What to Do for Husband's Sister Whose Newborn Died at Fifteen Days

When we lost one of our babies, my sister-in-law sent me a wonderful fleece telling me when I wore it, she would be wrapping me in a hug.......
I found it very touching and thoughtful.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. My advice would be for your husband to write a heart felt letter expressing his feelings (I know this is hard for a man...maybe you oould help him write it). I find it is easier to express myself in a letter rather than over the phone because I can write and rewrite my thoughts until I get them just right. A letter that offers support and love may even be something that she reads over and over again as she deals with this horrible tragedy in her life. Again, I'm so sorry for your whole family!

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I think a letter from your husband to his sister expressing his grief and concern for her and his unhappiness over not being able to be there to support her. With that I would send a care package from you and him. Some ideas: soothing tea, chocolate, the softest coziest blanket you can find, soothing music CD, gift card for groceries or restaurant carry-out (maybe that could be sent separately). There is no right gift...nothing will take away the pain. But at least she will know she is not alone.

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Oh S. I'm so sorry, this must be such a sad and stressful time for your husband's family and you. I have a dear friend who lost her newborn just 8 days after birth in the hospital too. She calls him her "angel baby" and she wears a gold heart locket all the time with the baby's photo inside. It gives her comfort to have his memory with her. Also, find out if the hospital where she gave birth has a "bereavement support group". I know they exist where I'm from (Chicago's south suburbs) but don't know about Arizona.

take care,
S.

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You've gotten some wonderful advice here. As long it comes from the heart, your SIL will appreciate it. I'm never good with spoken words in these kinds of situations but I find that writing a letter always helps me to express what I'm feeling and how I'm thinking of the other person.

I think it's wonderful that you are thinking of your SIL during this difficult time. Best of luck.

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S.,
You have to give it time. The death of a child takes time and healing, the best thing you could do is try to comfort her, and give her space. Try to find books on CDs about children and death, also let her know that God is with her and He understands, and not to blame herself.

I hope that helps!

Have a blessed week!

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Hi S.,

In addition to what everyone else has said (I love the Walk in Naperville idea!), I think it's important that you and your husband remember the anniversary of the loss and talk about the baby with her sometime if she wants. Everyone is different, but sometimes people never talk about a baby lost so young as if it never had a life. She won't want it forgotten.

It's so good that your husband feels this deeply and any way he communicates his own grief and sadness for his sister directly to her will be wonderful. What great ideas you have received and must have yourself.

Thanks for sharing this with all of us.

B.

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First my condolences to your family during this sad time. I'm not sure about a book right now, maybe in a few months when she is past the initial shock. Are there places there like Super Suppers where you could pay for meals to be picked up for her? Are there other family members there that could take meals to her & you could help with the cost? Maybe you could also pay for grief counseling for her. Look on the internet for support groups in her area of others who have lost children. When she is feeling up to it maybe a package with massages to help with stress. Also calling several time a week & notes to tell her how much you think of her. Many years ago my Aunt lost her 16 year old daughter in a car accident & right afterwards there was so much support & then it dwindled out. This is going to be a long process for her & many months from now she is really going to need you. Also ask her what she wants from you & your husband, tell here that you want to be there for her but don't know exactly what she needs from you. Everyone grieves differently so what may work for one may not work for another.

God Bless!

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My heart feels so sad for you.
I really liked the letter idea, the quilt and the meals. Anything personal you can do. Hallmark stores have beautiful willow carvings and angels with comforting sayings on them. A piece of meaningful jewelry seems to be always appreciated-maybe with the birthstone set in. Artwork to hang in the window with a heart or butterfly, a cement lamb or angel are all ideas for you. Also use the baby's name a lot. Parents need to know that their child made a difference in the world and they are always parents. Love never dies.

God bless you as you allow this hurt to penetrate your own heart and then to give of yourselves out of love.

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That is fantastic that you both understand your SIL's grief. I do not have any real suggestions, but I do know one thing you can do in honor of the memory of the baby. There is a "Walk to Remember" that will be held in October at the Naperville River Walk. It is to honor the memory of all infants who either died in untero or shortly there after. I can tell you I have gone 3 times and each time it is memorable. You can log onto the Share website is what it is called or just google Walk to Remember in Naperville. You can donate a certain amount I am not sure what it is maybe $25, but you can have the baby's name put in the name book to be read at the ceremony and you also get a t-shirt and there is food courtesy of Panera. I think it is nice to do and you are telling your SIL that you understand her loss and recognize that it is very significant. You can then send her the shirt and the name book for her own keep sake, that is what I did. You can tell her in Spanish about the whole day and how the baby's spirit is very much alive and celebrated. I hope that helps!

Again, I think that is wonderful you wanting to do this for her!!!! And many, many good things to you for your own overcoming cancer- truly amazing.

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I am so sorry for the loss in your family. Is your sister-in-law religious? If so, check out www.elizabethministry.com. Elizabeth Ministry is an organization for women, and they have a lot of resources and materials for dealing with infant loss. There may even be a chapter in her area that you can contact, and they have people who can visit her at home. I believe they have items in Spanish too. I hope your family finds healing during this difficult time.

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After a my sister in law"s boyfriend died many years after they had been dating and planned to get married they had a garden stepping stone engraved and put in their yard to remember him. It was I think the footprints verse and then his name and dates of life. It is an idea of remebrance that we found comforting.

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Congratulations, S., on your health! Keep up the great attitude!

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