28 answers

What to Tell People!

I am a little frustrated! I had complications during my labor and almost died. People keeping asking me when I am having another one. I don't know if I ever will or if I do it will be a long time! If I tell people I don't know if I will they say oh yes you will or you can't have an only child! It's frustrating that people won't leave me alone and that they think they know what I went through. How could I nicely tell them to leave me the hell alone?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you all for your responses, it helped a lot! I just wish people weren't so ignorant and would just mind there own business!
I have always wanted to adopt and would love too, but I hear it is really expensive and with me not working it would be very hard for us.

Featured Answers

People ask me that question and I already have two great kids!
It's gotten to the point where I just say
"As soon as Andy can get pregnant we'll try for number 3!"

1 mom found this helpful

I only have one and am a young mom. People have asked me countless times when im going to have another. I just say: "I am not thinking about it right now." If they keep asking if I ever will, I just say "I dont know."....because I dont know. I have 15+yrs left of fertility. Anything can happen. I tell them right now Im fine with one...maybe someday I will change my mind, but right now "i dont know". Usually they stop pestering at that. This response isnt mean or lying to them.

practice being assertive. Just say, oh I'm not even thinking about that right now. Period. if they keep talking just be like yeah...I'm not even thinking about that right now...I am just enjoying her.

More Answers

People ask me that question and I already have two great kids!
It's gotten to the point where I just say
"As soon as Andy can get pregnant we'll try for number 3!"

1 mom found this helpful

Ask them why do you want to know with a smile and leave it at that.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I must say as a mother to an "Only child" those comments hurt.

Don't worry, having one child is wonderful and amazing. It allows you to truely enjoy every angle of development. If you do choose to have another, you will know that it was fate that brought about the decision not meddling, ignorant so and so's!

Congrats on the joy of Motherhood.

1 mom found this helpful

just tell them you don't want to overpopulate the world!! just kidding. you could say that you want to give all your energy into raising one amazing little girl, and not worry about spreading yourself too thin, emotionally, physically and financiallly just because someone thiinks she needs a sibling. i hope you are well now after such a scarry begining and good luck!! H.

Unfortunately, you get that question even more frequently when your kid gets older! Our son will be 3 in December, and we get that question almost weekly it seems. We are unsure about a second (probably, but finances are the issue), so we have a variety of answers depending on who's asking.
"We have a plan."
"Oh... maybe someday!"
"We're just enjoying Chase growing up right now. We're not in a rush for another one."
"We aren't sure about #2 - we got it right the first time!"
"Are you planning on financing the second one?"

Like I said, it depends on who's asking. It's frustrating. I think people mean well, but their nosiness is definitely annoying. Kids are a really personal decision, but they always seem like a very public topic!

Good luck!

K., I'm so sorry about what you went through with your daughter's birth. My first labor was a very difficult one, though not life-threatening, and it took me a long time just to get over that. I hope you're healing well, physically and emotionally.

I'm also sorry people have been so insensitive. I have very dear friends with only one child who have decided to stop there. I also have a dear friend who is working on #7. All those families work. If you want another child, that's wonderful (and adoption is a good idea too). If you don't, there are lots of good reasons to stop at one. But it's entirely up to you and your family. I think it's entirely appropriate to tell people that's a very personal question. I'm not a very private person, so if someone randomly asked me when we were going to have another, I would probably just say "not anytime soon" and leave it at that. If they started to give me a hard time about that, I would tell them it's a very personal decision and that I'm not going to question all the decisions they've made, so please respect mine.

I hope it helps and that people quit bugging you so much!

I understand EXACTLY what you're going through. I had one, and a year later, ended up with an ectopic pregnancy and didn't tell anyone about it. Now, almost 2 years after my ectopic, I'm finding out that I may not be able to have anymore children due to complications with my tubal pregnancy. People ask me all the time and everytime, I want to cry. People are so nosey and don't realise that sometimes, you want to keep some things private. I don't like to talk about my ectopic pregnancy or the fact that I probably won't be able to have anymore kids...and I certainly don't want to talk about it with some insignificant person that I don't care to discuss my inner most feelings with.

The unfortunate thing is that I don't know you will ever escape the question...people will always ask. And, if they except the fact that you have one, they will then ask,...why didn't you have more? Never mind that somepeople CAN'T have more, so for me, everytime they ask, it's rubbing it in and making me cry inside. Their asking makes me want to punch that person in the face. But, I do the polite thing and give short answers, like another reader suggested. How fast do they want to to get pregnant again..my god...she's only 6 months old. I find sarcasm works well...Tell them your plan is to have 10 kids...and see where the conversation goes...it usually shuts people up for a while and you never really have to answer the question. Good luck...and I hope you deal with it better than I do.

practice being assertive. Just say, oh I'm not even thinking about that right now. Period. if they keep talking just be like yeah...I'm not even thinking about that right now...I am just enjoying her.

I have one biological daughter, and had her quite late in life. When people would ask me, I always just said "personal decision, thanks for asking" and changed the subject.

We went the adoption route thru the state and now have our family complete to our standards. Now we get asked, why did you adopt 2 bi racial children. My answer, " because we love them both dearly."

Usually the less said the better, once you bgin a real dialog about this it just seems to lead to more and more personal questions. Answering that first question just opens the way for more, sort of gives them permission to ask.

Only you can decide how much info you want to share, but short and to the point will most often stop it.

Hi K.-
I think I would just tell people that you had a very hard pregnancy and labor so at this time you are not even thinking of when to have another child. I would then tell them that you are happy with your daughter and want to enjoy her at this time. If they still bug you about it by saying " You can't just have 1 child " respond back telling them that 1 child is just as much work as many children.
I would want them to shut up too.
Good Luck-
B. L.

Thank you for bringing up this topic. I just had a complicated delivery, and have many of the same concerns as you. It is very much too soon for us to consider having another child, but I agree, that it is totally up to you to make that decision, and no one else but you and your partner should have a say. As this is a Madison forum, I thought I would pass along a plug for a group that I have heard of since my own birth experience - Happy Bambino has a birth healing group for mothers whose experience was traumatic or otherwise difficult. This may be a way for us and other mothers in the same situation to process some of our emotions surrounding birth and how to deal with the "when are you having another?" questions. Enjoy your little one and take care of yourself!

i love the answer of "as soon as my husband can get pregnant!" i am using that one myself :)

i know where you're coming from, i am working through issues with my delivery/hospital experience right now and it takes time to heal! i have not been asked the question about #2 yet but i plan on just telling people WE will decide when WE are ready. i find people back off when i bring my husband into the picture, as sexist as that is, it seems to make a difference. also that we want to let our first baby have all of our attention until he's ready for a sibling.

i know many only children and they are really remarkable people!

hang in there.

That question seems to be asked a lot when you have an only child. You may get the urge to have another child, but you also have to take your health into consideration. And I see that she is only 6 months old, you have to enjoy your baby, while she is a baby. My daughter is 4 and I am now having my second child. They grow fast! I would just tell people who ask you, that your little girl is still a baby and you don't want to think about it right now. As far as your health, if you tell your doctor what happened the first time, which I am sure that he already knows, they will do everything they can to make the next one better for you. And every pregnant/labor is different. It has been night and day with this pregnancy and my last. Anyway, I am getting long winded now, so I will end my advice. Just tell people that you want to enjoy your baby and will worry about another one when she is older.

I would tell people, you know Im totally happy with the size of your family now. Its just the three of us and we love it. Or maybe I would tell a little lie just to get people off my back, but who knows it could be the truth........like Im not sure about having another child, the dr says Im high risk of losing my life during labor and I don't want to risk that. Have you tried those answers yet?

I don't think you need to explain yourself. I would tell people you have the one and do to complication thats it. All that needs to be said. If someone can't understand that you almost didn't make it threw, well thats pretty bad and you don't need to be wasting your time talking with these people. I probly wouldn't be having another. I would want to be around as long as I could for the one you did have. I guess bottom line is people don't need to know why your not having another or doing it soon, just tell them you have one and thats what is right for your family. :)

I too went thru a very difficult time when having my daughter and I too almost died and she was way early. Everyone keeps asking me when I am going to have another, even tho I dont think I would ever want to go thru that again and take the chance of not being so lucky the next time. But I just politely smile and tell people "I dont want to mess with perfection!" Its usually followed by a laugh and the conversation then turns to my daughter. Its an easy way to get me outta of explaing the whole situation again without making the other party feel bad.

I hope all goes well for you in the future and wish the best to you and yours.

I think there is nothing wrong with wanting one child, as well as having 6 children. This is your choice! I think they should be understanding that you don't want to experince that sort of scare again! And it's not worth trying and leaving your child now, motherless!
If you want more children, but not to have to have the labor, maybe you can think about adoption. If you do want more children.
There are plenty of children out there that need good homes!

K.,

I don't think people realize what a personal question that can be. It brings up issues of money, life choices, health issues, and your sex life! These are all incredibly personal issues. Depending on who's asking, I might respond with questions like How much money did you make last year? Was your last PAP normal? How's your sex life? Or for someone you don't want to offend too much, something like "If I answer, how many personal questions will you answer for me?" The idea would be to shock people into realizing what a personal question they're asking you and that you have no obligation to give them an answer.

By the way, I'm an only child. I'm living proof you can have just one :) Good luck.

K.,
I know exactly how you feel. We are only having one, not out of a difficult labor or anything, one is just all we want. I feel like in this day in age, people actually understand women who want no children better than understand a family who only wants one. We were being asked before our daughter had even turned one! I can appreciate some of the snipier posts, I really enjoyed them, but in all honesty, you probably wont say some of those things to people. I simply say that my family is complete right now. If you want to drive a nail home, you can always add "Is it not complete enough for you?" but usually the comment alone gets people to shut up. I'm sorry to hear of your situation, hope all is well.
S.

I would say "That is a personal question," and leave it at that.

These are great responses. I just wanted to say I feel for you because people can be so rude and far too nosy for their own good. Why do people want to know?? When you don't have any, they hound you. When you have one, they want to know when you plan a sibling, and so on. You don't owe anyone any explanations either nor should you have to defend your decisions. I often just gloss over the comments and redirect conversation elsewhere. I try not to give details as I am very very private. Or if someone is asking something you can say with a smile "inquiring minds want to know" (or any of the other ones others have suggested and then just be prepared to change the subject. Your body, you business. GL!!!

Hi K.--
I'm in the same situation, had very serious complications with my daughter and almost died from them. When people ask me, I try to explain the situation if I know them, otherwise, I just make a joke about enjoying sleep and change the subject (neither of these are great solutions - I know)! Just remember, it's your decision for whats best for you and your family!
Best of luck,
A.

be honest and tell people straight out. There is nothing wrong with just one child. I had problems with both my labors and each one got worse. We stopped after two. If we decide for more there is always adoption.

You should consider fostering and then adopting. My husband's cousin has adopted two children and I'm pretty sure they pay her to do so. I know she fostered them for a couple of years and then legally adopted them, eventually.

K.,
I am sorry about your experience, it sounds like it was terrible. I am glad that you and your baby are ok. I didn't experience your exact situation but I had a rough pregnancy with my first daughter and she was born 6 1/2 weeks early and she was very sick and had to stay in the NICU for a few weeks. Everyone kept telling me and my husband it was a "fluke" and our next child would be born full term. I was bery traumatized by the situation and was in no hurry to have a 2nd child. I told people I didn't know when or if we would have another and I tried to change the subject. When I did get pregnant the 2nd time I had a miscarriage, again I was devasted and wasn't sure what to do. When I became pregant with our 2nd daughter I was very nervous. I had to go on bedrest and she was born 5 weeks early and spent 10 days in the NICU. I am now pregnant again and I am due in the spring. This will be our last child. Can you believe my mother-n-law is talking about #4?? I quickly put her in her place and she has not brought the subject up again. My point is people are rude. They shouldn't be asking you about baby #2 when baby #1 is only 6 mos.old. Frankly, they shouldn't ask anything like that at all. I don't think you need to worry about being nice. I wonder what they would say if you said, " I almost died the last time and my doctor doesn't think it would be a good idea to have more children, it would put my life in danger." Sometimes rude people need to be embarrassed so they will shut up. Try not to worry what others think. I know it is hard. Good luck.

A little about me: SAHM of 2 girls, 4 and 16 mos. Expecting baby#3 in the spring. I have a nursing degree but love staying home with my girls!

as them if you appear to them as a walking incubator...

how rude of people...

My answer isn't going to be as nice as the other moms, because I'm right there with you, only on the other end. I'm planning on having a large family, and everyone's telling me I'll never have more than these three because I'll "come to my senses".

Quite frankly, it's your life, your body, your family. If the same people keep asking you repeatedly, tell them to piss off. If it's someone's first time asking you, just say that 6 months is a little soon to be thinking about that, you want to enjoy these beautiful years with your daughter before becoming pregnant again.

Or like the other mom said, there's always adoption (I was adopted). There's so many kids out there needing a good loving home, if that's something you'd like to do, throw that into the mix and give them something else to think about.

I only have one and am a young mom. People have asked me countless times when im going to have another. I just say: "I am not thinking about it right now." If they keep asking if I ever will, I just say "I dont know."....because I dont know. I have 15+yrs left of fertility. Anything can happen. I tell them right now Im fine with one...maybe someday I will change my mind, but right now "i dont know". Usually they stop pestering at that. This response isnt mean or lying to them.

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