE YOUR RULES! Make it known as soon as this kid walks in your door what you expect of his behavior. If he can not respect your rules, than tell him he will be asked to leave.

1 mom found this helpful

I would invite the little boys mother to your son's party. Call the mother and tell her the behavior that has happened in the past and that you and your son would really love the little boy to attend the party, he can only do so if his mother comes.

1 mom found this helpful

Hey there! I have had some issues similar to this, even though my "baby" is only 3. Our nephew has proven to be a bit of a bully, and he's growing out of it. It sounds like this mom is out of touch with the reality that her son is not just a boy, but a rude boy on the way to being out of control...see where I'm heading?
It is your son's choice, like you said, and since you have already stated that, you will suffer an unhappy kiddo if you back out now.
Why do you say 'several' other kids could have been chosen? Is it going to be just this little hellion and your boy? If so, I would make sure that his mama is present, and held accountable for every scratch, kick or bite offered as a birthday gift for your angel.
Flat out say "wow, he's sure aggressive", when he pushes your darling.
Offer to lend her your copy of "love and logics" if you want.
So, my point is that if you can get your son to choose good mates now, he'll have less of a tendency to pick awful people out in his own troubled years...don't worry too much about offending her, it's offensive when your son gets hurt.
Good luck, it's your son, but your party!!!

1 mom found this helpful

The problem is the mom. She's not disciplining him,maybe not even paying attention to his actions in a group setting.

You should never have that boy over without his mother. And if she wont' reprimand him or give him a time out, then you should, espec. if it's your house. Give her a moment to respond and if she doesn't then you should. You have to protect your child and teach him what's right behavior.

1 mom found this helpful

A., I thought that Nan's suggestion of having another adult "chaperone" this kid, not his mother, is an excellent idea. You can have a talk with your son about how he does get to decide who to invite, and that if he chooses to invite this child, you have a responsibility to make sure that child is safe and appropriate at the party, and another adult will help him do that. This can be a really good learning experience for your son. Best of luck!

This is a tough situation for you and your son. If I was in your situation and had told my daughter she could invite who whe wanted to invite to her party, I would stick to that. It certainly isn't her fault if she had a "friend" who acts like a jerk. I agree with the other people who commented saying that the mother should be there. I would not allow the child in question to attend the party without his mother or father.

As for telling a "little" lie that the boy couldn't make it for one reason or another....I'm sorry, but I think that's a terrible suggestion. When did it become okay to lie to our children? In my home, a lie is a lie. It doesn't matter if it's a "big" lie or a "little" one. There is punishment for lies. My husband and I are raising our daughter to do as I say AND do....not simply do as I say.

I wish you the best and Happy Birthday to your son! They grow up so quickly.

-M.

A.,

This is a tough situation. I would invite this troublemaker, but strongly encourage his mother, and ask a few others, to stay and help corral the kids. I would also make it clear to this mother that if her son displays the rude behavior that you have seen then you will be asking them to leave so as not to disrupt the rest of the party.

Hope this helps (and also that the party goes well),
M.

Sorry, your son has to invite somebody else. That kid and his Mother need to learn with Natural consequences. Nobody wants a brat or a bully around and he will ruin your son's party.

H.

I recently had my daughter's 7th birthday party and I told her no to 3 girl's because I volunteer at the school and she has complained about each one being mean to her. I felt totally justified because when all the kids sat down some how the conversation came around to who they don't like to play with and all the kids named these three girls a meanies. Sorry, I don't reward bad behavior. If you let this little monster come you are telling him his behavior is good with you. I don't care about his lackadasical mother's philosophy, she's a lost cause. Tell your son sorry but mom gets to have fun too as well as the final say and if that little brat is there you won't, I promise. Sometimes we have to make the right choices for our children when thay can't make the correct one on their own, that's what parents are for. This boy has already disrespected your house, son and rules he will not change.

By the way my daughter had a total blast without those girls there and so did her father and I along with the rest of the guests. It was pretty much perfection.

Oh, how awkward--- that poor kid ( I mean the underparented 6 year old ) -- I have to confess - I'd take a really hard line and do the following--- Hire a really excellent baby -sitter to 'shadow' the bully at the party -- or even a day-care person that you like --- tell them their assignment is to keep this child from taking other children's favors, from bullying other children - or from hurting himself being unruly. THEN I'd tell the Mom of the kid that you have made these arrangements because of your experiences with the boy - that you are unwilling to make your son unhappy on his birthday so her son is invited- but this is the length needed to be sure that all the children have fun. If this shames her into takeing measures - you've done an amazing thing--- but at least- the party should be fun
( you might also make it clear to the Mom that her child will be restrained from hitting, taking toys from- or interfereing with the other children and that it is possible her child will be picked up and moved from an area to prevent behavior that is not possible at a party. ) Then, if she is unwilling to give you permission to deal with her son- she may keep him home.

sigh

life is not always fair

Blessings,
J.

I would let your son invite him, and give him (the friend) loving and FIRM help at the party if he starts to misbehave. It helps all the kids to see guidance in action.
Good luck!

A.,
Don't invite that child to the party and don't EVER have him over to your home again.
Yes, boys will be boys, but they do naughty things together. We have two boys ages 5-1/2 and 8yrs, and they don't act like your son's so called friend when they are away from home. That behavior is completely UNACCEPTABLE.
His mom needs some kind of wakeup call.
That child is not your son's friend. Friends don't act like that.
Save yourself the stress and worry by not inviting him. Your son will get over it.

Take care.

This time, you need to go with it as you told him that he could invite who he wanted. Learning curve for next time. You need to have rules for your house and enforce them. For instance, you let the friend and Mom, and your son, know what the rules are and that he will have to go home if the rules are not followed.

I have an 8 year old son who I had the exact same problem with....he always seemed to choose the boys that weren't very nice, to be his buddy. It took over a year and a lot of pep-talks for my son to finally understand that he has a choice and does not have to be with people who are hurting him. We constantly compared the behavior of the "good" kids and the "bad" kids and asked him which he thought he would rather have happen to him. He now chooses the friends that make him feel good and are not hurtful to him or anyone else. It took a long time but we were consistent with it and always made a point to talk about what our expectations are for how we treat others and how we should allow them to treat us.

As for how to deal with the problem currently at hand. I agree with what some of the others are saying. Bottom line....you're the mom and it's your job to protect your son. The other boy should NOT be allowed to be around your son unsupervised...ever!! You would never willingly invite anyone into your home who would hurt your child regardless of what their age is, right??!! The boys mother will hopefully eventually see that her son is getting invited to social gatherings less and less and get the hint that she needs to take some action.

Good luck to you and stick to your amazing Mom-intuition. That's what it's there for!!

Hmmmm. That's a tough one.
I'd say let your son invite this boy, but also ask that the mother come, too.
Explain to her that you want her son to be included, that you are trying to respect your own son's wishes, but with all the other responsibilities you'll have running the party that you won't have time to keep watch over him the whole time and that you need her to come to supervise him.

Leave it up to her, at that point. If she wants her son to be included, she'll show up. If she does not, then it's on her.
Good Luck with that one.

I wouldn't invite the kid. Tell your boy that the kid doesn't follow the rules so you don't want him around. Or you could come up with some white lie like he can't come for some reason. The party could be a chance for your boy will bond with some easier kids that don't treat him poorly.

I would not let my son invite him. and of the mom asks I would let her know why in a nice way. I would also talk to my son about why he is allowing this boy to treat him like that and that he deserves to be treated in a better way. you can use this as a learning experience.

I think you need to explain to your son what the definition of a true friend is. He needs to learn the difference between a friend and a bully before it's too late.

My children (also 5) have encountered bullies. My rule is no one is allowed in my home that doesn't model behavior I want my children to copy. If we're at a playdate or a school field trip I do not hesitate to call out a child acting like a bully. I don't care if their parent is there or not. I don't buy the 'boy's will be boys' philosophy.

The mom's presence would probably make matters worse. I would talk to my son and explain to him that because "John" has (list behaviors here) in the past he isn't allowed at your home. Explain to your son that you want him to enjoy his birthday not be picked on by this other child.

C.-WAHM to
5 y/o virtual twins
Owner: http://www.BeHappierAtHome.com

Kids are kids and don't always make good decisions that's what Moms and Dads are for....so no I wouldn't invite him to a party that you spent time and money on, so he can ruin it. Since his mom has no problem with his behavior it will not change. My daughter is very forgiving and after having a friend hit, kick and be rude to her for over a year I finally said no more. I also have a friend with a child that is obnoxious and I no longer invite her to parties because she ruins them and no one wants her there, except my forgiving daughter. It's up to you to teach your child that people will treat you how you let them and he has to walk away from friends that treat him poorly.
If you want to deal with this kid and his mom then invite them to a playdate and let the mom see his behavior first hand. If he is a brat and she doesn't do anything then at least you tried.
Good luck!
-B