What Is the Best for My Family?

When I found out I was pregnant with our daughter I was shocked. I was simply not ready. My partner and I sat down and talked about our options for many days before we decided to keep the pregnancy. I am grateful I was able to make that choice and to see it as such. Only you can decide what is right for you and your family. My pregnancy was not planned, I was not ready but we decided to bring her into this world anyway and it has been a blessing. It felt right. Only you know if it feels right. We do have the right to choose. Terminating first trimester pregnancy is both legal and, to some of us, an ethical and reasonable decision in some circumstances. Sometimes, as overwhelming as a possibility as it is, an unplanned pregnancy can be absolutely wonderful. Sometimes, it is not. You will make the right decision. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful

S.,
girl, where do i even start!? LOL i guess i'll tell you a little about myself 1st.
i'm a single mom of 3yr old twins who works and goes to college w/no outside help from anyone other than daycare(dad has started gettin them on saturdays). before my kids were born i was that person who couldn't even remember to feed my dog!! seriously. i worry every day about the fact that my kids are getting screwed because i have NO IDEA what i'm doing or if i'm even remotely doing it right. we were still in the hospital after they were born and i was in the bed w/a crying baby in each arm crying myself and thinking "OMG! there is no way i can do this. what was i thinking!!?" well, my son actually stopped screaming for a minute and looked at me, was actually focused on me! and it just clicked. i got this. i can do this. from that day every move i make is with my kids in mind- they give me the reason to get out of bed and put my feet on the floor in the morning. now dont get me wrong- i probably screw up a lot. A LOT!! some days i just want to beat my head against the wall and honestly some days i kind of want to knock their heads together. but of course i never do. and u know what? at the end of the day i love those kids more than the air i breathe. i have never had anything in my life make me feel the way i feel when they climb in my lap just to say luv u mommy. i guess the point i want to get across is DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF. if raising 2 kids on your own is how its meant to be, then thats how it will be and you'll do just like i did and find that place deep inside yourself that you never even knew was there and you'll know "i got this. i can do this" all you can do is love your kids with all your heart and make the best of whatever your situation is. i promise you you'll do fine even if you dont think so now.
sorry this was so long but i hope it helps!!

best wishes and have faith!
J.

3 moms found this helpful

My family was complete with 3 children ages 10 1/2 , 8, and the "baby" just turned 4~ so imagine 4 years later now I have just found out that I am pregnant with our 4th child ~ not planned, never expected. I have a good feeling I know exactly what you are feeling about this surprise that feels more like a burden than a blessing. The truth is that all babies no matter how they come are blessings and this is a fact that I am finally coming to terms with. The shock and the surprise for me personally is slowly wearing off and there is a small part of me that is finally starting to feel a little excited. I am only 10 1/2 weeks pregnant and it hasn't been an enjoyable experience so far because of the pregnancy sickness, exhaustion...and I am a stay at home mommy to 3 children already. My life is very busy.

God has special plans for all of us, including the little surprises He imposes on our lives at the most unexpected times. I have a strong faith in the Lord and I know that He didn't allow this pregnancy to occur for you or for me without good reason. His plans are much greater than we can fathom and I hope that in time you will come to accept what God has given you, like I am slowly accepting mine. Please do not consider an abortion. You have been given a gift from God and you may never understand but we are not God and we should not act like Him. He gives life. And He takes it away. Your marriage may be strengthened because of this new child. You have no way of knowing the future. But God does and if you would just have faith in knowing that He knows what is best for us (even when at times it feels like it isn't the best for us), His plans for our future are much bigger.

3 moms found this helpful

I think that any child is a blessing and a gift not to be taken lightly. You don't know what your fertility will be like in the future. It is easy to say, I will get pregnant again when I am_______. But you may not necessarily be able too. You can look at a lot of the questions on this website and many of them are about women trying to conceive a second or third time and having troubles.

It also sounds like you have a great guy. As you and he mature, hopefully you will grow together so you won't become a single mom. Part of that will be up to you and how you work on your marriage,

With that said, if you choose right now that number two would be too much, please consider adoption. I am adopted. I am forever grateful that my biological mother looked past her own discomfort and gave birth to me even though she already had five other children and was getting a divorce. The stresses of her life must have been great. But she saw the pregancy though, gave my mother and father the best gift and me the chance to blossom under the care of people ready to have a child.

Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

My first two are 14 months apart- neither one was planned. It scared the heck out of me! Yes, it is hard, but one is hard too! I think the first couple of months were the toughest- handling two babies when they are both crying can be frustrating to say the least!
I seem to have my babies in pairs- the next one didn't come until 2&1/2 years later(we had been trying for that one)and then 18 months later, his brother showed up. 4 years after that we had another(unplanned) and she is now 8 months old and we are expecting in Feb!
They are great kids and get along very well (for the most part!).
Personally, I think it is easier when they are closer together because they can entertain each other and have similar interests with their age where the 10 year old and the 4 year old don't have much in common.
As to your marriage- get some counseling. One thing that really helped our marriage was when baby #2 was about six months, I had to get a part time job because of our finances. It was 2 days a week on my husband's days off because we could not afford childcare for two children- so he had to watch them all day. It really gave him a chance to see what I do all day and me a chance to see how it is to be away from family all day(it was nice for a while, but I missed my babies!)
For me, although the timing may not have been what I would have chosen- having my kids close together(and having 6) has been wonderful & sometimes stressful- I wouldn't change any of it. If I worried about something going wrong with my marriage & my husband leaving me with 6 kids -it would drive me nuts! We have our difficulties, but we do work them out. Continue working on your marriage- it is never a once and done type thing. Even if you never have anymore children, you will always have to work on your marriage or it will fall apart. It's just part of life.
God Bless- I really think this baby will be more of a blessing than a burden to you!
~C.

2 moms found this helpful

Congratulations on your second gift from God.

2 moms found this helpful

I also agree that you may want to consider an adoption plan if this is more than you can imagine handling. These days, adoptions can be open where you pick the family and can opt to be in the child's life if you choose. You can at least talk to an adoption agency about the options. I'm an adoptive mom and my son is the biggest miracle we could have imagined. Your child would be the biggest miracle to a waiting couple. Good luck in any decision that you make.

2 moms found this helpful

Congrats on the new addition:) I think that God does not give you a cross that He knows you cannot carry. I am twice your age (I'll be 42 in a few months and I'm old enough to be your mother) and I have two little ones. If I can do it, so can you:) By the time you reach my age, your kids will be adults and believe me, 42 is not old, I still feel like a kid:) In fact, I have a friend who is 52 and is going to college to become a doctor. You are young, so you are paying your mommy dues early, that's all. Marriage isn't always easy, you have to work at it. Believe me, once that baby arrives, you will find a way to make it all work if you really want to. Just have a little faith in yourself.

M.

2 moms found this helpful

I can not tell you what to do, but did want you to realize, by the time the next baby is born your toddler will be very close to 3 and probably potty trained; so BIG difference. (((HUGS)))) and best of luck!

2 moms found this helpful

i didnt plan my second child either (or my first one at 19). i didnt want to have another baby at all, EVER. i was going back to school to be a nurse, i was making good money in my current job and my husband was the stay aat home dad i wanted him to be. now i sit here with less than six weeks to go, and i couldnt be happier! everything wil work itself out one way or another. wait till you have your first ultra sound done wait till you hear the heart beat, everything changes! i still have my worries, but i know everything will be ok. if you find yourself in the place were u just dont want the baby after all, please consider adoption. my aunt cant have kids and has adopted 5 kids. please dont think of the baby as something disposable. best of luck

2 moms found this helpful

I am not sure what you should do, only you know whats best for your family. Here are a couple things to consider when making your decision:
*Can you and your husband work through not having this child?
*If you can not work things out, are you prepared with being a single mom?
*If you don't have this child, and try to conceive in your 30's but can't, will you be satisfied with that, or will you feel a sense of regret?
*If you were to get pregnant 1 year from now (unplanned) would it be any different than your pregnancy now? (Would you still feel the same way you're feeling at thsi moment?)
*If your husband helped you a little more, would your feelings be different?
Those are just a few questions I would ask myself to help make my decision. There are a lot of other factors I would think about. I would think about the options of not keeping the child, think about which way you want to go, and how you might feel in the long run about it.
I also would go see a marriage counselor. You both need to be on the same page about this pregnancy before you make the decision. Also, I think it would help in the whole "this is your only job" attitude. I wish you good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

Unlike most of the other posts, I don't believe God sits up in heaven doling out pregnancies that are blessings in disguise. I also don't believe that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle -I just don't believe that's the way it works. I DO believe that sometimes you can get the most pleasure out of something you weren't expecting. However, if you're dreading this pregnancy and you don't think you have the mental and emotional tools right now to handle it, you should do what will be best for you! Since you are married, it would be good to possibly speak to a counselor with your husband and get him set straight on the fact that he DOES need to pull some weight at home. Especially if he wants you to have this child, then he really needs to be prepared to pony up and help do a lot with it. If you think you two can make it together, then go for it, but if you seriously don't think your marriage is going to last, then I don't blame you for not wanting to be a single mother with two children. You are VERY young and while none of us is guaranteed anything, you most likely have plenty of time to have more kids. You may be infertile when you're 30 or not -so may anyone else. Life goes on! Cross that bridge when you come to it and deal with this bridge right now. I believe every child should be a wanted child. It would make this world a far better place.

2 moms found this helpful

Having faith in God makes me want to tell you that every child is a miracle to you from God. I know you're looking at this like it would be hard but, I think that having 2 kids the same age can make things a little easier. My son had just turned 2 when I gave birth to my daughter, I also was a stay at home mom and my husband worked and volunteered on the local fire department, which was a 2nd job in itself. I was 21 when I had my second, and there were tough times but, in the end, having that 2 yr old there was a HUGE help! He would grab me a diaper and the wipes when it was time to change, and if I was nursing her and the phone rang, he would grab it and bring it to me, or if I was trying to take a shower and she was in her bouncer crying, he would go talk to her and calm her down, my fave was in the car, she hated the car, but he would sing to her in the backseat and rub her head. It's amazing what kids can learn to do. Also, this is a choice that only you can make.....think of the future, could you be happy with yourself if you 'got rid' of this child? That answer is different for every woman. I should probably also include the fact that my 1st marriage didn't work out. We are divorced and I am now remarried with a new 10 month old......even tho life didn't work out as I had planned, life did work out.....and I have 3 wonderful children! And the church counseling is a great idea, many pastors will do it for free if you don't have the funds. Sometimes it takes another man to make men realize 'hey bud.....raising a child is a HUGE job, give your wife some respect'! I hope everything works out for you dear.....and if you don't mind, I will send a prayer for you and your family. God bless!

1 mom found this helpful

It looks like you have received some great advice and answers, so I will just keep it simple: sometimes, the greatest joy of your life can come from the most unplanned and difficult situation or person in this case. You're in my thoughts and prayers!

1 mom found this helpful

Wow, it sounds like you are torn. I know you didn't plan this pregnancy, but have you thought about the fact that since you didn't plan it that this baby has a purpose of being here? Maybe that it's possible that this baby is meant to to be here for your daughter, for you guys and for the world?

I know your husband doesn't help and I would encourage you to find the right time (timing is everything) and explain that your job is tough and this it's not always easy to watch over a toddler much less now 2. So that his help will be more important than ever before as a father.

I pray that God will bless and keep you and give you peace. I can't help but to feel excited. I pray that all the skills and wisdom you will need will come to you...look for it - it's there!

Blessings S.!

A.

1 mom found this helpful

We had 2 children that were planned. I love them with all my heart and soul. They are my life. Everything I do, I do for them. We found out that we were pregnant. She is my pride and joy. I really can't imagine my life without her. You really don't know what you can do until you have to do it.

I have to second that if you really don't want the baby, please, please consider adoption. A baby is a life that someone needs whether it be you or someone else. We found out we were pregnant just as we started the adoption process. Please.

Also, my sister had 2 babies without an issue, now she can't have any more and no one can figure out why. Even clomid didn't help her. Weigh all options before making a decision.

1 mom found this helpful

You are very young then throw in a 21 month old baby, a husband, a strained marriage & an unwanted pregnancy. I personally don't believe in abortion but since I have been a young single parent it's really hard not to say "oh everything will work out, you will survive". You do have something very positive that I will reflect on; that you are married & your husband wants this baby. Being so young & thrown into a marriage is very challenging & the best thing you can do for yourself & your daughter & unborn child is to get your marriage built. It would really be great if the two of you could take a marriage class, seek counseling & do some marital workbooks. You both have to want your marriage to work but it won't unless you learn the necessary tools to make things better.

1 mom found this helpful

My sons are 17 1/2 months apart. We had planned the second one for later, but things don't always go as planned. It turned out to be wonderful. The first couple of years were busier than anyone can imagine, and I finally got someone to help clean once a week, which made life easier. But the kids were great. They played together and entertained themselves much of the time after they younger one started walking. The older one was a big help entertaining the younger almost from the beginning. In their late 30's now, they are still very close. Two of my nieces had their children close deliberately because they had seen how well it worked with their cousins.

I had my 1st daughter when i was 18. 14 months later i had had my 2nd daughter. Neither of them were planned. It is hard, but you can do it. I am so glad i had them. They torture each other one minute and love each other the next. They are 13 and 14 now. (i have 2 more girls...6 and 8) Take one day at a time. Everything will be ok. Positive thoughts :)

Keep the baby! I have 3 girls (5 months, 2 years, and 5 years), and I do 98% of everything myself. It is not as difficult as it seems. Also, if the children are close to the same age, they start playing together. Therefore, it doesn't require as much care later. They grow up to be friends! Also, you will adjust to taking care of 2 children. It seems overwhelming now, but it will be okay. If you end up killing the second baby, it will bother you for the rest of your life. Please don't do that to the baby or yourself. If you need help raising 2 kids, ask for help! Find friends that are in the same position (staying home raising a baby) and swap for free babysitting, so you can take days off. Feel free to contact me for advice, or even babysitting help if you live in the Citrus park area of Tampa.

Good luck!
R..

Wow, respect your honesty, but this is a real thinker. I take it you aren't using reliable birth control? Oops! I too am a stay at home mom and I hear ya on not knowing if you can handle two. I had my second one when my son entered preschool which was a huge relief. It is still trying though, getting through this summer with the two of them 24/7 was brutal since we didn't have the money to put him in a camp this year. We will next summer, even if I have to starve..lol..When I sit back and take a long hard look at my life and myself, I really don't regret having another one and I love them both to death. You have to ask yourself if you want another one period, like ever. Especially if your husband's being a jerk about not wanting to help..No way buddy, if you want another one, you are going to help. My husband helps when he really knows I'm gonna blow and he needs to do the same...Being a stay at home mom can be mind numbing if you don't have friends to talk about other things besides babies with...ugh! I'm not the "mommy club" type myself...Anyway, watch the movie "motherhood" starring Uma Thurman...It really put things into perspective for me, leaving me feeling that it all is really worth it...What else is there to fill our souls as we grow old even if it is absolutely exhausting in every way...Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, but really really think about it...Plus, if you do want a second one eventually, what if this is your last chance, but I'm sure that thought has already gone through your mind...I feel for ya, ya have a big decision to make...:)

Dear S., Like the other mom said, no one else can make this important choice for you, maybe just help provide you some thoughts. So here are mine:

1. I believe that whatever G-d you believe in never gives you more than you can handle.

2. There is a wise saying in a foreign language I will try to translate: 'Deal with any problem in its own time' If you want your baby, don't worry now if things will not work out with your husband. Work on yourself and your choices.

3. Meditate or pray to help your inner wisdom guide you.

Best of Luck and Keep us Posted.

Jilly

That is actually great spacing between the kids! My kids are 2 1/2 years apart almost to the day and my first is a daughter and second is a son. They ADORE each other, and my daughter has been a huge help! I was shocked! I honestly think, after the first couple months, that having 2 has been easier than just having one, because they really do love and entertain each other. Watching them laugh and hug is priceless! I'd say go for it! Oh, and my husband is in the military and away a lot, and when he is home, I still do 99% of everything at home. It can be done!
If you really don't feel able to handle it, please consider adoption rather than termination...

I realize that it might be hormones and you might be stressing about this too much, thinking about all the things that "might" happen. Yes, those things might happen, or might never happen.My husband and his ex-wife had their first son when she was 23 and he was 26...then son #2 was a surprise that came 13 months later! They got through it just fine. They did end up divorcing when the kids were 4 and 5 unfortunately, but not because of the unplanned surprise pregnancy - it was because of other issues. Their mom has managed just fine.

If your husband wants to keep this baby and you are worried about what it will do to your marriage, then what do you think having an abortion or giving the baby up for adoption will do? This is one of those times where you either stay strong for the sake of your marriage and children, or choose to give up and crumble.

I would also recommend that you have a talk with hubby and explain to him that you still need and appreciate his help when he is available - he might have his job outside the house but at the end of the day, he gets to leave it behind. Your job is there 24/7 and he needs to be willing to pitch in here and there. Marriage counseling may help.

my 2 kids are exactly 2yrs apart in age. It's perfect.!! By the time i had #2, my older one was old enough to do certain things by herself. she was potty trained within 6mos of #2 being born, so i didn't have to worry about that anymore.

I, like you, do a lot of things on my own. my husband works nights and sleeps during the day. So things were left up to me. And while sometimes you might feel like you want to pull your hair out and things get frustrating and you feel like you can't do it, you definitely can. I honestly would never have waited 10 yrs or more to have a 2nd. it's like having a whole new family and I would rather do everything close together, and get it over with.

I mean, you have your little girl who will (10yrs from now) will have been the only child, with all of your attention, and then comes #2. you will have to not do certain things that you have been able to, etc. But if you have them close together, as they get older, they will be able to do things together, and you won't have to forego doing things when your daughter is older because now you have a little baby again.

But that's just my opinion. I tried to have mine close together, and if it weren't for my husband, i would have tried to have them even closer than they are!! I love it.