What Should Our Family Do?

My brother is schizophrenic also. Please note that this condition is not the same as dealing with someone who is mentally handicapped. Your brother WILL want alcohol and will resort to drinking any way he can. He will also resent being told he can't have any and having someone shadow him around. This is a joyful day and if the bride/groom said he was not welcome, I'm sure your mom would have understood as well. I'm in the same boat. My mom passed away leaving my brother in my hands. I understand EXACTLY how you feel. If I had to make the same choice seeing how my brother is about alcohol, he would not be allowed to attend and I would not feel guilty. This is not a holiday gathering where family knows the situation and will not react. This is an extremely important social gathering where people from the B/G's job may attend as well as other non related friends who may take any "odd" happenings and reflect negatively on the event. Whatever you decide, don't feel guilty. This is a heavy load to carry and guilt about trying to do the best thing for all only adds to it unneccesarily.

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Why don't you talk to the family member getting married. Let them know that you would love to come, but you have these concerns. See what they have to say about it and make your decision based on their conversation and reaction.

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My mother was schizophrenic, so we were very used to dealing with issues like you are facing. It puts such a strain on things, but it is part of the family, part of life. What I would do is invite him to both reception and ceremony. BUT set up a buddy system. No one will want to be required to watch him the whole time, and he'll resent it too, so instead set blocks of times for various family members to be his buddy. They can make it seem casual and natural. Say your problem relative is J. Billy has the ceremony shift for J. So when Billy gets there he sees J and says, hey, let's sit together. Suzy has the after ceremony before reception shift. So after the ceremony she finds herself over to J and starts up a conversation. Billy is now relieved of duty and goes off to socialize while Suzy stays with J in a casual way. everyone heads to reception, suzy is done with her shift. Now it's Dave's turn. He has the predinner portion of the reception. He finds J and strikes up a conversation. Then spends the pre dinner portion with him. You sit J by a different person for dinner and that is the dinner buddy person. Then you have another person be the after dinner till toasting/cake cutting or whatever.

So basically you are shadowing him but in a way that actually makes him feel loved and like he's the star.

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I agree with other posts - talk to bride and groom, see about hiring a professional to attend with him, or just take him to the ceremony and not the reception. I would add this: if you are including your brother in most family functions, but not every single one, you are fulfilling your mom's wish. All family members are not always able to attend all functions for a variety of reasons (work, new baby, ill family member). Don't beat yourself up if you cannot take your brother to every function. Good luck and feel good about all that you are doing for your brother.

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I am in the "wedding only, but not reception" group. He will know he is not invited to the reception. If he asks why- tell him honestly. You are afraid he will drink. To be truthful, there is no RULE stating you have to serve alcohol all night long. That could be a cost-saving issue as well. It is up to you but please do not include him if it could hurt the bride and groom. This is their day. You could always hire someone to watch him all night. Sounds crass but it could work. God bless your family.

wow, hmmm, my vote really is no. we sort of went through somethign similar but the uncle with the psych problems ended up getting admitted to the mental ward the day before so we sort of avoided a problem.

Unless you know there will be no alcohol. then it sounds like it would be sooo super easy for him to get some, or even walk up to a table and finish someone else drink. and it's not like you are going to whisper in his ear and ask him politely to stop, He's going to make a scene. If you had someone who was good at influencing to keep an eye on him the whole time maybe, but man that doesn't sound like fun.

Could you compromise, take him to the church for the actual ceremony, but then leave him with someone else for the reception or just not go yourself?? I just feel really really bad for this bride and groom, its their special day!!

Good luck with what ever you decide.

I think you answered your own question when you said you don't want him to upset the wedding. Maybe that is not the best family function to include him. You are not abandoning him, you are just choosing situations that he and other will be able to enjoy.

It sounds from your description that you do not trust him enough to behave properly on his own. I know that it must be tearing you up to have to make such a tough decision. It sounds like he cannot make good choices on his own. I have to agree with the others that said the reception is not the best place for him. Not only is it not fair to the bride & groom, it's not fair to you or anyone else that would have to "watch" him. I understand that your mom wants him included in family functions but a wedding is not the place for someone who cannot behave ( adults & children included). Maybe he can go to the ceremony? I guess the big question that wasn't answered is who is he living with now that your mom has passed? He sounds like a lot to take on and you should not feel bad about wanting to enjoy this wedding without worry for others or yourself. Do the best you can to include him in barbeques, holiday parties and such, when it comes to more formal events do not feel bad about not including him. If he understands that he is being left out because he cannot control himself maybe he will start to change his behavior. On the other hand if he doesn't even know that his behavior is bad and effects others, then he probably won't understand that he is missing the wedding. Good luck to all of you!

why not include him at the wedding but not the reception (unless you can hire someone to "babysit" him. there seems to be no reason that he should be included if it could endanger him or stress out too many people who are trying to watch him. Look at the bigger picture and you wont feel so guilty

I say no but have these questions: iIs he going to be directly invited through his own invitation? If he finds out he was omitted will he be upset? Is he clearly an alcoholic or just he just get a little embarrassing as as in some cases when other people do not drink anything at all and a slight slur bothers them. Does he have other psyche issues that combined with alcohol be disturbing (violence for instance). We have a cousin who is a terrible alcoholic and his mom wanted everyone to watch him before she died said so. His sister thinks there is nothing wrong with him. You kind of have to decide how much babysitting you want to do or if you don't think he'll find out about it don't let him know. But whose wedding is it>? If it is not your wedding and he is a grown up and is invited then you let him be a grown up, get his own ride, and let everyone stop being co dependent. Is the wedding giver aware of his problems and is it a continous problem or is he simply the scapegoat for a lot of other family issues? These are all the things you need to address. And maybe you have to let things go as they will. Does he yell at only you- or does he make everyone his target. There is the difference between being realistic i.e. he really should not be there and being a caretaker overly responsible. Only you can decide that. And you need not permit your mother despite your loss to make you feel guilty. I am so sorry she has passed away but that is an incredible burden for you to have to carry.

I suggest you do. I also suggest that you get him a friend to babysit him and keep him occupied by distracting him in different ways ( i.e. walks, a movie in a different room, etc).

adriana

It is obviously your decision but if I were you I would take him. You could probably get a caretaker you trust to go with you who will be with your brother all the time. Maybe the person getting married might know of trusted caretakers in the area that the wedding is.

I vote for taking him to the wedding and not the reception but make sure he is in some of the photos. Then find somewhere else for him after the wedding. A care taker is a nice idea but if it's not someone he knows, he may get frightened and act out in a way the care taker could not handle. Why put him at risk as well as the guests at the party and the wedding couple? Any time a person like that is exposed to something unusual, it can be disconcerting. Whatever you decide, your mom is in heaven and can understand things now that she couldn't on earth.

Is your brother getting any benefits since it seems he is unable to care for himself? These agencies can have a professional come and "brother sit" during the wedding. I think if you call medicaid they can recommend help. I would try my best to take him with you.