July 02, 2012,
C.Q. asks from Oakley, CA on June 30, 2012
What Should I Do? My Husband Is Making Me Miserable
I'm not 100% sure whats really going on but my husband is very mad at me. He said he feels like I am emotionally cheating on him with my best friend which is completely absurd. He says he fells like i tell her everything and that I don't care about him. All of these things are completely ridiculous. I've told him he's being ridiculous, that I love him more than anyone on this world and always have. but now, he is completely refusing to talk to me. He keeps saying he doesn't have an problem, to give him some space, and leave him alone. But I only get to see him for a few hours in the evenings and on weekends so that time I do have with him is very precious to me. And now that he is ignoring me, (Which he is only doing because he knows how much it bothers me.) and pretending i'm not here, I am feeling very emotional and crazy. I cannot stand being ignored, my gramma used to ignore me for weeks at a time when i was a child, sometimes even longer, and he's purposely trying to get to me which i would NEVER do to him. I tried leaving to go to grammas (we've talked out our issues and are VERY VERY close now ) to give him some space and he got upset and accused me of trying to keep our girls from him. So, since that was completely not what i was trying to do and i didn't want him to think that, I turned around and came home. Now I am sitting on the couch in my room trying to figure out how to deal with this. What would you do if you were me?
So What Happened?™
I just want to say that I ALWAYS try to connect with him I call him throughout the day to tell him I love him, I try to tell him everything that goes on all the time, I try to talk to him as much as possible and make sure he is not left out of anything. He only just recently started opening up to me about his work and his problems at work. The wierdest thing is that I have been REALLY happy lately. I felt very secure in my relationship with my hubby, i have close girlfriends now to talk to to take some of the strain of my stresses off him, we have my family now who is very supportive of us. I am VERY happy. Up until 2 days ago i thought everything was perfect. Then this has to go and slap me in the face.
S.L. answers from New York on June 30, 2012
Have you read the five languages of love?
Can you get him to take the quiz? You cannot take it for him!
I'm guessing he feels unloved because you do not know his "love language"
Let him know he has two choices; work on the marriage to his wife, his children's mother OR separate from his wife, his children's mother.
Let him know you choose to work on this marriage.
1 mom found this helpful
C.D. answers from Atlanta on July 01, 2012
Either you have been emotionally cheating or he has a big problem. Maybe he really does need some attention (in a healthy way) and is that so bad?
Or he may be setting the stage for something else. Making plans to present problems. Which is weird, but does happen.
Tell him when he's ready to talk and listen you'll be available. And just tell him you didn't know he felt this way. etc.
It usually not a good thing to tell a person they're being ridiculous about their feelings or thoughts even when you think they are.
Try to stay in good spirits and keep positive thoughts going.
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M.P. answers from Portland on June 30, 2012
Instead of telling him he's ridiculous tell him you're sad that he feels that way. Let him tell you how he feels and why without you defending yourself. Then ask him what he'd like for you to do. Have several discussions over time to work out a compromise.
It's most important that you validate his feelings. Doing so is not admitting guilt or that you agree. It's letting him know that his feelings are important to you and that you're willing to work on making the situation better.
It's also important to not allow his accusations to get you down. You need to be an independent woman who loves her husband but who will not allow herself to be miserable because of his feelings. You are two separate individuals and will only have a good relationship when you're both able to make your own happiness.
I suggest that the two of you have a co-dependent relationship. There are many good books that can help you understand and work on changing the relationship to a healthier one. Just google co-dependent relationships.
If visiting your grandma will help you to feel better then go. Take care of yourself, first so that you'll have the energy to take care of your family.
11 moms found this helpful
R.M. answers from San Francisco on June 30, 2012
Your husband shared his deep feelings with you, and your response was to tell him that he was being ridiculous.
I think you should apologize to him for calling his feelings ridiculous, tell him you are happy that he wants to be emotionally close with you, and ask him what he wants you to do differently.
8 moms found this helpful
T.S. answers from San Francisco on June 30, 2012
Okay, the pouting and silent treatment is pretty childish on his part. Though he DID try to tell you how he was feeling and you told him he was being ridiculous. So maybe he feels like his got nothing left to say to you.
You two sound REALLY young. If I were you I would arrange for a sitter (trade with another mom if money is tight) and plan a date night. You need to sit down like two adults and talk about what's going on, without the kids around, and really listen to what he has to say. Women often get so fixated on their children and home that they forget their husbands need some love and attention too. Marriage takes maturity, commitment and above all else, COMPROMISE. If you attend church I highly recommend you check out their services and offerings. Most churches offer counseling and/or classes for married couples at little or no cost, and that in itself can be very helpful.
6 moms found this helpful
B.C. answers from Norfolk on June 30, 2012
You need to realize when he's pouting like child.
Ignore him when he's got that attitude.
You are feeling all emotional because he's manipulating you.
As long as you let him, he's going to jerk you around.
It's weird, but in order to gain some stability, you are going to have to do almost exactly what he's accusing you of doing - withdraw a bit from him emotionally (but don't be leaning on your best friend).
Have the self assurance to not question yourself when he's throwing a temper tantrum.
If/when he grows up, consider marriage counseling.
6 moms found this helpful
R.B. answers from La Crosse on June 30, 2012
He told you his problem. You told him he was wrong.
Well no he isn't wrong. He feels this way, its his feelings and you are shutting them down. That is what is wrong with him. He opened up to you and then you dismissed his feelings.
Whether you do go to her or not about everything... he feels like you do. How would you feel if he did something and you finally opened up to him and all he did was shoot you down and told you that he didn't do those things? It would hurt. He is hurt.
You need to tell him your sorry that he is feeling that way ( acknowledge his feelings) and tell him you will stop leaning on her so much and you will work hard to start going to him for things from now on.
Sometimes we do things with out realizing and we need someone else to point it out. I'm not saying you are doing this, but for some reason he feels you are. It time to turn the tables some and make him happy.
6 moms found this helpful
J.A. answers from Indianapolis on June 30, 2012
You referred to his feelings as 'ridiculous'. He is clearly hurt. YOU may not understand how he feels. But you need to step outside yourself and try to see it from HIS side. My husband is my best friend. And I'm his. We'd both be crushed if we felt like the other person shared more with someone else. Tell him that you're ready to listen whenever he wants to talk. He'll eventually come around. Then you need to let him speak without interruption or judgement.
6 moms found this helpful
A.B. answers from Dallas on June 30, 2012
I'd leave the kids with him for a few hours and go see Magic Mike :-)
Heck, I might even pick up my best friend to go with me!
Seriously, he is not ignoring you; he is pouting. Besides that, he wants an audience for his pout, which is exactly what a child would do. He told you that he wants to be left alone and get over it, which is a wish that you should respect. Give him a day to get himself in order, but don't sit home waiting for him to put his happy face on. Tell him that you are respecting his wish for some itme alone and will be gong on with the regular course of life and will be going out for a bit. Ask if he'd rather you take the kids with you or whether he'd like to spend the evening alone with them. Then pack yourself up with or without kids and go have a fun evening somewhere. Also, consider whether there is any validity to his complaint.
Once he's back in his happy pants, you can discuss communication wth him, as well as his jealousy of your best friend (or of you over-sharing with your BFF...whichever seems closer to the truth.). Until he gets over his pout, there's no point in tryint to talk to him...just like with a child having a tantrum.
5 moms found this helpful
L.A. answers from Austin on June 30, 2012
You need to quit getting pulled into HIS drama.
When your children in your care act like this, what do you do? Give them attention, or give them time alone.
I usually listen to what they say and repeat it to them. Then I ask THEM, what are you going to do about these feelings?
He feels a certain way, you respond I in a truthful way, validating you heard him.. Then ask him, what are you going to do about this? I love my friend. And I am not picking her over you, I will always love you the most.
But she is my friend and that will not end.
People that try to control you by making you drop family or friends are actually emotionally controlling and abusing you.
There is something else going on here, and your husband needs to be a grown up and spit it out. He is acting like a 4 year old. I am emberassed for him.
5 moms found this helpful