July 29, 2007,
J.H. asks from Deville, LA on July 26, 2007
What Do I Do About a 12 Year Old Who Is Hiding Women's Underwear in His Room?
I just went in my 12 year old's room to pack his clothes for the weekend. I was looking for his PSP that he hid from his older brother to send it him. I found a whole laundry basket full of my underwear and two bras that belong to someone else! They were stuffed beside his bed, up against the wall and the mattress. When I started pulling them out, they were spread out all the way down the mattress, I ended up with a whole basket full. I don't know where he got the two strange bras. He stays at his grandma's house sometimes but I don't think these are hers. I am at a loss for words here. Is this typical boy behavior? I don't want to think about him masturbating, but does anyone think he could be doing that? Is 12-13 the age that boys start experimenting? I don't know anything about boys. I am afraid to tell his Dad because he might start hollering at him, and call him out in front of the whole family. My husband doesn't have a lot of tact. I know he will be embarrased when I tell him, I found my underwear and got it back, so I need some advice on how to handle this. He had a swimsuit of mine, that he knew I'd been looking for last month when we went on vacation. He didn't even give it back then. I'm really worried about him. He hasn't been real honest with us lately, he makes up stories thinking he's smart enough to do that and not get caught. He always gets caught. He doesn't have a lot of common sense, he gets caught really easily. He thinks he is so smart, and it's so obvious that he's not truthful. Do I confront him, I am really mad about this, or do I try to sit down and talk with him. I think he should have given my clothes back when I was hunting everywhere for them, all over the house, I didn't look in his room. I wouldn't have even considered my underwear could have been there. What do you guys think I should do? Please help!
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Well, we had a talk with him, my husband and me together. He said he used the underwear to satisfy and urge he had. My husband wouldn't let me ask him anymore about that. I told him my underwear are my personal property, and I didn't appreciate him taking them. That he should respect other people's property. He said he took the other bras from his Grandma's house. I left the room then and my husband talked to him a few minutes by himself. He told him that what he's doing is natural but not with your mothers underwear. That was it. Then my son brought out some more underwear out of his room. I don't know what to do next, if anything. My husband doesn't want to have a sex talk with him. He said I could do it. He said his Dad or Mom never did that with him. I never talked to my parents either. I learned things from school. A lot of it was wrong. He is only 12, a big part of me is screaming that he's still a little boy. Well, that's it for now. Please pray for us, that we can handle this situation in the healthiest way possible for my son, and me! Thanks for all your advice. Ecspecially Susie, thank you!
C.G. answers from Memphis on July 29, 2007
remove the underwear from his room, he'll know what happened and he'll be embarrassed enough by it, that he probably won't continue. you will, however, if you haven't already, get him all the info on sex and safe sex that you can. it's the age that it starts to become part of normal conversation among yound teens, and he needs to be armed with all the info on how to protect himself. masturbation is completely normal even as early as age 10. if your husband would freak out, then don't tell him about what you found. if he doesn't have access to pornos or other such visually stimulating material then that's probably what he's been using as a visual device. the underwear from outside the home is what would bother me most, especially with the horrendous state of sex ed today. make sure he starts carrying a condom at all times. we all know that a hyped up little of bag of hormones is not going to say no to a girl saying yes.
M.L. answers from Shreveport on July 28, 2007
just sit down and talk to him and she whats going on.
C.N. answers from Baton Rouge on July 29, 2007
It is perfectly normal and natural for boys to masturbate at that age. The underwear may just be a visual stimulus. If talking to his dad is going to result in his dad embarasssing him about it, then don't talk to his dad. Too many boys grow up thinking that there's something wrong with them because they have this urge.
If he's trying on the underwear, then it could be that he is transvestite. There is also NOTHING WRONG with this. Some men get a thrill from wearing women's underclothing, especially if it's silky or lacy fabric - it feels good. Some men have full female outfits, including wigs and makeup. Most transvestite men are straight. You might even offer to buy him a few items of his own so that he doesn't take other people's.
I would have a talk with him about taking things without permission, and about lying. He may have been afraid to come forward with it because of his dad.
S. answers from Little Rock on July 28, 2007
I am raising one boy, 15, as well as three girls. At 12 and 13 that is all he was doing, in his room locked for hours, in the shower forever. I took the approach of not embarassing him about it, because it is normal. It passes. I would confront the story telling, and maybe returning the underwear. It is awkward for a mom to talk to her son about some things. But you may find a way to do the sex talk, maybe get a book or whatever works for you, if you think the dad would embarass him. At this stage that is all they are thinking about (sex).
L.K. answers from New Orleans on July 27, 2007
J., I have no boys of my own but I do have a 13 year old brother and he's never been caught going through our mother's underwear. No, unfortunately, I don't think what you're describing is normal. I work for a mental health agency in New Orleans and would reccommend evaluation for him... I mean, if you had found 1 or 2 pairs I would say that he may have just been curious and then was afraid to return them because he was ashamed; but a whole basketful? I would have to ask him for his excuse. The best way to approach it is to ask him while you are alone so that there's a low risk of embarrassment. See what his reasons are. If you really are concerned then talk to a social worker or counselor....if you live in Jefferson or Orleans parish I would be more than happy to hook you up with one of ours just send me a message on the side. All the best.
E.K. answers from New Orleans on July 28, 2007
First of all I'm no expert, but from all I have read and all that I know about life, masterbation is perfectly normal. 12 is also probably about the age where boys (and girls) start to explore their sexual identity. You should not be concerned about it that much in my opinion. (Ask your husband what he was doing at 12! LOL)
Calling your son out or "confronting" him is the worst thing you can do. Perhaps the reason he makes up stories is that he doesn't feel he can come to you and talk without reprisal.
I know when my son gets to be that age I hope I have laid a foundation of MUTUAL trust so that he will feel free to come to me with his thoughts , dreams, and even failures.No matter what they may be. And yes, I too want to raise a child who is respectful, pleasant to be around and well adjusted. However I do know that sometimes the dreams of a child and the dreams that a parent have for them are not necessarily one and the same.
Good luck with your decision.