May 08, 2009,
J.B. asks from Redlands, CA on May 07, 2009
What to Do When Husband Says Its Always Your Fault.
everything that my husband and i argue about is always my fault. usually its about money and how im soo lazy and wont get a job (im currently looking and applying when he will actually watch our daughter). its gotten to the point that even when i shower and hes watching her and supposed to take her potty if she has an accident because HE isnt watching her its my fault because i was taking too long. what makes it worse is that we live with his parents so we have to argue carefully or his mom jumps to his defence. he always uses the excuse that his back hurts... yes i know his back is sore but i to have constant pain from having arthritist and i rarely complain about pain (and hes taking pills im not!). he tells me that im selfish and that i need to quit being a b***h. am i? because if i am tell me because i dont think i am. he wont even accept that i think im depressed he says its just an excuse. i dont know where to turn. im hoping praying and wishing i get a job anywhere so i can move out away and probably divorce him because i just cant handle this anymore. ive lost my will... (and yes ill be talking to my dr about these problems on the 28th)
So What Happened?™
thanks for all the great advice! i wish i could move my appointment up but its a physical and my drs office only does them 2 days a week (i made the appointment a month ago lol). there is a phycologist in the same building that takes my insurance and ill be asking my dr about him and hopefully we can get to the bottom of my depression. its not his parents even though i think thats what started it. thank you so much for the helpfull words the the moms that posted and the moms that will post.
J.M. answers from Los Angeles on May 08, 2009
Because I know of your circumstances,living there with your in laws and all the differences you have.I can tell you,that nothing is going to change,until you are both on your feet,and in your own home.Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. I'm sure,that you tire of his mothers opinions,as well as some disapproving glances at some of the things you do. You've mentioned in the past,that his mother treats you like a child,and that she interferes,when you attempt to discipline your daughter.I had a mother in law like that,when I was 20. I felt as though she watched my every move and critiqued every effort I made. Not only did she make me feel like a terrible mother,but she made me feel inadequate in front of my husband. What I finally came to realize,is that I was my own worst enemy.I was so preoccupied,so determined,to prove her wrong about my motives and ways of parenting,that my child was actually getting the raw end of the deal.If she commented ,that he needed a jacket to go out side,I'd leave it off. If She wanted to give him dessert,after dinner,I'd put my foot down and refused to let him have it.I was young, stubborn,and felt I needed to prove myself as a good mother.In the midst of this tug of war,I suddenly realized.I was so caught up in things with her,that I was depriving him of things ,that I normally would allow. He was being deprived,just so I could prove A point.Everything isn't always black and white. All relationships should be A little give and take. I guess,that's when it hit me. I don't have anything to prove.I don't have to try and convince her or anyone else what a good mother I am. I just have to be the best mother I know how. Funny thing is J.,After I took the pressures off myself.(stopped trying to prove my worth,everything began falling into place.I was pleased with myself,My husband was happy with me,My son was wonderful,and I even began taking some of my mother in laws advice on a few things. She began seeing me,in a different light.Now that i'm older,I can see what she saw in me.An immature girl,who refused to compromise,or except help ,because she was to proud,felt she had to prove herself,and thought she already knew it all.She was right on the money.The next time,your husband feels the need to hold you to blame,or take fault, Ask him if he is keeping score. Tell him ,that it doesn't matter who's fault it is,so long as somethings learned from it,and you respect,and except,that your partner isn't going to be perfect.We all have faults,but we love each other all the same,We forgive,and move on. As always I wish you the very best. J. M
3 moms found this helpful
D.M. answers from Los Angeles on May 08, 2009
You've gotten some amazing advice already, but let me tell you as a Mommy who was in one of those relationships that you have to act now and quickly.
My son Dad and I have known each for 19 years, and were a couple as adults in a disfunctional relationship for four years before I got preggers with our son. The only thing I didn't do was fight for the relationship when it still had life in it, and by the time I acted he was already checked out and ready to move on. I let it go, I brushed it off and created excuses for why it was 'my fault' that things were always so awful. It was when I had my son that my eyes opened to what was truly going on, we had problems with communication and trust and neither one of us was brave enough to ask for help.
I agree, get counseling...ask him if he will go with and if not, then go on your own. Sit down with him and tell him that your feeling are important and that you'd like to start having weekly sit downs to talk about your life together. Come up with a game plan together, either in therapy or out of it, on how you will care for your little girl together...you are a team, not two individuals who happen to share a child.
He needs to realize that you are working hard, at what you have in front of you. It's tough being a Mommy and its even harder when you live with someone else and have to work through those obstacles as well. I know your situation from previous posts, and I think I agree that you two need to find a place of your own...even a one bedroom for now to get away from the tension and anxiety that is probably contributing to your depression. I know being depressed is tough, and right now I love my therapist. She has helped me learn about me and how I function in relationship and to be a better Mommy. But, also how to work with my son's Dad to be better parents...it's been great.
I think the thing is, your marriage still has life in it, but if your struggles continue to go unaddressed then it will suffer worse than it is now. For your little one, I'd say give it a shot and work on getting your marriage to a place where you and your hubby can talk to each other about everything and work together.
3 moms found this helpful
J.C. answers from San Diego on May 07, 2009
I think SH gave some really wonderful advice. There is not much that I would add to that, other than I am really sad that you have to go through all the things that you are experiencing now. In any marriage relationship, it takes two people to make or break the marriage. You can't just blame everything on one person. He is making all the problems seem like your fault. I don't know exactly what the problems are and it doesn't really matter...all I know is that he is making it seem like you're totally at fault because he is in denial that he has any type of problem. Somehow, the two of you need to sit down and discuss things without your in-laws or your child being present. Is it possible that your in-laws would watch your child a little while so that you and he could go somewhere quiet to discuss things? Just let him know that you are trying your best as a wife and mom and that you want to make your relationship work but that you need help and support from him to have a successful marriage. Before you would decide to totally give up on your marriage, maybe talk to your pastor or someone who could provide individual counseling to you according to your income. If your depression becomes worse and you feel like hurting yourself, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. They are in the phone book or online. Also, call your dr. and let the office know that you are not doing well physically or emotionally...see if there is any way they can move your appointment up to be sooner than the 28th of this month, because that is 3 weeks from now and that is a long time to have to endure this situation when you feel hopeless about it changing.
Whatever is going on in your marriage, please do whatever you can to not involve your in-laws or your daughter in the problems between you and your husband. It will just be easier to deal with that way. Try to get out of the house everyday, even if it is just to walk around outside in the fresh air. If you exercise, you might begin to feel a little better.
Best of luck,
2 moms found this helpful
L.D. answers from Las Vegas on May 08, 2009
This is not a good situation that you are in right now. The best thing that the two of you can do right now is go get some marriage counseling to work out your communication style and unbreak some destructive relationship habits that are occurring between the two of you. Unfortunately, you cannot control your husband and he may not seeing anything wrong with the quality of his participation in this relationship so I would strongly urge you to go get counseling for yourself and work on your own issues until he is ready to participate in counseling with you.
Hoping that everything works out for you and your family soon.
1 mom found this helpful