In a word (or I should say a sentence) :) you cannot change anyone but yourself. Let it go. Be the best person you can be. I believe being the best person means loving yourself enough to protect yourself from self- inflicted pain by loving what others can give and accepting who they are. By not expecting others to behave as you want them to behave. By behaving, yourself, in a manner that uplifts your spirit. What can you do to feel better about yourself and your family without including those many many other people?
I had difficulty keeping up with all the relationships in your message. My heart went out to you but I kept wondering why are those people are more important than your own and your immediate family's happiness?
I spend years trying to get my father to show me that he loved me in the way I wanted to be loved. It was only after he became ill and bed ridden that I realized that he had shown me his love in other ways. If I'd only looked for those other ways earlier I may have had a better relationship with my father.
After he died I realized how many years of anger had kept us apart. All along I knew that he was emotionally handicapped but I also worked at making him change. He didn't change and I was angry.
We can only change ourselves and our attitudes. We can influence other's behavior and attitudes by feeling love for them and treataing them in a loving way. But we can never change another person's behavior or attitude by putting anger into the relationship. You are wanting change many people. Even with love and understanding you cannot change everyone.
In several of your messages you have been advised to talk with your father and let him know how hurt you are. I advise you to NOT do that. After all these years, you know that he's not able to understand your pain let alone do something to cause less pain.
Focus on yourself and the members of your family that you are able to love and let go of the anger towards the others. "Be happy" as a popular song from the 80's said. You have control of your own happiness. No one can cause the ongoing pain that you're suffering without your permission.
I speak from experience. I spent years being hurt which led to anger, when my father, as well as other people in my life, didn't love me as I wanted them to love me. They weren't able to validate my feelings. I learned that I could validate my feelings. Then I didn't need them so much to validate them. Yes, I have better relationships with those who do. I have to mourn the loss of the relationship that I wanted with others and accept the relationship that exists. If seeing that person or those people is so painful that I'm angry I work on loving myself; not on changing them. If necessary I don't seem them as much or not at all. I work on not expressing anger at someone who cannot deal with my anger. I just quietly slip away.
I vent with friends. I've frequently spent time in therapy to deal with my feelings. It was in therapy that I learned that I can only change myself and that some people (in my case several people) are unable to understand let along accept my feelings. I let them go and develop good relationships with those who help me "be happy."
This is not easy to do!!!!!! It has taken me years and a concerted effort to reach this point. I started with the premise that I would rather be happy than right. Yes, they should do the things you want! Your expectations are reasonable! But they can't or they would be meeting you half way already.