What to Do About Depression???

I'm a person who has battled with depression repeatedly throughout my life. Mine is literally caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. There are times in my life that I have been able to go without drugs, but I have to admit that I'm a better person and I like myself more when I take my Zoloft.

It sounds to me like he is having trouble and needs to see a doctor. Make him an appointment with his doctor and this part is very important, go with him. Hold his hand. Be there for him. Hell if he's too embarrassed to do it then tell the doctor for him. He may need some counseling as well. He may not need drugs at all! Maybe just getting stuff off his chest with a counselor will help. Sometimes they use the drugs as an aid to get things moving and then wean a patient off of them.

Due to his age, you would know if he needed the drugs forever. Is this a chronic problem? Has it happened repeatedly through out his life? If it is then he should have been getting help all along.

As for indulging him on things like cars... Please think twice. Find something else you can buy that is cheaper and won't put such a strain on your budget. Hopefully if he starts to see someone and maybe take some anti-depressants he won't need these crutches anymore. Someone who is depressed is constantly looking for a way to make themselves feel better. Splurging on clothes, video games, you name it. We're looking for a way to fill a void inside of us. Something is missing and e hope to fill that something with material possessions. By seeing a doctor your husband can learn how to deal with these feelings. He may need you to visit his therapist as well. That way the therapist can guide you through things that you can do to help.

Good Luck and I hope you are able to get the help you need!

2 moms found this helpful

He sounds like he does need to see a psychiatrist. I would not venture to guess what it is, and he should not either, he should go and tell them how he feels and let them figure it out.

let me ask you this though, if he had kidney disease, would you be so hard on him and ask if he would need to be on dialisis for his whole life and be very much against it? Brains are biological organs. They are flesh and blood like kidneys, and hearts and lungs, and things go medicaly wrong. We don't have the same disdain for people with other organ system issues as we do for brain dysfunction, which makes getting treatment a real sigmatizing event. Please help your husband make his appointment, you probably would not hessitate to make an appointment for him with a pulmonologist if he could not breathe and was dragging his feet about an appointment, so why is his brain any different?

Sickness and health. Help him to get healthy, because he needs you and being angry with him for being unwell is not helpful. You will not be sorry if he gets well, and if you could releive your frustration and he could be the person you want him to be with this kind of help, why wouldn't you want that? Encourage him to get and support him through standard, effective medical care for his brain, and that will go a long way toward his recovery.

M.

1 mom found this helpful

Encourage him to see his doctor!

I have very little to contribute here, except that I used to struggle with depression and it's NOBODY else's fault! If your husband IS struggling with depression, it's NOT because of you, your children, or anything other than a chemical imbalance. That's awful of him to blame his emotional instability on you, but it does sound typical of people suffering from depression. They try to find a reason for their unhappiness, when in reality, depression is something you can NOT control and can NOT reason with. I suggest you strongly encourage him to get help. It could be a mid-life crisis- he may only need someone professional to talk to- but meds are something to consider.

I know there's a huge stigma that goes along with anti-depressants, but there is nothing wrong with your husband taking something for an extra serotonin boost, and it will make a world of difference in balancing out the chemicals he's lacking in his brain. You'll be wondering why you didn't encourage him to go to the dr. sooner! And if he has to take it the rest of his life, who cares, if it helps?

It sounds like depression to me. My husband has suffered from depression for many years. When he would forget to take his meds, he was a very different person - easily agitated, rarely wanted to interact with anyone, everything had to be on his terms, often withdrawn, etc. When he takes is meds - his moods are more stable and he's easier to get along with. He still has times that he is withdrawn, and he isn't a people person so he avoids crowds. It's not easy to live with a spouse who has depression. And it's not easy to understand. Just remember it's not your fault and most of his outburst shouldn't be taken personally. It's the depression talking. Misery likes company. You can't expect yourself to always be the upbeat one - it will take its toll on you and continue to make you unhappy and resentful, unless he gets some help. Don't expect meds alone to be the answer. He should find a good counselor who shares your values and get some guidance on how to deal with it himself. You can be a support and should be - but you can't resolve this without some outside help. Good luck!

Hi, I am a psychologist, but would of course not diagnose based on a quick summary. I would strongly urge you to support your husband in seeing a professional. Ideally, a psychiatrist or psychologist, but if he is really stubborn, his primary care is a good start. Based on what you write, it is not a textbook description of depression, but again- this is why you need him to see a pro.

He sounds at least willing to acknowledge that there is an issue, which is a step ahead of most. Sometimes with men, it is helpful to point out stories of men- famous and not, who have suffered with mood disorders. Several reporters, athletes, and actors have had depression or bipolar disorder and spoken about it publicly. It helps men to feel like they are still maculine even with an issue like this.

Good luck!

OMG sounds just like my father!!! If he is openly admitting that he feels depressed, which it sounds like he is schedule him a physical if he hasnt already had one this year or an appt with his dr. You should go with him if he lets you so you can discuss the issue with the dr. Yes he will have to take this pill everyday BUT he will be himself again. It will take the edge off. These urges to spend are just ways to fulfill some sort of emptiness and lack of fulfillment that comes with depression. Personally it is a struggle for most to accept that you need a pill to act right, so get over it quickly and be the best supporter for your husband you can be. Though its hard to say, dont take it personally as its not your fault. Imagine your worst day/days of PMS and how you know youre not acting right and try so hard to but cant control it all the way, its just like that sometimes worse. Be patient and get that appt scheduled asap. He can also try B12 vitamin in the mean time.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but at least he is talking to you about it and open to calling it depression. That is a tough one to deal with but since it is not his constant personality it is probably manageable. I agree with the first post that you going to the appointment/s is a good idea. You can get someone to watch the kids so you can relax and take your time. He might also have some medical conditions going on that could be managed through diet and exercise (often lifestyle contributes to depression--I am incredibly depressed and cranky if I don't exercise regularly and my husband can be an absolute bear when he gets hungry but then is perfectly fine once he eats something--I think he's hypoglycemic like his mom but we haven't gotten that checked yet).

You could also talk about some counseling as a couple while you're figuring things out. It is easy to blame yourself when your spouse isn't happy, but he is probably also blaming himself and beating himself up in private for making you miserable. It is a cyclical problem. He can make a personal effort to keep up a front for the kids and try to show how he feels when he is just with you. It is important that they not think something is wrong because they might blame themselves as well.

Medication, lifestyle, etc. all might help, as well as loving support from you. My husband also hates his job and it is amazing to me how depressed it can make him. He wants a new one but right now it has a convenient schedule and good health insurance, so even if he got a better paying one (he hardly makes anything) it would be cancelled out by the increase in benefits. He is, however, not going to simply quit because he is depressed and hates it, so that is a good sign that your husband is plugging away at something he hates to support all of you. If you are not involved in a church you might call a few and see if any offer couples or family counseling affordably--that might help you both relax and open up a bit more. It will be a process and probably (or possibly) be something he has to maintain that will not go away, but it can be dealt with. I'll be praying for your family today. I hope he is happy enough today to enjoy Father's Day with his family!

I feel for you.
I think you're right to be concerned and to want to address the situation. His behavior is manipulative and it's not healthy for your family. I would encourage him to see a doctor and begin the process of figuring out what is going on. If it is depression and medication helps, that could make a huge difference for your family. If it turns out that something else is going on, then that would also be really important to understand. I wouldn't worry right now about whether he'll be on pills for the rest of his life, but take it one step at a time and try to find out what's going on first. Then you will be in a position to learn about meds, if appropriate, and make decisions about those. I don't have firsthand experience with those types of meds but I know from others that they can be really helpful, really important in turning people's lives around.
Best wishes!!!

You need to realize depression is a chemical imbalance and not something he can fix himself. There is no shame in getting help or taking medication. In fact, you should be proud of him for recognizing his weakness and trying to take care of himself. He may not need them permanently, but if he does, so what?

This sounds like my DH two years ago. I wish I had insisted on treatment then, but he is finally getting treatment now (I just need to figure out how to talk him into medication). Don't wait. Get him to see his doctor. And a book that has really been helping me is "How You Can Survive when They're Depressed". Good luck to you.

I can really relate to this. My husband goes through this too. Especially with the impulse buying! It has really put a damper on us, making it hard to pay other bills, even rent! And I know that it really hurts when he gets in his mood! It absolutely kills me to see my husband like this. He will sometimes shut himself in the bedroom and tell me and the kids to just leave him alone! He says mean things to our oldest sometimes and she's only 3 and of course does not understand! I find it really hard to hold it together myself! I sometimes have to go in the bathroom and have a quick cry just to release some of my feelings! We tried to get my husband help! I even took him to the hospital one night because he seemed suicidal. After talking with a therapist and trying about 4 different medications we just gave up. The meds seemed to make him worse, and it's SO hard to find the right one. With depression meds they effect each person differently, the only way to find the right one for you is through trial and error! And all they did was make him worse! He was either EXTREMELY irritated or EXTREMELY tired! And we didn't have insurance at the time, and each visit to the therapist was $120.00 and each med was $150-$300.
So after about a year of this he has just learned to cope a little differently when he's around us. And when he isolates himself I know that is my que to give him space.
I'm not saying this is the answer for your husband, or that his experience will be like ours! I definitely think he should see a doctor or a therapist that is licensed to prescribe meds! Someone he can talk to outside of the family to help release some of his tension!
If we had insurance we would have definitely kept trying different medications to find the right one. But we just simply couldn't afford it! I took him to Barnes and Nobel and we found lots of self help books, and he read through them all, that helped alot! It helped to explain where a lot of the feelings may be coming from and how to deal with them in a positive way!
I remember feeling like I'd rather just give up on him and walk away. But I love him and we hung in there! It was tough but things are better now! He still gets in his Moods! And can still become hurtful, but I know he doesn't mean it, and he will always apologize later.
The best advice I can give you is: 1) When he's in a mood give him space, crowding him may only make it worse. 2) Get him to seek help, through therapy, docs, or books. 3) Don't take it personal! Try to explain to your kids that daddy doesn't feel good so lets let him rest (or whatever you can say to help your kids feel at ease)
I don't know if your of any religion, but we are Christian and talking to people at our church and having them pray for us was very comforting too.
I really hope that something I have said has been helpful to you! Please feel free to ask me any further questions if you'd like!
Good Luck and I will pray for you and your family! =0)

You know there is no better way then to go and have it checked out. If he needs medication then okay. Mediciation can really help sometimes. Some times they will have you on pills for a while, then you can be taken off, sometimes you will need to take them more permantly. Don't be afraid of medicines or seeing a doctor about this. If that really helps your whole family feel better and it works, support it. I know its hard if you haven't been through it, but if it is depression, it is real, and needs someone who can be very understanding to support him as he tries to deal with the issue. Now all the buying stuff, sound familiar, but it is not okay if you can't afford it.
Wish you and your family good luck. i've been around the situation before and it can be very challenging. Keep your chin up, and hopefully you guys can find some help for him! Take one day at a time and pray!

I am in no way a professional so please just take this for what it is. My brother is exactly the same as you describe your husband to be. After years and years of therapy he finally was diagnosed as bi-polar. My sister-in-law's description of her life with my brother sounds like she could have written your post. I would suggest you have him seek counseling, because without a proper diagnosis and medication he may not improve. I never really bought into as much because it almost seemed like he could turn it on and off when he wanted to. For instance around all of us he is always fine, but at home like you said there are days when he will not talk to anyone. He also has difficulty holding a job for long periods of time, after a while he argues with his superiors, complains things are not done properly, can be a big of a hot head. Living with someone who is bi-polar is extremely difficult so I would think you should seek help to discuss your feelings as well. Good luck to you and your family.

Updated

I am in no way a professional so please just take this for what it is. My brother is exactly the same as you describe your husband to be. After years and years of therapy he finally was diagnosed as bi-polar. My sister-in-law's description of her life with my brother sounds like she could have written your post. I would suggest you have him seek counseling, because without a proper diagnosis and medication he may not improve. I never really bought into as much because it almost seemed like he could turn it on and off when he wanted to. For instance around all of us he is always fine, but at home like you said there are days when he will not talk to anyone. He also has difficulty holding a job for long periods of time, after a while he argues with his superiors, complains things are not done properly, can be a big of a hot head. Living with someone who is bi-polar is extremely difficult so I would think you should seek help to discuss your feelings as well. Good luck to you and your family.

I've been depressed since I was 13. (half my life). What you described is NOT depression. That sounds like bipolar.... specially since you said he's "moody". they cycle through moods...can be often or can be just a deep depression most of the time with some loops. Depressed people have no interest in anything. He wouldn't go try to buy a car behind your back like that if he were just depressed nor suddenly get happy when you mention going to get one. I have two sisters with bipolar, and it is HELL living or talking to them without meds. One refuses anything is wrong with her and doesn't take anything. We (the family ) avoid her like the plague because she is so awful without it...she "self" medicates with street drugs. The other one, she is doing quite well for herself now that she got help. Honestly, the drugs aren't that bad. Yeah, he'll probably be on the pills the rest of his life, but if it makes the quality of your life and his better, than is it not worth it? (lithium is one of the most effective depressive bipolar meds out there, and it's only 4 dollars without insurance. they also use it for treatment resistant depression.) good luck.

Well, first, I am sorry you have to life with this. It sounds like he is bi-polar in some ways. It wouldn't hurt to make a doctor's appointment and get it checked out. I have been depressed through divorce and had to get on medication. I tried to make it through, but it wasn't pretty. So, I took medication for about a year and then tappered myself off of it and hadn't needed it since. I know exercising creates healthy endrphins for the brain. I would just get it checked out. Hope you get help soon and stay strong for you and the kids until then.

I agree with the responses. My husband also suffers from depression and once we had a kid, it really showed more! We wound up going to counseling together to get things on the right track. He doesn't take meds, but we do watch our diet, he regularly exercises/runs, and I make sure to talk with him when he gets into his quiet (funk) phase. It's tough not to feel resentful, but like one post said - it's a disorder that he can't help. We work through it. Best wishes. I know what you're going through. You're not alone.

If his moods and temper have gotten worse since the kids then perhaps he just feels trapped to some extent? Especially if he hates his job. For some men family life sounds good on paper, or they do it to make their wives happy, and then later make everyone miserable because they didn't want that for themselves in the first place. Some men are just passive aggressive and resentful of the attention babies get. Who knows? Tons of scenarios could be possible.

If he's always been moody, though, and it's recently getting worse I would talk about seeing a professional. It could be anything from depression to bi-polar disorder or anything else, really. The psychiatrist will figure out what seems to be going on. It may require lifelong drugs, or short term drugs. No telling. Maybe going in and talking as a couple could help put your marriage back on track? There is no stigma or shame in looking for help these days. It's better to talk it out with a professional than to cover it all up with some booze and nasty fights.

I would start by opening a dialogue with your husband and ask him what's truly going on. Be patient, be kind, don't judge, and LISTEN. Be proactive, and if he does actually talk to you about what's going on in his head, be compassionate and work TOGETHER to find a solution so things will be happier and better for both of you. It takes a lot for some men to open up and yelling and treating him like a child will only serve to clam him up more and likely make him into a bigger baby.

I empathize with you on your situation. It's very hard to work and raise kids without the support of your spouse. You guys should be functioning as a team, and you shouldn't have to shoulder the bulk of the parenting because he's busy having little meltdowns.

Get to the bottom of this as kindly as possible! Best luck to you, hun!

C,

Help him get to a good psychologist. You can start with marriage counseling and see where a marriage counselor would go with it. I take Welbutrin and it helps me a TON! My husband and I are HUGE supporters of (and active participants in) counseling and therapy. Huge helper. Medication is secondary but often necessary!!

Good luck.
V.

You've gotten some really good advice. He needs to see a GOOD doctor, ASAP.

Not to scare you, but I had a bipolar aunt that didn't get treatment. She self medicated with St. Johns Wart and other herbs. I'll just say things ended very badly. Please get your husband good treatment and make sure he follows doctor's orders. good luck!