What Do I Do About My Frustration and Anger?

J., I am much older than you, and when I had my second child, it was soooo hard. First of all, what you are experiencing is very normal for many of us. And whatever you do, make it a priority to shower your older child with attention (lots and lots and lots of attn). Every hour, sit down with him for at least 10 minutes to play or read. Exhausting, yes, but it will help both of you. When he is throwing a tantrum or being a brat, remember....all negative behavior is a manifestation of a need that is not being met. Say this to yourself over and over and over. Remember this until your kids are adults. Post it on your fridge. It will always apply. Your child is not acting out because he is trying to annoy you, he is just feeling out of control because of this new baby. When I was going through this, I was doing what you are doing. Seeking an answer because I needed help. I read books, looked online, you name it. They all said, sit with your child while they are throwing their tantrum. My oldest threw unreasonably long ones (45 min!) and I would eventually get frustrated and leave (basically shunning him). I eventually felt like that was stupid advice and would just punish him by timeout in his room and not bother sitting with him. I would tell him that I disapproved of his behavior instead of focusing on what he did right (being kind to the baby, playing quietly, being a loving little child, etc.) Well, I praised him too but you need to praise him non stop and let some of the disapproval talks and punishments slide right now (it is okay to not punish sometimes, even when he makes a bad choice). I didn't know it at the time but all I was doing was causing him more and more anxiety. This is when he first developed an anxiety problem in his life (barely 3 yrs old). He is 6 now and he's still an anxious person. It is our job to teach our children how to control their anxiety so give him tips (take deep breaths, bounce up and down, punch his mattress, etc. instead of using unkind words, hitting, etc.). You will sound like a broken record and you need to teach him what he can do for the rest of his childhood! :) This skill isn't quick to develop.

So, I wish I could tell you how to control your feelings. That's the hard part! There's no magical pill. I did go on an antidepressant at that time (for the first time in my life). Looking back, I wish I hadn't. I'm off them now and the transition was miserable. They worked though, I did like that I was more laid back while on them. Unless you are really, really out of control, don't go to meds first. Make it a habit of stopping, closing your mouth and thinking before you do or say anything. You will have to train yourself. It's been years and I'm still working on mastering this. I'm getting better and better though!! When you are anxious and mad, you will make your child anxious and mad. People have that effect on one another, just like your child is having this effect on you. Don't let him get to you. Pretend to be happy and calm, no matter how he acts, and eventually he will start snapping out of it faster and faster. However, we are the adults and it's our responsibility to act like one and figure it out. That is why you are posting! :) J., take it from this more experienced mom, force patience with your little one. Even when he does something infuriating!! Don't yell at him or send him to his room or it will only make him act out more. All of his behavior is due to anxiety!!!! Remember that! When you want to ring his neck, just put yourself in a time out and think, think, think before you react. You are going to mess up plenty (I still do). It will take lots of practice. Don't beat yourself up. Just tell him you are sorry and that raising your voice is never okay (or whatever). The way I handled my son many times, only made him more anxious. I just didn't know it at the time. It is so clear and obvious now (3 and a half yrs later) and the damage has been done. One thing you need to do for yourself is to get out of the house!!! The baby is a month old now, strap him/her into a carrier and go places for your son (park, the mall, bounce house places). Boredom is a huge reason for children acting out (and for mother's acting out). Get out of the house every single day (even if it seems overwhelming). Meet some mothers with children the same age. Having someone to chat with is like a therapy session. It reminds you that you are not alone. Lastly, this is so cliché but it REALLY is as effective as they say it is. Exercise! You and your two year old both need exercise (it has a very calming effect). Bundle the baby up, put her in a stroller (or wear the baby) and go for a walk. Every single day. Make it your priority. Sunlight and exercise really work (it has an effect on hormones in your body). I have really started paying attention to my body. If I'm feeling down, anxious or angry, I force myself to get a good work and it's amazing how the bodies own chemicals work like a drug. Just do it. It's all in your control. Mind over matter. Good luck, it gets better but it takes time. Lastly, put a list together of things you should remind yourself and ideas you can use. Put it on your fridge and read it daily!! Seems extreme but it just works. Sorry this is so long, this is a topic near and dear to me. Those were tough times and I just want to try to help. It took me a long time to learn all of this.

Good for you to ask for help when you need it. I would definately talk to my doctor about it because it could be post partum depression; that is common but we don't have to suffer. I understand what you're going through. My son had just turned 3 when my youngest was born.
Also, try to find things that make your oldest feel special. Try to develop a routine so your son can know what to expect. Right now his world has really been rocked and everything seems unstable to him. So, a normal routine where he knows what's coming can help. (We would watch Jack's Big Music Show or Martha Speaks at the same time each morning, eat breakfast at the same time, when the baby goes for a nap then I read a book or played with him, etc). Talk to him about how he's the big boy, and give him "big boy choices" like "Do you want yogurt or cereal this morning?" (Give him 2 choices that you can live with), or "Do you want to wear the orange shirt or the blue shirt?", etc. Things like that are little ways to build his self esteem.
We had a couple routines he could count on like every Tuesday morning we would go to the playground behind the library and play, then to the library for story time. Once able to get up and down off the floor good (since your little one is brand new I don't know how you're feeling yet), I'd sit on the floor with baby on one leg and big boy either between your legs or sitting on the other leg, and give him little squeezes and hugs or pat his back when he does something during storytime like answer a question or sing the song right, or whatever. (Until floor time is comfortable for you, you can still take him and just sit in the chair but make sure you're smiling and looking at him often). We also instituted "date days" where I would stay with the baby and my husband would take my 3 year old out.....like fishing at a little pond or at Bass Pro shop with a little rod and reel; I'd make a fishing picnic of tuna sandwiches, goldfish, gummi worms, apple wedges, and blue (ocean) juice. Then another day daddy would stay with the baby while I took my 3 year old out....we'd go do something special that was just about him, too. And then of course we need family time all as a family.
Getting out of the house and spending some quality time like that can actually help you feel settled, too. And when the baby is sleeping and you need your rest, that is understandable.....but try to incorporate the 2 year old in it. Call him and tell him you're tired but want a cuddle. Read a little kids book to him from the library, or sing a favorite nursery rhyme. If he knows the words good, mess up on purpose to make him laugh and let him "teach" you. Give him little chores to do to help you (like put his dirty clothes in the hamper, or give him a swiffer and let him run around with it)....it's not so much really helping you but giving him something to do, and you can praise him for it and make a big deal out of it. Make sure you call the baby his baby brother, and talk about what a good big brother he is. My son (J) didn't want to even look at the baby (V) until one day, the V just looked over and gave the biggest smile, eyes beaming. That visibly melted J's heart and he had to smile back. I was like "Look at that! He knows you're his big brother! He loves you already!" Another thing that worked for me: change your music. I used to listen to a lot of music that I noticed kinda made me agitated. Because I was already hormonal, I put away Offspring, Rage Against the Machine, and even pop with overly repetitive beats and started listening to things that were more mellow and happy. If mad, I'd put on either praise and worship music, or Andrae Bocelli, and would kinda just calm down. If I was bored or sad, I'd put on some upbeat (even kids music like Laurie Berkner) and sing along with my 3 year old. Suddenly cooking dinner could be fun. I'd give J some playdoh, crayons, or a healthy snack and we would be singing together while I cooked, instead of me fussing at him to get out from under me while I'm at the stove, or putting him in front of the TV and him growing distant. He even got to where he wears a little apron and chef hat sometimes and helps me cook now. I measure things out and he pours them all into the mixing bowl. He stirs or mashes, and then I do it too. He turns the timer to the right number and helps me listen for it. Little things like that are pretty simple.
If it is financially feasible, ask him how he would feel about going to "school" and playing with "friends" a couple days a week (if he seems receptive to this, 2 or 3 days a week help a lot---you can focus on yourself and the baby without feeling like you're ignoring him because he's playing at a Mother's Day Out program, or you can catch up on some things that you can't really get to with both children there all day). If it is not financially feasible, perhaps you could join a playgroup or something for free and at least give him some peers to play with and time out of the house. My children are now 4 and 14 months old, and they actually play together. But that doesn't happen until the baby gets about 1 year old.
I know a lot of this is probably simple and centered on the 2 year old. But in my experience, if the 2 year old isn't happy, nobody's happy (ha). But do make sure you take care of yourself. Get rest when you can! Cuddle your oldest if he'll let ya (don't get hurt if he doesn't want to, 2 year olds don't like laying still long), but rest. Eat healthy, drink (don't forget water!), take vitamins, and talk to the doctor if you're having problems with your emotions still. If he suggests a therapist, listen to him. Join a Bible study or moms group, or mops, a place where the children will be cared for and you can have grown up time with other moms and get some support. Last thing: if you make a mistake and fuss at him, just get down on his level and look him right in the eyes, man up and say "You know what, mommy was wrong. I love you with all my heart. You will always be my love. You will always be my first son. But like you get fussy and mean when you miss your nap, I'm feeling fussy and mean because I'm so tired. I'm sorry." Kids understand that. It's better to admit you're wrong than to "be the parent".

Wow, that's tough. I found one child a challenge and was exhausted and resentful, so no judgement here.

I do urge you to remind yourself that it's not your son's fault and do your best to be patient with him. As the others said, involve him, and find opportunities to praise him for good behavior -- keep saying aloud, "Wow, Baby, you have a helpful big brother" so he feels appreciated. Kids definitely react to your mood -- when I'd have a meltdown from sheer exhaustion, my daughter would act up all day long. So you have to set the pace.

Any chance of getting your fiance to watch the baby for a half hour every afternoon or so so that you can spend some special time with your 2 year old? Go outside and play, make it your special time.

See if someone else can baby sit both kids for two or three hours once a week so you can sleep or just have some time to yourself. You will be bale to cope better knowing you can look forward to this time..

Pick a moment when the baby is fussing but o.k.(fed, changed, burped) to show affection and give attention to your 2yo. You can say "I know the baby is crying and wants my attention now, but I wanted to see if you needed anything".
Pick a time when you feel yourself getting heated and stop and say "Mommy is really tired and frustrated, I think a hug and kiss from you will make me feel all better".
Lie on the couch with your little guy and wrap your arm around him as he watches Sprout and you rest while the baby is sleeping and you can say "I'm glad you're a big boy and we can watch this show together".
Your 2yo will feel like his needs are just as important as the baby's and will also feel a sense of importance when he sees he can do something the baby "can't". These are just examples, but you get my point. When he starts to feel better, you will feel better also because some of the guilt and pressure will be relieved.
It is important for him to be included as some of the other mom's have said, but you don't want to make it about the baby. You want him to have his own individual time with you and for the focus to be on him if that is what he is craving and missing.
It's rough being a young mom of two, but I know you will do fine.

My son was 17 months when my daughter was born and then she had colic. Whew! I agree with everyone else to involve him as much as possible.

Also my son picked out a doll at a garage sale right after the baby was born and took care of his baby like I was taking care of mine.

Any time anyone offers to help let them and have specific things in mind that they can do. If someone can come over for an hour and take care of the baby while you spend time with your son that will be huge.

Get out of the house too. Take them to the library, most have programs for you son's age or roam the mall.

Give yourself a break. Taking care of the kids is enough. Don't worry about housecleaning too much. You will find the routine that works best for all of you. It takes time.

And lastly, I do agree to see a doctor sometimes anger is a symptom of post-partem depression and that should be treated right away.

Give yourself a little time to get into a routine. I just had my second in August, and DS was just over 2 at the time.
I have to remember, consciously, not to be too hard on him. It's hard not to expect him to do certain things. Once you fall into a routine and have the baby on a schedule, it WILL be easier, and you can dedicate more time to your little guy.

Now, I put the baby down for the night, and then make it a point to play with or cuddle with DS for 30-45mins before he goes to bed every night. Just me and him. It's helped a lot. In the meantime, try to remember that he's very little still, so you can't expect that much from him. You also have to just let things go. Sometimes he'll have to scream. Sometimes stuff will get broken, or he'll be into stuff you don't want him to be into. You have to take it more with a grain of salt.

A suggestion, get a sling or baby carrier that you can wear. Stick the baby in there and spend some time with your son. I can't tell you how many times I've made dinner or played with matchbox cars with DD strapped to me. They both win in that scenario.

IT WILL GET BETTER.

Also, take a close look at PPD. You might have it. I personally think what you're feeling and dealing with is normal. I was there myself not so long ago.

Hang in there mom.

Develop a routine or schedule by monitoring which child does what at what time. Write it down and plan accordingly, so you can be somewhat in control of your situation. Play with the 2yr old when newborn is asleep. You are tired and overwhelmed having 2 little ones, so don't blame yourself too much.

Your 2 yr old does need your attention, so purpose to schedule time with him alone or occupy him with something while you take care of the newborn. It will get better, but you have to have a routine mapped out or you will go crazy!

Well for one when the newborn naps you can spend time with the 2 year old. Try to get them to nap at the same time once a day so you can get some rest. Then maybe you will feel a little better. Also try cooking your meats, like pot roast, meat loaf, spaghetti meat, taco meat and freeze it so that through the week all you have to do is make the sides. This will help you save time and then you will have time to spend with your children. Then have the fiance help to clean and do laundry on the weekend.

I wouldn't rule out PPD. It can be pretty overwhelming to have 2 little ones depending on you. A lot of the anger, I think, is there is SO much to do and only 24 hrs a day. You feel you SHOULD be able to do it all, but we're all human and we need to sleep sometime. We all try to be Super Mom at one time or another and the trying really wears us thin. Get a sitter or relative to watch the baby for a few hours and go have some one on one time with your older child. He's still your baby too and he's got to be feeling like chopped liver right about now. Occasionally have the sitter watch them both so you can grab a nap - you need time to re-charge yourself. You're not the first Mom to feel like this and you won't be the last.

All children are different but I will give you an advice based on my experience. My eldest was 21 mos when the baby was born and I actually have a video of her rejecting her. What I did was included her in everything. Referred to the baby as hers. Not just "your sister" but "your baby". As long as she was included she was fine. Random hugs....random kisses.

Have your fiance help with the baby when he comes home. That way you can give your son undivided attention.

As far as the anger, it happens to most of us. Own it and talk to your child. Make sure that he understands that it is not just what he did. I tell my dd that I am just a regular person and that sometimes mommy's get angry sometimes. Make it your goal for your children to know they are loved regardless of whether you are chastising them or not.

Learn to let things go. As long as the kids are happy and their needs are being met you're good...everything else is a bonus.

One) Throw the guilt out the window...My children claim they do not remember a thing before the age of five or something
2) You do what you have to do as all mother's aged 22, 34, 53 do. That is part of being a mother. Stop beating yourself up. Stop projecting into the future. Two and a half is the age of independence. Not the age of distancing him/herself, just enjoy the moments you can and do what is necessary. The time passes quickly. Really it does and this will be a memory only you have. My Baby is almost your age and if you had told me that when I had both little ones I wouldn't have believed you. I do not believe a two year old is seriously punishing you or reprimanding you for the attention he had before. He is acting out naturally and there is only one thing you can do to stay afloat. Eliminate any extra worries (give yourself a break) and do not do more than absolutely necessary. That means you can live with a can of soup instead of a gourment meal.

I think you've heard it echoed enough, but I must add...YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Most moms with more than 1 have been there. That was me last year when my son was born and my DD was 2 1/2. Luckily she was EASY around that time, but it was still tough. Now it's a bit more challenging for us but only because my Dh is deployed for a year and DS now gets into her things all the time! We are enduring a week of the flu in both kids and just me at home with no help around...so I can certainly relate to the desperation and frustration you're feeling. It will get better. You will get through this. All of you will not only survive, but thrive, and there will come a day, not far down the road, when your son will be the one who can make the baby smile the biggest and laugh the hardest and suddenly his role will be solidified as "big brother". 2 1/2 isn't too young to talk to him and validate his feelings. Explain to him that you know it's hard to share Mommy. Tell him how you love him more than anything and that you are tired and are sorry if you hurt his feelings. Explain that HIS baby can't do much of anything yet except cry and poop, but that soon HIS baby will be able to play with him and learn from him. You'd be amazed at what a 2 1/2 year old can understand. I used to talk to my DD when we were coloring a picture together...it seemed to sink in better. If you're exhausted and baby is napping, coax your son onto your lap to watch his favorite cartoon or movie as you snooze...it will be good for both of you to reconnect.
Soon, you'll be in a groove and responding to others with the same feelings!
Hang in there!
Also...a book..."She's Gonna Blow"...a good read to help with anger and frustration in moms. Also, Screamfree Parenting has a good theory-based book that has a different take on it.
And both books make nice paperweights until you get a minute to actually read them!

talk to your doctor. a low dose of an anti-depressant like prozac helps immensely with overwhelming feelings of anger, impatience, and frustration. I was prescribed a low dose when I expressed these feelings to my doctor and said it was interfering with my ability to enjoy life and treat my two sons with equanimity rather than constant yelling! . After a few weeks I was doing so much better!

You just had a baby,. cut yourself a break. Of course your son is acting out he is no longer your one and only focus. You need to ask for help. Fiance, neighbor, family member to come and watch baby and take your 2 yr old out on a mommy and me date. And although the baby needs your time, when it naps you need to designate some one-on-one time with you little man. It's hard not to be angry or frustrated, but before you respond to your 2 yr olds behavior, take a breath count to 10 and remember he is only acting out because he loves you and misses you, not to annoy you. Take care of yourself.

At any age having a 2.5 yr old and newborn is a challenge. I belive it is very very common to have these feelings as a mom. It is a huge task to take on the care of another child for both your and your son. How much do you let your son help. I have found that the more involved my kids are with the new addition the easier things seem to go. also having time set aside each day for special time with your son is important wether it is durring the day or after your husband gets home. half an hour or so. Hang in there and as always if you ever feel too overwhelmed try and get help but this is common and you might be able to get through it just fine. Once the baby hits around 2-4 mo I have found that things start to get easier and by 8 mo or so (for me at least) life seems to go back to close to normal. congrats on your second addition. And I know it doesn't matter much but I had my second at 22 also and even went on for a third so you'll make it through :)

J.,

You are only human! Anyone in your shoes would be exhausted, and exhaustion causes irritability. The trick is to find ways to take care of yourself.

Are you asking your fiance for help? Find ways he can help you so that you can get some down time and rest, and spend time with your big boy.

For example, if he bathes the baby at night that will give you time to read to your son, cuddle and enjoy each other. Perhaps he can put the baby to bed so that you can get in bed earlier and just relax a little.

Find support. Is there anyone who can spell you during the day? Take help from any family or friend that has the capability to help you. If you can afford it, get help. Even if it is a teenager to play with your son after school for one hour (maybe you could nap with your baby for that hour......or read a book!)

Forget about your house. Let go of what you can. A little dust or a pile of clothes not folded is okay. The perfect Mom does NOT do EVERYTHING with a smile on her face. The perfect Mom does what she can while taking care of herself and her family. Feeling good and connected to your family is more important than spic and span.

If all else fails, at least have a night with your son, and yourself. Ask your fiance to be babysitter two nights a week. A night for you to get out on your own. And another night where you can be with your son....... and that could be playing chutes and ladders! But your son will know it is his special time with Mom.

Hang in There. You are doing fine. It will get better. EVERY mom on this site has lost it with her kids. As you become more rested it will help so much!

:)

I was 22 when I had my second baby and my daughter was only 22 months, so not even two. It was rough for a while...but we just had to find things to do. Babies sleep a lot. When the baby is sleeping, play a game or color or watch a movie with the toddler. If you are nursing, read a book the to older one while the baby is eating. It is overwhelming and tough. But don't get too frustrated that you don't enjoy it. The days go way too fast. My kids are now 7, 5, and 3 and I can't believe it! Do you have family around? Someone that can come take care of the baby while you do something with the older one? Not saying leave the baby, but can hold and rock the baby while you entertain the toddler? Or are there library or park or any kind of play groups you can take the older one to where the baby can be in the stroller? Or you can hold the baby but be there for the older one? I'm trying to think of all of the things I did and a lot of it was just to try to focus on the older ones more because they know the difference. Good luck!

Going from 1 to 2 kids is HARD! I remember thinking WTH? How am I going to get through this. I remember some mornings not even having time to pee until like 11am. It was a shock. It will get better once you get used to it. But, I would talk to your doctor ASAP because you could be having some postpartum depression/anxiety. It took me a long time to admit that I needed help, but I talked to my doctor and we decided medication was the way to go. Everything else was gravy after that! Good luck, hang in there!

So glad you see that what you are experiencing is so frustrating. Keep that word in mine. It is NOT life threatening and you are not a bad person. You are overwhelmed in an overwhelming situation. Your fiance needs to help more at night. Carve out time with your son each and every night as well as the most time you can when the baby sleeps. You also need to take time for yourself. Maybe a relative or friend can come and help you a few days a week. And lastly, get enough sleep. This can make all the difference in being positive and having energy or in feeling depressed and sluggish. See your doc if this gets any worse. It does get better. We are all telling you a sincere truth. God Bless.

Juggling a newborn, a 2-year-old & trying to recover from giving birth yourself is not easy. Even though it probably isn't time for your postpartum appointment yet, maybe you could call your ob-gyn. He/she may be able to refer you to someone (maybe a therapist?) you could talk to about your feelings. I'm sure your hormones are still out of whack too but maybe there is some medication that could help. Get as much sleep as you can (I know that will be hard), if there is someone who could watch one of the children while you spend time with the other, that may help. Anything that you find relaxing could help. Even if your fiance could give you some time alone or 1:1 time with just your 2-year-old, that may help too. Hopefully things will get better and easier as they grow. You are not alone; being a Mom is definitely hard. Best Wishes to you & your family.

Let him be involved so he feels a part of it too. Ask him to get you diapers, paci's, and help him hold the bottle to feed baby etc.

This is who you are and your son see's it and that's why he is distancing himself from you, so you need to change your behavior before he gets really distant from you. Kids are smart, they pick up on things right away.

And, oh, there is no such thing as the terrible two's, kids just react to their environment.

Try not to be stressed because the baby will pick up on it too. But, it is so important for you to involve your son with the new baby or he will end up resenting you AND the baby!

J. please do Not listen to Sweetmamas advice ! If you wait to try meds until you are out of control, it could be to late! You could end up doing something that you will forever regret! There is nothing wrong with getting the help you need. I was the same age as you when I had my second child, so I can relate. My kids are 10 & 12 now- it does get easier :) Hangin there, get help, and make sure you ask your fiance for extra help too! You probably feel like you shouldn't ask him because he is out working all day, but theyre his children too.

It sounds like you may be suffering from depression. Be very careful and see a dr fast. I can understand how you are feeling as I was expecting my 3rd child at that age. Do you have any friends that can come over and visit. You can try to get your son involved like help getting diaper things etc.Your son may be acting out because he can feel your stress. Kids pick up this stuff quickly. I hope things work out for you and things get better quick take care and try to get some alone time

Have your fiancee take care of the baby a few hours on weekends while you spend time alone with your two yr old. Get a babysitter for the little one once a week and take a mommy and me gymnastic class or music class It will go a long way towards easing your guilt to have a scheduled time with your toddler, and the rest of the time know that learning to play by himself is a great thing for your son.
Be kind to yourself.
Read the Happiest Toddler on the Block by H. Karp it will help you and your two year old get along
He cant appreciate it today, but have given your oldest a great gift, a sibling who will grow up with him , share his memories, be there for him when he doesnt want to talk to you, what is more unconditional love than the love from a younger sibling? Dont feel guilty for giving him this gift that he will have for a lifetime! but dont expect him to appreciate it until he is grown!
Remember they grow and change so fast soon you will be looking back on this time and wondering how it went by so fast.