What Is a Good Resource (i.e. Book) to Help a Little One Understand Cancer?

I'm involved with 2 groups (mine is with children) but you can get a lot of good advice and insight, and people who truly understand all you are going through. One is PAC2 (parents/people against childhood cancer) www.pac2.com, and the other is www.pac2NW.com (for the NW area). I know these are both children sites, but you'll be amazed how many adults also belong, that have so much knowledge. You can just "google" it, if that's easier. They can also lead you to other sites for information and emotional support.
I also get many updates daily from Carepages and Caringbridge. These parents really know their stuff because most have a child with cancer, who also have siblings, so they have to deal with that aspect of the disease also. Hope this helps.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom as your cancer journey begins again. It is an especailly challenging time when grandchildren are involved. My father was diagnosed with cancer when my youngest daughter was the same age as yours. It was difficult for her as she was too young to really understand what was going on. When my father passes away my daughter was convinced it was because he quit eating macaroni and cheese with her. (Bless these simple little minds :) I would caution you to keep your explainations to her simple but honest including the discussion that your mom has cancer. Don't over simplicate it though. My sister chose to tell her daughters only that Papa was just sick - nothing more. However, after he passed the girls were terrified that if they, or mom & dad got sick they too would go to heaven. The American Cancer Society is a treasure of information. You can lon onto their website at www.cancer.org and get a wealth of info - listings of books for kids (age specific), children support groups, Caregiver support, etc. If you have trouble finding what you need there you can call their 1-800 number and they staff that 24/7, 365 days of the year. The number is 1-800-ACS-2345. The operators there are fabulous!! I wish you and your mom God's healing and comfort through treatment. You will be in my prayers!

I'm SO sorry to hear that your mom's cancer has returned. I think Marda has great advice about telling your daughter just enough so she knows what's going on at the moment. It's too daunting (and confusing) for her to hear that grandma is dying when you really don't know how much time you have left with your mom. You might want to talk to a counselor to see what advice they have.

I haven't been in your situation so I can't help with a book to buy. However, I do have an idea for a book to make. Why don't you take this time to create a memory book with your mom & daughter. You might learn things about your mom that you never knew, too. Here is a great webpage to get you started with questions to ask:
http://www.genealogy.com/95_carmack.html

Your mom can make this book just for your daughter, putting info in there about her life as a girl, falling in love, getting married, starting a family, school, work, etc. She can have your daughter help decorate it and they can fill it with photos from her past, your past and her with you two (or just your daughter) now. Your daughter will have the memories of making this book with grandma and she'll be able to look at it over and over when she is older and learn about who her grandmother really was.

There are some books out there that make it easy for your mom to fill out. I bought them for our daughter's grandma's a few years ago but I don't remember the name of it. Here's one on Amazon and there are many others:
http://www.amazon.com/Memories-My-Grandchild-Annie-Decker...

I hope this helps make a difficult time a little easier. Take the time to create memories and enjoy every little bit of time you have left with your mom.

Greetings,
I am very sorry to hear about the struggles your family is going through. I am a elementary school counselor and have many resources you could look at. Below are some recommended books for little ones
1. In Mommy's Garden - A book to help explain cancer to young children by Neyal J. Ammary (It uses a garden scene to explain what cancer is)
2.Kids Talk - Kids Speak out About breast Cancer by Laura Numeroff and Wendy Harpham (kids write about different topics concerning cancer - can I catch it? - how my family found out - emotions - and such)
3. Are you Tired Again?... I Understand by Marilyn Deutsch ( a activities workbook to help children understand and live with a person who had a chronic illness)
4. When someone is very sick by J. Boulden
5. When someon has a very serious illness by M. Heegaard
6. My family is living with cancer by B. Smith
7. The paper chain by C. Blake

Someone also already suggested the american cancer society. they do have a wealth of info and suggestions too.

I hope this helps. Many prayers and blessings to your family during this time.

Hi T.,

My heart goes out to you and your family. No matter what the end result is, cancer is a difficult road for everyone.

Children are very good at asking questions about what they are ready to know. When we give them just little bits that directly answer their questions, they are usually better able to process the information. Sometimes, they'll ask several times because they forget what we've told them. And when they are ready, they move onto the next step.

They also live--fully, brightly--in the present. Focus on 'the future' is difficult. Many young chilren have a hard time with the concepts of 'tomorrow' and 'yesterday'.

That said, if it were me, I would just explain that Grandma doesn't feel good. Let your daughter know that Grandma loves her and have whatever sort of visits that your mom is up to, when you can. You can let your mother tell your daughter "oh, Me-Ma's tired". Long explanations and words don't usually help, but only confuse. Let the reasons and explanations to your daughter be short and sweet.

Much like the arrival of a new sibling, the passing of a familiar person isn't something very young children can understand in theory. So often, that expectant mother needs to have that baby in her arms before the child really comprehends that there's a new baby...because it's in the house, here and now. So it is with death. No matter what your faith or personal beliefs, what will be important to your daughter is to know that Grandma loves her very, very much, and nothing changes that.

Take photos, capture moments for your daughter in a journal and give her a framed picture of her grandmother to keep around. Let her talk about it as she needs to as she grows. Her experience of sadness and loss may come later in life, more fully. I know a dear little girl who never met her grandmother, but because her life is full of great stories about her Omi, will still occasionally tear up in sadness because "Omi's dead". We never know how children will amaze us...

I think that at 2 1/2 she won't be able to understand and that telling her now that Me-Ma is going to die would confuse and worry her.

I suggest that as your mother's cancer causes her to be ill that you tell your daughter that Me-Ma is sick just as you would if Me-Ma had the flu. If your daughter asks questions answer them as simply as possible. I could anticipate her asking why doesn't she get well? My answer might be because her lungs don't heal. She has a lung sickness. YOu could say cancer if she's hearing that word in relation to your mother. But she doesn't need to know that she's dying.

My granddaughter and I are also close. Several years ago I had a rare form of cancer that is unlikely to return. After one of my check ups I mentioned to my daughter that they saw a small spot and would be watching it They also said that it was most likely scar tissue. Later, they told me it had not grown and they were not concerned. Somehow my daughter kept thinking I once more had cancer. She told my 7 yo granddaughter that I had cancer and would die. She worried about my dying, kept asking me when I would die, etc. She acted angry with me. And then sometimes, too clingy. Finally she told me what her mother had told her. I immediately told them both that I was cancer free and highly unlikely to ever have cancer again because of the kind of cancer I had.

My granddaughter, since she was around 3, has been concerned about my being old and would I die? I talked with my therapist who said it was important for me to reassure my granddaughter that I would always be with her. As she got older we did talk about how old people do die and what that meant. I've told her that even tho I will die someday I will still always be with her in spirit. At 8 she is still confused about death and cancer. Her perception of time is still limited.

Your daughter is much younger than 8. I recommend that you tell her Me-Ma is sick when the cancer gets to the stage that she's unable to do the usual things with your daughter. I wouldn't mention dying at this early stage. As your mother becomes more ill you could talk about death in an abstract way. i.e. not as related to Me-Ma. When Me-Ma becomes very ill and near death is the time to talk with your daughter about Me-Ma dying and what that means.

Give information a little at a time as your daughter asks questions. Make your answers simple and appropriate to her ability to understand. I could understand that because of your own pain you feel it necessary to include your daughter in this process. Your daughter will pick up on your feelings. Be honest with her about how you feel. Just don't go into very much detail.

I just remembered that I had my cancer surgery when my granddaughter was near the age of your daughter. We told her I was going to have surgery, that I would be limited in what I could do afterwards. I wouldn't be able to pick her up. etc. She never asked why I was having surgery. She just accepted what we told her. She visited me in the hospital before and after surgery. At this age children understand very little about time and illness. Just saying one is sick satisfies them.

I empathize with you. The thought of losing a parent is very painful. Their is one advantage of knowing in advance that one's mother is ill and dying has a positive side. My mother and I talked about her death, how we both felt about it, shared thoughts, memories.
We grieved together, cried together, laughed together. We both believed in God and Heaven. My description of each is radically different than hers. Knowing she would be in Heaven was and still is comforting. I still feel her presence.

I sometimes talk to her.
If you believe in God I pray that His peace will be with you.

After reading other posts, I agree that it would be best to say Me-Ma has cancer rather than she is sick.

What a difficult thing to have to go through...my heart goes out to you. As some others had mentioned, I would not necessarily hide anything but only explain what you need to as needed due to Grandma's physical limitations or questions that might be asked...those precious dears are also very perceptive. Two and three year olds do not have a very good concept of time and take things very literally. If your daughter is anything like my 3 yr old daughter, then if you tell her something will happen in a week or a year, she will ask every day if it's happening yet. :) I also wish you and your family many fun days ahead (way more than any doctor predicts!!!). And when the time does come to explain why Grandma is not with you anymore, I would recommend a book called 'The Fall of Freddie the Leaf'. I'm sorry I don't know who the author is. My parents got that book for my sisters and I when we were little and my grandpa was taken from our lives way too soon from colon cancer. I still remember that it played a significant role in helping us cope.

This journey you, your Mom and your daughter are on doesn't have a road map or a tour guide. It's each day on it's own, living it to the fullest. Even days when your Mom is really having a bad day is a good day for your daughter to see and to appreciate that Ma-Ma isn't feeling very well. My youngest son was 3.5 when my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Earlier that year,just before he turned 3, my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. He saw them at their worse, celebrated the victories, helped care for them and played with them. I also have 2 older kids, and at that time they were 6 and 8. They saw me cry, sometimes a lot of tears. My Mom is now a 15 year survivor of her cancer, but unfortunately my Dad lost his battle 9 months after his diagnosis. The kids played with Poppa, rode his electric bed with him. He read them books, squirted them with squirt guns as they came up the stairs into the living room (where we had his bed). As things were progressing, we planned a trip to Disneyland that summer, so they would have something else to talk about when they returned to school that fall. The hospice folks told us that things were getting worse, but a break would be good. The night before we left I had a talk with my Dad, I brought the kids down with me. He was getting sleepier with the progression. I explained where we were going and that I could be home in 3 hours, if he needed me home, to call. He drifted in and out. When we went to leave, each child went up to him and kissed him goodbye, the youngest told him "Bye bye Poppa, I'll see you in Heaven." I told him goodbye, and if he thought he needed to leave before I got home, okay, I'll see you later have a safe trip. He smiled like only he could and he told me he'd see me later. The last night we were in Disneyland my Dad passed away. We told the kids, the fireworks were going off over the park and they all got on the beds jumping up and down yelling, "Yeah!!! Poppa's in heaven, he doesn't hurt anymore!!! Yeah!!" The understood so much. They miss him, his stories, his hugs, his kisses, his laughter... the whole being of who he was and is, to this day as young adults. But they were fully capable of understanding his disease, his living life to the fullest, and why he died because we never excluded them from it. I have a nephew who is the same age as my youngest. He wasn't a part of the 'process', his parents shielded him from the day to day stuff, so he couldn't comprehend the why or how. 8 years later I was diagnosed with a meningioma, an atypical brain tumor. We were all scared, but we rely upon one another for support and humor. Life is good and every day is a good day. Just be honest with your daughter. Answer her questions without long explanations (like this response is very long). I did get the Maria Shriver book about Heaven and dying. It's an awesome book. I strongly suggest it. I wish your Mom well. I also suggest going to the Lance Armstrong Foundation's website and ordering 2 copies of the survivor's manual. They're free, put you do pay for postage. There's lots of information on a variety of issues. They also have publications (for free) on how to help families of all ages survive this disease, and survival is living each day to the fullest on your terms.
www.laf.org. Do keep in touch and my prayers are with you and yours.

Our family just went through this. My mother passed away Thanksgiving Day 2007. My daughter is now 5 years old.
My advice is to start talking about cancer/death now. Don't use the word "sick" because your daughter gets sick too and you don't want to think she might die. I know your mom might not die, but it would be better for your daughter to be prepared.
Also, because this is what I believe, I told her (repeatedly) that if Grandma died, she would go to Heavenly Father (God) and then when we died (a long time away) we would get to see her again. But until we see her again, it is OK to be sad and miss her alot. Decide what you want to tell her and talk about it repeatedly. But not more detail than my example above.
Children will continue to more throughout their lives as their knowledge and conceptions regarding death advance/mature.
I didn't use any books with my daughter, but, we talked to Grandma about what was growing in her body and where it was. I truly believe that by talking about everything it was much easier for my daughter to process when the time came. (About 6 months ago, I came across a book I would have liked to use... "Tear Soup" BY Pat Schwiebert & Chuck DeKlyen)
When my mother did die, my husband sent me to the movies with my sisters and cleaned her room... stripped the bed, empty the trash... The next morning I went in there to have a good cry and my daughter came in. The first thing when she saw the empty bed was "OH! Grandma went to Heavenly Father and so did her blanket!" :) Then my sweet 3 year old daughter proceeded to confort ME because she knew exactly what was going on.

My heart goes out to you and you will be in my prayers. Whatever you choose to do...Talk about it alot. Don't let anything that happens to her be a surprise.

First and most importantly I want to say that I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. My advice for your daughter, would be to not discuss Me-Ma going to heaven at this point, that would be too confusing. At her age just keep it really simple and follow her lead. You don't really need to sit down and have a talk with her, but when things come up and she has questions then you can give her as much information as she needs, which is usually a lot less than we think. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

My heart is with you. You have some great advices here. I agree, don't tell her too much, just enough. Meanwhile make sure you have lots of videos of me-ma singing, reading, talking to your little one. That will help with the grieve later. Good luck!

Dear T.,

If I understand your letter your daughter is two years old. When I read your question as to what to tell her the words of Dr. Phil rang loud and clear in my mind. The words of Dr. Phils are that we should never but NEVER expose our children to adult situations nor shoulder them with adult problems or decisions. I don't see anything that could be gained by trying to explain to your daughter that her grandmother will soon be gone. How in the world would a two year old process that sort of information? What purpose would be served by asking her to try to process something like that? If I were you I wouldn't say anything to her or act any differently when your mother is around than usual. She is going to pick up on your energy and the energy of those around her. You wouldn't be 'lying' to your daughter by not saying anything to her, you would simply be considering her age and her emotional well being. When the time comes you'll need to explain of course but I really don't see any benefit for anyone to try to explain what is going to happen in the distant future to her now. Remember a year to a younger person is like an eternity...just let her enjoy the time she has left without burdening her with any confusion.

That's my opinion.

In closing I just want to say that I most certainly will include your mother in my prayers and truly hope that she won't allow the doctors to decide how soon she will pass on. I personally have known too many people with cancer who have outlived their doctors estimates of when they would at last fully succumb to their disease. Some have lived beyond the doctors estimate by several years and one still lives absolutely defying the odds of his survival. All of these brave people I have known who have successfully survived cancer far beyond the doctors expectation have one very important thing in common...they didn't waste any of their time waiting to die but spent all of it living to the fullest and of course investigating other treatments than what their doctors prescribed. The doctor can only offer their opinion of what is going to happen but because he is human and fallible his word is not always, or even sometimes, going to be gospel. I sincerely hope your mother looks into connecting with organziations that are more interested in living with cancer than dying because of it. All in all I pray your mom can spend what time she has left living and not focusing on dying.

Blessings,
C.

I am so sorry. We are currenly going through a siilar situation. My father passed away from cancer last month and it is hard for my 3 1/2 year old to understand. What was the most helpful to me in getting ideas on how to talk with her was talking to the people at Hospice. I would recommend calling your local hospice agency even if your mother is not currently recieving hospice services. The one here in our area is Providence Hospice. I think that they cover King and Snohomish counties. They have programs for children, but as my daughter was so young I really just talked a lot with the person from the program (it is called Safe Crossings) about how to talk to my daughter myself.
I think it is really inportant to label the sickness as cancer. Just saying "sick" can be scary for a little one down the road. Everyone gets sick, but we don't all die from it.
Be aware that your daughter may think that she can make your mother better or worse by her behavior. Many people talked to us about "preparing" our daughter, but I found that telling her just what she needed to know and trying to answer her questions as she asked them has been the best. We didn't even explain to her what death was (she hadn't ever heard the word before and had no previous experience with it) until a week before my father died. We told her when we knew that either death was imminate and/or we knew that he would be too sick for her to see him anymore. Some days she asks a lot of questios and I can tell that she is trying to sort it all out in her brain. Sometimes she cries because she misses him and sometimes she pretends that he is still here. The woman I talked to at hospice said that it was important to know that children can only grieve for what they understand at the developmental stage that they are at and that they will probably re-grieve when they reach a new developmental stage and are able to understand more. My daughtr asked me if heaven was far away and if we could drive there?
I haven't read any books to my daughter, but I did check some books out from the library about death so that I would have words to use to talk with her about it. The book I liked the best was called, "Nana upstaris, Nana Downstaris" by Tomie dePaula. It is not a book about dying so much as a book about a little boy whose grandmother dies. It is based on the experience he had as a 4 year old child when his grandmother passed away. I am planning on reading it to her whenn I can do it without crying.
Just know that doctors are often wrong about time left. They gave my father 6 months and he lived 18. I thought he would die when she was 2 years old and not able to understand anything and ended up dying when she was 3 1/2 and understands more, but also has the ability to remember him.
If you tell her too much too soon, she may be in an entirely differnt place in her development if you are unfortunate enough to loose your mother.
This is a hard thing for evenryone, I pray that your mother gets better and you have her for many years to come.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. My grandma just passed the day after christmas and she two had cancer in the past and then it came back! Well we tried to explain to my daughter who is 2 that nana was sick, but she only new that she had to be gentel and that nana was sick. We were all there with my grandma when she passed and kyli was the last to say goodbye. She kissed her on the head and said "bye bye nana, i love you" to this day she see's pictures of nana and she asks "where did nana go" i tell her she is in heaven with the angels and she says oh okay.
But i truly don't think that they are old enough to understand that they are gone and not coming back.
Just try and spend as much time together and get as many pictures as you can... Because it will be something for her to cherish when she is older!
Good luck and god bless you
cori