What to Say?

First of all,
Will she ever be able to have children. I had fertility issues and now I'm a mama to a wonderfull lil boy (9 months old). I went through many emotions. I want to help you, but first......will she ever be able to conceive, or is it certain she will never conceive?

I have infertility issues for years... So, I have been in your friend's shoes. First, I will tell you things NOT to say...
1.Don't worry, it will happen (it may not - don't say this)
2. If you just relax (or go on vacation, or stop trying so hard), it will happen
3. You can always adopt
4. If its meant to be, it will happen (or God's will)
5. My kids are crazy, you can have one of them (like a joke)
6. If you adopt, you'll probably get pregnant.. I know a cousin who that happened to...

Things to say:
Not everyday- but occasionally ask her how are things going... be supportive. Let her know, even if she doesn't want to talk about it... that you are there if she does. Tell her you are thinking/ praying for her.

Statistically, if she has been trying for at least a year without success, then she does have infertility problems which affects 10% of couples. So, don't discount her sadness.

Being a mother is an innate desire in most women. Not being able to conceive & give birth to your own biological child makes many women feel incomplete and a failure as a woman. Even if she does decide to adopt, one has to give up their dream of being pregnant and giving birth to their own child and mourn for this loss. Please don't bring up adoption unless she brings it up first- some people adopt, some don't. I know many couples who didn't adopt b/c the husband didn't want to.

Personally, I have one biological child through IVF. We are currently waiting to adopt a child.

T.
____@____.com

Just be there for her. Hug her. Love her.

P.S.
I study herbalism, and in my women's health class yesterday, infertility was the topic. While traditional medicine might not have the "answers" for this, herbal medicine often does, depending on the "reason". Brittney at Desert Sage Herbs in Chandler has helped others. I recommend that route, and much much cheaper and always safe! And not discouraging, but empowering! You might want to pass this info on. Just because one group of people say there is "no cure", doesn't mean there isn't. Try the Holistic approach!

There is no secret in what to say, but there are some things not to say. My husband and I could not get pregnant naturally and we had a few friends in the same situation too. We chose IVF and it worked. Each of us were different in what our emotional needs were and how open we were about our circumstance. Some of us talked openly about our infertility while others were very guarded. As many of the posters stated, the best thing you can do is listen and support her.

A few of the women who posted a response to you suggested that you mention adoption - DO NOT DO THIS unless she mentions it first. Almost every woman I've met that has dealt with infertility hates it when people mention the "adoption" word. Until she's ready, don't mention it. This is not because adoption is a bad thing, but because a woman and her spouse have to get to the point where they are ready emotionally to consider adoption as an alternative to building their family. For those who are able to conceive naturally, think about how you would feel if your children were taken away from you and you could not longer get pregnant and then someone said "don't worry, you can just adopt."

Don't tread so lightly that you are unable to be a supportive friend, but I caution you to think about what you are saying. Before you make a comment, consider how you would feel if someone said to you what you are about to say to your friend.

During my infertility my most supportive friends were those with children! Hopefully she doesn't turn you away because you have a child.

I had a similar situation with a dear, dear friend who had been trying to conceive for a couple of years when I got pregnant with my son. We live in different states, and I just didn't know how to tell her that I was pregnant, knowing that she had been trying for so long. When I did finally tell her, I also told her how hard it was for me to tell her knowing what she was going through. Just putting it out there, helped us to talk through issues. Sometimes she was very interested in talking to me about my pregnancy and then my child and other times she needed to distance herself. Because we had talked, I understood and she knew I was more than ready to listen anytime she wanted to talk about her conceiving issues.

Just let your friend know that you've been thinking about what she told you and that you care about her and want to listen if she ever wants to talk about it.

PS - My friend now has a six month old daughter who is beautiful and healthy - and my friend is 40. Anything can happen - I wish the best for your friend and her husband.

dont worry your baby will be fine! I was induced with my first child 3 weeks early due to toxemia I was told by the doctors per the sonogram and the specialists it looked like my daughter only weighed 4lbs but when i delivered she weighed 5lbs! She was healthy lungs where fine so dont worry

I don't think you have to SAY anything! Just be there. If you really care, let her know that you can listen without saying anything. Just listen. Everyone always thinks words will cure it. They don't! Just listen . . . not just with your ears, with your heart. Keep your mouth shut and just be there. Words don't solve this. A kind supportive non-judgemental, caring friend does help. A hug isn't always the answer either. It depends on what kind of person they are. Just listen with your heart and just be there for her when she needs you. Her age does not change anything. JUST LISTEN!

I recently had a miscarriage and told my best friend what happened, but was not really up to discussing it at any length. A couple days later she left some flowers at my door with a card about friendship and wrote that she just wanted me to know she was thinking of me. It was so nice because I knew she cared and was there for me if I needed her even though it didn't force me to talk about anything I wasn't ready to. She is such an awesome friend. I think I will keep her :) Anyway, maybe you could do something similar for your friend.

Having been through infertility and several miscarriages after I had my son, I've learned there is nothing you can say except that you are there for her if she ever wants to talk. If she's anything like me, she'll be angry and go through the grief process as with any other loss. (I realize that I am blessed to have had my son; that doesn't mean I don't grieve for not having another.)Be aware that she may not want to hang out with you for a while because of the heartache she feels seeing you as a mom when she is not one. I had a really hard time being with my friends who were pregnant with their second or had just given birth to a second child when we were losing hope of having another. Eventually, I hope, she'll find other ways to fulfill her mothering destiny (we are adopting a second child). However, she needs to get to that place on her own...suggesting adoption will probably not make her feel any better.

L., I had the same with my cousin and her husband they tried for 5 years and lost 6 preagancies, Whe nI got preagant I felt guilty but she was supportive. She can never have babies. So she adopted it was a crazy adoption almost lost him but now he is 2 and they are very happy. The best you can do is be supportive. Talk. To not talk just eats you up and maybe she doesnt say anything cause she doesnt want to burden you. Just tell her you will help her through it and adoption is just as wonderful because a mom is the one that sacrifices, loves and puts in the hard work and time. Its not about whos womb they satyed in for 9 months.Check into it with her. In the end when she has a baby in her arms she will forget all the bad. They have that affect-babies.

Dear L. A,

What I am about to say is just for you, not for your friend. It is very sweet that you are concerned about how to support your friend. In these cases, we need to understand what frustration is, "to keep wanting unrealistic expectations." Once we understand this, we need to accept reality. Once we accept reality, we start coming up with a plan about how to deal with it.

This is the point where you are at right now, however, your friend is a step or two behind. She still needs to accept reality and come up with a plan to cope.

As a friend you, can call her a couple times a week to ask how she feels. This will show her support. In one of those conversations, you might want to suggest to adopt a baby. Adoption is such a noble act of kindness as it gives the opportunity for a baby to have a normal life within family bonds.

Trust me, even with my own kids, I have had problems with anxiety disorders with one of them. I know how important it is to raise kids properly and be able to discipline them and love them at the same time. Adoption must not be taken lightly. If your friend and her husband decide to go that route, they should take their time to choose the baby they will adopt and prepare themselves to be ready for this special baby that will join their home.

The preparation for being a parent will give your friend hope and she will be able to see life in a different way instead of focusing in failure as she may feel at this moment. Things like this happen to us in life. We need to learn and get the most out of the experience instead.

Hope this helps. Thanks for being such a good friend!

Wow, this is a really hard situation. Your friend is really going to greive this loss of opportunity, and unfortunately you may not be the one she needs to go to for this. I have a family member who cannot have children, and it is a tense situation. I have tried to let him know he can talk to me, but I think he sees my family and may feel a little resentment, which I can't say I wouldn't in the same situation. This may be something you all experience if you share the joys of your little one to her, it may be painful for her. I hope not, but it may. I hope she finds someone to talk to and I think a letter or card, so she can read it, cry by herself, and know you are there, that says just what you ended your request above with "I don't know what she's feeling, but I want her to know that I am there for her even though it's something that we can't talk about right now" would let her feel your support. She may really need to talk to someone going through the same thing to truly find someone she can release to, you may just not be that person since you haven't experienced this. She may need you to understand that and not take offense, too. This is just my thoughts, there is no answer, I guess, just an idea here. You are all in my prayers.

Hi Liz -

One of the things that most allopathic doctors don't take into consideration is the balance of hormones in the body. Their inability to conceive may be a nutrition problem. Would they consider seeing an herbalist to return balance to their bodies? I would be happy to give you referral information if you would like to contact me directly.

M. M. Ernsberger

Oh L. - this is such a hard thing. For you AND for your friend.

I tried for 6.5 years before I got pregnant - had to use hormones. So, I totally understand your friend's pain. So, my advice will come from my experience.

You don't mention what your friend's problem is or if it is something that is fixable. But, that really isn't important. What is important is that you are willing to let her cry on your shoulder, when she needs to.

My suggestion is to talk with her. Don't talk around "the issue" - just talk. My mother was one of those "as soon as he drops his drawers, I'm pregnant" kinda girls - and my sister seems to be one, too. But, my Mom was always asking questions - she wanted to know what was going on; she was interested. That is the biggest thing.

You don't have to go to your friend right now and start talking about things. But maybe in a few days or so you could begin to ask questions about the problem or ask if she's thought about fostering or adopting. Ask her what you can do for her. You never know unless you ask, and asking and listening to her are honestly the biggest, best things you can do.

Those are my suggestions. They don't seem to be earth shattering to me, they actually are pretty simple, little things - but they make a world of difference.

I was married 13 years(no birth control) before I had my daughter, I had surgerys, taken drugs, tests, you name it I started fertility when I was 23 on had my daughter at 33, so I will tell you it is tiring mentally and physically, and sometimes you need a break. We tried again after my daughter and after 5 iui, it didn't work, I told my husband I couldn't do it anymore (insurance ran out too) But hear I am 36 and going try again. I don't know her problems but she is not alone there are many of us and don't give up, take a break nothing is set in stone, every year there are advancements in fertility. Also she can talk to the office manager about costs and her concerns, sometimes it is negotiable (sp?). There are also support groups out there you can learn alot from others, I will tell you I have seen alot of people give up to soon. A.

I have a friend that is also facing infertility. She has created a blog that has just the information you are looking for. You can check her out at www.blessedarethebarren.blogspot.com. It might be a good resource to refer your friend to as well. From what it sounds like, you did exactly the right thing. There are no words you can say that can take this loss away from her. Just being there to cry with her says lots.