What Is the Matter with Me.

Hi J. - Sounds like you are having a really hard time - it sounds like your whole family is having a really hard time. Talking with a counselor is a VERY good idea to help you work through your loss and the sources of the anger you are feeling. If the meds arent really working, it means that you have things that you need to work out emotionally.

Anger is a natural part of the grief process but all of us need to make sure that our anger is directed at the right place and not toward the innocent.

I've been in a similar situation and I remember how angry I felt because it all seemed so unfair. It wasnt fair that my mom wasnt there to take care of me. It wasnt fair that my pregnancy was so hard when all my friends had it so easy. It wasnt fair that I got Bells Palsy and looked so awful. It wasnt fair that people around me didnt understand how painful and hard it was for me.

Please trust me, I get it. I've lived it. It's okay if you're mad that your life simply sucks right now. It's just not okay to take it out on anyone in range. This is hard to hear but it sounds like you've been pretty hard to live with and to be around. No one wants to have to "walk on eggshells" all the time or sit around and be bashed by someone else's tiffs and tantrums. It's something that you need to take personal responsibility for and apologize for. That was the first step I had to take in order to reign in my constant irritation. I encourage you to pray alot. God can handle your anger and He can help heal your hurt.

I wish you all the best - you and your family!

J.,

My heart goes out to you! Here's what I want you to know and to think about.

You are grieving the loss of your mother. At the root of anger is usually sadness, helplessness, feelings of anxiety. It is 100% OK to feel these feelings and that's good that you are expressing yourself. Combined with your personal loss are the pregnancy hormones that are turning you topsy-turvy in the emotional department. Crying at the drop of a hat, laughing hysterically, gushing with love, and then snapping with anger all in a matter of minutes is quite common and you are in good company with others who are pregnant, including myself at this time. It is also common to have insomnia during pregnancy (I'm there with you too) and that can make anyone angry and snippy during the day. We're exhausted, plain and simple.

My concern actually is that your husband is not being as supportive as he should be during this time. Your behavior is understandable. His is not. At a time when he is needed the most and his strength appreciated the most, he dodges that emotional load. I would feel angry at him if I were you too, but obviously nothing good is coming from it. What I would suggest is counseling for both of you. It does not mean your marriage is on the rocks. What it does mean is that you both need help in dealing with a crisis situation (death of a parent), amplified by a life-changing event (pregnancy). A counselor can COACH both of you on how to get you through this difficult time without resorting to last straws, like him leaving you and your kids (shame on him!).

I am not a counselor, but I am going to one right now for the same reason. My husband is an emotion dodger and whenever there's a crisis, problem, major life-changing event like pregnancy he may as well live in a cave by himself, leaving me to deal with it all alone. Putting it bluntly, it sucks! I swear women are stronger than men in so many ways it is almost laughable.

But in order to "help our husbands along" in this journey called marriage, I think it's important not to give up because these kinds of men are clueless. Rather, we should give our best effort to keep it all together the best way we can, which may include seeking outside support, so that our families stay intact and children have both mommy and daddy around. Our strengths as parents are different (can I get an AMEN on that one, ladies?!?) and we need to nurture what is best in both. Somewhere in there your husband has a strength that can help the relationship thrive. Let a counselor coax it out of him.

You, in the meantime, need to relax and do what's best for you and your little one who's ready to come into this world via your family. In five years, the pain from this time won't matter as much. You'll be onto fonder thoughts of your mom and enjoying watching your little one grow. Take it a day at a time and think good thoughts. Meditate. Pray. Get the meds you need and the therapy you and your husband can use and make it work. Best of luck, fellow mama! I'm with ya in spirit! :)

It seems like you are dealing with a lot and unwilling to accept the impact of what's going on. When I was pregnant with my daughter, my father was dying of cancer. Four days after my daughter was born, my Dad died, 2000 miles away. My dad and I were VERY close. I did not get to see him. He never saw his only grandchild! So now I had this most wonderful and demanding baby, and I was grieving my dad's death. I was angry, I was stressed, I was soooo tired. I didn't know what I was feeling or how to deal with it. I guess what helped the most for me was to accept that these things were really hard and not to try to just suck-it-up and be strong. you might need to talk to someone who can help you work out your feelings about losing your mom - and yes, it is not fair, and I think you have every right to feel angry - that is a stage of grieving. It doesn't seem like the drugs are the answer. You need to address the underlying cause, not just the symptoms. Good luck. Hold dear to what you have and treasure.

It sounds like you're still dealing with the grieving process and overwhelmed with everything going on in your life. Add pregnancy hormones to the mix and you start to loose it, right? ... been there.

I would ask for a referral to a counselor (usually LCSW). I have a mood disorder, and in my opinion (an experience) and mood stabalizers (including zoloft) should NEVER be prescribed without counseling. See, the med makes it possible for our brains and emotions to function more properly, but we generally need the counseling to retrain ourselves. Drugs won't do it alone. Especially since you're dealing with the loss of your mom, and now it's spilling out even more and affecting your family and that adds more stress ... its a feedback loop/vicious cycle. Tell your OB you want to see a counselor and get a referral. (I know of a good place in SLC if you're in that area.)

Also talk to your husband. Pick a time when you are calm. Let him know you are stressed and overwhelmed and you need his help. Be very honest, tell him you are also getting help from appropriate professionals, but his support is priceless and you really appreciate all he does. Even take him to a counseling appointment if you can - it can give him perspective of what you are dealing with.

anti depressants can be harmful during pregnancy. Your situation is tough and your hormones make it worse. Did you go through the grieving process? If you didnt cope with it, it will keep comming up and causing problems. It sounds to me like you need a weekly girls night out and just chat and bond. Also, your husband shouldnt be leaving you! he needs to be supporting and helping you! You need to sit him down and tell him how he is so not helping the situation.

The docs switched me to Zoloft from Prozac and I went WHACKO. I thought I was bipolar. I thought my mood swings one day would become so unmanageable I'd hurt myself. It was the Zoloft. I didn't need it.

Let me add that I had been treated with Prozac without a full diagnosis. Crying spells, chronic fatigue... It was all hormone related and had NOTHING to do with depression. Doctors are so quick to throw you an anti-depressant Rx without really knowing what's causing your symptoms. I was misdiagnosed and mistreated for 7 years. The worst years of my life.

Get a second opinion. If some of what you're feeling is hormonal, anti-depressants AREN'T going to help.

You definitely have lots of dynamics going on in your life. I personally did 8 weeks of bedrest with a 20 month old. Definitely ask for help from family, friends and church. It is tough to do, but you need to do it now versus spending years or a lifetime caring for a child that was born too soon.

I'd also like to fill you in on some energy work called The Emotion Code. Your body is all energy and often during times of illness or stress, your body will trap emotional energy or even create heart walls to protect you. I got certified in this work several months ago and have seen pretty amazing things physically, emotionally and behaviorally in people and animals. I recently shared it with a friend whose brother had tried suicide several times and she was desperate for help. It made a day and night difference in him and he is talking about the future for the first time in months. I shared this with a woman who I worked on a few months prior. She told me that she did not share it with me at the time, but she too was suicidal and has been doing much better. I've also seen it help with anger. Certain emotions have certain frequencies and if you have trapped emotions of anger already vibrating within you, it is easier to get angry when something happens that most people would normally blow off. Happy to get you more detailed info if you like.

Good luck and take care of yourself.
S.

HI,
I agree with the rest of the posts that your emotions and actions are completely understandable even when they are so foreign to the person you "normally" are. I lost someone very close to me when I was younger and I hated the world for it. No matter what I tried I couldn't shake being mad ALL the time-and I mean so mad that I wanted to hit people. Fortunately I did not have children at the time-now that I'm a Mom I cannot imagine how my much worse my mood would have been if I had to focus on taking care of my kids every day. This may sound odd but you need time to just be as mad as your mind and body NEED to be right now. If you are not allowed to work through the natural grieving process then your going to be stuck in the anger phase for longer than necessary. If your husband's response is to stay with family while you go through it, fine, but take the kids, too! Maybe a few days alone to come to grips with what your body really wants to do right now-which is probably cry and sleep-would help that anger subside at least to a manageable level. The only thing that is going to completely take away the anger is time.
The most important thing is that you know what you are feeling is not a mystery but a very common part of grief, pregnancy, AND the pressure of the upcoming holidays. Hang in there, this will be nothing but a memory soon.

Oh sweet J.,
I think most women can relate to what you are going through, at least I know I can. My first pregnancy was similar. In my oppinion, it sounds like you have gone through some rough things with your mom passing away. Most often that is when our emotions will really surface and with pregnancy hormones on top of it... completely normal. Have you looked into some counseling? At least to have a sounding board and get some professional oppinions? OB's are great, but maybe she(he) doesn't know the best med options. I have been on Zoloft and had often taken Benedryl to sleep. It seemed like to me when the Zoloft wore off I was an Oager! Benadryl did help me fall asleep but not stay asleep then I was always kind of groggy and grumpy in the morning. I wish I had a solution for you. Keep your chin up. You will be through with this pregnancy before you know it. Give your husband the benefit of the doubt. I know you need support right now, but maybe it is too hard for him to give to you. Do you have family around or some good girl friends that understand?

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Have you tried acupuncture? I've heard it can help regulate your hormones and it is safe during pregnancy. Just a thought!

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand a lot of what you are going through. I study nutrition, and what I like to recommend to people is that they get a really good B Complex vitamin. I call them my B Happy vitamins. They help my mood like none other. Also if you can find something more natural like St Johns Wort, and get off the drugs if you can. If you are drinking large amounts of milk that is not organic, you could be estrogen dominant. Estrogen is the cause of PMS,(kinda the sympoms you are having) Anyway, I hope you get the help and support you need. Your family needs you. Also estrogen dominance causes preterm labor. I know because it happened to me 4 times.

I echo everything else that was said.

I think you need to go off the anti-depressants and benadryl. You are in the anger stage of grieving and you need to let yourself go through it. Your husband has no idea how to handle things so that is why he has checked out. Can you send your kids to the family he is staying with?

My best recommendation would be to find another girlfriend that has lost a mom if you have a girlfriend like that, and talk, talk, talk. Or maybe if you don't have a friend who has gone through this, maybe you have a nice friend that would just listen to you pour out all your emotions and not freak out over it. I know one of my best friends lost her mom to cancer when we were in college, and she said more than anything, she needed to talk about everything to people, but no one knew what to say so they said not much at all to her.

If you want to privately email me, I would be willing to listen to whatever anger and rage you want to spill out. I really helps to write things down in a journal, too. The paper always listens.

Don't knock Chinese medicine, either. Acupuncture and acupressure really relax your system, physically and emotionally and are safe during pregnancy.

Hugs,
Marci

you just need to tell your doctor that the zoloft isn't working. zoloft works with particular chemicals in your brain, but those may not be the ones that need the help right now. a different antidepressant will work on a different set of chemicals. make sure you tell your doctor you feel angry all the time. do this today! call the office and tell the nurse you want a different prescription right away. and after the baby is born, i suggest avoiding any birth control that is progestin only. it is a depressant. and i would call the family that your husband is staying with and ask them to please take in your children for a few days as well or come stay with you. husbands are wimps sometimes when we need them the most. but we can stay strong even when they give up. you can do this!

Each time you have an angry thought, make yourself think 2 nice thoughts. if seeing your husband leave something on the floor makes you mad, think of 2 things right then that he does that you like. Do the same with your children and with anything else that makes you mad or upset. It'll feel rusty at first, but after a few days your attitude will reset. People will start to like being around you again. You'll feel like smiling.

There's an online anger management course that's really good: http://www.k-state.edu/wwparent/courses/fireworks/fw1-1.htm

I agree with other posts that this is a natural part of the grieving process combined with hormones. Your Dr. really wants to help you and thought she could do her part with the Zoloft, etc. But when you have all of that grief and anger, it has to be dealt with. These kinds of meds are no more than a bandaid if you don't work through what got you feeling this way in the first place. They can help you deal with it all more easily while you are in the process, but won't wipe out the isssues on their own. I hope you might strongly consider talking to a counselor to help you work through this. I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm so glad thatyu recognizeyour anger issues are uncharacteristic for you. That tells meyhat even though you are takingsteps in this tragic and difficult time, they are just not enough to get you closeto where you know you want to be. I would see a counselor or psychiatrist asap. Whe we are pregnant we often don't realize just how damaging our behaviors really arebecause weare so focused on our pregnancy, and with the complications then loss of your mother... Well that is just more than any person could handle on their own!!!!! I'm so sorry you have to go through this! Keep looking for answers and hang in there those little ones need you... and hubby probably needs you too.

I don't know if youdrink coffee, but if you do, listen to this. I was having some similar anger problems recently and I was venting about it to my mom. My mom is going to school for Chinese medicine and she asked me if I was drinking fancy coffee, like the kind you have to grind. I told her I was and she said that could be part of my problem. Some people respond to the heat in the caffeine of ground coffees and it acts almost like a steroid in your system, causing severe anger and irritability problems. She told me to try to drink my fancy coffee only once every four days or say for a while and to let her know what happens. Well, she was right. I'm not near as irritable as I was before and the anger has almost completely subsided. I still drink coffee, but I drink decaf now, and then it's like a treat when I get to have the real stuff. I don't know if that has anything to do with you, but it can't hurt to try. Especially with you being pregnant and all the other factors affecting your body right now. If nothing else, prayers are coming your way and I hope everything works out for you!

Your mom just died & you're pregnant, that's what's wrong. You've got a horribly sad situation to deal with & your hormones are all over the chart while you're trying to deal, it's no wonder you're not sleeping!
Have you given yourself time to grieve yet? I've heard of pregnant women also feeling guilt-they're bringing a new life in & one has just ended. If the Zoloft isn't working & hubby has basically left you out in the wind, I think it's time to set up an appt w/a counselor-they can help you work through your isses, make peace w/your mom's death, figure out coping strategies that will work best for you & make it through the rest of your pregnancy happier & healthier.
Good luck to you!

Hello J.,

I'm sorry for your difficulties right now.

It looks like you already have received some good advice, so my input feels a little insignificant, but here it is. I don't have experience with anti-depressants, but the item that caught my attention in your post was the Benadryl. Yes, for some people it can make them drowsy and therefore help you sleep. However, my father is a pharmacist (40+years) and I talked to him recently about giving my son Benadryl to help him sleep on his first airplane flight. He strongly recommended against it because in some people Benadryl can actually cause them to feel hyperactive, the last thing a parent wants for their child on an airplane. Anyway, you might consider dropping the Benadryl to see what happens. It may be contributing to not sleeping well, and if it's resulting in any hyperactivity in you, that can't be helping your anger issues.

Best wishes.

J.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love. I think that you should talk to your husband about how you are feeling and definitely don't push him away. You need his support to get through this time. Your kids need you to be present for them and your unborn baby needs you to take care of yourself. Try writing in a journal - that might help you figure out why you are mad at the world. Seek comfort from a higher power (God, or whomever you believe in) and know that you have three beautiful children who think you are the greatest thing in the world.

So sorry, you will pull out of this. Have you tried meditation and/or prayer? It is healing to the soul. Take a deep breath and let things go.

Just this week, I finally relented and visited a psych Dr to get a prescription for an anti-depressant. I've been irritable and angry at the world for the better part of a year, unable to enjoy most things in my life, despite two beautiful children who have given me so much happiness over the past few years. You're definitely depressed and overwhelmed and it sounds like you need more than medication. The fact that your husband has left you with a household of children to manage on your own can't be helping the situation one bit. My advice is to get some counseling and find a way to get him back into the house to help you. You're probably sleep deprived with worry over your pregnancy and that contributes to the toxic brain chemistry of depression. Counseling isn't cheap, believe me, I really can't afford it either. but you have to find a way to soften your heart, accept your circumstances, stop alienating those who care about you and return your focus to your mental health, the health of the baby you're carrying, your children, your marriage, etc. the anti-depressant I was prescribed has yet to really kick in and turn my attitude around but just getting into someone's care has given me hope that I am once again going to start enjoying the gifts in my life, even though the struggles remain. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm lecturing, I'm trying hard to practice what I'm preaching actually. It's hard but you're not alone, you're not the only one who feels the way you do, but we have to realize that to some extent, it is a choice to stay angry and sad. Choose life and love, and happiness should follow, right??? ;)
Best wishes, you CAN turn this around but you have to admit your problem and be open to any help available.

Honey, I'm so sorry to hear that. That might just be too much stress on you. I wish that I had some advice for you. I just want to wish you well and hope you feel better soon. You have a lot on your shoulders. Take care of yourself, good luck.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am very concerned that your husband is abandoning you during this tough time. I also think you may need to see a psychiatrist to be sure the meds are being useful and to monitor you and the side effects - for example, Benedryl can agitate some people and make your situation worse, not better.

I'm a family therapist and I do think you may want to talk to a therapist about your grief, loss and stress. It's perfectly all right to feel overwhelmed by what has happened and now you have the complication of pregnancy. Talking to a therapist can help put things in perspective and help you brainstorm better ways to handle things.

I hope things resolve soon. take care of yourself.

I am so sorry that you lost your mom at such a significant time in your life. That must be so hard. I lost my dad 9 1/2 years ago and it still hurts terribly sometimes. There's a book that helped me a lot: 'How to Survive the Loss of a Parent: A Guide for Adults' by Lois F. Akner and Catherine Whitney.

It's only been a month and I don't think you should underestimate the effect this event will have on you. And neither should your husband--who I think should be allowing you time to grieve and not leaving you alone to take care of your kids, IMO.

Grief aside, I remember being mad at the world during the last chunk of my pregnancies. I thought there should be reserved parking *everywhere* for pregnant women 'cause it's just so tiring to carry that whole extra person around all the time! I thought that there should be rules about how nice you should be to pregnant women 'cause they are clearly exhausted. Basically, I was grumpy and felt entitled to some compensation and a little cooperation from everyone else. ;) Anyway, I'm not sure that throwing meds at your issues is the best idea, generally speaking. And I agree with the other folks here that a therapist might be a good idea. Frankly, I'm not sure I'd expect that my OB was qualified, really, to decide which med/dosage of anti-depressant I should be on.

Sleep will also be important for your mood, of course. Can you try some relaxation techniques? Massage (of course), yoga (as much as one can do yoga on bedrest, anyway...maybe yogic breathing), meditation, hot bath, something?

Ugh, I really feel for you, having to process this loss during such a wonderful but stressful time in your life. Be good to yourself... you've got an awful lot on your plate right now.

Big hugs & best of luck!

J.:

I'm so sorry to hear about all you're dealing with right now! I don't really have great advice about how "fix it", but I would like to give you some encouragement!

Nothing is "wrong" with you. Your mom just recently passed away. That is a very traumatic life change to go through - and the grieving process can take months, sometimes years, to get through. That in itself can change things dramatically, but on top of it you're pregnant! Pregnancy is a wonderful, miraculous thing, but it can also be very overwhelming and difficult. Your hormones are raging, your body is changing daily and you have to cope with that and keep up with every day life and it's challenges.

My suggestion is to talk to someone like a counselor. It's good if you can talk to a friend or your husband about it, but a counselor is a non-biased third party who can be more objective. Plus you don't have to feel guilty talking to a counselor, like you're taking up their time or burdening them (that's how I usually feel if I'm dumping my problems on a friend or my hubby). Keeping a journal can help immensely. You can put everything down on paper - all that you're feeling and going through. It helps to purge all of that stuff, but you can also look back and maybe find patterns for when you're feeling angry, sad, or happy, and then you can try to either eliminate or duplicate those situations. Also, maybe try to take a weekly prenatal yoga class or get a prenatal message, if the doc okays it. Do something that is good for your body as well as your mind-set. These things can help alleviate some stress and they might help you sleep better at night. I LOVED my yoga during, and after, my pregnancies!! Prayer is a powerful tool also!

Good luck with everything and congratulations on your third baby! I'll pray for emotional healing, protection for you and your baby for the duration of your pregnancy, and for family cohesiveness.

Take care, S.

I am so sorry you are going through all this. My heart goes out to you right now. You have received some great advice so far, and I have a few thoughts for you.

A few people have suggested doing natural herbal rememdies, which normally I would overlook and not worry too much about, but I do want to caution you. Just because something is "natural" or "herbal" doesn't always make it safe, and in fact can interact badly with medications that you are taking. Also, the dosage an adult might take that is considered safe for an adult may not be safe for a fetus, and keep in mind that everything you consume is passed on to your baby. These herbal remedies are not regulated by the FDA therefore can escape the radar. I am not saying to totaly dismiss Eastern medicine, because I think it has it's place and can be very helpfu, but please be careful.

Also, I am wondering if it might be time for you to see a therapist who has traiing with pregnancies. Obstetricians are great for most things, but many of them don't have much, if any training, in counseling or pharmacology, so it might be helpful to see someone who has a better understanding of which anti--dpression meds work best of pregnant women. Also, keep in mind that a lot of those meds take several weeks to get to a therapuetic level, so please don't give up on the Zoloft entirely! It probably hasn't had a chance to fully work yet!

Hang in there! I am praying for you, and remember to breath.

T.

You are going through a really tough time right now. So here is my advice, first take a deep breath, then look up a good couselor, and get some help. Losing a parent is really difficult, losing a parent when you are pumped full of hormones from being pregnant is really, really difficult. But.....adding drugs (of any kind) makes it next to impossible to cope with the feelings that you are having at this point. Stop taking all the medications that have been prescribed and go talk to a professional counselor about your feelings at this point. All medications do is mask (cover up) what you are really feeling right now. And even though you are pregnant and the baby will arrive soon, you will still have the feelings and anger you have now. Get professional help, no drugs, and talk through what you are feeling, it's the only way to get through it, otherwise you will take it out on family members, and the NEW baby. I know I have been there. Please get help.

Just to touch on a couple points:
See if your doc will let you try a different kind of anti-depressant. My husband and sister-in-law both had problems with the first kind they tried-they didn't work. There are different kinds though, that work in different parts of the brain.
Would your husband be open to marriage counseling?
My sympathies on your mom's passing and the bed rest. I was on bed rest for 17 weeks with my most recent son, starting at 19 weeks of pregnancy. It sucked, but was worth it in the end. Don't be afraid to ask for help from family and friends. Ask someone to clean (that is the only benefit of bedrest!!!!) your house, care for your kids, and cook meals at least a couple times a week. Relax as much as possible for the good of your unborn baby.
Good luck with everything!