What to Do When You Are Ready for Number 2 and Your Spouse Isn't?

I don't know if your spouse is like mine - but mine always wanted to be sure things were "in place." Like before we got married, children, house etc. What we have learned after 13 years of marraige - is that you are never ready - and you deal with whatever comes along - so try to convince him to be more spontaneous??? My view - I had 2 miscarraiges after my first child - thus my oldest two ended up 4 years apart. Not what I particulary wanted - but we deal with it. I know several people who have had issues trying to conceive - I wouldn't wait - tell him he has 9 months to get used to it - and what is the likelihood of getting pregant immediately? I know it is frustrating - I am sure his reasons are sincere (in his own mind) but maybe if you can compromise and set a definite date to 'start trying' - that will put you both at ease. By the way - we then tried sooner for the third (having had previous issues) and I was pregnant within 30 days!!!!!! Who knows how things go???
Good Luck to you -
R.

1 mom found this helpful

Do you own the home that you now live in?
Why not move now? It is a buyer's market and there are so many great deals out there. If you are waiting because you are saving for a down payment --- you may qualify for a no down payment loan. If it is credit issues --- I may be able to help there too. I am a mortgage loan originator and I may be able to help you purchase a home in the near future rather than wait until next year.
E mail me at ____@____.com if you would like to talk about your possibilities.
C. H.

You could try the arguement that if you are buying a house in 2 years, wouldn't it be great to get the big expenses out of the way before you do. The first few years are the most expensive with formula, diapers, daycare... think about how much more advantageous it would be to already have that out of the way so more of your income can go towards the new house.

I don't know what issues you have discussed with wanting another child now but here's my thought. .. the further apart in age your children are, the further apart in "life" they will be and they will not be as close!

Another thought is that "waiting for the time to be right". The time will never be just "so" as you want it to be to be ready for a change. He does want another child so you are already ahead of the game there. . .

I went through a little of the same with my second child and he told me to just stop taking the pill and if it happened, it happened. Well, it did and when it did, he was very nervous tha the wouldn't be able to love the second as much as the first. . . . that has been proved wrong!

Good Luck

My husband said the samething to me after our second child. After about 2 years, I stopped using birth control (not behind his back, he knew)I figured that if he didn't want another baby at that time so bad than he would do something on his end to help prevent it. It is not always the woman's job to prevent pregnancy if you are married and don't mind another baby. He didn't do anything to prevent having another baby so three years later, here I am 37 weeks pregnant about to give birth to another girl :) Of coarse he was a little taken back when he first found out but, what can you do? It is just as much your fault as it is mine, I said. After I was about 2 months pregnant he whispered in my ear in the doctor's office, "I really did want another baby..." I just laughed. No matter what your husband will love that baby and that baby will be a part of him. I say GO FOR IT!

This is a hard situation. I felt the same way when I was ready for a second baby. It's hard for us to understand the way men feel about it, just as it is hard for them to appreciate how we feel about it. I don't think men have the same desire that women have that compel us to want more kids. If he just gave in and you got pregnant just because you want to then you would be the one making the decision - it is hard to realize that he has a right to his opinion too - especially since it is "your body". Be open to conversation concerning this and help him to understand your feelings, and see if there are any issues that you need to work out. As you said, it would be difficult to afford 2 children in child care, is staying home a viable option? It sounds like your home is big enough for 2 children, why do you need to move? I guess my point is this...it is a two person decision, figure out what his reasons for resisting are and see if you can make some sacrifices that will help him come around and make some of his own (like having another baby) He's probably worried about the money - I know most men are. Make sure to hold up your end of any bargain you make or he may resent you and the child-to-be. I know how you feel, this is a very emotional topic for alot of women. Good luck!

Do it! Stop using birthc ontrol. I had an 8 month old when I wanted another, my husband response... "NO" maybe someday but not now. Well I am 36 and I didn't want to wait so I just did it and he is now fine with it. If your husband said "NO NEVER" I would say you have to listen to him but on a timing issue? Ignore him, it's not his body or his primary responsability and when he sees that baby he will be as in love with him/her as with the first. I am now 4 months along with number 2 and my husband is as into it as we were with the first. Some people will be agasp at this answer because it is not PC but give me a break. If we all waited until the time was perfect would we have children? Probably not, and men are the worst at this type of decision, make it for him is my advice.

I don't have any experience with this situation but certainlly want to wish you luck!
M. M.

N.,

I was in the same boat as you - I wanted to have two children and my husband wasn't sure if he did. I have a friend that is an only child and I told him that if we are not careful our child would also grow up very selfish and self centered like my friend - he definitely didn't like that. Also he has a younger brother and there is 5 years between the two of them and quite frankly they don't have a lot in common and we feel like his brother treats us more like we are surrogate parents, it's a lot of stress, so he definitely didn't want that for our first child either.

So knowing all of this about how my husband felt about having more than one child I just kept bringing it up every so often about wanting another child, always taking the opportunity to mention about someone we knew having another child, talking about how I wasn't getting any younger (at that point I was 30 of course now I'm only 33 and my youngest is 8 months), and I made sure that I brought it up in normal conversation definitely didn't preface it with the universl "we need to talk" that way it was more casual. I'm not sure how religious you are, but I also prayed about it and I believe that God put people in my husbands path that talked about having multiple children (they had 4+ children) and that it not that different. Anyway long story short eventually he came around and we started trying for number 2 and from above you can see we have been enjoying 8 months of having 2 kids.

I apologise for my babbling style of writing, but I hope that this helps a little.

-Mel

Well, you guys are a team, so this really needs to be something you're both on the same page about prior to making such a huge decision as bringing another child into the picture, because you certainly wouldn't want him resentful either. Have you voiced to him that your concern about moving into a home with a larger payment would then potentially put the kabosh on another child? are you willing to give up the larger home and 'settle' for what you have now to have another child? if so, perhaps you need to express to him just how determined and much you want this, that you're willing to forego the new house. You guys need to sit down and actually make a pro/con list...and determine as a team what will be healthiest for everyone involved.

I will tell you though that we have almost six years between our children and it has worked out wonderfully...so while I do understand your desire for another and wanting them closer in age, I hate to see there being distention between you two over something that ultimately will probably work out in the end anyways. Good luck and keep us updated!! :o)

pray for your husband trust me im doing the same thing Im 29 yearsold my daughter is going to be 3 years old in march my husband said he doesnt want more children but I didnt know he didnt want more children i think he is beind selfish I had decided to stop birth control i have talk to him about it and just wainting to get pregnant.take care and god bless