What Happened to My Sweet 2 1/2 Year Old???

Hey C.!

Here is a tip about twos and threes that will work for you. Try telling her what to do instead of what to stop doing. It sounds easy, but it can be hard, and you will have to train yourself. She is not at a stage in her intelectual development where she can hear what you tell her to stop doing, process it, and turn it into what she needs to do in stead. That is way too many steps for a toddler, and adds to her frustration that she can't please you.

Instead of "don't push" say "put your hands in your lap" or "clap" or what ever you can think of that she should do isntead. She has the "do" down, and if she can comply and show you that she has done what you asked, then you praise her. Success breeds success.

M.

As they say, negative attention (yelling, scolding ect.) seems still so much better for a child than no attention.
Try to spend some quality time just with her, and make it a point that it is just you and her, maybe during the baby's naptime.
Instead of telling her "no" all the time, give it a positive swing, and keep her busy by giving her jobs.
Remember it is quite normal that she feels like that, especially with the baby getting into her stuff. Can you move some of her special things to a spot where the baby can't get into it?
My pediatrician told us to expect that kind of behavior. She compared it to my husband bringing home another wife, and guess what, I wouldn't like that either.
There are some good sibling books (for your daughter) around that you should read to her. They deal exactly with these issues. If you visit your local library, they will be able to help.

Good luck, and I am sure that in time she will appreciate her little sibling.

H.

From reading your message, it seems like the Time Outs just aren't working and aren't an effective disciplinary tactic for her. I can't give you recommendations on what is because I don't know your daughter, but we've found them to be completely ineffective in our house with a recently-turned-2 year old and an almost-4 year-old older brother.

He's getting to the point he understands the concept, but our daughter just doesn't comprehend the cause and effect of poor behavior and sitting on a step or in a corner.

If she were my child, I'd probably take the following approach:
Give her something to look forward to each day - spending one-on-one time with you or Daddy, a special treat (watching a show, going to the park, a snack, whatever motivates her), and explain that if she's good all day and acts like she should, she'll get her treat. If she doesn't, she loses her treat for the day.

We all know as adults that we'd rather be told what we're doing well vs. what we're not doing so well - there are all kinds of books regarding corporate management and reinforcing good behavior. But, as adults we've had a lifetime of learning right vs. wrong.

That being said, we've started really trying to focus more of our energies on telling our kids how well they're doing things (praising when they use nice manners such as "may I please be excused?", "may I please have a sip of your drink?", etc) and not being as imbalanced with only negative attention. It takes a lot of effort and attention to your own actions and behaviors.

I'd also get her as involved as possible in what her sister is doing. Our kids are 21 months apart, and we had our son help with diaper changes, helping to encourage his sister use a walker, crawl, etc. He'd help pick out her clothes and his.

I'd also perhaps recommend giving her some responsibilities - minor ones like picking out what clothes she wants to wear (from 3 different options), picking her shoes, helping make her bed, etc. And, really commend her.

My kids are certainly not perfect (nor are we as parents). We have many moments of sheer frustration, but these are just a few pearls of wisdom we've picked-up recently that seem to be helping.

Good luck!

You are right...this is a phase. I had the same exact stuff going on in my own home when my lovely, sweet, good-natured 2-year old got a newborn baby sister. My toddler was fine until three weeks into being a big sister she informed me that she wanted me to take the baby back to the hospital where she belongs because she doesn't like her. I cried and couldn't believe that she said this. Then.....Temper Tantrum Tootie started. At the rip old age of 15 months, the tantrums and acting up began. From acting out to constantly starting something when I would just sit down with the new baby. It was a consistent escalation. The good news is that I am a Child Development & Psychology Specialist by degree. I saw it coming so I had to use tactics to control it. I started by reminding my 2 year old each morning that we have "rules". Simple rules. No screaming or whining, no hitting, pushing or hurting, NO TANTRUMS, and no ugly or hurtful words are allowed. We make good choices and we get rewards. We make bad choices and we get punished. Once I gave the reminder each day, I had to be consistent to watch her and follow the plan. Even if it meant putting the baby down to tend to a bad choice immediately when it happened. I did use time-out and I made it a "confined" time-out. I bought a gate and the area of choice was a small, closed-in area that she would be place in each time we had a problem. She can scream, cry and have a fit but she wasn't getting my attention or coming out until the timer went off, she was quiet, and an apology was given. If she carried on or refused the apology, she got another minute in the think-tank. I would also praise her and reward her for being helpful, peaceful, and calm. She LOVED stickers so I bought a ton of them and a special sticker book that was only for her. I made a huge deal out of it and told her that babies can't have sticker books, only big girls. She loved this. She would actually start telling the baby that she has this book and maybe someday when she was big, she would have one! If a tantrum ever escalated beyond control, I would put the baby down in a safe place and literally take my toddler and hold her tightly until she exhausted herself and then she got placed in confined time-out. Kind of like a police take-down. They have to know that you are in control and that flailing about wildly is not going to happen. You are not being rough, but you are being firm and gaining the upper hand. I must warn you that once tantrums start, they are hard to break and it is a cycle that toddlers love to employ. CONSISTENCY is the key. Have rules, go over them often, watch her like a hawk, and either praise or punish immediately when you see behavior. Your 9 month old will see this and pick up on all of it like she is taking notes! Mine did and I think I had about three tantrums to my older daughters 433 to ever deal with from her! When you start the rules and the "confined" time-outs, be very clear of what you are doing. If she hits, you immediately drop what you're doing, go to her and say...We do NOT hit. No hitting. You broke my rules and now you have time-out for 2 1/2 minutes. Put her in confinement, st the timer near her and ignore the fanfare. When the timer beeps, go to her if she is calm and quiet and say...."We do nit hit. No hitting. I need an apology. Let her say "sorry" and then tell her you love her, hug her, and take her out of time-out. If she escalates or refuses the apology, tell her she gets one more minute of time-out until she is ready to listen and behave. Repeat this as often as it takes until a calm, quiet, and apologetic child is present. Then she can come out. It is exhausting....I know. This is hard work but if you don't do this now, you will live to regret it later. Your 9 month old is taking notes and your oldest leads by example. Dig deep, be consistent, and take control. Tantrums are basically a way for a young child to say "Help me stop because I cannot stop myself at this time." If you look at it from this angle, it might make it a tiny bit easier. I hope I have helped you. Hang in there and get 'er done!

Great question, and I know what you're going through!!! We brought our new baby home when our oldest was 22 months old.

We did (and still do) use time-outs. But our oldest seems to really want attention sometimes, so here's what we did to help him and give him attention: we asked him to help us. When it was time to change the baby, our oldest's job was to get the diaper (which was lying right next to me) and give it to me when I asked. When he did, I praised him so much, and I talked to the youngest about what a good, helpful big brother he has. I would also ask him to tickle his brother, help me get his brother dressed, hold the bottle, etc. He felt really helpful, and every time he did something right, I would praise him.

Oldest would also show youngest how to do things. "Little man, can you show your brother how you put your toys away? He doesn't know how to yet. Can you show him?" Oh, that made him so happy! Then he got to help his little brother put the toys away (which brought on its own set of challenges: they both want to put the same toy away!!!). But this really did work for me and my husband.

It is a phase. It is not a fun phase. But work with the independence, praise her for everything she does right, discipline as needed. I found if I praised or found my son things to do, I needed time-outs much less.

Good luck!

Hi C.,
Your sweet daughter is still there but she has chosen to allow another aspect of her personality shine through. That aspect is the one where she is saying "I'm growing up" and "what I do matters". She is exerting her independence and you will see this type of behavior again when she becomes a teen. That is why it is important for you to deal with it effectively now and set a pattern of parenting that works well for you throughout the years.

Set limits and enforce them with consistency. If you lay on your sister or if you push your friend, I'm going to take away your favorite toy or dessert or tv time etc... (choose what will have the greatest impact on her). Then, expect that she will test you and be ready to follow through with a consequence. Don't feel bad about disciplining. You are actually helping your daughter, your household and others by creating a kid who knows how to control herself.

Because I am passionate about emotional intelligence skills in kids, ask your daughter what she feels about her baby sister or the neighbor whom she pushes. She will need help in getting the words out but be patient and allow her to express. You might be able to solve problems when you are able to find out the emotion that caused them.

Lastly, I always like to suggest that older kids who might be feeling jealous of younger siblings are shown pictures of themselves when they were a baby. So try this with your daughter and let her know how tender she was and how everyone was gentle with her so she could grow up.

Hope this helps

Try the "love and logic" form of discipline...I have a strong-willed 2 1/2-year-old and my mother suggested this class....and it has worked WONDERS! Check it out! Just Google "love and logic" and see if they have any classes near you. If not, get the main book and start working through it yourself...not a hard technique to master (though still keep an eye out for a class too), but I have seen great changes in my son!

I also have an 8-month-old and my son will sit on him or push him or take his toy...not because he is trying to me mean to him, but because he sees other kids do that to him and other younger kids (in kid's church and during our mommy group). Perhaps that is what is happening with your daughter too. They also are learning that things have consequences, but they are not 100% aware that patting and pushing hurts and they also may underestimate their strength. I try hard to make him know how special it is to be a big brother. I ask him to do things for his brother...like grabbing me a diaper or clothes or toys or helping me change the baby...and make a really big deal about him being such a "big boy" and try to make one-on-one time for him when I can give the baby to daddy or put him down for a nap too.

I do think somewhat of the issue is exactly what you said..."it seems she does it just to see what happens"...and at 2, that's their job to test limits and discover consequences and often times (and Love and Logic will tell you this too) the kiddo just wants attention...whether it is negative or positive does not matter to them, so I am trying to be better about picking my arguments and not sweating the small stuff and when I do need to nitpick, I try to do it quickly and effectively and then make a REALLY big deal about him doing the right thing or something else positive! Again, check out Love and Logic...sounds like our kids are LOTS similar and it would probably work well for you too! Let me know if you need more information!

S.

I have a 10 year old, a 4 year old and a 2 year old and have always told people, wait about 5 or 6 years between kids! It is just plain easier for exactly the reason you are experiencing. = )

Needless to say, you are not dealing with anything that unusual. My daughter, like yours, is tougher than the two boys combined, is head-strong and not afraid to get her way physically.

Here are some of the things I have learned that seem to help - A LOT! First, since your 2 1/2 year old is the oldest she will get the shaft a bit, it's just the way it is. And at 2, you deal with the older sibling syndrome and the terrible 2's at the same time. Remember, this whole sharing mommy and daddy is still quite new and until now the baby wasn't totally in the way because she couldn't get around.

So try your best to have your 2 1/2 year old help you as much as possible. They love to feel important. Now we both know that at 2 it isn't always easy to get solid help from, so take that into account. She won't know that she isn't being helpful, she just knows she is helping. Basically, every time you need to do something have her help in some way, maybe get the diapers for you, help you mix dinner ingredients, or have her help you calm the baby down, etc.

I also found that I needed to jog the nap time. In other words, when one is sleeping the other is not. Now a ton of people think I am crazy for this one but I really have found that I get one on one time with both of them. Here is what I did with my two youngest, I would tell the older one that I needed to put the baby down and as soon as I was done we would play. I then followed through with my promise to play when the baby was sleeping. About 1 hour after the first one was down I would put the older one down. I ended up with a solid hour of them both sleeping before the baby got up at which time I could have one on one time with the baby. It worked perfectly and the oldest still felt important.

Hope this helps a bit. Good luck!

Stick her in a playpen for time out. You need to watch them very closely and as soon as she acts out- - tell her" no we don't hit" and then place her in the playpen for 2 mins, ignoring any behavior she has while in there. If she can climb out, stop her and tell her "no, you need to stay in here for 2 min because you hit your sister" and then make her apologize to her sister when she gets out.