What's Good and Bad About Singletons - Being One or Parenting One?

I have only my daughter who is now 10, my husband & I love it. We always have the time to give her the attention she needs & we have the time to enjoy activities with her. There is also no such thing as a favorite because you only have one child. We also have the money which we would not have if we had another. Yes, money is that tight for us. We are very creative at finding free things to do, for fun. We also get to see the world though her (a child's) eyes again, the different perspective is refreshing.

I couldn't imagine growing up with my brothers! I have 4 older ones and one is 13months older then me and he's my best friend! We lived right down the street from each other for 4 years. I feel sorry for the other posters who don't speak to the siblings. But trust me it's not always like that

I have a sibling. We rarely talk and fought like crazy growing up. I have one daughter and my husband and I are pretty much sure we're done.

The Plus - She gets all our attention and resources. When she does something wrong, she can't blame anyone else so she has learned early to take responsibility for her actions. She doesn't have anyone to compete with or be compared to. I am able to pay attention to each stage of her life uninterrupted by others. I miss nothing. I don't have to deal with diapers anymore. Potty training was a one time thing and now we never have to talk about it again. (the horror) Keeping track of one is much easier than keeping track of two in a public place. We don't need a large vehicle. If we had more kids doing anything as a family would cost more. Dinner, movies whatever. (Mo' babies, mo' money, mo' problems.)

The Con - I only get to do everything once. It's a proven fact that people get better at things with experience and almost every mother I've talked to said they made a lot of mistakes or were really high strung with their first, afraid to screw up. However, by the time you get to the second or third... you're a pro and a lot more relaxed about things.

The Verdict - I've learned through personal experience that siblings do not a best friend make. So taking that out of the equation, what's left is what I would get out of having more children and the simple fact is, the pros outweigh the cons. Adding one child to our household increased the joy exponentially. Adding another would not give the same boost as did the first and would also detract from the relaxed atmosphere we already have. We have a good thing with one and don't want to throw a random radical variable into the mix, possibly screwing up what we've already got. It's always a gamble to have another, and I've never ever set foot into a casino. It's just a waste of money. The house always wins.

I have always loved being an only child. When I went to kindergarten I wanted a sibling for a few months because everyone else had one, but I got over it. Plus -these days only children are far more common! As an adult in my 40s, I REALLY love it. I have chosen my "family" and I actually have a number of close friends who envy my status as an only.

My parents and I had a great time while I was growing up. I received so many wonderful opportunities that I never would have if I had a bunch of siblings -maybe one other would have been okay financially, but we took amazing trips and I went to a wonderful, private college that has afforded me even more opportunities and my parents paid for it, which is an unbelievably huge gift and wonderful thing to give your child or children if you can.

I was never lonely (in fact I really enjoy my alone time and always have), and my parents made sure I had plenty of social interaction. I grew up playing with lots of neighborhood kids, church and school friends. I have many close friends today and I'm very social. Being an only child does not make one a "loner" or "anti-social" -in fact it may mean just the opposite. Those things are also personality traits that anyone from any size family can have!

I've also already been through the death of my mother, and I don't see how having one or more siblings would have made that any better. I bring that up because people actually cite aging parents and their deaths as reasons to have more kids. Makes NO sense to me -I know so many people (my own parents included) from large families who have had nightmares with siblings when it comes to caring for and deciding about their aging or dying parents.

I only believe in having children that YOU and your spouse truly, deeply want and want to care for. Don't have kids for you existing child. Don't have kids because someone in your family thinks you should.

Also, most of the only children I know are generous and well-rounded -not spoiled brats like some people would have you believe. Also -please don't listen to the "you'll never regret having another child" crowd. Look around you and listen to some people. Go online. PLENTY of folks regret having another child. It doesn't mean they don't love that child, but they wish they hadn't gone there. If you want it -do it, but if not -just enjoy what you have!

We have an only by choice and no regrets whatsoever.

She is 17 now, Jr in school, very well adjusted emotionally and socially. AP/Honors classes, Varsity cheerleader, violinist, black belt. We've raised her in a very stable, successful environment. She is very driven (gets that from mom and dad) and has high goals set for herself. She lives like we do... Never Give up and Failure is not an Option.

She is currently working alongside me to learn about business and all aspects of the business. We are entrepreneurs and she she has that mindset as well.

If you were to ask her about a sibling she would say he$$ no. Also, you can't guarantee that a silbing will be close to your child, that is a gamble. Some siblings live together beautifully and are the best of friends, others hate each other.

You hear about some onlies being selfish, spoiled, bratty but rest assured, you can find those same types in families where attention and love are spread thin and some personalities are just that way. It is not an only child stigma unless of course you choose to raise your only under a rock.

We have daughter set up so that she has no worries about taking care of us when we are older... we will not be a burden because that is already planned for. We've also made sure that when she does get out of the college of her choice, she will be graduating debt free so that she starts her working life free and clear of any debt. She has also been raised to know that debt is evil and delayed gratification is a better step toward financial independence.

We have been able to provide much more financially for one child vs more children. We did know from the get go that one would complete us and we've never looked back. She gets all of us, we work together as a team and I would never want things to be different than they are now. Our set up is just right for us.

No one can tell you what to do. We knew when we were complete and we never looked back.

I was one and done before DS was even conceived. Having one means not worrying that he can go to the college of his choice. It means being able to continue to go out to any restaurant, museum or event we choose (I once read that one child is an accessory, two are a life style - a little flip but fairly accurate). It means never having to tell him 'not now, the baby is more important than you are'. It means the noise level in our house is bearable. We can have people over without having them run over. It means I can keep my two door sporty car. It means we can travel just as much as we did before - traveling with one child is easy (not as easy as flying alone of course). I cannot even imagine flying with more. Which means he will see and experience places that he would not if we had multiples. It means I am not contributing to the horrendous overpopulation problem our planet has (of course zero would be better, but if every couple had one child, instead of 9 billion in 2050 we would have closer to 5.5 - 6 billion).

I firmly believe the 'spoiled bratty' stereotype is just that. DS is so much better behaved, polite and able to converse with both adults and children than his cousins who have siblings are.

we have one and it's amazing :) he is 5 now and honestly i can't imagine going back to "babyhood" or even "toddlerhood". we have worked hard (still do) to raise a wonderful, mannerly, well behaved, compassionate child. he is at an amazing age (i say that about each age, sure you do too!) he helps me out, we have great conversations, he's really just blossomed. he has friends at school, cousins, etc.

we are really working hard to be financially secure and responsible, and i am confidant that we will be able to send him to about whatever school he wants to go to. the financial reasons alone for having only one (starting with pre-natal care and delivery, and ending with college tuition) are staggering.

we don't need multiple children to take care of us in our old age, because we will be prepared for that....

we don't need multiple children to work the farm to earn our livelihood like prairie settling days...

we don't need to populate the earth like waaaay back in the day (like you know, when the bible was written)...

i just don't see a need. we have all we need/want with our one. babies are great. they also come with great responsibility. personally, i don't have a giant ego - i don't think that my husband and i are such wonderful people that we should repopulate the state with our offspring...i mean, who are we? you know? we have it so good. how could we ask for more?

honestly. we are happy. more children won't change that. they'd be great, we'd still be happy. but there's no need. and many reasons to stop. so in that case (weighing the pros and cons) i couldn't in good conscience set out to have more. if it was an accident, hey, it happens, we'd be thrilled and blessed and move forward. but i'm not chasing it down. i am on birth control.

life is good :)

What's right for you is what's right. Don't listen to anyone who tells you that singletons are selfish or can't share or whatever. Kind of like people using phrases like "oldest child" or "middle child" syndromes - it's pretty meaningless once you factor in all the other variables. Most people use these phrases to justify what they are doing or to explain what went wrong.

Don't ever use the phrase "only child" because it implies that something is missing. I have a singleton and he's fantastic. He made friends wherever we went because he didn't have a built-in playmate. He's mature, has great leadership skills, and he's fantastic. I have a younger brother and we are radically different, not close. There's no magic to this - it's really based on what's best for you at this time in your life.

It was pure torture growing up with my younger sister.
The constant fighting and hair pulling and brawling was awful.
We now live in 2 different states and seldom see each other and after all these years we still can't be in the same room for 15 min without a fight breaking out.
You just never know what you are going to get.
My husband is and only child and loves it.
Our son is an only child and I love him too much to put him through the misery I had to live with.
My son has a few friends who come from large families and they are always asking to come over so they can get away from their sibling for a little while.

My singleton daughter is 13 and (IMO) very happy with our family. She has, on occasion asked for a sibling but spending an afternoon with other families with multiple children usually cured her of it - lol. She is smart, creative, a born leader. She actually enjoys having "alone time" when she gets home from school. She isn't lonely or moody. She has never said she was bored.

For us, one seemed like the right fit. Before having her, I would have thought I wanted more than one child, but I had a difficult pregnancy and I wasn't willing to put myself through that again. My husband agreed and is happy with one. I have many friends who have siblings and so many of them don't speak to/get along with them. Producing a sibling doesn't guarantee a happy adult relationship with that person. My husband has 2 and they barely speak to us (not our decision, theirs).

Do I feel slightly guilty that my daughter will have to shoulder the responsibility of my husband and I getting older and possible needed care - yes. But, honestly, my husband and I shoulder the brunt of the care of his parents because his siblings wouldn't help if we paid them (well, maybe).

You have to go with what works for your family. For us, mentally, emotionally, financially - one is what works for us. Don't let others TELL you what you should or should not do.

I am one and my son is one.

As a kid I wished for a sibling until I was about 8. Then I let it go. My son (6) asks for a baby sister (keep telling you can't order a particular gender) pretty regularly at this point).

The good: Well I don't know anything else at this point, from either side of the equation... but I have a very close loving relationship with my mother, as my son does with me. He get's lots of adult attention and is extremely smart and can be pretty mature. He knows all about current events because he is forced to watch the news and Jeopardy with us in the evenings :-P

The bad: (full disclosure, I would like another and am working on convincing my partner so...) As an ADULT, it can be difficult not to have an adult sibling to deal with family stuff. When my estranged father was sick with ALS and then died, it was emotionally difficult to shoulder that on my own.

The indifferent: Everyone talks about playmates, but I don't really think that's an issue. I had lots for neighborhood playmates, as does my son. I have friends I was pregnant with so our kids have known each other their ENTIRE lives and are very much like family. Family events can be tough because DS is the only child there... but that could be solved with cousins as well as siblings!

Hope this helps.
T.

J., this same question was on here last week -- what are the advantages or disadvantages of having just one child. Search past posts because it comes up frequently. It's fine that you asked, it's just something that comes up here so you might get even more insights if you look back.

To answer briefly: Having one child means you are able to participate very fully in that child's life day to day. You can volunteer at preschool/school without having to say, "Sorry, it conflicts with something at my other child's school" or "I have a toddler and just can't do anything like that during the day." Volunteering means you will know a LOT more about what your child really does in school and you will be much more "plugged in" to how the school operates, which is very useful.

Having one child means you can also volunteer at or help lead many things like Scouts, sports, etc. You can take your child to fun events or classes he or she would enjoy and not have to say, "We can't -- it would bore the younger kid(s)." I can't say how many times I've seen friends say no to things that would be enriching for the older child because the event would bore/be too long for/tire the younger child or children. The younger ones drive the schedule for a long time and the older ones, to my mind, often lose out.

Others would say the older ones gain from having siblings, and that can happen for sure, but remember -- being siblings does not ever guarantee that children will be "lifetime best friends." Lots of siblings have very different personalities, and don't play well together or even argue so much it drives the parents nuts. So if anyone tells you, "You just must have another child to provide a playmate for your first!" -- that is total junk. Never have a child just to provide something for another child's sake.

I am able to be as involved as I want at school, in Scouts, at my child's dance school, and in many other activities she does. I also have time to do things for myself and work from home. I am not a multitasker and would not be a good mom of more than one because it would pull me in so many directions, but I do OK as a mom of one. I see friends with more kids and those friends sometimes struggle a lot with juggling schedules and having enough attention for all their children. That's just our experience and what I observe.

For *our family* one child was perfect and I didn't use fertility treatments (I adopted my sister's child with a nanosecond notice...really). My 18 year daughter has lived a pretty charmed life and has NEVER asked for a sibling ( a guinea pig, dog, cat or mouse for sure but never a human). I think we have been able to provide for her the way we have wanted to with a activites, sports, medical care, orthodontics, morals, travel, a car and college funded. You will never find a "less spoiled and more giving child" than my daughter is. I have had more time to work with her academically and get her to her activities.

Those with multiples tend to say I am missing out but it woks for us. They will never know what it is like to sit around in the summer and decide..."Let's go to Spain in three weeks". I'm fortunate. No, i make my fortune.

She has tons of friends and cousins on her dad's side, it's all great!! I love not having to split my time five, six, seven or eight ways. There is now what with families that large that they can receive the attention they deserve. Once again, no offense to any other families that have a ton of kids, it works for you!

ETA - I have a sister and we are nowhere near close. Same house, same parents, different people. There is no guarantee that siblings will be best friends at all. My daughter has a dozen friends who are singletons. All are very mature, smart and able to make friends where ever they go as well as life long friendships close to home.

Hi J.,

I have 3 best friends in this world and they are all siblings, of course I'm not including my husband in this.

I have 3 children who are all very very close. When they are little they love each other, play together, get in trouble together, help each other, lean on one another, I could go on and on...but there is nothing like watching their relationships bloom and develope. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way!

When I see this list:

"Waking up 15 times a night,
changing diapers,
leaky saggy painful boobs from breastfeeding,
Terrible 2's
Night Terrors,
Separation Anxiety,
Buying diapers,
being spit up, peed, or pooed on,
Biting and hitting phase,
Teething fevers and fits,
Worry over SIDS,
daycare costs,

Weight gain from being pregnant,
swelling feet from being pregnant,
high blood pressure from being pregnant,
mood swings,
nausea,
morning sickness,
sciatic nerve pain,"

...as reasons not to have another I feel like they are all a small price to pay for a life long reward and the joy of raising more kids and the giving the gift of a sibling to your other child. I also say this as a woman who hated being pregnant. But, I thank God for seeing fit to bless me with 3 awesome kids.

I am #3 of 4 kids. My siblings sucked, lol. I don't even talk to my 2older brothers.

I have 1daughter. She is nearly 17. I had only 1 due to circumstances such as being a single mom for a long time, not being able to afford anymore, being in a relationship that wasn't good & he didn't want kids.

My current DH, however is wonderful! He is 6 years younger than me & really would like a child of his own. I'm torn because I'm almost done with the one I have & I'm almost 36 & feeling old, lol.

I liked having an only child because I could devote more time, energy, & resources to her without being strapped for cash & stressed out.

I am an only. Most of my life I wished for a sibling but that was not to happen due to my mother's health issues.

You learn to do things on your own and self-entertain. You usually get all the things you want because there is only one of you and you don't have to share. I was lucky to have cousins the same age as me and we did many things together as sibilings would.

When my parents died within five years of each other it was hard as there is no one. You have to rely on relatives to help you get through the next phase of your life without wanting to use you for capital gain (simillar to people who foster children). If you make a decision you have to weigh the pros and cons before you do it becuase there is no back up plan only you for consequences. So you become wiser than your years.

I have two children one adopted and one biological. They are good together even though they have their moments. There would have been a few more but moving around military wise it was out of the question. As for education it is what you make of it. You guide your children and present to them the way to learn (college) and a way to make a living but it is up to them what they want to do with their lives. They should have a stake in what they learn and earn so that they appreciate it more than having it just handed to them.

Life has sacrifices in it and it is with these that you learn how to be a person who has depth, understanding and compassion. The world does not owe you anything you owe the world.

The other S.

As one of five, I can't imagine being an only child!! Honestly, I would hate it. My siblings are my best friends; always have been and always will be. And I love that. You always have playmates when you're young, and confidants when you're older.

I was talking to a friend about this recently, and though he has only one brother, he was 100% in agreement with me that he could not imagine being a singleton. To us it seems like a very sad life.

And most singletons I know wish they had siblings (now that we're in college--at a younger age, kids like the attention) .

So that's my opinion. But of course, it depends on you and your husband. :)

Granted, I was homeschooled, so that made an even bigger difference (my siblings and I spent so much time together and shared so many experience that we almost created our own culture! Often we are talking to each other, no one else can understand us! We love it).

heyyy..
We (dh and I) are going through the same dilemma, and I was just wondering whether to post here and seek opinions! :)
Will watch your Q and see what mamas reply...
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Both DH and I are the elder sibling, and he has a younger brother, and I have a younger sister. She is one of my best friends. I wonder if I stop with one child, DD will miss having someone like I did, growing up. But at other times, I wonder if DD can make really good friends while growing up, that counts too. After all, not all siblings grow up being best buddies to each other, so its not a given...

I am an only...and I always wanted siblings. I enjoy my alone time and can entertain myself for days, even as an adult. It's a little lonely, though I don't think that sibs would change that. I am NOT looking forward to handling aging, possibly health challenged parents by myself. This is pretty terrifying to me, my husband is the oldest of 4 and it's going to suck to try and get everyone on the same page with important decisions but I *think* I would rather deal with that than not have anyone to share the burden with. I also dread being alone when my parents die...they are the only people in my life who have known me my entire life. I have a wonderful extended family who I love and enjoy but it's just not the same...but again I don't know that a sibling would make it different. I know I got to do things growing up that I wouldn't if I had sibs (my parents always reminded me) but I would trade camps, new cars, paid for college, for a brother or sister.

We are happy to have one child and only one. Both my husband and I grew up with siblings; he had a better experience than I did, but I can't blame my bad experience entirely on my siblings, nor did that factor into our choice to have one.

Some reasons we have just one:

We were 36 and 44 when we had him. Fast-forward to visions of his graduation: I'll be 54 and Dad will be 62.

We have a small house, small car, small life. We didn't want to have to sell or remodel the house or to buy a new car. Seems insignificant, but we do try to live with as little debt burden as possible.

We want to give our son a good start in life. Having one meant that we could afford a very good and loving preschool. We can afford to go forward with pursuing therapy for him and are still trying to suss out what's going on with his vision issues. This costs a lot of money and we aren't close to done walking this path. We'll hopefully be able to help him out when he chooses to pursue higher education or training in a career that can get him started. (Even if it's not his dream career, we would like to help him on the road to independence by making sure he has options.)

I had three miscarriages previously--two with the exhusband (blessings in disguise) and one with my husband now. Suffice it to say, the emotional risk in trying for a sibling was something I wasn't willing to go through again.

And this isn't a popular opinion, but we believe that our having a larger family shouldn't be on the backs of others. Many of the stores which offer great savings and low prices aren't always paying a reasonable wage to workers overseas. I don't want the products we buy for our family to come from factories which exploit their workers or use child labor. No other mother's child should have to work or suffer so that my kid can have 'cheap' anything. We know we can afford to do well with one child; I can't say for sure that we would be able to do this effectively with more kids.

Lastly, I was a nanny for years in between having preschools, and saw what a huge change going from one child to two was. My child is not an accessory--he's my life-- but I knew a long time ago that having two children wasn't a good temperament match for me, frankly. I'm far too introverted and my husband is far too busy with his work for us to pull it off without feeling stressed out.

Recently, my son has been asking for a sibling. I have a short job for a month, taking care of a little six-month old girl once a week; this job started yesterday and my son was a *wreck* by the end of the day, having to share me with her. At five, he thinks a sibling will be someone for him to play with-- I think this experience is quietly teaching him that his fantasies of having a brother or sister do not meet up with the reality. Having (only) one or having more is a big decision, and a very personal one for each couple. There's no 'wrong' answer.