October 03, 2009,
K.D. asks from Roy, UT on September 30, 2009
What to Really Expect When I Miscarry at 14 Weeks
Moms, I am really in need of some information here. I went to my 13 week appointment on Monday and we could not find a heartbeat on the ultrasound anymore (we saw it at the 9 week check-up). The doctor thinks from the measurements of the baby that it actually died about 2 weeks ago. Here it is Wednesday and my body has still not figured out that it is no longer a viable pregnancy, meaning I have no symptoms of miscarriage. Has anyone else lost a baby at this point of pregnancy? I am scared to see the baby come out. Will I even see it? I would kind of like to know if it was a boy or girl so that we can give it a name, I think that would help with closure. Is that possible at this point? Is the pain, cramping and bleeding really bad? This would have been my 5th child and I didn't have any other complications with my other 4. I am really in shock and despair right now as this was supposed to be my last child/pregnancy. Now I don't know what to do. Please help me to know what to expect...
C.S. answers from Denver on October 01, 2009
Just wanted to tell you that I am truly sorry for your loss. I experienced a miscarriage as well but probably much earlier on as they could not detect a heartbeat at what should have been my 7 week mark. I also never naturally miscarried and decided to have a D&C. Time did heal and eventually we were able to conceive another healthy little girl. I think only you and your partner will know what is the best way to help heal. So do whatever you need to and enjoy the fact that you have 4 other children to love.
J.R. answers from Denver on October 01, 2009
I'm so sorry for you loss. I lost my third pregnancy at about 13 weeks, the baby was about 10 weeks. I miscarried at home. The whose process took about 3 days from when I started spotting. Even though my midwives kept telling me I would have cramping, I had labor. Not as hard as a full term baby, but rhythmic, regular, building contractions. Is it painful? I didn't find it as physically painful as it was emotionally devastating. At that point you probably will not see the baby, but you will pass the placenta. The only way to know the sex would be to have testing done on the tissue (usually only done if the Dr feels like there is a reason to do genetic testing). If your body is determined to stay pregnant, you may need to have a D&C to prevent infection.
It was a very sad, emotionally devastating time for me. It took me a while to work thru things. I made a memory box for my angel and kept a journal. I still write in the journal to my angel on that day and his due date (my miscarriage was 5 years ago).
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please email me if I can help you thru this in some way.
S.W. answers from Pocatello on October 01, 2009
I have had 2 miscarriages, mine were a couple weeks earlier than yours so your will be a bit worse because there will be more tissue to expel. Expect to have the worst period of your life. Lots of cramping, lots of ibuprofen and a hot water bottle. I would actually ask to have a D&C, it would probably be safer since the baby is measuring 2 weeks smaller than you are pregnant. It would decrease your chances of excess bleeding and infection too. I don't know that there is ever anything that anyone can say to make you feel better through this process, but at least know that there are lots of us who have been through it and share your pain. I am truly sorry for your loss. Wishing you strength and healing.
Also a mom of 4
K.D. answers from Salt Lake City on October 01, 2009
K. i have had five early miscarraiges the latest was at 12 weeks and they told me the same thing they told you that the baby had died for me 4 weeks before and i had to have a d and c. i also self miscarried at 11 weeks. i have found that naming the baby makes things easier. since we didnt know the gender we used names that are unisex. like konner, alyx, charlie, tanner we knew was a boy, and tayler. and when people ask how many kids we have i tell them two boys and five angels.be patient with people who are trying to comfort you they really are trying the best that they can and dont know how else to help. some think you need to go through the greiving process but that is for you to decide, you and your family handle this the best you can. sorry to hear about this. best wishes. sincerly K.
S.S. answers from Provo on October 01, 2009
K., I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I had that happen with my 7th at the same time frame. I was devastated about it, too. I had a dream I had lost my baby, and the next day started spotting. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. I didn't start the delivery process until Sunday, and the bleeding started on Thursday. It felt like a bad period, and the aftermath was like a period bleeding-wise. Remember I am telling you what happened to me. I held my perfect baby after it was born. At that age, there is no real telling if it is a male or female, but they did an autopsy at my request and discovered I had had a son.
I was very depressed for a couple of months after, but that was me.
I wish I could say some magic word to make you feel better. Nature will have to run its course, and you will need your husband's love and support to get you through. You will be in my prayers. I'm so sorry!
L.E. answers from Salt Lake City on October 02, 2009
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby at 22 weeks a year ago. The best advice I can give you is to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. It may help you to look up what a 9 week old baby looks like to help you decide whether you would want to see your baby or hold it. If you would like to talk to someone who has experienced this same loss please feel free to contact Salt Lake Share which is the support group for pregnancy and infant loss here in the south end of the valley. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
My grief counselor told me to take some time each day to honor my baby. It really helped to know I had some time each day to think about my baby and that I could still honor his memory while meeting the needs of my little one at home.
B.W. answers from Pocatello on September 30, 2009
I had to have a D&C at 13.5 weeks. There is bleeding. about normal for a period, would be more if they don't do a d&c, I can't imagine they won't do one for you. Your body can go weeks without doing anything, and that is just not safe(IMO). You can name you baby if it helps you. I didn't. Cramping is also probably going to happen with or without the d&c. Good Luck to you. HUGS
C.H. answers from Salt Lake City on October 01, 2009
I am really very sorry for what you are going through and about to go through. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and it was really difficult for me. I went in for a check up to also find no heartbeat and they told me it looked like the baby had stopped growing a couple weeks sooner. By that evening I started to loose the baby. I remember it actually feeling like labor not just cramps. I dont think I could deal with it emotionally which made it even harder physically and ended up having a D&C. We did not give our baby a name or see it. I dont even know if I lost the baby at home or if it was at the hospital or if because of the size of the baby they would have even known. The baby still has a special place in my heart. At the hospital we received a packet about how they dispose of the lost tissue at a memorial garden and gave us the location so if we needed to connect our loss to something it would make it a little easier. Everyone was very thoughtful through the whole process. Again I am sorry for what you are going through and know that nothing else could be said better than, I am sorry. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
J.B. answers from Salt Lake City on October 01, 2009
I am so sorry. My younger sister has been trying to have a second child. She miscarried right away and then tried again later. She carried the next for 18 weeks. She had to deliver the baby. She didn't talk much about it, but it was very hard. She did ask to hold the baby. It was even harder because she wanted a girl and the baby was a girl. It did have problems, they knew this. She was about to have an amnio before this all happened. It was a hard thing and she kept everything to herself and was very sad for a long time. She is doing much better and is ready to try again. I will let you know-the baby will not look like a baby if you do have to deliver. They will give you a choice if you want to see it or not. They didn't give her a name, but they did get a picture and the blanket my sister held her in. Man this is an emotional thing just writing this and I am so sorry you have to go through this. I hope for the best and that you can have an ease through this process.
R.W. answers from Grand Junction on October 01, 2009
I too am very sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage earlier this year and it is a very sad situation. I was about 11 weeks. There is a lot of information from others already, so I will not go into it too much. But, I wanted to warn you about DC. Please look into it on the internet and ask around before you have that procedure done. I had mine the old fashioned way, at home. I did have tissue and saw the fetus. It is traumatic, but either way, it is a traumatic event in your life. Then I had bleeding and tissue off and on for about a month, but nothing that resembled hemorrhaging. Anyway, make educated decisions about DC. It definitely was not for me, but everyone is different. Best of luck and a lot of love to you.
K.M. answers from Denver on October 02, 2009
I didn't have a lot of cramping just a lot of gushing. It is so sad and I am sorry, I know that it feels like you already knew the baby. I don't know if you would be able to tell there is quite a bit of blood, especially if it was in week 11 when the heart stopped. The DNC wasnt all that great either but the bleeding was less. I have unfortunately had several miscarriages so I had those feelings too of being scared. That is why I chose the DNC the other times. Again I am so sorry, talk to your doctor about your options.
M.R. answers from Grand Junction on October 01, 2009
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't help you with what to expect, but your post brought tears to my eyes. You are in my thoughts and prayers. May this go as easily for you as possible. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now.
L.W. answers from Denver on October 02, 2009
Hi K.. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I lost a baby in the same way, at 12 weeks of pregnancy. My doctor sent me for a D&C. One thing to note is that she was very particular about where to send me--she made me go out of network just so she could feel confident in the doctor performing the procedure, that it wouldn't harm my fertility in any way, so that's something to watch out for if you go for the D&C. Another thing is that if you do the D&C, you might find, as I did, that the office performing it also performs abortions. It was a weird and difficult experience for me in that other women were there voluntarily giving up their children while I would have given anything to have my baby be alive and well. This is not a comment on the abortion issue, just an emotional reaction at a difficult moment in my life. No matter what, this is hard. Reach out to your support system, pray, and don't forget to ask your doctor questions and advocate for yourself. Good luck!
T.F. answers from Billings on October 01, 2009
I had two misscarriages in a row- 4 months apart. Many have written about what to expect, so I will not go into that. My last misscarriage, I did not name the baby, but I did ask for it to be taken and cremated. The hospital did that for no charge and I was able to pick up the ashes later. I waited a few months (until I was emotionally ready) and spread them with our family on Mothers Day on our property. My children made a cross and we planted flowers. I had 4 other children at the time. I still yearned for, missed, and felt empty at the loss of that baby. I have a strong faith in God and I knew that some day I will see that baby and the other one again. It did not matter that I had other children, I still grieved for the loss of each one. Yes, your children will help you move on, they will smile at you, make you laugh, make you cry, make you want to pull your hair out ; ) ect.. They will make you want to live!!! Others might not understand your grief. I journaled and got out all of the feelings that were so intense they were hard to express to anyone else sometimes- even my husband who loves me and was there for me. Hang in there, allow yourself to go through it and feel what you feel, and when the time comes you will begin to heal inside your heart. We ended up becoming pregnant later on that year in Dec, and had a beautiful little girl whose middle name is "Faith" . For it took faith for me to try again and hope.... Love to you.
C.K. answers from Colorado Springs on October 01, 2009
K., I am so sorry for what you are going through. I miscarried at 16 weeks, so although I know babies change so much during that time, I wouldn't think the differences would be too drastic. I didn't have a lot of pain, my water did break...I didn't know at the time that was it though. I was at home when it happened, it was unexpected because two days before I was listening to his heart beat. I was rushed to the emergency room where they did a D&C. I would think you will have to have that as well. I saw my baby when he came out, but that was it. At the hospital the nurses asked me several times if I would like to see him...and my biggest regret in life, I said no. I was in major shock and grief over what had happened. Speaking to a nurse afterwards, she said she would have wrapped him in a little cloth napkin to bring him to me. They were able to tell the sex, and they said he had 10 fingers, 10 toes, had no deformities, just looked like a very little, normal baby. I found it extremely helpful to name him. It never occurred to me not to, because he was a real baby, and my child. I don't know what the laws in Colorado are, but in the state I miscarried, I had the right to give my baby a proper burial. I didn't know that at the time either. But I did have a memorial service for him. You should be able to talk to the doctors or nurses to find out what your rights are after you miscarry. I am so sorry. The emotional part of all this will be harder than the physical part. Give yourself time to grieve. I got involved with a group SHARE www.nationalshare.org after my miscarriage and it helped tremendously. You may want to check out their website as they have a ton of information. My heart goes out to you.
M.M. answers from Denver on October 01, 2009
Oh K.... I'm terribly sorry to hear that you're going through this. I miscarried at 14 weeks as well. Unfortunately it wasn't my only miscarriage. I had three more. One at 12 weeks, one at 8 and one at 6. My experience with the 14 week one was this:
Yes, it was painful. Really painful. I would highly recommend that you get some pain medication from your Dr. in anticipation. Particularly if he/she isn't planning to have you in for a D&C. Your doc should have no problem with this.
Sometimes it can take more than 24 hours to fully miscarry. This means that it can come in stages. The bleeding will be pretty heavy but if you find that you're soaking a pad in an hour or less, call your doc. This could mean that you're hemorrhaging.
At this advanced stage it is not uncommon to see fetal tissue. I can't offer you any advice about handling the emotion of this except to say that it can be very intense and something you will likely never forget. Mine was over five years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. This is something no woman should ever have to experience but that sadly so many do. It's awful and there's no easy way to put that. :(
Some things I've found that helped me: A hot bath (particularly during the most painful time), a heating pad, pain medication, and lots of understanding support.
The pain should subside a great deal after the fetal tissue is passed. So you'll know when things start amping up that it's nearly over. :(
I'm heartsick for you and offer lots of love and support from one woman to another.
Of note: I'm also a doula and work in the labor and delivery dept of a local hospital. If there's anything I can do to help, please don't hesitate to message me.
Hugs - M.
L.F. answers from Casper on October 03, 2009
I cannot tell you what a miscarrige will be like, but I can tell you that this happened to me. I found out that my baby had no heartbeat, but my body did not know. My uterus was growing, I was having nasuea and everything was progressing... except the baby. I ended up having to have a D&C done, which may have been easier than miscarrying, I don't know. We never did find out the sex of the baby, it had died just too small. I hope this helps (or I hope this does not hurt...)