What to Do About 4 Year Relationship

M.,

Have you really talked to him about the consequences of your getting a second job? Less time at home means someone else responsible for taking care of your son, and who's going to do all the stuff that you do after you get home? Does he really want to take on dinner prep, laundry, bedtime, your son's homework, housework, etc? Or does he think you'll "somehow" fit all that in, too? Does he want to come home from work every day in the future to two or three children and no partner to share the load of taking care of them because you are at work ALL the time? Does he want to kiss those nights out for a drink goodbye, because he's got a responsibility at home that can't be met by anyone else? Has he really thought about all that this would mean, or has he just thought about the extra cash?

Is it really about making more money? Could you go to school for a year or so in the evenings to upgrade your skills, and make more money doing one job? To a limited extent, I can see where he's coming from in feeling it's important that you you are meeting on even ground in terms of income, particularly since a good portion of that money goes to raising your son, who is not his. Kids are expensive, and a lot of guys are hesitant to get put in a position where they are working to support someone else's child. It's not an attractive point of view, but it does happen.

What do you need the extra money for? Do you live in an apartment, and are looking to buy a home together? Are you finding that your two incomes as they are right now can't pay the bills? If he can't give you a concrete answer for WHY you need to make more money before you get married, then you might want to consider the possbility that it is a stall tactic, and go from there in making your decision as to what to do about your relationship.

Jess

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M.:

I understand how you feel, the most important thing you can do is be supportive and flexible. Instead of taking a second job, find a better paying position than the one you have now.

You asked and he answered re: the engagement/wedding. Now just relax and let the details work themselves out. Do not try to force things to fit your timetable...in the end you want a man that loves you and is a good husband/father/provider. RESPONSIBLE men don't rush into a marriage before they can provide and he is most likely concerned about the money for his new and soon to be growing family. Kids are expensive!!! If you two are meant to be, what's the rush? There is so much more to marriage than the ceremony.

Relax and enjoy each day as it comes.

K.

from my personal experience's if you know you are in love with him and he's in love with you why rush marriage? i know you've been together for 4 yrs but marriage dosent always meen the final step.I'am a single mom of 2 boys ive been married and divorced and recently engaged for four years and neither lasted.if you continue to rush the mariage think he might be backing away from it because alot of men are scared to make that step.as far as the second job i would seriously talk to hiom cause you are right being a mom is deffinatly a 24hr job and with you already working full time anopther job would be way to much to handle.
so if you guys are in love and happy with living together right now leave it that way if things get rushed it might fall apart.
hope i helped a little

That is a tough call. I am sure if you leave him you will miss him and have a hard time wanting to start over with someone else. After 4 years you become very, very comfortable with each other.
The marriage thing is different for everyone. Money is not really an issue, since you have been sharing bills and living together for so long, it's not like you are going to get married and move from your parents house into a new life.

Some men just don't want to get married, There are tons of reasons why. But often it's the woman who wants it, and the man doesn't want to loose her, but also isn't ready to tie the knot.

Besided keeping up appearances with your girlfriends, what reason do you have to be married? Are you ready for another baby? That is a good reason. But there are not too many others that make a difference if the relationship is strong, paper or no paper shouldn't make a difference.

Do you think his behavior will change if you get married? Think again.

A second job is no treat. I wouldn't even consider it myself, because I have a family to care for and spend precious time with in the evening. So do you.

Do you think there are other reasons he "goes out" after work, has commitment issues, wants you to spend more time away working, and isn't willing to support your household more..

Hi M.,
I'm really sorry your having this problem. I can relate pretty well. I'm in my second marriage and I had two kids with my first husband. When I met Michael he got along great with my kids and they really loved him. I know how hard it would have been to end the relationship with him once we, all three of us!, were attached. Luckily, I didn't have to.
It seems clear that your boyfriend is having some kind of issue with your relationship. I'm not sure if it's really about the money. Could he have issues about financially supporting your son? A lot of men just can't ever make the commitment to be the parent to a non-biological child. They would never admit it, of course, that would make them a big jerk, but it sure does happen a lot. I know you said he has a good relationship with your son but as long as he hasn't commited to you he's not obligated to your child.
I'm a little confused about him wanting you to work a second job. I mean, it sounds like you work all day, come home and take care, not only of your son, but the other responsabilities of the home. Is he willing to take on all these household things that you do so you can go out and bring in an extra income? Would he be caring for your son while your gone to the second job? And.... you work all day long so evenings are when you get to spend quality time with your son. It seems like a pretty selfish request to me. Your son needs you WAY MORE than the money you would earn at some part time job. If your boy friend dosen't see that it dosen't sound like he has a "parenting focused" way of thinking. You said he wanted more children. More children would just increase your need to be home and increase household expenses. That just dosen't add up. Is he just telling you what you want to hear?
Four years is a really long time. I know you love him and, after four years, it's a pretty safe bet that he loves you too! He's been with you and your son since your son was still tiny but who can say if he loves you enough? Your son is almost six, in four more years he'll be almost ten. When I look at my kids I can't beleive how the years just slip by. One thing I'm 100% sure of, your son needs to see his mom do what's best for her. (And him too) If he's going to have a dad, he needs to have one that's there for him and his mom all the way. Your giving this guy a gift!!!! Your letting him share in the joy of seeing your little boy grow into the man he will be! Tell him not to be STUPID and mess it up!

Hi M., One word came to mind while reading your request - NO! You do not need a 2nd job - being a mom is a full time job in itself! If this man loves you and knows you want to get married then you should be married by now. It sounds like he's incapable of making the commitment. You deserve better for yourself and your son. It wont be your turn until you find the right guy and you can't find him if you're wasting your time with this one. Good luck to you. I hope you can find the strength to start over and find the happiness you and your little boy deserve. J.

Hi,

That sounds like a really tough situation to be in. First of all, he gives you the reason of income as to put off being married. Does this mean that expects to have x-number of dollars before he marries you? Is HE doing anything to save money? Are you guys hurting financially and that's why he wants you to take a 2nd job? It sounds more logical for him to take a 2nd job since he has a lot of free time to go out with friends.

I think you need to sit down with him and talk this out. Make sure he has no doubts how you feel. This is a man that won't commit to you but wants all the benefits of being married. If he's not going to take the next step, then you need to move on. This whole situation isn't fair to your son, either.

At the age of 26 marriage should not be on your mind, If you have given him four years of your life and he hasn't asked you to marry him yet then he isn't ready yet.Also it seems like he wants you to take time away from your children and concentrate on work, If you do that you won't have time for him or the children. Remember to look before you leap.

I truely believe that any marriage is not a 50/50 deal, but that each partner has to be willing to give 100%. Your boyfriend seems to be selfish and immature. He has placed demands on you without showing that he is willing to change his current behaviors to help meet finacial goals. You talked of wanting more children, has he said how this will work for the future family if you are expected to work full time? Will they be in daycare (which is not cheap)? You need to hammer out a budget for yourselves so you have an idea of what income is going to be needed to meet your obligations and have enough to enjoy life.
You have spent enough time on a relationship that seems to be stagnent. Give him a time frame for progress, such as a wedding date and plans that move ahead, if he outright fusses over this or refuses I think you have your answer.

M.: Do not get a second job so that you can get married. That is just a cop out on your boyfriends part. Your child needs you to be home at night. If your boyfriend is willing to move in with you and play "house" he should be ready to be married. My advice is to ask him to move out and if he really wants to get married he will do it without living together. Your child is your number one priority....It is important for your child to see a stable relationship. It is also important for your child to understand what a commitment is. Right now your boyfriend is not giving you one.

I hope that this helps, God bless

S.

Hello M., i hope im not being to forward in sayin this, he says you need to get a second job.. whats wrong with him getting a second job since he says its the finances holding marriage back, being a mom is a first , second , n lifetime full time job, you say you both want more kids, him 2 ,you 1 in that sense he needs to b the one gettin the second job unless he expects you to work 2 jobs while carrying n caring for all 4 kids all by urself, n if thats the case, then you really need to ask yourself if hes the one you want to spend your life with..

Honey he's just stringing you along I'm sorry but if he wanted to marry you he would have done it years ago it's not fair to you or your son your teaching him it's ok to just live with someone with no commitment or rules he's like my soon to be ex-husband he wants his life and you it doesn't work that way you can find someone that really loves you and your son I believe moving back in with your parents get on your feet and on with your life your son is about old enough to understand just make sure you explain the situation to him in his terms ofcourse I wish you all the best it's a hard choice but with god's help you can get through all the best of luck, god bless,A.

i am sorry its really an easy thing to say but not so easy to do. kick him to the curb... having a job and being a mother to your 6 year old son is already 2 job so you would have to have a third job. i dont think so there is someone else out there who will appreciate you for who and what u are cause u know you are very special. its going to be hard since your son is so attached but in time its the best thing for the both of you take care and good luck gbu..... J.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship problems. :o( My advice to you would be to let him go and move on. If you are having issues now, getting married to this man isn't going to make things better. It's going to be hard, but you and your son deserve to be loved, treated, respected, and cared for the way that you would like. You have to decide if it is worth the extra effort to try and fix things. I'll be the first to admit, every relationship has issues and things aren't perfect, but if your relationship is 'stuck' in neutral, you have to make the change to move forward. I wish you and your son the best! Good Luck!
:o)R.

Hi M.,

You need to do what is BEST for you. Pure and simple. this living situation is forcing you to settle for somethign you do not want - do not settle. Please stand up for yourself, put your foot down and take your stand. Another job is NOT the answer for you.

If anything - do it for your son. Your son is watching you - whether you realize it or not - are showing him what is acceptable in a relationship. He will grow into a man - and his example of manhood is a man who lingers on his promises and does not consider his partner. This is a VERY VERY impressionable age - you both are setting the tone for him, setting hte standard, setting the example.

I know this firsthand - my mom made a few choices while i was growing up, that made it difficult for me to leave abusive relationships because I thought you were supposed to "stick it out" if you loved someone.

If not for yourself - for your son - so that he can learn how to stand up for himself when he is a compromising situation or he can learn not to put people (women) in compromising situations as he gets older.

and who knows - your boyfriend just might come around - of course I wouldnt recommend moving back intogether til you DO walk down the aisle - so as to avoid the SAME sticky situation.

All the same - this decision should be made for YOU adn the best interest of your son. Whatever the decision is....

Good luck!

I wish I could give you some advice on this one but I am in the same boat and debating weather to end it or wait a little longer. I also have a 5 year old and have been in this relationship a little under 4 years. I am sick of waiting and I dont know what to do either. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

I honestly think he's giving you the runaround. If you are already living together and paying for expenses there is no reason to not get married if that's what you both want. It doesn't cost any more to be married. I think it's pathetic that he told you to get another job. Working 1 job is hard enough while being a mom. Your child needs you. I, personally, wouldn't have moved in without the engagement ring and wedding date planned, but that's me.

It sounds like you have some tough decisions to make. Good luck.

hi, Michele, hang in there... I waited 12 years before me and my boyfriend finally got married. But there are a few things that you need to work out before you commit to a marriage, one is his wanting you to get a second job, finalize that now before you get any further into this relationship, second is you need to make time for yourself, start going out one night a week with your co-workers or even just to catch a movie by yourself, this helps you recharge and renew your attitude about harth and home. Don't cave in... unless you are absolutley certain that you nolonger want to do what you do. Your boyfriend should be supportive of your job because it allows you to be home taking care of his child ( and will give you the oppurtunity to be home for the 2 other children that he wants in the future). Unless you are activily saving for a wedding you finances are never going to be right, with children something always comes along that take priority. Now once you take a long hard look at this man (not through the eyes of love as my mom would say - put really look at your relationship weiht the pros and cons) you might want to consider asking him to marry you.
this is the 21st century and women are taking charge, change the fairy tale around a little bit. With you doing the asking you get to make the decisions and plan everything the way you want it.

Don't get a second job. That guy needs to understand that you are a mother and your son needs you. From what you are saying, you two aren't having financial troubles. He just wants you to make more money. Tough.

I can't say whether you should stay with the guy or not as I don't really know your story but generally from what you have said I think he sucks. lol...not really. But I do think that you two need to sit down and sort out your priorities. Good luck!

Dump him!

And, when you do he will say all the right things. He will swoon you and make you weak in the knees and promises of getting married.

Tell him you'll believe it when you see it. Tell him you want action. He's totally having his cake and eating it, too. On top of that he wants to put pressure on you to provide more money! Get out of here!

I'm sure he's a nice guy and he loves you very much. But, he's being unfair to you and your son.

He's got all these privileges and all you want is a stable home for your son and a committment.

Tell him it's over. And, again, don't settle for promises. When he has an engagement ring and the hall reserved is when you take him back. An engagement ring means nothing. You could be engaged for 12 years. Tell him you want hall reserved, too!

I know it's not easy hearing this but, it just sounds so unfair was he's doing.

I wish you luck! Don't get a second job! I work full-time and I have to come home to cook, clean, bathe my beautiful boy, read him stories and so on and so forth.

Your man's not supposed to be stressing you out, rather supporting you and making you feel good, most of the time at least.

Hi M....

I am so glad for you that things are looking better and going forward more..I do understand about working but taking care of your son also..

If you are interested ..I do direct sales..For two different companies...ATHOME AMERICA AND HOMEANDGARDENPARTY..

I work mostly weekends but do some parties during the week at night if someone asks me too..I make my extra money to help with the family exspenses..It has helped me so that we were able to afford a newer car...

Right now you cna join ATHOME AMERICA FOR FREE.. you only pay the shipping and tax ,which is about $45.00,,not bad when you get over $450.00 of merchandise in your kit.. You get to work your hours around your sons needs..all the while making some good money..You do one show which usually lasts an hour and a half and depending on your homeshow total you make a couple hundred bucks..I just recently did a show that lasted an hour and I walked away making $350.00 ..not bad for a nights work..

If your interested give me a call..T. ###-###-####.I am in shirley too...

I was in a similar situation 3 years ago (though I did not have a child). I wrote my BF (now husband) a long letter explaining how I felt and that I was not going to wait any longer. I was prepared to leave him, so you need to be too. I left the letter for him and then went to my yoga class. When I got home, he had bought wine & proposed. I know not everyone responds to ultimatums very well but I think the seriousness of the situation got to him and maybe it will get to yours too. You can't live in limbo forever, & you are right its not fair. You deserve this. My friend once told me a saying "Piss or get off the pot".
As for getting a second job, tell him that you already have 2 full time jobs (being a mom IS a full time job) and that you cannot squeeze another one in.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck!

I was in just about the same situation that you are...I learned it the hard way and I am still trying to figure my next move.

My son is 5..and his father and I have known each other for 8 years...we met really young at 16. We were separated for 2 years and things got more confusing.

We were suppose to get married, got engaged but never fell through because of some distraction..I moved back in with him because at the time we were separated he took my son....which was hell. The main reason I got back with him is for my son..

Sorry its just a basic run down...its very detailed though...

You lived with your boyfriend for a year..do you really know him...I lived with my son's father for 4-5 years..and Im still learning new stuff. And to get another job is crazy? When will you see your son? Who will take care of your son? For example when i was in school I saw my son for 15-20 min. each morning before I took him to daycare and then go to school...I bartended at night and worked literally 6 days a week sometimes 7 days a week..there were times that I would not see my son and interacte with him for weeks and days at a time...Do you want that? I regret it at times because I missed alot in my son's life.

I just quit my job and I have been having the time of my life...because every moment is for my son...I take him to school pick him up, we hang out, do homework, cook together, watch a movie..everything and I LOVE IT!!

Spend time with your son...if you have to live with your parents until things get situated do it...I didn't have that luxury.

Make your decision based on emotion and logic...not just the heart..Will all 3 of you be happy in the end? If getting married really is that important to you don't push it on him cause it could make matters worse. Why is money an issue for him? Does he save or blow it when he goes out those days? You have to prepare ahead especially for your son..

Decide what you think is best for all of you....

If he is not making you happy now will he make you happy in the future??

Crazy..but maybe make a list of pros and cons and take it from there...so you can see it and make a decision from there..

I wish you the best of luck...I know its hard as hell...but without struggle and pain how would we learn and grow

I hope this helped somehow

Dear M.,
I think your logic and thought process are correct when you state that you would like to know his intentions so you can move on. You only live once, and your dream is to be married with a family. You have the family part down, but you live with a guy that refuses to marry you based upon a weak reason. My parents married very poor, and are still together (40 yrs later) and are happier than ever. They struggled in the beginning, but worked hard and do very well for themselves now. His answer about money is WEAK. It should not even be a factor when deciding to marry. Marriage is about love, support and sharing lives together, not how much (or little) cash your partner makes. After 4 yrs of living together, if he hasn't asked yet, he doesn't plan on it, especially if you have asked him already. Pack up your things and start fresh. Don't waste your life with a man that won't share your dream to be married. Good luck with everything!

M.,
First let me say that there is no reason for you to get another job. As far as your boyfriend...well if you have been telling him you are ready to go forward and he isn't maybe its time to move on. The threat of you leaving won't work, you have to make it real for him. You know the saying... If you love something set it free if it comes back its yous if it dosent it never was. I think I would pack a bag and go to your parents for a couple of days. tell him you are really botered by his failure to really commit to you and that you need time to think about where YOU want go from here. That will give him time to be without you and think about what he wants.
Hope all works out for you.

This is a rough situation. I think that time is precious, and your time with your son is invaluable. If you took a second job then you would have no time with your child. If you really don't think that he won't marry you because of money issues then you are probably right. Put your foot down and make a stand. Also, have him realize that if you took a second job that he would have to help you out more around the house like clean, laundry, and cook etc. Good Luck!!

If I were you I would probably throw him to the curb. You will be so miserable at a 2nd job and end up resenting him for it. I honestly think there must be more going on with this situation on his end. I know you are feeling like you you are being "left behind" by all your friends getting married and what not, but things will happen for you when they are suppose to. Don't compare your life to your friends. Everyone's situation is different. And if you end up pressuring and pushing your boyfriend into a marriage he sin't ready for or want right now then you will be in for alot of problems because he will resent you. I think you guys are long overdue for a serious talk and not one that lasts for 5 minutes where his only response is"I love you and want to marry you" and then it's over. You need more answers than that and you deserve more answers than that. Only then will you really know whether to end the relationship or hold on. Good luck!

Wow! Four years is a long time. I've been with mine for three years. The best idea is to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Ask him the exact reason why he wants you to get another job. Yes, he may make more but statistically women still make less in the workplace doing the SAME WORK AS MEN! So that is to be expected. I make less than my fiance does but he's never asked me to get a 2nd job and trust me we've struggled. Go over your finances, we recently saw someone about getting a house, and we wrote down what we spend on what. It's amazing once you see how much $ you spend on dining out, or even that morning coffee run. If you can make dinners at home, and brew your coffee at home etc than you can save a lot! If you can't make ends meet, have him invite his friends over for some beer you buy at the package store, its a lot cheaper, beer at the bar is from $3-$6 a bottle you can get a six pack for that. I wouldn't pressure him for a ring though, I felt the same way as you do for a while about my fiance, he finally gave me one a few days after our daughter was born. I don't like trying to pressure someone into marriage, because then it may not work out. I've already been married once, and truly believe we rushed things which is why I'm divorced now.

when I read your article it made me mad and then a little empathy for you, because i was in similar sitution. As Dr. Phil would say who is in charge and what is best for your son. If he is asking for you to take a second job is he willing to watch and care for the boy while you work? It tells me that he is not ready to share the money and in a marriage that is what it takes or there is always an argument about money and that is mine or i can do this because. Second if it's just cold feet then pick a date for the wedding and ask him to make a choice yes or no. If no then he is not really ready for a marriage. You as a mother need to think about what is best for your son because he is the most important and very impressionable by the adults in his life. If he can't have a good male figure who can commit to something than he should have a good female (mother) who can show him how to make a decsion and get on with life instead of lingure in it.

do not get a second job.. the only person to suffer with that is your 6 year old. You boyfriend sounds to me like he makes excuses for his own fears or whatever it is he is feeling. Maybe you need to let him see again what life would be without you for good and maybe that will turn his head. But be firm and let him know there will be no return without a ring. Its harsh i know but sometimes these guys only do what they do becouse they get away with it. Show him he cant get away with any longer. Good Luck!!!

Hi M.,
The first thing that comes to mind after reading your story is that your boyfriend doesn't appear to be ready, or want to get married! It sounds like he's got it pretty good right now, and he probobly is happy to keep things the way they are. It sounds like you do most of the work in the relationship...physically and emotionally! As far as getting a second job...my advice would be not to, unless you absolutely have to, financially. Getting another job would take away from your son, and he should come first. Frankly, your boyfriend should realize that also!
Good luck to you in what ever you decide...I hope everything works out for the best!
T.

M.:

People that get a second job are people that have a terrible time making ends meet, which from your request doesn't seem to be the case. You have a 6 yr old son who needs your time. We miss a lot from our kids lives due to work in and outside the home, as well as other commitments. Having $$ is great but I wouldn't take a second job unless I absoulutely have to (i.e. won't be able to make my mortgage pmt). In terms of the relationship you only know whether or not he is worthwhile waiting for. I was in a similar situation, I had been dating my boyfriend for about 2-1/2yrs when he started talking about engagement but no ring on site.

He said he needed to buy a home first, the home came and went and again no ring. Then he needed to take care of his family and ensure they were well before he commited his income to a family of his own, again no ring in the future for me. We never lived together as I made the decision not to and he didn't want to either. My family and friends were driving crazy withe questions about getting married, which drives you crazy. My boyfriend and I had a wonderful relationship we were always together and took vacations together every year. We also gave each other space. Based on the relationship we had I knew that he was the man for me, I just realized he was not ready for marriage and was using the aforementioned excuses to delay the thing. You don't want to marry someone that is not ready, things get messy pretty quickly and you don't want to mess up a good relationship. In regards to friends and family I told them to leave me alone and to stop asking, it is really bothersome when they do as well as hurtfull b/c like you said all you can think off is when is it my turn. My good friends understood and left me alone, family is another story :o). However I learned to ignore them or leave whenever the topic started. I also told my mother that if I left him then I needed to find someone which will take time and then get to know them well, more time and if it didn't work start all over again (more time). Therefore if time was her concern then I was closer in the relationship I was in. This kind of calmed her for a while, then you have to remind them again.

I decided to wait b/c he was very good with me and again we had a wonderful relationship. However I made it known that I was tired of talking about engagement but not moving fwd and that if you wait to be ready economically or otherwise you will never do anything as something always comes up. If money is the issue we can make it work as I had a good job and so did he. My engagement ring came 2 years later when I got a job offer in TX and I decided to take it as I needed a job and there was nothing holding me down here in NJ. I guess the idea of lossing me made him realize that he was ready. We have been married for 5 years already and just had our first child. There was no change in the relationship once we got married, except that we now have joint checking accounts. Marriage is just a paper (and I wanted it badly so I understand you), however true commitment comes from the actions of your partner and I had that already, again which is why I waited. His actions spoke louder than the ring or lack thereof and that made me realize that he was the right man for me.

It is easy for me to tell you give him the boot, but I don't know him or the relationship you two have. This is to tell you that you know the relationship you are in and only you know if you should wait. If that is the case then wait b/c there will be a happy ending. Family and friends love you and will respect your decisions.

O.