What to Do with Step Child!

I grew up as a step daughter. I can tell you that every weekend with my dad I wanted his undivided attention...no matter who else was there. I had a wonderful loving mother and no need for another woman in my father's life. She was patient and kept trying to be my second mother, which only mad me like her less, but eventually I came to realize that she was part of my father's life and she would always be there. I now have a family of my own and she and I are friends.
I remember she tried to get me involved in the things she was doing, like cooking or gardening or decorating for the new baby. This helped me to understand that she was more than just another person in my father's life, but also a perosn in her own right.
My father did not cater to me the was it sounds like your fiance caters to her daughter. You will need to get him to see the way he is setting up her disrespect for you by not correcting her. I imagine he will see it more once the new little one has arrived, but it is up to you to get him to see if before hand. You might try getting friends to come over for dinner (some of his friends, as he will believe them before hearing your girlfriends). When they see how he/she reacts. Or try an outting with friends, maybe a couple that also has children to see how she acts, this way it will not be you against her or him, but an outside person telling him what they see happening.
Good luck and remember patience, eventually she will grow up enough to have adult conversations.

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My parents divorced when I was 5 and I NEVER acted this way to my step-mother. My dad loved me a TON and still would have not allowed me to act this way towards anyone, especially to my step-mother. He is doing her no favors by allowing her to act this way. It's teaching her to act rudely to get her ways, no matter who she has to hurt. If he loves you and respects you, he won't let this continue. If he loves her, he will teach her how to treat others with respect and the same love that she deserves in return. He'll regret not stopping this behavior and teaching her that it's not acceptable when she has behavior problems at school and elsewhere. It will carry over to other areas in her life. My parents taught me to love and treat others well, yes even step-parents... and I have the best step-parents in the world. They have always introduced me as their daughter. This is what he should want for her and she needs to be told. This will help to build her family as long as she lives and make it stronger.

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Kay D had a good sound response to your situation as did so many others. Kay D's caught my eye because she put in words what I felt the instant I read your request. I became the mom to a 9 year old boy, we don't believe in steps. He played both of us against each other for some time then I was the one that put my foot down. I told our son in front of his dad that these are the rules of the house and family and he will live by them. My son and I spent a lot of time together, we shopped together, he would help me with grocery shopping and we'd sneak in some cool treats to share later. We used to take off once in a while and go see a movie together. My son would pay for the tickets, he felt like he was taking me on a date. I fell in love with my little boy as any mom would. Most folks thought I was his birthmom. Today my son is a soldier and will soon be married.

A., remove the step first thing and find things to do with the little girl. Heck, throw a tea party with her, go girly shopping and go out on a girly date with her to the movies. Take her to a maternity shop and baby shop and let her select a nice outfit for the soon to arrive baby, this will make her feel connected to you and the baby.

As for dad, well don't take me literally but I'd show that man a cast iron skillet. I'm a southern gal and we get our point across at times in the most unusual ways LOL.

J. Blue Star Mom and Proud Army Mom

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At 7 years old, she knows what she is doing and she is old enough to understand a conversation among the 3 of you explaining the love you and your fiance have for each other as well as the love each of you has for her and how they are different. She may not be completely "aware" but she still needs to be told, and she will eventually get the concept and realize that you are not in competition with her - your are there to help take care of her and her dad. She needs to learn about "respect" which does not include yelling "dad" over and over or jumping between the two of you and turning her back to you...that is disrespectful and should not be allowed regardless of the circumstances. It is important that the 3 of you spend time doing something enjoyable as a family as well as individually with her. She is probably just having a hard time adjusting but she will only get better through constant communication, love and support from you and your fiance. You do need to get your fiance on the same page or this will only escalate. He needs to be compassionate of your feelings too - assuiming you are "sharing" him with his daughter. Good luck! Communication is key!

A.,
Being a step-parent is hard no matter what, and with situations like this it is even more difficult. I too am a step-parent and so is my husband. We have been together since "our" youngest, now 10 was 8 months old, "our" Middle child now 11, was 18 months old, and "our" oldest now 12, was 26 months old. With them, even though this is all they have known, have been able to cause some problems. "Our" middle child which is the only child my husband has biologically, has caused us great misery. He has always wanted it to be just him and daddy and has voiced his opinion on it several times. I have raised him since we have been together, because his mother lost her rights for an incident that she done to him eight months after my husband and I got together. So, for him this has been his way of life. He sees her four times a year under supervision, and she has just started doing this in the past two years. I have great concerns for you on this, your soon-to-be needs to correct this matter. I understand the transition and all, but also letting this matter go unattened will only make you miserable. You and your fiance need to come to some type of terms that both can agree on. If you plan to spend the rest of your life together this is a matter that is serious. It can not be one way for one child as they get older and another way for the new baby. There has to be boundaries. She hasn't known this way of life since she was very young as "ours" did and even with that, "ours" still brought problems to the table that had to be corrected immediatly. The longer her behavior is allowed, the longer you will suffer. Your soon-to-be should listen to you and know that you are not attacking her. I agree that all children need one on one time with each parent and we practice that with our children, but at the same time, she needs some correction on her behavior. I do not see where her respect for you or her daddy (for that matter) is in order. Each parent is different, but to me, this says she runs the house, not the parent(s). If this continues on the path it's headed down, oneday it could cause seperation or even divorce. My husband and I went through a seperation over children, they are not dumb, children know how to play cards to get what they want, and they do it, it does happen. Our children have managed it. They saw oppurtunity and took it, however, my husband and I wisened up and stand beside one another now when it comes to "our" children and have corrected the problem(s) together. I strongly suggest that the two of you have a "Heart-to-Heart", as my husband puts it. You have to listen to one another and speak your TRUE feelings no matter what you think the other whats to hear. Once you both come to agreements, you both need to talk to the child about it and set the boundaries that are agreed upon. I hope this helps you and that you can find peace in this situation.
I wish you all best,
C.

P.S. If you have any further questions or need to talk, please feel free to contact me by email.

Hi A., I am a Step mom too. I came into the picture when my step daughter was only 8, we were just engaged at the time too, and planning the very fast upcoming wedding. It's difficult to be in your situation. I hate to tell you this, but just let it slide for a while as to the little girl this is all new for her. She just found out about you then bam your pregnant too. My step daughter that I was "stealing" daddy away from her, she grew out of it. She's only 12 now, lives with her mom in another state has 2 younger siblings. When I got pregnant with my first child, she did the same thing thought I was "stealing" daddy away. When she would come to visit I thought she hated me because the way she treated me or the way she acted towards me, we sat her down and told her hey this is unacceptable, etc... She now treats me the way she should treat me and respects me. It takes time. I wish you luck. I hope I helped you a little bit in sharing my own experience with you.

I have 2 step-children as well as my own child. My husband and I dated for 3 1/2 years before we were married. I never really understood his feelings for this 2 boys until I had a child of my own. My step-sons are 8 and 6 and they demand alot of attention from their dad. I am not sure what it is but they will bypass me in order to ask him a question. You will have to gain her trust and allow her to realize on her own that she can trust you. This will take time. Your husband need to make sure he allows you to spend time with her. That is the way to build the trust. At the same time you and your husband need to be on the same team. You both need to set rules and make her go by them. I think it is a struggle for dad with children from other marriages to be in a new marriage and having another child. They are not wired the same as we are and they have difficulty spending time with all parties (kid, wife, new baby). You just need to give it some time and have a family meeting if you need to to set the rules and expectations. Good luck!

A., I am sorry for your problems. An outsider can clearly see the problem....daughter has dad trained really well. I know he has the best intentions for his daughter, but there is someone else in the house....."you". And soon there will be another child. Unfortunately, he has to be the one to take charge and change. Sleeping next to her bed....that's taking parenting "way off the charts". This isn't going to get any better until he opens his eyes to your needs too. I have 3 step children, but the youngest was 12 when she came to live with us. We had problems until she was 18. After she moved out of the house, we became friends. I have a great relationship with all 3 now. Maybe counseling (for him and you) would help. He needs some help opening his eyes to what's going on. It is very sad to see a 7 year old child manipulating a parent in this way. I know he loves her very much by the description, but he is doing her (and you) a disservice.

Answer to your question "Dad has to Change". The problem is the "dad", not the child.

Good luck.
L. M

Are you going to be jealous of the attention your new baby gets when he/she arrives? If the answer is yes, then grow up quick. If the answer is no, then that's a good start for you to be more understanding about your step-daughter and her daddy's relationship. Think about being seven and your whole world changing and not having any control over it. I experienced first-hand my mom's struggle with my step-dad's relationship with his children. We're all grown-up now and out of the house with kids of our own and she still throws a fit and complains when he visits his grand-children or when they come visit us. My suggestions is to never argue over something like this, but to put youself in each of thier places and think about how hard it must be to be a little girl worried about losing her daddy and how defensive and protective he must feel about her. You'll feel just like he does when your little one arrives.

A., There is some good information out there for step parents. One of my favorite is John Rosemond. He discusses parenting but also includes a lot of information for step-parents. A lot of it will help your husband deal with this situation...The website is

http://rosemond.com/index.php?action=website-view&Web...

I also have some information that I could email you directly. e-mail me directly and send me your email and I can forward.

Hope it helps!

You may be attacking her....her bad behavior! Dad apparently doesn't mind being manipulated and there is absolutely nothing you can do about that, he is the only one that can fix that. Blending families is hard and as the children are older it is difficult for someone in your position to 'understand'. I guess this Mamasource is for advice so here goes. As someone who is going to be in this little girls life.....bond with her. Try coloring, cuddling, walking, any type of playing and physical bonding you can. Nap time is also a good way to bond with a young child - she needs to feel as important to you as she does to Daddy. Physical bonding is a hard thing to understand, especially for step-parents. Do girlfriend things too....getting your hair and nails done at a beauty college or something - anything - that Daddy doesn't really need to be involved in. Just a suggestions but I sure understand and I don't know what part the girls mother is playing in her life this would be a great way for you and her to get closer...which will help with the territorial issues and help her be a better sister when the baby comes. So there should be things for her and Dad to do, you and her to do, and the three of you together to do. And she is just a little girl and her life i being dictated to by adults.....I'm sure she's just feeling really needy but Daddy and you both need to reassure her....the three year down the road tears though....don't let him play into that or he'll be paying for it the rest of her life!!!!
Hope any of this helps.
B.

Stared by setting limits with her, tell her dad will be with her in five minutes when you two are busy. Then make sure he is. She just needs to know that she will always have his love and that him loving you and the new baby does not make dad love her less.

i would tell your man that you need to spend time with him too and let his daughter cry and tell her you needed him to help with stuff and you also need alone time. i think you should do that or you can tell him and his daughter how you feel about this cause that would make me upset too if i was in the same situation as you.

First of all, drop the negative reference to this little girl. Replace the word "step" with "bonus" daughter. You are the adult. Act like it!! Little girls need their father's attention, guidance and love to grow up to choose a mate that will treat them as they should be--with respect and value. You are pregnant with your first child. Statistics indicate that second marriages/relationships have a greater chance of failing, so one day your child may be in the same position as your husband's daughter. How would you want your child treated. Combined families are challenging in many aspects, treat her as you would want your child treated when they visit their new family. Include her,love her, respect her rights to her father. After all she had no say in what happen between her parents. Sometimes it is the adults who cause the most problems. I am a bonus Mother, Mother-in-law and Grandmother. I also have children who are considered and treated like step-children. Their heartache and tears have been hard to bear. I have earned the right to speak about this situation you find yourself in because I have lived it from both sides and always love, kindness, respect and joy have solved the petty problems and the major ones. As a teacher, I beg of you to get on your knees and thank God for the opportunity to be a blessing in this little girl's life. Good Luck.

I am also a step mother to a seven year old, and have faced this challenge myself (When my husband and I had any small conversation wen she was around, she would chime in with the "Dad Dad Dad Dad Dad" also, especially in the car. It drove me nuts too!) She would also try and physically get inbetween us when we hugged. I talked to my husband from the get go about it and now we do not, DO NOT, let her interrupt when we hug (or when we are sitting next to eachother). We say "you are welcome to join in and make it a group hug" and we stay firmly hugging until she either chooses to participate, or gives up and diverts her attention elsewhere. My husband didn't exactly accuse me of attacking his daughter when I brought up these issues (the parents never see it...it is hard for them to admit when their children are being manipulative), but it did take him a while to recognize them and for us to present our "united front" as I called it, to her. Stress to your husband how much you need to feel that nothing can come between you, not even your collective children (which includes your stepdaughter), and that if this next baby did the same thing, you would be equally upset.
If your step daughter found out about you and the new baby all at the same time and as recently as five months ago, no matter how much she likes you and how excited she is about that baby, she is still adjusting to it all under the surface. It is normal for her to feel her position is being threatened by both you and the baby, and she will be relentless in her daily jockying for her father's attention. Don't give up, they will mellow eventually!
When your husband accuses you of attacking your step daughter, it is because he doesn't want to face (and DEAL WITH) the truth of this situation. It is a quick and easy way to silence you, so he can avoid confronting the real problem. He may have even observed these behaviors himself and quickly dismissed them because he feels guilty for "making" his daughter go through the rough (and NORMAL) adjustment of a new stepmom and sibling. Tell him that he is abandoning you in this problem by attacking YOU when you are bringing up a genuine concern of yours, and you feel he cares more about making himself comfortable by avoiding the issue than helping you address it. Say "whether you think I am making this all up in my head or I really am getting pushed aside by your daughter, I am upset as to why you wont help me sort out what is going on and my feeling about it. Attacking ME by telling me I don't have (stepdaughter's name)'s best interest in mind as well as my own is untrue, and you know it." Sorting out feeling and helping your daughter get comfortable with your role in both her's and her father's lives is not only healthy for you, it is healthy for her too! (so she can get back to worrying about things a 7 year old should be worrying about, not big issues about her place in a new family). Good Luck and you're not alone!

C.

There is no role in life more difficult than becoming a step parent. When I married I had two kids a 13 yr old son and a 5 yr old girl; my husband had (at home) a 9 yr old son and later brought in 3 more girls. We do not have children together. I cannot tell you all the problems we had, but we managed even with all the arguing and difference of opinions, compromises and so on and so on. His son wanted only him with no women and my son wanted only me and his sister and no men. You can imagine what these two boys could do to make problems for us. Over time, things get better as we all made the adjustments. My children love him more that their 'birth fathers'. I relationship with his son is good, but he grew up seeing women move in and out and constantly letting him down which naturally created a young man that did not trust women. I can only suggest patience and taking those pleasant moments to teach her about jealousy and allowing her relationship with the three of you be more natural and comfortable. It is hard to know what to advise without knowing the little girls history or how she came to be so demanding of her fathers attention. Best of luck and congratulations on the upcoming birth of your first child.

Sweetie this does not sound like a way to start a marriage and start a family.
I would talk to someone who you value their opinion and seek counsel before you get married. How does her mom act toward you? Has she remarried? Are the tears this girl sheds real tears or fake for her dads attention? If he does not see what is happening.......then it sounds to me like as far as he is concerned it will always be you attacking her.
You will never feel apart and once your baby comes......if dad shows it any attenion........oh my.
I pray you can find some answers soon hun.
My prayers are with you,
KayD

She got a new woman and a new kid in her dad's life dropped on her simultaneously. That's a big load for a seven-year-old, especially if she's been used to being an only child and having her dad's undivided attention. You can't realistically expect her to immediately be okay with it.
Try each of you spending time with her alone for a while, then bringing the other in. For example, you and she bake something - just the two of you, THEN you suggest that dad be come have some with you when it's done. Or she and her dad paint a picture togethr, THEN her dad suggest that you come help them find just the right spot on the wall to hang it. Let "the two of us" transition into "the three of us" without it being forced. That way, she doesn't feel like she's bein pushed aside for you or the new baby.
New babies take a lot of time and energy, and don't be surprised if she's jealous of the time her dad takes with the new baby. Make sure that once it arrives, you both set aside one-on-one time for her.

Congrats, A.!
I see a couple of issues here... she has known *about* you for 5 months, and you are almost 6 months pregnant. This is a little much for a 7 year old. I'm not surprised she is protective of the time with her father.

I'd begin by making extra sure that he spends TONS of one-on-one time with her, sending her little things on even minor holidays like St. Pat's.

In the middle of that special time, remind her of "good manners" (read: rules). It isn't good manners to carry on like a banshee. If she uses her good manners at home, maybe you can go get ice cream.

Put a good manners chart on the fridge. Remind her of it often. Praise her a lot.

Sticking them in front of the TV might work in the short term but over the long haul makes things much worse.

My best to you!

A.,
I understand your frustration. I have been in this same situation before and it is no fun place to be. I feel that you need to try and talk to your fiance about this and he needs to talk to her, after all there is no way for her to act and being 7 she should not act like this. She is most likely jealous that you have his attention and she does not and she really doesn't know how to deal with it. In my situation my husband at the time (we later divorced) would always tell me I was just seeing and imagining this that she really was not like that, and he could never see my side. We would get on his weekends and she was a baby the whole time she was there and would say something to him and look at me to see what mt reaction would be, it caused alot of problems and to be honest alot of resentment not only toward her but toward him. I would seriously talk to him about this and the little demanding girl also, before it hurts your relationship any more and beore you truly hate to see her coming. She also needs to know that you love her and want to be a part of her life in a positive way but that the 3 of you have to work together in this and let her share in the joy of this new baby coming, she can really be a big help at 7 and she will love that, also when the baby is born get her a big sis present and throw a small sibling b-day party at the hospital, maybe cookies and have the nurse bring in some ice cream and let her open a gift so she doesn't feel left out, I know this may sound corny but it really does work. I hope that you and your man can find the fine line in between it all and keep in mind if her mother is involved you aren't really sure what she may be telling her about you. I hope this helps you out and Good Luck!

I went through something almost exactly like this when my husband and I married and had a baby. He and I both had a child each from previous marriages and we soon became pregnant. Your soon to be step daughter is jealous. It sounds like she likes you but she also sees you as a threat. After all, she's been daddy's girl for all this time and now daddy is wanting to spend time with another girl. The best thing I can tell you is to just give it time. My stepson had a hard time adjusting to me at first but now we get along awesomely!! But be warned, it may take a few weeks, a few months, or even a year. Try to keep her involved in everything you and your fiance do and also set time aside for just you and your step daughter without daddy anywhere around. Also be prepared for jealousy to kick in again when the baby arrives. This will be double the competition in her eyes. Let her hold the baby often and teach her to change diapers, get bottles, etc. The more involved with the baby the easier the jealousy will be to conquer. And although it may make you crazy, it's okay to let daddy cater to her some. She needs to know that she is not being replaced. He needs to set time aside just for her after the baby arrives. For example they can have a date night once a week. Something that is just for them. Hope this helps!