38 answers

What to Do About Adult Son's Girlfriend You Despise Vice Versa

I should have prefaced this with saying that I and my daughter caught her in the embrace, "new love" kind of goo goo eyes with another man almost a year ago. She walked right in front of my car while I was at a stop sign. We had the windows down and called out her name thinking we were mistaken - this other man clearly had his arms around her and they fought off each other in saying goodbye. Yes, my daughter and I watched from about 25 feet away. I was struck so much by this, but didn't tell my son. Neither did my daughter but she did, saying whatever I tell him about her is a complete lie and not to believe me. So the score is #1 - I am a liar; #2 I am an alcoholic (drink to celebrate my birthday at a restaurant) and #3 I am a lousy cook. Yes we have invited her to things and yes we have included her from day #1. So now almost 2.5 yrs later I should try harder? Ladies please. I give up. Enough advice about being the bigger person. Our entire family and circle of friends have witnessed her rudeness at family bbq's, birthday parties etc. Holidays are the worst.

My highly educated son, YALE GRADUATE, UCLA LAW SCHOOL grad, just passed California Bar 1st time, so now he is a lawyer AND has a job! But this incredibly dumb girl - but oops she does have a B.S in Communications - is so not for him. They have been dating over 2 yrs which to our family is an eternity, and no signs of breakup soon. She is a money grubbing very needy (emotionally and materialistically) girl - actual she is 26 yrs old She can't decide on what job she wants but knows what she wants HIM to do for her. Picks out COACH bags for her gifts, also takes him to Tiffany's for anything else she wants. She contributes nothing and right now is in her 3rd career. He deserves so much better and she is extremely RUDE to his younger siblings ages 14 and 20, needless to say she is HORRIBLY AWFUL to me especially. She has called me an alcoholic while I was in a restaurant celebrating my birthday, she has insulted my cooking on so many occasions, I stopped including her to dinners, both here at the holiday time and in general even if we are going out to dinner. She dresses terrible for really important occasions and was texting her friends during his law school graduation how bored she was during the speeches given. I can go on and on.

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What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Hello everyone!
Wow! I have taken the high road and its out of my hands in God's hands now. I am done. Our family is done! I know personally what it is like to have the inlaws from Hell so I know how to remove "toxic" people from my life. My inlaws to this day continue to badmouth my husband, myself and our children and they don't even know our last 2 children. After much counseling 15 years ago, my husband agreed to disconnect from his family due to their negative feelings about me. My son witnessed this but doesn't choose to remember these things. Anything negative he conveniently forgets. Oh and I also wanted to mention his fraternity brothers from college, and roommates from law school also don't care for this girl. And they have expressed to him so much so that they banned her from their social events both East Coast and West Coast. Thank you everyone for your responses. He is losing relationships (close ones). So don't need any more responses - I am letting God do his work.

More Answers

Plain and simple, you are treating her the way she is treating you. With total disrespect and disregard. You are creating a wedge between your son which you adore and will drive him away if you continue to voice your opinions and treat his girlfriend this way. You need to be the adult and suck it up. You're never going to welcome her the way it should be, but for the sake of your relationship with your son, you need to put on your game face and let him make his own decisions and live his own life. Either he will realize this girl is not a good choice for him or you will end up being removed from his life.

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It sounds like you have raised an intelligent man, and unfortunately for you, it sounds like this woman makes him happy. If you complain to him, you will only end up driving him away.

Also, it seems a little rude to put down her choice of major in college (while building up your son's accomplishments in ALL CAPS).

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I know it's been some time since you posted this question. I have to say that most of these responses are missing one key point. You have to take care of yourself.You've raised your son, and you've looked out for him by telling him about the stop sign. You are done. Now, you have to let him live his life, and you have to live yours. Do what makes you feel better about yourself and your family. If you want to distance yourself away from him and his girlfriend, do it. If you don't want to invite her to family gatherings, then don't do it. If you are more concerned about your son walking away, then, by all means, put on a happy face. No matter what you do, you have to be okay with yourself every day. Putting on a happy face may be what everyone else thinks you should do because he is your son, but will that make you happy? Everyone else may think that your son walking away is horrible, but some distance and separation may bring you more peace for now. You can't live your life for your son. Your life is just as important as his. You may be his mother, but you are also a special person yourself. You are someone's wife. You are a beloved part of your family. Don't let your son or his choice of girlfriends ruin the best times of your life. You ultimately have the power to make the choice about your life. Don't sacrifice yourself, your marriage, or your family for this situation. By the way, we can be the best mothers, and the world will still find fault with us when our adult children make their own foolish decisions. In other words, don't take some of these other responses personally. As for myself, my situation was similar to yours. I've decided to take a much needed break from my son, and I'm enjoying the peace. I miss him a little, but my marriage and family are happier, and I am happier and healthier. Things may change in the future, but we both need some space to live our own lives at this point in time. Without the drama, I've even had time to join a gardening club and take up a new hobby. You are a good mother! Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

You may not want to hear this but the part of your sons life where you get to make his decisions ended a long time ago. He is an adult and he gets to choose whom he wants to share his life with. The only thing you can and should do is support your son. You say he's smart so trust that he's made the right decisions for him. He may end up marrying this girl someday, if you can't find peace with her and his decision making as an adult it will really drive a wedge in your relationship. As an adult he needs less of a mother figure and more of a supportive friend.

1 mom found this helpful

Gonna have to get all metaphysical on you.

As much as I hate to see my son frustrated, I know he is learning and it is his life to learn in. He will make mistakes, some little and some big. I will be there to provide love and advice when wanted.

If he did not seek someone like you, then look at the example of what love and relationships look like that he was given. He has attracted this person into his life, for a reason.

The more you concentrate on the negative aspects of this girl, the more you will see. Its Law of Attraction 201. Try to always look for something positive in her, about her. Keep your focus there. Make a list and everytime something happens, take out that list and concentrate on it. You will find that you will not notice the negative so much.

4) Continue to not invite her. If her energy does not feel good to you then you should not include her. If your son has not started to insist that you include her, then maybe it is not so serious. If he does insist, then lay the ground rules for how you want to be treated and respected as his Mother. It seems the younger siblings need a lesson in this too, if she treats them badly.

Either she is a good liar or he is blind to her. But he needs to see it for himself. If he is well aware of how she is and how she treats his family, then it would seem that you all let people walk over you. He is not demanding respect for himself. All you can do is be the example of how you want to be treated and let it trickle down.

Peace and Good Luck

1 mom found this helpful

Wow, I find just reading this pretty off putting. You're being overbearing. I always believe that positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. I understand your concerns but its very over bearing. Your son is a young adult that needs to make his own decisions and needs to make his own mistakes and learn from his lessons. This may or may not be the right person for him but that is not your decision to make. Maybe your son finds her to be his equal emotionally. Be the parent and the bigger person. Surrender! You have no control over this matter except to be as loving as possible.

1 mom found this helpful

Ok - have to be quick so sorry if I'm more blunt than is necessary but I've been on two sides of this equation - marrying someone my mother felt was "below me" and marrying someone whose mother thought I was "below him." Just to give you a quick synopsis of current standing.

The guy who was "below me" ended up divorcing ME. My mother and I do not talk in large part to the way she behaved before we were married. I did not inform her when I was getting divorced. He divorced me because I reverted to family behaviors and started acting like her. I now have two sons from my second marriage whom she has not seen in two years (one she has NEVER seen.) She never relented on her stance that "she knew better for me than I did." In hindsight, I probably could have made that marriage work if I had been better prepared with proper examples and could have focused my energy on my husband versus always on the defense of our family.

The man who was "above me" and I have been together through thick and thin. We have been married nearly 6 years with two beautiful boys. His parents are now very supportive - mainly because they made him choose between them and me and he choose me to the EXCLUSION of them. They ALSO spent a portion of my first son's life without seeing nor talking to our family by our choice. My husband forced their hand and made them apologize to me in order to be part of our life again. (Serious big deal - his family is Asian. That whole "saving face" thing is a huge thing to sacrifice for the love of a child and grandchild.) After getting to know me better, they realized that my husband had seen a lot of things in me that they couldn't have seen on the first few meetings. My FIL and MIL (independently and on seperate occasions) eventually confided to me that they thought my husband and I were "more compatible than they (MIL & FIL) were."

Now, I guess it's up to you which scenario you prefer to follow - ultimately, I hope, neither. I will tell you that although not having parents in the picture for us was a nuisance, we were/are at peace with our decisions to keep the unhealthy influences out of our life. So if you're thinking "I'll just punish them/her by removing us/them from gatherings together," I can say it did more damage to the parents in our situation than it did to us. Up to you how to go from here but I'd suggest finding something in common and working from there. It may not be serious, but if you continue fighting them, you will gel them together AGAINST you. If you support them and they truly are a bad match for each other, they can spend their time figuring that out for themselves and come to a decision with which THEY are comfortable.
Probably not what you wanted to hear, but hopefully useful info nonetheless.

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First I would apologize to your son for not teaching him what a real woman is and how a real woman should act. He may be HIGHLY educated but he obviously still has alot to learn about life. This type of behavior is acceptable to him....why ????....Well that is a question you should sit back and really think about. You did raise him right?? He didn't grow up at YALE did he? Maybe you won't read this....I wouldn't want to if I were you. Most children live what they learn. This is your fault...all you can do know is apologize and tell him you will be there when he finally sees the light.

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