What to Do When a Good Kid Keeps Acting Out in School

Hello M.,

Already good suggestions here. Now my question is, what is he eating for breakfast and what is he eating at school? does he seem to get in more trouble before or after lunch? if he has a very high metabolism, maybe it's like low blood sugar levels. if so, would the teacher be willing to leat him have a little something (like a couple of crackers) around 10 am and see if that helps.

also, it could be something he ate the day before! anyways, keep him away from diet sugars and high fructose corn syrup. My son's behavior changes drastically when he has high fructose corn syrup.

is he anxious about something? is someone bullying him or making fun of him and that's the way he's coping?

I think he's SUPER bored and probably a bit hungry. you know, like the snicker's ad on tv...someone doing something wrong because they're hungry. well, it was just a thought.
Good luck! ~C.~

My son started about that age....he was bored....yes, bored and trying to stay awake....has he been tested for giftedness? teachers will say that is not a sign but all the gifted personel will agree that it is....my son needed more difficult work - more challenging.....I agree about the grounding as it can get where a child feels they cannot dig out.....good luck to you!

Dealt with this problem with my son and my grandson. My son was a little ADD but back then doctors didnt do anything for it. Moved him to a different school in 1st grade and his new teacher was wonderful. He would come home and tell me about things he learned in school. It was wonderful. Not so fortunate with my grandson. He would say and do the same things you mentioned. Took him to a doctor and he is ADHD. Once they put him on meds he was like the little boy we had hoped he would be.
His grades went up and no more letters from school.

Grounding an 8 year old for that long will not solve your problem. The thing about young kids is they really only focus on the here and now and often times when you take everything away from them, take them out of activities and make them stay home in their room it has the opposite effect that you want it to. He is acting out because he wants and probably needs attention. I would reccomend sitting him down and explaining to him what a great kid you think he is and is capable of being. Tell him that you are going to take a new approach at trying to help him correct his behavior. Tell him that you are going to give him all of his things back and let him start back in cubscouts again (something that I think you should have never taken away in the first place). Tell him you will give him all of his things back if he agrees to make an effort to behave better. The new plan is...each day if he does not get in trouble, you will put a sticker on a chart for him. At the end of the week, if he got a sticker everyday, he will get a special hour with you or his dad. I know that giving kids a reward for being good at school seems silly because you think it is just a given that he should behave, but that is why the reward is special time and not candy, toy, etc. During the special hour, you are to stop everything you are doing to have fun with him. This could be playing a game that he wants to play or building a fort out of blankets, or watching tv together. The key is the specialness of the time, it is all about him. Only if he gets all of the stickers, and you have to make it worth the time. I would also reccommend getting him involved in another activity outside of school such as a drama club where he can be on stage acting up in an appropriate setting. Tell him that is his new outlet for acting. That way he won't act out at school, he can do those kinds of things in a more appropriate setting. On the ocassions that he does act out tell him that is sad because now he will have to wait another week to have a special hour, but sit and talk to him about why he acted up at school.

M.,
I'm sure he is awesome, and he really may not know what he is doing. You don't really say what he does to get in trouble, but I'm going to guess it is impulsive behavior. He may have some attention issues or focus problems. He may be bored and lose track of what he should be doing. Is he mean or purposefully bad? If not, then I'd think twice about all this grounding.

I kinda feel that if your child gets in trouble at school, yes you should talk to him, but you should be very careful about imposing consequences. Absolutely there should be consequences for our actions, but try to make them appropriate consequences. The school should impose the consequences if the infraction was on their turf. You don't want to double duty him. For example if you or your husband get in trouble with the boss, you don't come home and get in more trouble. No, you come home for comfort and support. You are sympathetic to one another. That doesn't mean you condone anything. Your consequences may be too heavy. He is only eight years old. It is probably very hard for him to behave for an hour! If you take everything away he will lose motivation to even try. It will just be too overwhelming.

Better to reward him for a good day. Forget about a whole week. It sounds like too much. And if you don't think this is just one teacher he doesn't get along with type of thing, then you might consider testing. I believe most kids that get trouble in school have learning differences. So maybe he just needs a little help and advocacy.

It's so hard being a mom and figuring out what each of your children need. Especially the oldest child! Hang in there. It's obvious you love your boy and you will do your best to help him whatever way you feel is right for him.
Best of Luck.

It looks like you've gotten some great responses, and you are on the right track. My (now 14 year old) son also had some trouble managing his high energy level at that age. I worked out a rewards system that the teacher and my husband and I cooperated on, so that the response to behavior was consistent at home and school. We also realized that he needed lots of positive attention for doing the right things. I actually heard him describe himself as "bad," and it broke my heart.

One of the things I did not see in the advice was involving your son in the process. I think it helped us a lot. We talked with our son a lot about what a great kid he was, and how everyone has some areas that they need to work on. So you might talk to your son about how good it feels to get attention, but emphasize positive attention and ways to get it. Then really make a big to do over him when he behaves well. At first, you may have to over-emphasize it, so he gets it. Praise him for being in control of his behavior, and let him feel empowered. Our son felt like he had gotten out of control, and he felt like he was not managing himself. Showing him how to regain control of himself, and to learn to that recognize when he feels like he needs attention there are other ways to get it will help with self-esteem, too.

Good luck! Hang in there. He sounds like a great kid.

If I may be so bold to ask "Where is Dad?" A young boy needs to have his father talk to him sometimes on how a man is to behave. Even today,I will ask my husband to talk with "R" and within minutes of coming out of their conversation our son is acting differently. They will open up to Dad when they will not to Mom. Keep praying God's best over him. I also noticed you deprive him when he is in rebellion: have you tried work? Ask Dad, if you should try having him ...clean toilets?...charity work somewhere (even for the teacher)...mopping floors....and don't take away cub scouts, make him work harder - he could be bored!

Well, I had a son same way. So if you have taken away everything and he is still acting out it is not working. I just came home from training on these sort of subjects and not an expert. No two children are alike. Like you said you think he likes the reaction from the other kids. My son did things for attention. So bad behavior does not get attention. Cold shoulder and sympathy for the victim. If he is sent to the office maybe that is what he wants and how he is winning. He does not have to participate in what they are doing and gets some time to himself. So there has to be another game plan. The teachers should have this kind of training and I would think a Principal would have at least a Master's Degree in that field. So go to them and ask what all three of you can do. I understand that disrupting the whole class is not easy. But first have to figure out what triggers this behavior and now they are saying time out does not work at least with little kids. Redirect his behavior. Focus on positive and find things he does great. Maybe he is just needing your attention and for you to listen to him. He does not know why he is doing it but they say it is because he wants something or a need is not met. It could be another ongoing child or a subject his is having trouble with and needs help. Find it because I did the same and my child is another story. I see you have younger siblings and that could be the problem too. They kept telling me my son needed one on one with me. I could never find the time for it. My daughter had a kidney that did not grow and we are always at doctors with kidney infections and I was single and I worked until I was exhausted all the time. So find books on the subject and educate yourself on it. Keep trying different rewards for good behavior and not material things Interact as much as you can and try to redirect him. Show him how to take deep breaths and let it out to curb anger and release frustration and keep trying to find what skills are missing so he has more tools to deal with situations. Good Luck G. W

it could be a number of things. He probably honestly does not know why he does the things he does. It could be a vitamin deficiency, it could be that he is not challenged enough in school and is bored. I know several people whose kids have the same problem. I know of an all natural product called Brainiums with DHA, which is a substance which helps children's brains focus and not wonder. I've heard glowing reviews about this product. If you would like more info about this, email me at ____@____.com

The best book you can read is "Love and Logic." Teach your child to be a thinker and to respect natural consequences.

www.loveandlogic.com

Great suggestions from others. Just a couple other things to consider. ADD and a possible auditory processing issue can lead to some of these behaviors. Feingold diet is good in that it removes artificials from the diet. food allergies (IgE and food sensitivies (IgG) can cause many kids problems. Look at his whole environment, food, toxins, as well as discipline.

M.;

I went through something similar with my son. I took away everything from him. I wanted to reward him positively for good behavior but after a month, it still hadn't happened. I decided to forget about it and let the teacher handle it at school. I did not want it to interfere with our relationship. We needed to be able to enjoy ourselves and bond. We could not have a constant struggle and stay sane.

I spoke to him about his behavior. Over time, it helped. To get on a more positive track, I gave him "points" for all the little things he did right. Ironically, when he did have a good day at school, he was a terror at home - the worse his day was at school, the more angelic he was. I realized that he would have been "better" if he could have been. The harder he tried to behave properly the greater toll it took on his psyche. He would have horrible meltdowns. Later he was diagnosed with mild ADHD and Tourettes. Love and understanding helped him better than anything. Logical consequences make sense too rather than punishments.

Your child does not need a label though, with all the incentive you have given him, it is safe to assume that if you could do better, he would do better. It is time for a different approach.

Physical activity may be one component that is really important for your son. We tried to be physically active everyday. Even though my son had a little brother, we tried to bike ride or swing before school. Swift movement through space early in the morning is said to be calming for these active kids.

Good Luck
Jen

PS. This approach did not hurt our son. He is secure, well behaved, has a 4.3 average, and hopes to play college athletics.

Dear M.:

Your son sounds like my little brother. He's now a grown, responsible adult, so have hope. My brother acted up in class for the attention. He LOVED being the class clown. He also had a high energy level. It took a team approach to get the classroom antics under control. He would get grounded for any acting up, like you're doing, but the most important thing was the teacher's reaction. Instead of making him the example of the class, which just fed his antics, the teachers would ignore him or immediately send him to the principal's office the minute he acted up. With no audience and going straight to punishment, the class disruptions died down.

For the high energy part, he was always involved in sports. He was quite good at sports and could "showboat" there, not in the classroom. Also, when your son gets the classroom back together maybe cub scouts or drama classes, somewhere in a less restrictive environment than a classroom where he can "act" up and it's okay?

You're on the right track.

L. F., mom of a 13-year-old girl

Hi M.
Does your son ever get a note home when he is caught doing something GOOD??? Can't the teacher send him on errands or give him something useful to do to make him feel important and then send home a HAPPY NOTE. I am an educator and am appalled to read about the bad notes and punishments. It is counter productive.
I wish you luck!

I totally understand what you are going through and it sounds just like my story when my son was 8. I also took everything away and even took Cub Scout away, which now that I look back was a terrible mistake. I started working one day at a time with my son. If I grounded him for a week, then he had nothing to loose, so he kept getting in trouble. Start small. If he doesn't get in trouble, you take him for a treat ($1 cone at McDonalds worked for us). If he plays Game Boy or DS, find out what game he really wants and if he is good, he gets 30 mintues on it nightly. If he good he gets to call a relative on the phone at night and talk. My son loves my Mom so this was a BIG treat.Find out what trips his trigger. Put him back in Cub Scouts and talk with the leaders so that they can help you also. He will grow out of it. My son is now 12 in all Honors Classes and is working toward his Eagle Scout Badge. Good Luck!

Perhaps he would do well with a reward system? In lieu of punishing for negative behaviour (which I personally think just damages a kids self esteem without giving you any positive results). It also sounds quite extreme to take EVERYTHING away as punishment, it should only be one punishment, and it should "match the crime", so to speak. Try creating a "good day sticker system" with "good stickers" which he would earn for a good day in school, obeying at home, everything. Come up with a plan that, say, with 5 good stickers in a row or days or something, anyway then he could have a special treat - nothing outrageous but maybe if he EARNED to watch a show or have a toy back he would understand the idea of consequences of actions? I imagine he is depended on quite a bit to be the "big brother" your helper, whatever. And now the baby brother is getting much more attention, with the sister it was different. Good Luck to you.

I didn't read all the responses, but have you considered an outlet for his wanting to be the center of attention like sports, drama, music lessons. Sounds like he is craving attention whether it is positive or negetive. If he could have some one on one time with you or your husband daily and be involved with something that lets him feel important(not that you don't, but you have two others, so he has to share you)on his own. Good luck!!

It sounds like he needs some attention and he will take whatever he can get, good or bad. We went through something very similar with my oldest. We started making a special effort to spend more one on one time with him. Pretty quickly we started seeing an improvement in his behavior. All we did were little things with him with out the brothers and sisters. I started sitting with him while he did his required reading for school. Might be worth a shot. Good Luck!!

My son had a simlilar situation. He has a high need for social connection and started going to a very structured school - no talking/interaction with the other kids, even in the hallway. We kept getting behavior reports for his attempts at trying to connect during the day: friendly bumping of classmates in line, making noises while the teacher was talking. You mentioned your son's behavior issues are predominantly at school. I'd recommend soliciting suggestions from his teacher for ideas that work for his classroom. For my son, the teacher started giving him interactive classroom chores (passing out supplies vs cleaning the chalkboard). That made a tremendous difference. You know your son best, is there something he needs that he's not getting at school right now? If you can identify it, it will be easier to work something out with the teacher.

M. I only have one child, she is 18 months I am crazy about her. I can't possibly imagine at this time what it would be like to have three children!! so read my suggestions with that in mind.

What I beleive,is that negative reinforcement on this child, I doubt is going to work. If he keeps repeating the same behavior then the punishments are not haveing any impact, or perhaps incite anger and more unwanted behavior.

What is his school like? Maybe the teachers should be doing something different.? Is he bored at school? Does he have a sport he is crazy about or a creative outlet. I read that Michele Phelps (Olympic swimmer,8 gold medal winner in 2008 games) had a really had time in school. His mother got him into swimming and it changed his ability to focus at school.

He is only 8 and he sounds like a great child. His rambunctious behavior, may need to be treated with a less traditional approach. I always think consulting professionals is a good idea. There are many great child psychologists out there that can give really sound advice, that is not about labelling and drugs. I am sure this will all blow over..take care and I hope this helps.

L.

Dear Michellle,

I'm very glad that you know and see the true boy that is deep inside your son. Keep that vision in your head because it is very important.

I am the mother of 8 children, ages 25 down to 9, 5 boys 3 girls. I am also a neurodevelopmental special (brain development). You can read my story on www.parentswithpurpose.com .

Your son IS wonderful. However, I see many boys like him who do their very best to hold it together for as long as they can. They do WANT to do the right thing but they sometimes just cannot keep it up, other times they can.

There are several skills that need some further development for him----associating behaviors and consequences; modifying behavior in order to achieve positive outcome or avoid a negative outcome; deferring gratification. These skills all root back to the midbrain and auditory processing.

I haven't met your son, so I am just speaking in generalities, but many times children who struggle in these areas hear perfectly well, but their brain doesn't process those sounds as well as it should or as quickly as it should.

If you imagined that you got the messages around you 30 seconds late, then you would understand how you would be in trouble all the time, too. Especially if you were smart, energetic and fun-loving, you would zoom right ahead with what looks fun. Teachers/parents will say, "I know he understands because he can repeat back to me what I just told him to do". Of course he can, but he got the message too late to correct his behavior, but soon enough that when scolded he could say what had been told to him.

Again, I don't know your son and am speaking in general principles. I see this all day long and feel TERRIBLE for good-hearted boys that are in constant trouble. Especially because I went through this with my oldest son (25yo).

I hope you'll read my website and know that you can help your son---no drugs---so everyone can see the real boy that he is.

www.parentswithpurpose.com

Hi M., you have a lot of great advice here and it sounds like you're doing a good job already. I do think giving more positive awards will help, too. I know he gets grounded for bad days, what does he get for good days? I like to teach my kids that play time, tv time, etc are all privileges that must be earned. Every day your son does good at school, he should "earn" these privileges. When he isn't good at school, he doesn't earn them THAT DAY. Every day should be a new day with a clean slate. I also think he needs boy scouts and sports, don't take away things that keep his mind busy and his body active. Which brings me to another question, does your son get enough exercise? He will be able to sit still and concentrate so much better if he's had some exercise and has had to focus. A lot of times when my kids get in trouble for pestering eachother or others it's because they have too much unused energy. We like to use push ups as punishment for these things, 10-20 push ups use up all that energy in a positive way!

One other suggestion... have you taught your son alternative behaviors to whatever he's getting in trouble for? Does he hit or push the other kids? If so teach him another way to get their attention such as a high five or knuckle bump. Does he talk out of turn? If he does, teach him to raise his hand or to write down what he needs to say so he can remember it when it's his turn to talk. Does he get out of his seat when he should be sitting still? Maybe the teacher should allow the class to do 20 jumping jacks before seatwork. I guess what I'm saying is to give your son an alternative behavior for everything he gets in trouble for. If you think of these new behaviors together then before you know it he will be thinking of them himself BEFORE he uses the bad choices.

I can't speculate on why this is happening, but you've identified that he clearly seeks attention. Find a good way to give/get plenty of attention for him. Maybe he is "performance-hungry", and if you enrolled him in dance classes, or acting classes, or got him singing and playing guitar (with lessons) or some other aspect of performance, he would eventually be getting plenty of it that way, and be so needy for it from his school peers. Just a thought!

Have you had his hearing and eyesight checked lately? Our son was acting just like this till we figured out that he needed glasses (astimatism). Once that was fixed, he started behaving again (not perfect but much, much better). He didn't know what was wrong because his vision wasn't real bad, but it was enough to make it hard to concentrate in class.

could it be your son is jealous of the attention his baby brother receives from the rest of the family? so the attention he gets from school ultimately gets him attention from the parents? grounding/making him read a book is great... keep that up. might want to take away the computer too if he has access to the computer. i would also take away all sugary/caffiene products... no birthday presents/celebration/christmas/easter stuff... trust me this will get an eight year old's attention. make him clean the bathroom with a toothbrush, wash out the exterior garbage cans, sweep/clean the kitchen.... if he says you are being unfair, tell him that you are the parent he is the child and there's a law that states you are totally responsible for him and he's to obey you/the law. good luck.

We had behavior problems in 4th grade. The guidance counselor came up with a plan to break the day down into 10 or so 30-45 minute sections on a chart. The teachers were asked to identify 2, no more than 3, behaviors that really needed attention for starters. For every section he was good in and controlled those few bad behaviors, he got a smiley face. The goal was to get at least 8 smiley faces a day (because nobody is perfect). The positive reinforcement was a much better tool than constant notes home saying he was bad. The guidance counselor gave him choices for rewards each week he met the goal such as eating lunch with the guidance counselor, extra library time, etc.

A month is a very, very long time to ground an 8 year old. I know, I have one.
I would take his most valuable items (tv, video games, bike), when he acts up, and let him earn them back by having a good day. It' so hard at this age, I know, believe me! I have a girl who is 8 and I'm already dealing with the major attitude stuff.
Positive reenforcement is probably the best route to go with this. He's probably liking the attention (good or bad) that he's getting. I see you have younger ones. Mine are 8 and 17 months old,and my oldest gets very jealous of the attention that the baby gets. Try spending some extra time alone with him and see if that doesn't help.

Good luck! I hope you get it all figured out!

Hi M.,
My sister in-law is going through the exact same thing with her 7 year old son. He is a GREAT kid, he just can't seem to control his behavior at school. It's not bad things- just not being able to keep his hands to himself, he talks when he shouldn't, etc... They too have taken away many things, but it just doesn't make a difference. Her son has even told her that he really tries and he tells himself to not do those "bad" things, but that he just can't seem to control it.
The teachers have told her they would like to test him for ADHD. She doesn't want to put her child on meds, though, until she has exhausted all other natural choices. Right now, at the advice of other friends that have gone through the same thing and have had very positive results, she is starting with her son's diet. They are eliminating (for 2 weeks) all sugar, wheat, and dairy. I know that sounds hard, but she has decided that is worth it for her son. Then, after 2 weeks, she is going to add in one of the above mentioned food "groups" and see what happens. Many times food allergies can have the same "symptoms" of ADHD.
There is a ton of information on the internet about changing a child's diet to help their behavior. Just an idea.

M.,

Boy do I hear you. As a mom of 5, and two of them boys, 15 and 10.... been there and done that.... remember that ANY ATTENTION is good attention.. regardless of how he gets it. I think that having consequences for his actions are well and good, and from reading on what other moms have posted to you, those are all wonderfull ideas and strageties. I agree that a week is a long long long time for an 8 yr old boy, much less the stress it puts on you to KEEP him grounded. I went to a wonderful workshop a year or so ago for parenting and the biggest thing I got out of it was that you have to change your attitude and then they will change their attitude and in return, things will eventually get better.. I know you are already doing soo much now how much more can you change??? I was a bit skeptical at first too, but it actually worked with my oldest boy, who had a major attitude and my youngest boy was walking a close line behind him. I found that taking away things they like to do and giving them "extra" chores when they misbehave is effective. I have had my son (oldest) redo thier bathroom 4 times, because it "was not clean enough".. more because it was a lesson, and it was proving a point, if you do it right the first time, you wont have to redo it and do again, and if you get in trouble at (whereever) the consequences are great... my kids dont like extra chores because it takes away time from what they really like to do, tv, xbox,computer,friends,etc. but when they finish their chores, their punishment is over, and all is right with the world. It works for my oldest son when he has to clean the house (kitchen, livingroom, their bathroom and if he's really made dad mad,his sisters room-- he says that's REALLY NOT FAIR...but it works) and he doesnt misbehave often, but does test his limits....they really dont like to do this when they have just cleaned up and have to do the "little stuff"... i even have my 9 year old do things.. The point here is to make the punishment short and swift, often if necessary. What works for me, may not work for you and yours. Trial and error...

Remember you do have an outlet to vent to... we are on your side... good luck... but do try the other options listed.....they do work as well...

Best of luck...
cyn

Mother of 5 writing here...This sounds like a super jealous kid feeling quite displaced by the other 2. Try some private positive 1 on 1 time with Jr. He may just trying to get attention-and, boy, is he doing that or what-the negative kind. Punishments are necessary, but NOT the only way to get Jr. to comply. And for every little thing he does right, restore some of the things you took away. Positive reinforcement. Just trying to help...If we mothers don't stick together, these kids will take over. lol

My oldest son had problems adjusting to school, too. We decided to go the reward route - to reward positive behaviour instead of punishing bad behaviour. We talked with his teacher and the school counselor and came up with ways to reward his good days and make sure to tell him on his not so good days that we can't do something because he didn't earn it. I feel like in using this option, you give him a sense of accomplishment and the opportunity to make a difference in his own life. At first, since it was such a big problem, we were really going crazy with the rewards - going to Chuck E Cheese for dinner each time he made it through a good day - or something big like that, but eventually we started ramping it down to more manageable daily rewards with something big at the end of the week or after 2 good weeks. Also, in talking with the teacher, she saw that our boy was making an effort and she gave him a bit of slack some days. I sat down with my son and talked to him, I told him that he was in control of himself at school and I was depending on him to do a good job, because I knew he could do it. He really came through - we were super proud of him and he has been doing really well this year - we still have a few set-backs, but nothing like it was at the beginning. Good luck to you guys.

M.

Been there, done this. Turns out my son was bored silly at school. Testing after testing the school requested found nothing, but genius IQ. The school did not like that and demanded we send him to a psychologist. The recommendation of the psychologist was to NOT punish him at home for his behavior at school, especially since at home he was very obedient. Before the psychologist recommendation my son had no life, like your son he was ground from EVERYTHING which contributed to his boredom and resentment towards school. Meet with his teachers, counselor, principal, school board, whomever, and decide upon consequences together and let him see you are all in agreement. Detention did nothing for my son, so I asked that he do hard labor, sweeping the gym floor, cleaning desks, etc. with my supervision. I was willing to do whatever it took to train my child up in the way he should go. God bless!

FYI - my son is now a successful entrepreneur and college student.