What to Do About Husband's Behavior?

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.

The first thing that comes to my mind is this: Why does he think he has to lie to you? And is it possible for you to sit down with him, ask him this question, and calmly accept his answer and reassure him that it's not necessary?

I mean, do you mind if he goes out and drinks with his co-workers? I can see not having a problem with that, but the staying out all night thing is a different deal. I can only tell you if it were me, I would ask him why he felt like he had to lie to me, then tell him I am okay with him going out to happy hour with his co-workers if he would just call me to let me know he's going, and to call me to come pick him up when he's done so he doesn't have to worry about driving and so I wouldn't have to wonder where the heck he is.

And if he didn't agree to that, then I would worry about all the other stuff. But his need to lie to you seems to be at the heart of what's bothering you.

Sending you warm thoughts that you guys can work it out and clear the air.
;)

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This kind of thing was prevalent in my 1st marriage, along with a host of other respect issues with regards to family responsibilities. I knew he was unhappy, and there were larger issues than just needing to blow off work steam...mainly financial pressures, overall depression, his job stability (or lack thereof), none of his friends had kids, etc.

We did therapy for 8 months and I came to the realization that many of these issues were not ones I was willing to put up with any longer and left him after 7 years together. (I was 3 months pregnant and had a 2.5 yr old at the time. And yes, it was difficult, to say the least.) For me, I was the primary wage-earner and in leaving him I got a big raise!

I am remarried now and the kind of relationship my husband and I have is hard for me to even believe sometimes. We care (and respect) more about the other person than we care for ourselves. It is a strange and unique phenomenon and something neither of us experienced in our previous marriages. We are a team. I know this is the way it should be in a marriage. My ex and I were a bad match, unfortunately. And, fortunately, we are much better being apart than together.

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You try every 6 months or so to be unreachable and stay out all night and see what he does! Better yet, try just once!
You'll then know what he has really been up to by what he screams at you.

The next time he did this to me, the kids and I would be conveniently gone when he got back to give him a taste of what he would get the next time this happens and make it clear that it is totally unexceptable behavior.
People only treat you like you let them treat you.

I would be thorougly checking everything out now and getting things in order, because he has shown you that you can't trust him. Liars only tell you what they think you want to hear or will justify you and be defensive or condescending, and you are just imagining things.

He is unreachable simply because he doesn't want to get busted or found out. There are buses, cabs, phones! you can't come pick him up because he would be busted. Do all his friends sleep in their trucks too?

You need to be cautious because I don't buy it and I think counseling would be a good thing at this point.

Let me also add about your fears...make it clear to him, that if he continues this behavior...you will do the same.
If he won't or can't earn your trust back, you just need to decide if you want to continue to live like this.

I can also up you one more (pure evil genius)
...if you try this and he does it again, next time he stays out all night like he is single with no responsibilities, put some crime scene tape around the door/doors he will see and and see what he does then. if that doesn't scare him straight nothing short of leaving will.

Or much tamer....I am sure he calls you during the day, this is to keep tabs on you...simply quit answering the phone and let him wonder everyday what you are doing or when you will show up at his work.

You can always leave temporarily too, or make him leave, and tell him you will come back when he is ready to respect you, your marriage, and your children.

My point is, you don't have to leave or make him leave to make him think you will leave. You are smart and will know what to do!

good luck

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I couldn't put up with it K.-- be it once a year or once a week! Personally, I would speak to him about it NOW (before trying for #3), since it is a more "neutral" time (and not immediately after the lies & deception occurs), and let him know how this is affecting you, your marriage, your children and your trust/opinion of him as your husband. Explain to him exactly what you've just explained to us, that there is no need to lie and that your concern is not that he's doing something other than what he's telling you, but that he needs to be responsible in that he IS a father and husband and emergencies, unfortunately, do arise, particularly with children, thus you need to be able to reach him ALL the time (including nights he goes out for a drink with the guys!). He simply needs to prioritize correctly and put his family first at ALL times, particularly if he's stopping for a drink-- which honestly shouldn't be an "all night" thing at this point (stopping for a few drinks after work is one thing, but being out ALL night long is completely different-- afterall, how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot and it was YOU, his wife & mother of his children pulling "allnighters" w/o being able to contact you?) Particularly with the past drug issue, I would get him into family counseling, so you guys can tackle the issue before it gets more out of hand, and you get more resentful.

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Making a mistake once every 6 months doesn't sound that terrible, but I understand he obviously has some problem to resolve. Does he have a hobby? I think every man needs to be able to get together with buddies in an activity like golf, etc. to relax and re-energize. In my family, the men fish. Can you encourage him taking some time for himself in a healthy hobby?

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I'm with Carol, why does he feel like he has to lie.

Every 6 months is not that bad. Just open up communication lines with him and let him know you understand his need to "get away" every now and then. That way, you can pick him up if needed, let him know if there is an emergency at home, etc.

We've been married 20 yrs this yr. Sometimes I want to get away from it all and my husband completely understands. I will jet off to South Beach or someplace beachy for a night or 2 to "get away". My husband is in sales so he is gone 2-3 nights a week and he understands and appreciates that sometimes I like to get away. We are completely open and honest with each other.

I understand your worry. Since my hubby is in the air a LOT, he calls me to let me know he is ok. Maybe your hubby can just call and say, honey I am ok.

I do NOT see this as a reason to throw him out if he is a good dad, good provider and not abusive to you and your family. We don't keep leashes on each other......we trust each other.

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Hmm, I am risking hurting your feelings here, but I have to wonder....Why does your husband feel like he has to lie to you so he can go out with his friends and blow off steam 2 times a year?

It's one thing if tis were a weekly or daily event, but come one...2 nights out of 365? :o) Men need their "man time" jsut like we need our girls night out on occasion. I don't really see a problem with it,. It seems like it only BECOMES a big deal in front of your kids because of the trust issue.. not becaus her went out. If he could call and say "Hey, Im gonaa go out with the gus, I'll call ya when we leave to come home" then there wouldnt be any fight in the first place and your kids would be none the wiser as to where daddy went.

When my dh and I first were together 13 years ago, we actually had the agrement that he was to go to the pool hall after work for an hour or two then come home. It gave hima chance to blow off the steam of the day so he was ready for us when he got home. Men dont really downshift as well as women do, from work to home. They need to work itoff sometimes.

And dont take it personally, soemtimes they just wantto hang with the guys and be rude and drink and tel dirty jokes he wouldnt want you to hear :o) Its just a guy thing.

I really wouldn't worry at all that he goes out so rarely but rather examine why he doesn't trust you enough to tell you that is what he is doing.

K.
Wife of 13 years...mom to 4 and due in October!

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It sounds like he has control issues to me. There is a bit of a power play going on with that kind of behavior. I personally would find it intolerable and would insist on dealing with it - meaning, let's get to the bottom of what's really going on here, and find a better solution. If he really just needs "man time," he should be able to have that - even more than twice a year - but not under those conditions. I would really question what is going on. When a spouse is dishonest, and when a spouse doesn't want any contact whatsoever during a certain period of time, I would have to ask what really is going on. This is not good husband/father behavior, nor is it necessary. I'm sure you would be happy to let him have his "off" time (making sure you get some, too), with the understanding that you won't call and interrupt unless it is an emergency, but you have to know in advance when it's going to take place, as well as a few other details. If he truly has nothing to hide, this shouldn't be an issue. If it is an issue (even if he doesn't have anything to hide), then that itself is an issue and needs to be dealt with! Good luck with this.

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Staying out all night is the deal-breaker for me. What a turkey. Tell him you are supportive of his need to hang out with friends but that God made taxi cabs, designated drivers and WIVES who can come pick up husbands who've had too much to drink. No need to sleep in the truck. This lying issue is NOT okay and you should make that clear to him.

Hang in there and pray about it. Try really talking to him about it at a time when you're both calm. Use peaceful language and tell him how you FEEL. No one can argue with you about how you feel.

A

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