What to Do About Adult Son's Girlfriend You Despise Vice Versa
September 25, 2012
San Diego, CA
I should have prefaced this with saying that I and my daughter caught her in the embrace, "new love" kind of goo goo eyes with another man almost a year ago. She walked right in front of my car while I was at a stop sign. We had the windows down and called out her name thinking we were mistaken - this other man clearly had his arms around her and they fought off each other in saying goodbye. Yes, my daughter and I watched from about 25 feet away. I was struck so much by this, but didn't tell my son. Neither did my daughter but she did, saying whatever I tell him about her is a complete lie and not to believe me. So the score is #1 - I am a liar; #2 I am an alcoholic (drink to celebrate my birthday at a restaurant) and #3 I am a lousy cook. Yes we have invited her to things and yes we have included her from day #1. So now almost 2.5 yrs later I should try harder? Ladies please. I give up. Enough advice about being the bigger person. Our entire family and circle of friends have witnessed her rudeness at family bbq's, birthday parties etc. Holidays are the worst.
My highly educated son, YALE GRADUATE, UCLA LAW SCHOOL grad, just passed California Bar 1st time, so now he is a lawyer AND has a job! But this incredibly dumb girl - but oops she does have a B.S in Communications - is so not for him. They have been dating over 2 yrs which to our family is an eternity, and no signs of breakup soon. She is a money grubbing very needy (emotionally and materialistically) girl - actual she is 26 yrs old She can't decide on what job she wants but knows what she wants HIM to do for her. Picks out COACH bags for her gifts, also takes him to Tiffany's for anything else she wants. She contributes nothing and right now is in her 3rd career. He deserves so much better and she is extremely RUDE to his younger siblings ages 14 and 20, needless to say she is HORRIBLY AWFUL to me especially. She has called me an alcoholic while I was in a restaurant celebrating my birthday, she has insulted my cooking on so many occasions, I stopped including her to dinners, both here at the holiday time and in general even if we are going out to dinner. She dresses terrible for really important occasions and was texting her friends during his law school graduation how bored she was during the speeches given. I can go on and on.
Wow! I have taken the high road and its out of my hands in God's hands now. I am done. Our family is done! I know personally what it is like to have the inlaws from Hell so I know how to remove "toxic" people from my life. My inlaws to this day continue to badmouth my husband, myself and our children and they don't even know our last 2 children. After much counseling 15 years ago, my husband agreed to disconnect from his family due to their negative feelings about me. My son witnessed this but doesn't choose to remember these things. Anything negative he conveniently forgets. Oh and I also wanted to mention his fraternity brothers from college, and roommates from law school also don't care for this girl. And they have expressed to him so much so that they banned her from their social events both East Coast and West Coast. Thank you everyone for your responses. He is losing relationships (close ones). So don't need any more responses - I am letting God do his work.
Plain and simple, you are treating her the way she is treating you. With total disrespect and disregard. You are creating a wedge between your son which you adore and will drive him away if you continue to voice your opinions and treat his girlfriend this way. You need to be the adult and suck it up. You're never going to welcome her the way it should be, but for the sake of your relationship with your son, you need to put on your game face and let him make his own decisions and live his own life. Either he will realize this girl is not a good choice for him or you will end up being removed from his life.
Regardless of your opinion of this girl, you need to take a step back and see what is really going on...you seem to have feelings of hatred and anger/bitterness in your heart towards her. Your son is a grown adult man and you need to let him go to make his own decisions. There is no way that he will choose you over her because she is meeting some need that he has and he either loves her or is willing to be with her for whatever reason. So the best you can do is be gracious and accepting towards her. Try to get to know her better and find SOMETHING in common with her. If you get to know her and always strive to look for the positive in her and be positive around her, you won't lose your relationship with your son or possibly, your future grandchildren. That is so important. Strive to be the bigger person and you won't regret it...your son and his girlfriend's education and occupation statuses DO Not Matter here...your continued positivity toward both of them does.
You may not want to hear this but the part of your sons life where you get to make his decisions ended a long time ago. He is an adult and he gets to choose whom he wants to share his life with. The only thing you can and should do is support your son. You say he's smart so trust that he's made the right decisions for him. He may end up marrying this girl someday, if you can't find peace with her and his decision making as an adult it will really drive a wedge in your relationship. As an adult he needs less of a mother figure and more of a supportive friend.
Wow, I find just reading this pretty off putting. You're being overbearing. I always believe that positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. I understand your concerns but its very over bearing. Your son is a young adult that needs to make his own decisions and needs to make his own mistakes and learn from his lessons. This may or may not be the right person for him but that is not your decision to make. Maybe your son finds her to be his equal emotionally. Be the parent and the bigger person. Surrender! You have no control over this matter except to be as loving as possible.
Now- MOST mature men/women... know that there are 2 kinds of "dating." ie: those you marry and those you don't (and are just for fun).
Maybe your son knows this. Maybe he does not take this girl "seriously." For him to allow his girlfriend to act this rudely to you... and the others, is reprehensible. So, Thus, maybe he does know that this girl is not a marrying kind... and so does not really care how she acts... but probably, for now, he does not want a serious girlfriend anyway. Many men (or women) do that ie: they don't want a serious relationship so they don't obtain a "serious" caliber/level girlfriend/boyfriend. THEN, when they do decide to settle-down... then they choose another girlfriend that "is" the marrying kind/marriage material so to speak. Tis' the reason for many changes in relationships.
Being your son is so smart... and successful... maybe he knows this. Or, he is just doing it to irk all of you/his family... and so he chose this dumbo/gold-digger of a rude girlfriend to rebel. But I doubt that. Girls of this sort... could literally spoil his career or the way people perceive him. I assume he does know this, because he is smart and well educated.
Give him some trust... that he knows all this... and trust that he will NOT marry this type of girl. And mostly because she treats you ALL (including him), so reprehensibly.
many many people, are involved in years long relationships... but it does not mean they end up marrying.
First I would apologize to your son for not teaching him what a real woman is and how a real woman should act. He may be HIGHLY educated but he obviously still has alot to learn about life. This type of behavior is acceptable to him....why ????....Well that is a question you should sit back and really think about. You did raise him right?? He didn't grow up at YALE did he? Maybe you won't read this....I wouldn't want to if I were you. Most children live what they learn. This is your fault...all you can do know is apologize and tell him you will be there when he finally sees the light.
since you're son is all grown up now, I think he has to make these decisions on his own. He chose her (he's not a victim), so that says that he has other weaknesses in his character. Once you've given your opinion on a matter, you have to drop it and let your son live his life. You could call Dr. Laura on the radio - she'd give you some real straight-forward advice...
As much as I hate to see my son frustrated, I know he is learning and it is his life to learn in. He will make mistakes, some little and some big. I will be there to provide love and advice when wanted.
If he did not seek someone like you, then look at the example of what love and relationships look like that he was given. He has attracted this person into his life, for a reason.
The more you concentrate on the negative aspects of this girl, the more you will see. Its Law of Attraction 201. Try to always look for something positive in her, about her. Keep your focus there. Make a list and everytime something happens, take out that list and concentrate on it. You will find that you will not notice the negative so much.
4) Continue to not invite her. If her energy does not feel good to you then you should not include her. If your son has not started to insist that you include her, then maybe it is not so serious. If he does insist, then lay the ground rules for how you want to be treated and respected as his Mother. It seems the younger siblings need a lesson in this too, if she treats them badly.
Either she is a good liar or he is blind to her. But he needs to see it for himself. If he is well aware of how she is and how she treats his family, then it would seem that you all let people walk over you. He is not demanding respect for himself. All you can do is be the example of how you want to be treated and let it trickle down.
Oh dear. This has happened in my family, as well. On my side with my brother, and on my husband's side with HIS brother. Both men made terrible matches. The families on both sides could see it right off.
One side (my husband's) said nothing and slogged through it and their son's/brother's marriage. My side asked subtle questions, gave subtle hints regarding their incompatibility and yes, they still married. Both marriages ended and took their natural, terrible courses with a home foreclosure for my brother (he worked his butt off to save their (HIS) credit but she couldn't care less she was completely lazy and self-centered) as well as dealing with his wife's affair.
On my husband's side, my brother-in-law had to make financial payments to his ex for many, many years - even though she had gone back to her home country, England.
The silver lining is that neither marriage produced children (thank God). Both men recovered emotionally and financially eventually and now are happily married, successful and have beautiful children.
What can you do? Ultimately nothing. We must all make our own path and find our own way, learning as we go along. You might have a heart-to-heart (carefully and gingerly) with your son about his intentions with her (marriage or just hanging out) to satisfy your questions, but he must make his choices. I would continue to try and limit your exposure to her and let her foul behavior and attitude roll right off. I wish you the best in this difficult situation.
Ok - have to be quick so sorry if I'm more blunt than is necessary but I've been on two sides of this equation - marrying someone my mother felt was "below me" and marrying someone whose mother thought I was "below him." Just to give you a quick synopsis of current standing.
The guy who was "below me" ended up divorcing ME. My mother and I do not talk in large part to the way she behaved before we were married. I did not inform her when I was getting divorced. He divorced me because I reverted to family behaviors and started acting like her. I now have two sons from my second marriage whom she has not seen in two years (one she has NEVER seen.) She never relented on her stance that "she knew better for me than I did." In hindsight, I probably could have made that marriage work if I had been better prepared with proper examples and could have focused my energy on my husband versus always on the defense of our family.
The man who was "above me" and I have been together through thick and thin. We have been married nearly 6 years with two beautiful boys. His parents are now very supportive - mainly because they made him choose between them and me and he choose me to the EXCLUSION of them. They ALSO spent a portion of my first son's life without seeing nor talking to our family by our choice. My husband forced their hand and made them apologize to me in order to be part of our life again. (Serious big deal - his family is Asian. That whole "saving face" thing is a huge thing to sacrifice for the love of a child and grandchild.) After getting to know me better, they realized that my husband had seen a lot of things in me that they couldn't have seen on the first few meetings. My FIL and MIL (independently and on seperate occasions) eventually confided to me that they thought my husband and I were "more compatible than they (MIL & FIL) were."
Now, I guess it's up to you which scenario you prefer to follow - ultimately, I hope, neither. I will tell you that although not having parents in the picture for us was a nuisance, we were/are at peace with our decisions to keep the unhealthy influences out of our life. So if you're thinking "I'll just punish them/her by removing us/them from gatherings together," I can say it did more damage to the parents in our situation than it did to us. Up to you how to go from here but I'd suggest finding something in common and working from there. It may not be serious, but if you continue fighting them, you will gel them together AGAINST you. If you support them and they truly are a bad match for each other, they can spend their time figuring that out for themselves and come to a decision with which THEY are comfortable.
Probably not what you wanted to hear, but hopefully useful info nonetheless.
I know it's been some time since you posted this question. I have to say that most of these responses are missing one key point. You have to take care of yourself.You've raised your son, and you've looked out for him by telling him about the stop sign. You are done. Now, you have to let him live his life, and you have to live yours. Do what makes you feel better about yourself and your family. If you want to distance yourself away from him and his girlfriend, do it. If you don't want to invite her to family gatherings, then don't do it. If you are more concerned about your son walking away, then, by all means, put on a happy face. No matter what you do, you have to be okay with yourself every day. Putting on a happy face may be what everyone else thinks you should do because he is your son, but will that make you happy? Everyone else may think that your son walking away is horrible, but some distance and separation may bring you more peace for now. You can't live your life for your son. Your life is just as important as his. You may be his mother, but you are also a special person yourself. You are someone's wife. You are a beloved part of your family. Don't let your son or his choice of girlfriends ruin the best times of your life. You ultimately have the power to make the choice about your life. Don't sacrifice yourself, your marriage, or your family for this situation. By the way, we can be the best mothers, and the world will still find fault with us when our adult children make their own foolish decisions. In other words, don't take some of these other responses personally. As for myself, my situation was similar to yours. I've decided to take a much needed break from my son, and I'm enjoying the peace. I miss him a little, but my marriage and family are happier, and I am happier and healthier. Things may change in the future, but we both need some space to live our own lives at this point in time. Without the drama, I've even had time to join a gardening club and take up a new hobby. You are a good mother! Good luck!
As much as it sucks, you have to stay out of it. Set up boundaries for what you will accept in your home, but it's ultimately up to him who he wants to be with and who he marries. You risk putting a wedge between you and your son if try and get him to leave her.
i am dealing with exactly the same issues and have had to "write off" both of them for my own sanity. these girls get their hooks in them and our sons become walking robots to the girls every thought , decision, and take on her opinions... forgetting their own. including the disrespectful behaiour towards his mother. i figure it wont last long, due to the fact he will come to terms with losing majority of our side of the family, due to her. so chin up , remember, we as moms still have lives to live to the fullest
there is not to much you can do about who your son dates if you can get him alone you might casually nention whaaaaata you have sent us but be as sweet to her as you can she may end up as a daughter in law lets hope he wake up soon . A. ho hills
Hi Lori! I probably have way more simple advice than the majority of others who wrote in. I say pray with an open heart as much as you can that:
1. your son ends up with the best woman meant for him.
2. that you have the patience to endure her if does indeed pick this woman.
3. grit your teeth and be as decent to her as you can. If your son eventually marries her it's much better to have him in your life w/her than to alienate him and risk not having him because of tension between you & her. Besides, if you take the high road, despite what she may do it will become obvious even to him that it's her who is being difficult
I remember having a boyfriend for 2 years that my family DESPISED, but I had no clue. My Mom said she prayed all the time that we would break up. (Thankfully we did break up, he really was a JERK) Later when she told me, I asked her why she never expressed her true feelings & she said it was my life and she didn't want to lose the relationship she had with me. She knew it would only make things worse if she was openly hostile to him since I would have taken his side. The only other thing I would take into consideration is to ask yourself if your son really seems happy with her. If he does, I would think that might help you see her in a different light. Or at least make it slightly more tollerable. :)
Hope things work out well.
I cannot add anything to the right-on responses I have been reading. I can however add that life would be very sad for you if they marry, have kids & she does not allow you to see your grandchildren (this has happened to my good friend.). Maybe you can find something about her you like & focus on that. It doesnt matter if she is "highly educated" or not. Her/his education should not matter. It is the person inside that matters.
Sounds like the girl is one of these types that feels really really entitled. Someone else should be taking care of her...she takes care of no one. It is unfortunate that your son has gotten attached to her at some level. How deep is the question. Does he hope to marry her? You might ask him if he has long-term goals with this relationship. He may or may not.
Try not to take all the rudeness too personally. She would be this way with almost anyone. But certainly do not feel compelled to invite her to family events. Does your son understand why you do not want her there? Does he care? You sort of left his perceptions (if known) out of your description of the situation.
You will not be able to do much to about the girl's personality and behavior, but the depth of the relationship and communication with your son will determine how much peace you can make. Good luck.
Unfortunately there are alot of girls out there like that. You are sounding very immature yourself right now too. Your son must like her to stay with her for that amount of time. Its probally a sexual thing! If she is cute and gives him lots of attention, then maybe he is needing that. When he gets bored, he will dump her and hopefully find someone that you will like better :) For her being rude to you and your family, thats unexceptable and he should put a stop to it! But if you are rude to her, then she is probally feeling that and just her way of returning it. Good luck and remember you probally wont ever think anyone is good enough for your son.
Sounds like her social skills haven't been cultivated, nor her ability to show empathy. On top of this, her self-centered motivations with material accouterments sound like she may be high functioning autism called Aspergers. But I work with these people and see these qualities daily. This may never change, however, addressing you son with these concerns about social skills and not attacking her may soften the blow. Also, you may want to increase your ability to deflect her abrupt comments, maybe even take her aside and let her know you are hurt by specific things she says.
so so so sorry to hear about it:) But I believe that if you treat her bad or show your son that you dislike her he (son) will look at her more with love. Try to be indiferent towards her and treat her nice. Maybe if he sees that you don't care much might wake up from this dream girl:) I will say a prayer for you and your family:) You might want to get your son do some pro bono work for the holidays and he can see how other people struggle and be so busy he can't think about this girl and change his priorities:) Maybe have all the family volunteer this holiday for under privilage people and include his girlfriend and he will see that she really doesn't care much for them and might wake up? wish you the best keep in touch I live in California how about you guys:) I have several organization you might be interested in helping:)
Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. You can attempt to speak to him about her, but more than likely it will only cause a rift between you and your son. You have every right not to invite her, but sometimes killing the enemy with kindness works better than pouring salt on the wound... or keeping your friends close and your enemies even closer. Hopefully he will wake up and realize what type of woman he has... either that or maybe he is the type of man who wants that trophy by his side or on his arm and he could care less what it takes to keep her...
Your son is grow. If you trust him not to judge you, have a conversation about her and his intentions toward her. But be very careful.
I assume she did not graduate with her B.S. from YALE. Did you? I don't know if you realize it but you sound like an elitist. A college degree of any sort is something to be proud of.
Oh my Gosh , I am going though something similiar with my sons girlfriend of 2 yrs and to read a lot of these comments I have to say is appauling to me. In my situation since this girl has came into my sons life everything has been nothing but drama and chaos. Only this girl has sociopath tendacies and feels she has to cause drama continuiously with whoever seems to take my sons attention away from her. If she doesn't get what she wants, she will go to any length to get it, even making it as if she is in competition with me his Mother for is attention. That to me seems like the weirdest thing. I have never heard of anything like it in my life. But the thing is she turns everything around to my son ,making it seem like its all us not liking her and provoking these things and seriously gets him to believe her. We have done about everything we could and I am at my wits end with this. This girl has completely changed our whole family's life. When his sister and friend's would come around our whole family would laugh and joke around and be happy, doing fun things on the weekends and everything. Now his girlfriend caused drama with him for everyone in our family and has just about taken all the fun out of our family . We barely even get together for family gatherings any longer. We have continuiously tried to accept this girl trying to look at things in every light , letting him make his own choices and decisions, as a lot of you have said and it has totally only let her feel she again has gotten her way. He doesn't understand that there are people like this out in this world. He feels sorry for her and her childhood troubles and how she was treated by her family, and how all her other boyfriends parents didn't like her and wanted to break them up so he continues this relationship. Not wanting to add to her past experiences . I just wish this person just wouldn't have even met my son at all and that is terrible to state or even feel . So for a lot of you to feel that the son's family has to live their life always making exceptions and going the extra mile to make him and her feel welcome supporting ,accepting and forgiving over and over just because we are his parents and his family to me ,,is not " right ". I am sorry but there has got to be a line that shouldn't be crossed no matter what we are his family and deserve respect also. I feel a lot of you are not putting yourselves in our places. It should not be something this hard to just want happiness and laughter for our sons and our lives. I feel for any parent's that has or will have to deal with something like this ,as we do. God Bless.
Hi Lori, I am not going to tell you be the bigger person, I have 2 grown sons one is 26 and married to a beautiful young woman, and i have a 22 year old son who is dating a 19 year old girl, they started dating when he was 19 and she wasonly 15, I had a her family fell in love with my son, how ever I had a problem with her age, and the disfuntucual family she comes from, but I learned that when our kids are grown you can't make choices for them, or make decisions for them. You mentioned that your son is this high educated young man, so has he not seen all these things you mentioned, it sounds to me like she has a ring in his nose, and he doesn't even see, it that's not to smart.Or he see's something in her the rest of you don't see, so sit down with him,ask him what attracted him to this woman, ask him what her strenghts and weaknesses are. if you sit down with your son you may learn some things that you don't know about, I did about my 22 year old sons girl friend, she come from a mother who has the morals of a toilet seat, and the maternal instict of a potatoe, and I didn't want these people to be my sons inlaws one day, but over the past 5 years, I have grown to love this young lady, who doesn't always make good choices for herself, but understandabled, my son loves her and I love my son, and thats what it boils down too. You may want to find out why she despises you, and go from there. You don't want to put a stumbling block in your relationship with your son. I hope things get better by Christmas. J.
Wow. Sounds like my cousin's girlfriend, except that he's 27 and she's only 19. Nothing that his parents have tried. It's been at least 2 years and she still comes around almost every day. They fight like cats and dogs, but he doesn't seem to want to break up with her. All we can do is cross our fingers at this point and hope he gets tired of the fighting. He doesn't seem to care about anyone else's opinion of her.
Who he dates is his choice, not yours. If you want a relationship with your son, you need to accept that and welcome the woman he obviously loves. Maybe she is attacking you because you are attacking her? I can't imagine being in her shoes as you come across in writing as a very difficult woman. I am just being honest here. But I'm sure you mean well. Life is too short. What if your son developed cancer or God forbid another tragedy struck. Would you say to yourself that you are glad that you never accepted his girlfriend? I doubt it. You seem to be criticizing her every move and calling her dumb? What makes her dumb? So she likes nice things. Who cares. It sounds like your son can afford them. He's a big boy. Have some faith in him and his decisions. Men are usually drawn to women that are similar to their mother so maybe you should look in the mirror? Sorry if thsi comes across harshly, I just hate ot read about anyone, even a stranger, acting like the situation you are in is the end of hte world. It sounds like you have many blessings, one of which is a successful child. You've obviously done something right. Let him go. It's his life. Accept his choices. Make peace and enjoy life.
It is amazing what we see on the outside looking in. :) Killing them with Kindness will usually let their true colors show. Set your bounderies, on how she treats and talks to you and the other family members, that is esential!Your son being so smart should see how she treats the others and not put up with it, I would think.
I agree with Dinorah and Elizabeth, as well, on the more humorous side, hahaha. There are quite a few Movies that deal with this type of situation that will be great things to think about. hahahhaa. However, the only thing you can truly do is ask your son what he see's in her and ask him what his intentions are? Perhaps before or after you may decide to show him that she isn't in Love with him, only his Money, A great way is like one of the ladies suggested pro bono work and helping with charities and let HIM see how she reactes.(The parent trap is a good one to get idea's hahahaa. 'movie' ) If you can proove that with out ruining your relationship with him you've just saved a divorce later on. But sometimes it is their Journey.
There is NOTHING you can do other than to not have her around YOU. You cannot stop her from dating your son or even marrying your son and having his children. He is an adult and is going to do what he wants and if you want to have a relationship with him at all, you are going to have to let him do it. Maybe one day they will break up, maybe they will get married and divorced. But don't think for a second that your son is going to choose you over someone he has been with for two years who he probably loves or is strongly attracted to for some reason. All you will do is come off as controlling and he will distance himself from you to be with her. She sounds awful however if your son is as smart and educated as you say, perhaps he will eventually realize she is not for him. The important thing is you have to indulge him as his mother and let him go on with her. You DO NOT have to tolerate her bad behavior towards you and you can simply take your son aside and CALMLY tell him why you don't want to invite her over..that she is rude to YOU. You don't need to go on about how she dresses, that's very petty and you will alienate yourself from your son. Grown kids do this all the time..they stop having relationships with their parents if their parents don't approve of their dating choices. Be VERY careful as you are on thin ice with your son if you make him choose between you and his girlfriend. Just be reasonable with him, be calm and tell him PRIVATELY, preferably in person if you can, that you do not want to invite her out or be around her because of the way she treats YOU and how it hurts you to see how she treats HIM..but please don't get petty about how he's so much better than she is. Moms want the best for their children and your position is very understandable but your son is driven by his heart or libido for this girl and you can't stop that. You can only hold your breath, bite your tongue other than to explain what I wrote above, and hope this passes and he finds a more suitable girl for him. He will appreciate and respect you more with the way you handled this once it's all over and he will feel better introducing you to the next one rather than be afraid to bring someone in the future home for fear you will also not like that one. Be wise and look at the big picture.
I can totally relate to your feelings. However, you need to make the best of it. Your children will make choices you don't agree with, but you need to support it. If you make a big deal of it, then you'll be the one pushed aside, not the girlfriend. Furthermore, if the relationship progresses to marriage and/or kids, the girlfriend will then have control over a lot more than just your son. Your relationship with her is important also so you won't be seen as the "evil mother-in-law". Your son is a smart man and obviously sees something he loves in this girl. The best gift you can give your son is to accept his girlfriend, include her as part of the family, and be happy for him.
Not that I blame you because she could be total B, but I think this is where MIL/DIL (even if they are not married yet) problems begin. Most people start in this relationship thinking it is doomed. How often do we hear about GREAT MIL/DIL reletionships? Yes there are some but we hear more about the bad than the good. Maybe one teeny tiny thing happened one time that you did that hurt her and she put her guard up. Now she will nit pick and be down your back with every teeny tiny mistake you make. Maybe you should try to have a talk with her. Tell her you acknowledge that you two don't see eye to eye and don't get along. But the greatest thing you have in common is the love for your son. Neither of you want him in the middle of this. Tell her that you want her to be respected and welcomed in your home and that she should be a gracious guest. If your food sucks (or something else) she should not criticize. YOu need to do everything you can to make this relationship work. If they do get married he WILL pick HER over YOU when things happen. You don't want to be on the outside.
I have the worst relationship with my inlaws. They offend me EVERYTIME I see them. (I think it has to do with their son. he was the first to get married and leave home even though he was not the oldest, so I don't think they were prepared. This was ammunition for everything I do, they will not like it.) Therefore I have anxiety before we get together with them. I am completely nervous and flustered. That NEVER happens to me except when we will be meeting them. So for sure I am in defense mode when they talk with me. I am not comfortable to let them in. YOU DO NOT want THIS to happen TO YOU. Good luck, I hope you can work it out.
Do you have an update 2 years later? I am in the exact position you were/are. I have taken the high road and it just seems to me that by doing that she feels validated in her actions. She has posted nasty things about me on facebook. My son made her take them down but no apology, he said it is just to hard for her to apologize. He can't even come out and visit us without her calling crying about some drama that is going on (each time it has turned out to be nothing, but it is her way of making him feel guilty for leaving her to come see us.) His visits with us are every couple of months (we live two states away) and he stays for less than week most times so it ins't like it is a long visit away from her. She cry's all the time, in the middle of a store at a football game, it doesn't matter. It is her way of controlling the situation. She wears sweatpants all the time, it is a battle to try and get her to wear jeans let alone anything nice. She thinks we should pay for everything because we are "rich". I do make good money but by no means are we rich. I drive a nice car but I worked hard to get it (full time work with full time school to get a masters degree to get a good job). My son has not gone to college yet because he is waiting for her to graduate (she is 3 years younger) so he is wasting his life. He is so smart and aced the ACT and had a full ride scholarship but he would have had to be 5 hours away from her so she threw a fit. He is a drummer in a band and has had to miss several activities the band mates have done because she couldn't go or didn't want to go. His father is very vocal about his opinion and that creates issues. His sister and him are best friends so she keeps her mouth shut and I have been very very quite on it, and if you knew me you would know that is a major accomplishment. However, we are at the point were we have cut off all help to him. He totaled his car shortly after we moved away, so we bought him a new one but it isn't as nice as the previous, that made her mad, and we refuse to pay insurance so the car is now parked at my parents, that made her mad as well. I won't give him gas money to give to her for running him around, I don't bail him out when they need anything. I do still buy him clothes and such when I go out there or he comes out here, but that is it. I tried to be really nice even bought her school clothes when they all came out and she verbally attacked me because I spent more on my daughter (who is under age and still in high school living at home with me) then I did on him who is legally an adult and made the decision to not move with us, instead to live with her. I can't please her, so how do I continue in my relationship with my son with this wall being built by her between him and I? We have always been close, but I am not the kind of mom that expects to be #1 in his life forever, I want him to find a good girl and be happy, and I have liked several of his girlfriends. This is the first one I haven't and it is the one that seems to be lasting the longest. At 17 this girl has already slept around more than most girls I know and doesn't seem to get that it is wrong....
Do Nothing. Your son (as you titled this)is an adult. Treat him like one and maybe he will act like one. Let the man be a man. If you don't let go, how is he ever supposed to do that? Maybe that is her hold on him; she let's him feel like a man not a boy.
It's not your job to make his decisions. It's your job to love and support him regardless of his decisions.
Your son sounds very educated maybe you should trust his decision. As far as MIL's go, I don't know many that approve of their perfect son's choices in women. None seem to be good enough. He obviously has seen something in her that you are missing and maybe you should try to get along with her, sounds like she may be around a while.
Your son is an adult. You need to trust his judgement and that you raised him well. His relationship with his girlfriend is clearly serving him in some way, whether you recognize it or not. You don't have to like her. You just need to love and support him (including his decisions). Let go of judging her and try to find something redeemable about her. You can do it. Do it for your son. If you warm up to her, you might even find that she reciprocates. Either way, this is not about you. It's his life. Furthermore, your opposition to his girlfriend can only serve to deteriorate the relationship you currently have with your son.
G. Brown, M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
Firstly, this posting doesn't say what the son feels about her? I understand ALL your complaints (even though I don't agree that "degree" status makes a person better than the other)...but this just talks about YOUR experience.
What does your son say about his relationship? Has he complained about his girlfriend? Have you asked him "why" he is with her? Do you even know if it bothers him to buy her "materials"? Some of the materialistic and carreer concerns you have with her, so far only state concerns YOU have with you. This is you YALE GRADUATE, LAWYER son's girlfriend, and if you portray him to be so intelligent then give him some credit and dig digger as to "why" he is with her? Bottom line, he's an adult, hes "obviously" intelligent, and there must be something to this girl to keep him intridged for 2 years. Reality all you can do (and probably already have done) is talk to him frankly of your concerns, but be weary of the "shoulds and guilts" that parents often want to give... if he's happy, be happy for him. You have done right by now allowing a rude person to your dinner table, and its important to tell him why that is, and that you wish "certain manners & respect" be given to you from her. Best of luck...I know how much parents want the best for their children, and you've made it clear she is not the best for him....but you may just have to learn the make the "best" of the situation. I'm a Communication Studies Graduate Student...and if she knows anything about our field...she should be able to communicate much more appropriately than described. The "degrees" and "jobs" don't always make the person.