What Should I Do About My Daughter and Gym?

If she's heavy (even if not the heaviest in the class) and she doesn't like her face to get red, there is already a huge problem. Obesity and inertia are huge problems among today's kids. She needs a full physical with a competent pediatrician, and then she needs to MOVE. This is why PE is required. Getting her our of physical activity is not going to help. I would think she could change in the bathroom if she's self-conscious. The only way she's going to get out of gym is PERHAPS by engaging in some other sport, not by taking art or something unrelated. My son ran competitively in high school here in MA and still had to take gym.

I cannot believe she missed a month of school! She needs a lot more therapy to work on body image, Get another therapist if you or she didn't like the first one, and understand that this is not something that will get "fixed" in just a few sessions. You need to help her through this but not allow her to avoid it. Work with the counselor to see how you can best help.

If there is an underlying anxiety disorder, that needs to be addressed. If there is a weight issue, that needs to be addressed. It is not going to get easier as she goes through high school. Also, her body is changing and she will start to lose some fat if she moves. Get a pedometer for her - about $10 or less and have her wear it. If she walks 10,000 steps a day and moderates her food intake, she will start to lose weight and firm up. But this is so severe since you say the whole family is affected that it's clear you need to make a commitment to professional help.

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I honestly think you are part of the problem here. You let her miss a month of school because she doesn't like gym. In life we have to do a lot of things we don't like....for her gym is one of those things. At my high school we had to take gym in 9th and tenth grade and those that didn't had to take them as seniors. Just remind her that if she doesn't do them now she is just going to have to take them later on with younger kids. If she doesn't like changing infront of others she could change in the bathroom and lots of people get a red face from doing physical activities. I think giving in and trying to get her out of gym is not going to teach her anything. She is 14 and old enough to learn that sometimes we just have to do things. If she is heavy and the problem is she doesn't like her body then consult a nutritionist and with the help of her doctor get her on a diet and the exercise in gym is not something she can afford to give up.

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It really boils down to the school and the requirements. If they don't allow substitutes for gym class (a dance class or gymnastics or something) then she is going to have to accept that it is a necessary part of school.

If she hated math would you consider letting her skip math the rest of her schooling? Schools look at gym as they do any other subject and it is doubtful they will let her out it. I hated it too in middle school because I was a slow and incoordinated student. I also hated changing in front of the other girls who were more developed and seemed to flaunt their bodies. They also pointed out the kids who were shy and made fun of them.

But I stuck with it (because I had to) and by high school I actually took gym as an elective because I understood by that point what the health benefits were.

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I seriously hated gym but I went anyway. I was embarrassed to undress and shower in front of others. I wasn't at all athletic and was always the last one chosen for teams. I didn't fit in with the rest of the girls. Etc.

Gym was a requirement for graduation. In my family we did what we had to do. There is no way my mother would have allowed me to miss a month of school for any reason other than illness. I think that it's important for kids to learn that there are many things we do just because doing them is required. I suggest you deal with the missing school issue instead of trying to get her out of gym.

Do you allow her to not do other things that she doesn't want to do? If so I suggest you will be helped by getting help learning some parenting skills.
I know I sound harsh but I think it's important to teach children that they have a responsibility to meet requirements for reaching goals. Life is not easy and she needs to have skills for dealing with what she doesn't like.

Perhaps counseling didn't work because she knew that you wouldn't insist that she go to gym. You could try counseling for both of you with the goal of overcoming this issue and meeting state requirements for graduation.

If your state doesn't require gym participation that is a different story. Call the school district and ask if gym is required for graduation.

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I can relate to what your daughter feels - I hated gym too. I was able to substitute a tennis class for my freshman through junior years, but for some reason the rules changed in my senior year and they wouldn't allow substitute classes any more. I would suggest you first talk to the school just on an information-finding conversation - don't start with how miserable your daughter is. Just call to find out if they will even allow substitutions. If they say no - then you might want to try to research some alternatives, have your arguments in line, and then have a meeting to present a well-thought out argument as to why whatever sport you've chosen should be allowed to be substituted - and research the laws to see what is allowed. You may wish to ask the teacher of that sport to give you suggestions to help you in your presentation. If that all fails, I would then explain to them the anxiety it is causing in your daughter and see what accommodations there might be to alieve some of them. Some of them may just draw more attention to her than she would like though. However, I don't think it is a good thing to send the message to your daughter that she can just avoid and get out of physical activity.
Still to this day I hate exercising in front of other people - and I am now fit and not out of shape - but I hate the whole heavy breathing, red in the face, sweaty sensation - and don't like doing it in front of other people. I think it just reminds me of when I was out of shape. I know I will never join a gym, I can't understand why people like to exercise in front of others. But I do quietly, in private, exercise at home - aerobics tape on tv, etc.. And I know that when I have to exercise in front of other people I am no longer self-conscious about it. Perhaps if you worked with your daughter before school starts - you still have many weeks left - if she first understands that the red-in-the-face, sweaty business is all part of it - she doesn't appear any less out of shape because of it - in fact, I've read the healthiest, most in shape people actually sweat the fastest - their bodies have been trained to realize they are exercising and they appropriately snap into action. But if she could quietly, privately, get into shape and feel better about herself, she won't feel so bad when she actually has to be sweating it out in gym class. She'll be use to the sensation. She'll have confidence in her own abilities. If you get her to work out 3-4 times per week for the next 4 weeks - she'll see some major improvement in herself and it will start the ball rolling. Find out something she'd like - even "Just Dance" on the wii (but choose the really challenging dances). Get her involved in picking the exercise and the reason behind it, and she just may be motivated.
Good luck. Have compassion. But don't let her skip school for it.

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As a teacher in MA, I'm pretty sure that it is a state requirement for a student to have gym in order to graduate. Has she asked to get permission to change in the nurses's office? Some of my students have done that. I wouldn't try to get her out of gym, she needs it and we all have obstacles that we have to face. Usually in high school there are more choices, so it might actually get better for her. Good luck!

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It is state law in Massachusetts that all students participate in gym every year. She can not graduate high school without taking four years of gym during hs. Sometimes you can substitute sports for gym class but that does not sound like it will help her problem.

Locker rooms should have curtains. Ours always did at least on half of the stalls. If they do not, speak to someone about having them installed. And in the meantime see if she can change elsewhere.

I never changed in front of others -- I always found a stall with privacy. I hated changing for gym and got red in the face too. I still did it for all the years because I had to. Letting her out of it is not going to fix the problem. It will only teach her that she is right to be ashamed of her body. She should never feel ashamed of her body. Help her build up her confidence with additional activities -- take an aerobics class or something together to help her get in shape, continue working with a therapist that she clicks with, etc.

Good luck!

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try getting a note from the doctor saying she cant take part in gym class and ask the school if she can take something in place of it to still get the credits she needs...i know that my nephew took art and shop instead of pe

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Is there no place she can change in private? Can she go in a stall or something? That's something I would discuss with the school.

Other than that, she should go. It's GOOD for her face to get red. It will make her skin glow, and she will look more beautiful. Most people's faces get red when they exercise -- tell her that. And she needs to learn what it feels like to exert her body. She should find a sport outside of school in addition, that way she will get used to the effects of exercise -- redness, sweating, etc. (And then -- endorphins! The natural drug!)

She needs to exercise. I would not let her out of gym class, just find a place for her to change. My kids hates Spanish. Should he be able to skip it?

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I haven't read any of the other responses but have you looked in to seeing if possible to dual enroll her in a virtual school aswell as the regular school. Meaning let her take an additional "regular" class in school (an elective or something) and take the PE and someother elective virtually (kinda like homeschool) as long as you are willing to make sure she is active and can do the work I don't think it would be too bad

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Hi D.,

I haven't read all the below responses.

My opinion is that it sounds like your daughter NEEDS physical activity and nutritional counseling. I have nothing against people who are overweight, I used to be myself. It's not what one looks like, but how healthy they are that matters. If your daughter gets red in the face, she is out of condition. If she doesn't like how she looks, then help her do something about it in a proactive, positive manner. When you visit her pediatrician, don't ask for a note to get her out of P.E. Ask for a referal to see a nutritionist. Talk to the P.E. teacher. Ask them how to help your daughter to get into better condition.

One of the easiest exercises is walking. Everyone should walk for 1/2 hour per day minimum. Start slow and build up your pace as you get used to it. Extend the time after that. It's a great family activity.

Everyone needs exercise, even thin people. But some people take it to the extreme - exercise addicts and people who think they are overweight but aren't and use exercise and extreme dieting to lose weight that they really need. That is not healthy.

Let her know that nice people don't care what someone looks like. It's what the person is like that matters. People who pick on others for the way they look are the ones with problems.

Here are some helpful links:
http://thepaleodiet.com/
http://www.realage.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exercise

Good luck,
: ) MD

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Short of her having special needs or a medical problem and a valid written doctor's excuse, she is probably going to have to take gym. I believe it is required for graduation.

If you don't know graduation requirements in your area, I'd contact the school district or go online and see what the district and/or state graduation requirements are exactly. You might even find information about opting out of class.

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I grew up in MA and had the same issue with gym class. My mom had me see a therapist who wrote a letter to the school saying it was too traumatizing for me to get changed in front of other students. I was allowed to go on work study instead and used those credits to graduate.

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That is really too bad that she feels so uncomfortable. Gym class is so miserable - I was a fit teen, and I still hated it with all my being. It took until after HS for me to figure out that I actually loved working out (just not in team sports).

If she has to take gym, do they have the option of working out elsewhere other than team activities? In my HS, we could opt to do an aerobics video in another area away from volleyball or whatnot.

Maybe together you can find some creative ways for her to exercise away from PE Class. Can she walk or ride her bike to school? Can she join a gym, do workout videos at home, or exercise with a friend? Perhaps if she felt better about working out, she's loose some weight . Plus if you can show the school that she has her own individual work-out plan, maybe it would make it easier to opt out of class.

Good luck!

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In MA it is a requirement to graduate, if you are on a sports team I believe you could opt out but the jocks never did. Both I and my children did not have the option. We also had the Kennedy Physical Fitness test, if my kids did not make the grade, which did happen they had to take extra gym during a study.

I agree with other posters you should not be trying to find an excuse for her for something that appears she could benefit from, all those days she missed, she was also missing out on something else in school and you can not get that back. Our town would not allow that many sick days and pass to the next grade.

Also, we always had stalls for changing (my days in school we were also made to shower). nobody ever died from it.

Time for a little tough love is needed and do not think other kids do not see what is happening, that can be hard on your daughter too.

Maybe the only option would be a private school

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For two years in high school, I took gym during summer school instead of during the year... I do not know if that is a possibility around here, but I could show up dressed for gym and come home to shower after. I never went in the locker room except for swimming. We also did things like bike riding, etc, that weren't an option during the regular school year.

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Hmmm...this is a tough one. I hated gym class too and often got out of it in HS (where it was only scheduled for 2 of 6 days) by pretending that my minor, occassional knee pain was a major, chronic injury. I regret doing that, though, because I have been battling excess weight since that time and I think that kids (esp. girls) who are athletic in high school and college tend to stay that way. Here are some thoughts:
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If there is a female on the athletic staff at the high school (there will be I can assure you) talk to her and get some ideas - body image issues are so common at this age that she can't be the first or last girl to go through this so maybe an empathetic female will have some good ideas.

What is the phys ed curriculum like in high school? I know that I would have participated more in a gym/workout type atmosphere than I did in the atmosphere of playing team sports at which I was no good. Maybe she can just walk on a track or treadmill during that period instead of playing volleyball or whatever the sport of the day is.

Were any of her friends in her old classes? I would think that phys ed is separated by gender and your daughter's schedule could tie up with that of at least one friend, which could provide some comfort and support.

Finally, if you can get her out of gym (which I still don't think is a great idea) make sure that she is doing something physical on a daily or almost daily basis - if she doesn't play a sport or do something like dance, make joining a gym (and going) part of the get-out-of-phys-ed deal. Maybe if she goes to a gym and sees people of all shapes and sizes and ages and fitness levels huffing and puffing and looking utterly undignified she'll get over her self-consciousness and come to love being active and not care about how she looks while doing it.

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I was the same way. I hated gym class all along but when I entered high school it was horrible. I almost didn't gratuate because I countinued to fail gym as I refussed to particapate. It finally came to the point that my parents and I had a meeting with the two gym teachers. We finally came to the agreement that if I put at least a little effort into the sports I liked like tennis and track that for the more aggressive sports that scared me so much I would get sick that I could walk the field or gym where everyone else was having gym. As long as I was doing some movement they were happy.
The biggest thing I believe that helped me is that my parents didn't force me into doing something I didn't want to do. They took the time to really listen to why I didn't like gym. Sounds like you are doing everything you can do. Just keep being supportive.
Good luck and I hope your daughter can get thru high school with as little trauma because of gym as possible.

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If there's a requirement for some amount of PE to graduate, she's going to have to do some of it. Avoiding physical activity is not going to help. I get beet red in the face, too. I always have - it's normal for me. I get red enough I scare people - but moving and sweating ultimately makes me feel good and my skin feels great after I shower the sweat off. I took dance classes outside of school, and tae kwon do would be good, too. Can she walk on a tread mill at home for a mile a day? She has to realize NO ONE likes the locker rooms - she's not alone in how she feels - we all just have to muddle through it as best we can. If the therapist she has is not working out it's time to find another therapist. I get a feeling she does not have a good self image of herself (no matter how much or little she weighs). Not dealing with this (running away from it, so to speak) is not going to solve anything and it could be a problem that follows her through life long after she graduates school.

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talk to your dr. see if you can help your daughter lose some weight.. maybe get her enrolled in a class at a gym which could help her with her self esteem.. it could help her health later on too. After you talk to the dr.. talk to the school. Our high school.. has many types of gym classes.. one is walking .. just walking... we also have tennis gym, weigh lifting gym.. and other stuff like that. We also have before school and after school gym classes.. maybe if she could meet with the gym teacher at another time say before school... this could help her.. In the U.S. it is like taking math or spelling, Gym has to be taken. Help her work on losing some weight... maybe weight watchers can hellp.. go for walks with her at night... if she feels better ... she won't feel so bad in gym... Maybe sign up for swimming or an excersise class... she needs to feel better about herself... and improve herself.. good luck...

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You have to check with your school-most schools you need credits of PE to graduate..my husband actually put off gym for the same reason he hated it and when he got to be a senior he had to take four gym classes in one year! So make sure you check into graduation requirments before you cancel any classes!

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First off I agree all kids need some form of exercise, so if she is going to get out of gym at school, tell her she has to do some kind of exercise at home, walking, join a gym, something. I totally agree with the not wanting or liking to change in front of others. I suggest having the therapist or pediatrician write a note to school stating that for specific emotional and/or physical reasons your daughter needs to be withdrawn from gym and placed in another class of some kind during the gym hour. Or just write the note yourself and include the contact info for your doctors, if they do contact the therapist or doctor, the doctors can't say a single thing to them about your daughter. I have volunteered in the office of my sons school on many occassions and if someone brought in a note from the doctor for any reason whatsoever, they never checked on it, Why? it wouldn't do any good, the doctors office can't give out any info at all because of HIPPA and confidentiality. They can't even verify if the person listed is an actual patient of the doctor or not.
I have a friend that always made up doctors notes for all of her kids for whatever reason and the schools never knew it was made-up information.

I don't think it's a requirement in this state. Can you get a medical note from this therapist she was seeing? With proper documentation, she could get out of it.

A suggestion- if she can't get out, maybe you could request that she be allowed to change elsewhere. Also, they may have alternative exercises for her to do.

I used to work at a high school. The gym teachers didn't make the students do anything. In fact, half were just sitting around talking.

You may be able to get her out of gym if you have a doctor that will excuse her from it. If you talk to her doctor about the amount of undo anxiety it causes, they should be willing. If not, try another doctor. Physical activity is important, but not when it's a detriment to her mental health or academics. If her weight is an issue, try getting her to exercise in the privacy of your home. Good luck.

I know in high school, we were required to take one year of PE to graduate. There were places in the locker room you could change more privately if you wanted to. We also had a very relaxed teacher, who let us walk the track many days. If she has to take it, maybe she could get it last period of the day, so she can wear her gym clothes home, or if they have a zero period, she could take it then and just wear her gym clothes and change after to regular clothes. You can talk to the school and they may be able to help and find an alternative at our school even if you were involved in sports outside of on in school you still had to take PE. Most of us took PE as freshmen, but she might be able to put it off for a year and then she would be older then the others in class and they wouldn't be her direct classmates. The school may let her do something else if you explain the problems or can have a note from her doctor that it is too stressful and could be harmful to her if she takes PE. Good luck to both of you and I hope it works out for her so she is comfortable and enjoys her new school.

I love the other respondent's suggestion to try to get something outside of gym to count. I have no idea what the rules are in MA, but I seem to remember kids who did gymnastics, competitive swimming, etc. getting out of gym. Maybe she could find something she likes where she wouldn't have the awkwardness socially. Even something like horesback riding could give her some exercise without the typical PE issues. I personally think it would be a real shame for PE to ruin her entire school experience and I think PE is a lot less important than being in class. Let her know that it won't be long before she will make her own choices about excercise and body care, and that you trust her to make the decision that is best for her. Once you know what the options are in your school district, you might help her with some ideas.
One last thing: Once you decide to get her out of this, you may have to be prepared for a fight. There are definitely people who aren't going to understand or who will think strict adherance to the rules are what is most important. My dad almost didn't graduate from High School because he never went to gym. Instead, he went to the library and did his own research projects. Best of luck to you and your daughter, and good for you for being her advocate!

You may have to get a note from her Pediatrician excusing her from gym b/c if it is a state requirement then she has to take it unless there is a medical problem, but getting her out of gym may also prevent her from joining ANY after school programs and sport. Also in my high school if you took a sport each season (like soccer in the fall, basketball inthe winter and softball in the spring)then you could skip gym. Now a day with all the talk about childhood obesity the schools are really pushing gym. In my high school the showers were seperated and enclosed with a changing area and you could change in the bathroom in the locker room. Look into the looker room at her new school maybe you could come up with ideas for her to adjust ahead of time. Good luck!

Take her to the Dr. and get a pass for to refrain from going to gym until this can be resolved.