What to Do? - Harrisburg,OR

Mostly just listen, you might make a memoir book for them - assemble photos from the funeral, and any you can get a hold of from the pregnancy, baby footprints, perhaps ask her if she has anything she would like included. Perhaps taking meals for them could be helpful as well.

I have lost a newborn son, and it is so very hard. A practical thing that I would have appreciated would have been if someone had offered to return the baby things for me, or at least gone with me to do it. The customer service desk always asks why something is being returned, and I would start tearing up every time. Of course, make sure that they are planning on that. Some people need to do that on their own timeline. Allow them to tell you their baby's birth story over and over if they need to. Find a neonatal grief support group through your local hospital or funeral home, and offer to take them so they do not feel alone. Plant a rosebush in their yard as a memorial to their child, and tend to it so it grows well. Each time you tend to it, you have an excuse to ask how things are going. Mark the child's birthdate and/or angel date on your calendar and send them a thinking of you card next year around that time.

Dear L.,
I think for now, just being there to listen and letting them know you will be there is all you should do. Don't be afraid to say you don't know what to do or say.
I've been through this in my life and I can promise if you come out and ask what you can do, it's likely they won't be able to answer.
Take meals that you've prepared and just drop them by. You should be able to tell if they are up for company or not. All they might be able to manage is a thank you.
I am very sentimental and tend to think of doing something "special" as well, but in cases like these, you don't know if they will appreciate it, if it will make them sadder, or just numb it out like everything else if they aren't emotionally prepared so soon for the "special" thing.
I know moms who've lost babies and they keep little booties and things in shadow boxes but it can take a while to be able to do that.
They're going through just about the most painful thing right now so just letting them know you care and you're keeping them in your prayers and maybe dropping off food might be the best thing for now.
Some people want to talk about it right away and feel it's a way to keep the love they lost alive...others can't bear to talk about it for a while.
You know your friends best. Take your cues from them.
From experience, it's usually best to give any memorial type gifts after the family has had a chance to come to terms.

You sound like a wonderful friend and just letting them know they can count on you for anything is really important.
I can tell you from personal experience that certain gifts are harder to accept because there is the dynamic between what you expected as gifts for a celebration and what you get as gifts because there's nothing to celebrate. There's a real hollowness and a fine line.
Just pray for your friends and bring food and offer anything you can do.

I will keep your friends in my prayers too.
Been there.

Best wishes.

I think the biggest thing is to tell them exactly what you just said here-they are in your thoughts and prayers, that they can depend on you if they need anything. Make them dinner (something they could freeze if they didn't feel like eating when you take it) and let them know you are there is they need anything at all.

If you are really close, you might want to make a scrap book to commemorate this short but significant life they shared. From pregnancy to birth, and then a few months down the road give it to your friend when she's having an empty arms day. If they have a yard that can accomodate a tree, get a flowering tree, like a pink dogwood or an ornamental cherry, a magnolia and plant it as a living memorial to that life.

Every parent handles their grief differently. My parents lost my sister when she was 4 months old to SIDS. And growing up I knew all about my sister. We took flowers to the cemetary on her birthday, Memorial Day, Easter, Christmas, she was a member of the family that was never forgotten. Years later, my brother died in an accident, he was 14... and the void was so much greater, the hurt endless. It wasn't so much what people said, it was their being there, to visit, to sit, to occupy the time and space. Take your cues from them. What do they want to do. If you attended the funeral or memorial, they know that you care. A card in the mail, thinking of you today... not a sympathy card. Go back to your routines before pregnancy stuff. Watch your words, don't say you can have another... because you can't have another one. You can create a different baby, a 2nd child, but not this child. Just hug your friend when she needs one. Be there to listen to her, her pain and her laughter. You can't take her pain away, but you can support her while she walks this most difficult of life's journeys.

Thank you for being a good friend.

Friends of ours just recently lost their 4 month old son. A bunch of people pitched in to make meals (dinner) every night for them so they could have time to grieve and take care of their other children. You can also ask them what they need. If they have other kids, they might need babysitting, or just time to get out alone, or time to attend counseling, etc. Above all else, they just need to know you care...

T.

Oh, how tragic! I don't know how people get through that--ever.
I guess be there as a support for them to talk IF and WHEN they want to. How about making several freezable dinners for them to have in their freezer? If the baby was affected by a certain condition, you could make a donation in the babies name to a foundation for research. Most of all, be there.

I live in Illinois. Our parish has a mass each year for babies that have been lost thru still birth, abortion, sids and other deaths Perhaps her church does something. Maybe you could find out about that. It is a beautiful mass with a small reception afterwards. It is not a big hoopla event just a very small group of people remembering their child.

L.,
Everyone has had really good advice. We recently lost our son at 22 weeks, and I can tell you how much we appreciated meals being delivered. If you want to do something more you might consider:
1. Thumbies charms - you'll have to google it, the website is something totally different than the name. They will put the babies hand or footprint onto a charm for mom to wear. I've paired mine with a birthstone pendant.
2. Making funeral arrangements for our son was very emotionally challenging, if she hasn't done that already, offering to make calls about price and the process might be a huge relief.
3. A co-worker lent me some clothing that I could wear after we lost our son, since I couldn't fit into my own clothes yet and wearing maternity clothes was really hard. If you are able to pull clothes together for her, she might really appreciate it.
Finally, I agree that just being there is huge. I will also say that for me, it is still therapeutic to hear about other healthy babies being born. It sounds weird, but it gives me hope for the future. THe tendency is to tell stories about other babies that have died to let the parents know that they are not alone. For me, I know what the worst feels like, I've lived it, it's so much more therapeutic to hear about the happy stories. Just a thought. Your friend might not want to hear about babies at all right now.
I hope she can find peace soon. It's a long process and she's lucky to have you.
K.

I too lost a baby, but during pregnancy, and the most comfort I received was from the friends and family who just sat with me, cried with me, and said honestly that they want to help, but did not know what to say or do. Allow her to cry, or scream, and just tell her how much you care. If she opens up to you, then you might find something specific you can do, but mostly just be there for her. Being open and honest about you not knowing what to say or do is surprisingly comforting. The few people that sat and cried with me will forever be in my heart, as it seemed to lessen my burden to know I was not the only one in pain. Good luck...

I would not give gifts or anything like that. If you want to give something, make a casserole or salad that they can nibble on so she does not have to cook. She really just needs to know you are there. You do not have to say anything, just hug her and let her cry if she needs. Do not try to cheer her up or make her feel better, you can't, so just let her grieve as she needs and give her arms to hold her and a shoulder to catch her tears. Love her, that is what she really needs right now. But, if she asks to be left alone, do it. Make sure she knows that you are only a phone call away, but respect her wishes if she feels the need to morn in privacy.

Let your friend know that you don't know what to say, but that you are there anytime she needs a shoulder to cry on or an ear for listening. Sometimes just having a warm body nearby helps you feel less "alone". Personally, if this happened to me, I would rather make my own shadowbox or scrapbook as it would be part of the healing. I guess that just depends on the person. Don't go overboard checking on them, but make sure to stay in contact so they don't feel abandoned by friends.

I asked my friend that lost her baby about 6 years ago. Here is what she said:
Just being there is enough, however if someone wants to do something a little different or extra it is always great to have memories of the baby. My Aunt sent me an engraved baby spoon with my son's name and 'Always Remembered' on it. My mom had a painting done of a picture of baby Kenneth. I was also given a journal of grief to write down memories. These things all meant so much to me, but just being there meant the most. Oh and one very wonderful thing was donations in my sons name to March of Dimes, I even had a star named after him. These things helped me know that he was not forgotten and I know that other people would appreciate that too.

I would think about something you could do after the inital time wears off. I'm sure a lot of people will be bringing food, flowers etc right now. But in a couple weeks it will start to die down. It might be nice to bring them a meal, etc to let them know your still there for her. Whether it be babysitting, meals, or such...just to let them know they are not forgotten. Just an idea.