What Are Your Feelings Here??? Husband Question...

No, it wouldn't bother me at all. I have meals at work with male colleagues all the time. Sometimes in a group, sometimes 1:1. If my boss takes me out, he pays.

Give her some credit - she's a 31 year old police officer, not a 17 year old working at the local coffee shop. I highly doubt that she is getting the wrong idea.

I honestly don't think the part about her being a woman would bother me too much, BUT... If we were broke and didn't spend money on eating out together I would have a huge problem with it.

What would bug me is that he spent money on someone else before he spent it on me. Otherwise if he is doing this for the other staff there is no reason he should discriminate against her because you said so. If he is going to take one out as a reward he has to take them all out at one time or another.

I would think that they would have some funds for incentives for him to use to pay for meals and things like this or would have some ideas of things that he could do for free.

Otherwise he would be having to take me along for the meal too. I might enjoy getting to know more of the people he works with on a more "out of the station" basis.

So it's ok for him to build morale among his men, but not among the women he works with?

How would you like it if you worked for a boss that took the guys out for dinner, and did morale building events and such, but completely ignored you...because you just happen to be a woman? It would suck wouldn't it?

And then you find out the why the guys are getting showered with attention and you're being ignored is because his wife is jealous and is afraid that you're going to steal her man...and a man you have never made any advances toward, or done anything to make her think you want her. And the only thing she hates you and is jealous of you for is that you have boobs and a vagina.

Having dealt with cops and talked to cops (through my criminal justice courses) I can tell you right now, if he acts the way you seem to want him to act, then he's not going to go far in his career. In fact, the women you so badly want him to ignore, will be promoted long before he will.

With that being said, if you're not getting alone time with him, that's something different. You need to figure out how to get some time alone with him. Even if that means renting a movie from Redbox (or wherever) ordering pizza or Chinese (or whatever) and curling up on the couch together after the kids go to bed. Or hell, ask a friend or family member to take the kids for the night so you have the whole night to yourselves.

ETA: In the world of police officers, women are few and far between. So to ask him to discriminate against the women because you're uncomfortable...it just makes them feel even worse being in a male dominated profession.

I am a retired police Sergeant. You have nothing to fear. She is in many ways one of the guys. He has to treat all of his officers the same. I suggest that you're causing your husband difficulty at work to include encouraging more gossip because he doesn't treat women the same.

I urge you to work on doing things together with your husband. Make your relationship better so that you won't be as jealous.

I've had many a dinner with officers. Most of them while on duty. It sounds like the only difference in this case is that he had to pay because he lost. You don't say if the dinner was during work hours. I would encourage him to make all "rewards" or bets to be carried out during work hours; even with the men. That would be a better compromise for you and him.

I would sometimes drink with one or more of my co-workers after work. All relationships were on the up and up. Yes, I dated officers but they were single. It is sometimes tricky to combine personal and work lives.

When one is a police officer one is part of a second family. We face death and destruction daily. Socializing together is a part of the camaraderie. If he does socialize after work, it'll be common for the women to be a part of that. It does get tricky but you have to trust your husband until something happens to create distrust.

In my case, a few of the wives were a part of the inner circle. You might consider getting involved socially. Our department had/has a spouses group which did help the spouses to better understand what was happening.

It is also true that some officers play the field even tho they're married. Having their wives forbid them to buy dinner for a member of the opposite sex didn't change that. If anything it made it more likely for the husband to stray because it causes tension in the relationship at home and at work.

Marriage, to be successful, has to be based in trust. You say you trust him. So, I don't understand your request that he not buy dinner for someone with whom he works and is their supervisor. He told you about the dinner. A good sign.

I suggest that you'll both be happier if you let go of the need to control his work life and instead focus on your relationship.

After your SWH Betting is not flirting. One could use betting to be flirty but they would have to be using some verbal or non-verbal innuendos along with the bet. I wouldn't see betting as flirting. It is a part of the competition amongst officers.

Also, there is some flirting that goes along with working with men. There is a sexual tension that has to be dissipated in some way. But there are also boundaries. I've found that most officers respect women and will not go any further than the woman wants. And men set boundaries too and will avoid the woman who asks for more.

My husband spends time with female colleagues all the time, occasionally the share a meal. Some of them are single, some married or otherwise committed. It doesn't bother me.

I think asking your husband never to socialize with women is unreasonable.

I would not have any problems with it. Not ONE. Sorry.

I do think it is weird for you to tell him to not do this with the women he works with. Also, he sees these women at work anyways, and I'm sure he sees a lot more when he's out on the job.

My husband spends countless hours "alone" with people a variety of ages and sexes every week. He's a private music instructor with his own studio. He has a few adult women as students.

I'm a husband and have taken female employees to lunch or dinner at the request of my boss.

If you have read very many of my answers to questions, you know how dearly I love my wife. I didn't go out with other women to find a romantic interlude. I went to follow the instructions of my boss. When I do this I try to take all of my same tier employees and praise the one to be honored in front of their piers, but sometimes it can't be helped. I went on a cross country trip with one female co-worker and as per custom we went out to dinner together. We were making joint sales calls. So we had to call on the same clients at the same time. So we went in the same vehicle and stayed in the same hotels (different rooms of course). She saw how embarrassed I was having dinner with her and after the first night refused politely to have dinner with me. (I could feel myself turning red, but couldn't control it.) So she and I ate separately. Either she or I would have room service.

I wear my wedding ring between my ears.

I cannot tell you what her husband felt, but I was very glad when that trip was over and our mission was accomplished.

BTW, she was attractive and slightly younger than I was. Hope that helps a little. Good luck to you and yours.

As a woman, if I were working in that department and my boss, your husband, only did this fun sort of incentive stuff with the men, I would feel very upset. Possibly even discriminated against. Every good employee wants to show the boss that she's competitive, worth her salt in a group environment.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't worry about him doing this stuff with other women who are his subordinates. I would be proud of him for fostering a tight knit company of individuals who put themselves on the line every night in a job that is not always rewarding.

It's hard enough being a woman in a mans world. The last thing we need are jealous wives making it harder to get noticed for promotion. And this is coming from a woman who chose to leave the corporate world to stay at home after I gave birth. =/

Jennifer H. is right. Totallly.

Separately, he needs to take you out for dinner. Your date-night is at least as important as his career. You gave him the good heads up that you feel neglected and he reacted well. He's a good hubby!

I just gotta say that if she is stuffing her face like a walrus, she sure isn't giving him a reason to want more of her. I don't think this is flirting or coming on to him. She's acting like "one of the guys". Not every woman who eats a meal with a man wants to do any more than socialize.

Dawn

Actually, more than being concerned of his taking a female co-worker out.. I don't think the woman is missing out on much if as you say he was making fun of her.. your husband sounds rather rude and immature.. if it were me and my husband took a female co-worker out and then spoke ill of her, I would be more upset with that..

Unfortunately he has to treat her the same way he treats the guys. And if he bets the guys dinner for a first arrest, then he has to bet her a dinner for first arrest. If he does not treat her the same it can be skewed as discrimination instead of harassment. For him it is a no win situation, he could be "trouble" with you or in "trouble" with HR. Take your pick.

I've said it on here before I am the only woman in my office (male dominated field too) and I go to lunch with the guy(s) all the time. Never once thinking that they were making a move on me, even though they were buying. I've said as well these guys are like brothers to me...I don't see them in a romantic fashion. Women in male fields typically don't want to be treated any different, don't expect men to ogle over them. We are there to work and do a job.

If it was an office bet (whomever got the first arrest of the night got dinner paid for by the boss)... no worries.

If he singled her out, it's thin ice.

However... there's also a blurry line.

I'm exmilitary... and there have been times (crappy days, usually, the occasional Victory! Yeah!) when one of my superiors has taken me for a drink or a meal. It's not flirting (well it can be, but that's really obvious), it's an attaboy... you need this. Either to make sure you come back the next day and don't stick your head in an oven (can't resign from the military), or as a victory lap that's not big enough for "real" kudos, but lets you know your work is appreciated.

I think if you completely trust your husband, AND the fact that he told you in such a casual manner tells me it is a non-issue. My husband has had lunch and other functions with female co-workers and I have never given it a second thought. In fact, the person that stood with my husband at our wedding was a woman! He chose her because they had been such good friends for years. It didn't bother me at all and doesn't bother me now. She was deeply honored by the request. When you respect yourself enough to associate with people that will also respect and honor marriage, commitment and the like, friendships with people of the opposite sex is not a big deal IMO.
HTH,
A.
Also,

I used to work were there were 6 men and 2 women in our department. We would usually go to lunch. Sometimes it would be me, the other woman and this one guy. He would always make comments that he wife wouldn't like it is she knew he were out with 2 women. I just never understood that. It's just lunch. My husband never minded when I went to lunch or even out for drinks after work with the guys.
My husband used to work in an office that was all women. He would eat lunch by himself every day. I suggested that he invite someone to lunch with him so he wouldn't be stuck on his own. He said he had asked some of the women before but they wouldn't go with him because they thought their husbands would be jealous. I felt really bad for him that he was stuck basically excluded from everyone at lunch.

You're asking him to discriminate against women which could get him and the Department sued.

I would not be happy about my hubby using our money to reward his employees, but it wouldn't matter to me if the employee were male or female. Don't use our money to take ANYONE out to dinner other than me and our family.

He needs to come up with a non-monetary way to reward hard work and that incentive should be available to all of his subordinates, not just the men.

I eat lunch with my coworkers all the time. Sometimes they buy me lunch sometimes I buy them lunch. This is common and has nothing to gender.

No it would not bug me in the least. You may want to figure out why it is bugging you because it has nothing to do with lunch or who he ate it with.

I get it, esp if we rarely went out.
I'd be annoyed.

I give you credit for being straightforward with your hubby & telling how you feel, and he sounds like a great guy for listening even if he did not understand.

He took her out for a burger and fries!!??!! He did not take her to a romantic, candlelit restaurant for steak or seafood. But you are acting like he did the latter.
BTW who paid? Will he get reimbursed by the department?

As far as the we are broke and busy -- I think many couples can use this excuse to not spend time together. You should be able to re-work your budget or learn to give up something to be able to afford a dinner out with the hubby at least once a month. Not an expensive dinner but something like Olive Garden or a Chinese buffet. I took my kids and grandkids out recently, we had 8 people and my bill was only $57 with tip. We went to our favorite Chinese buffet. You and hubby need to start re-connecting as a couple.

your feelings are valid. It would bother me too.

I used to be a tech writer for an engineering firm. There were not very many women. I think that while he should be aware of his interactions with all his staff, including the women, he shouldn't entirely kabosh incentives. Everybody needs to know sometimes that they're doing a good job, no matter age and gender. He needs to find something that works to motivate his staff and be fair. My old boss used to take people to lunch for their birthdays, men and women alike. My boss was a woman. Maybe instead of going out, he brings something into the office. Or make the bet with all of them at once, not just a one-on-one basis.

Regardless of where you are or why you are with someone, if someone gets the wrong impression about your intentions, it is up to YOU to set them straight about it. That applies to work, school, hobbies, etc. I feel it's part of respecting someone. If they work together and are out on the street together, I just wonder if an occasional burger is all that bad if it's on the up and up. He could flirt with her any time if he wanted if that's the kind of guy he was (and I don't think he is). Keep it professional, of course, but I don't see that it's all that horrible.

You said you and he are busy and broke. Would you feel a lot better if he made some time for you? Is that the real issue? Would you be mad about the money and time if it was a guy?

No, that she is a woman wouldn't bother me at all, and I don't see any element of flirtation in what you describe. My husband will take his co-worker to lunch (male or female, it doesn't matter), and they return the favor. If men and women are equals in the workforce (and they should be), this isn't a big deal at all. I think your husband could easily clear up any "confusion" you think he might have caused in this woman by raving about you occasionally when she's around. ^_^

However, if he took her out and never takes you out, I can see where the jealousy would come from. I wouldn't be jealous of the woman so much as of the time and money! I think it's good that Hubby has agreed to spend some quality time with you, now make sure he follows through.

im sure theres nothing going on there.. but i would say even knowing there was in no way anything going on i wouldnt exactly be fond of the idea it would still bug me

Him spending money we couldn't afford would bother me. Him going out to eat with another woman who was not a romantic interest for him would not.

it's LUNCH. and apparently an incentive that was offered to the entire crew, not some private lunch invitation offered to her alone.
obviously a workplace that includes both sexes (almost all of them these days) needs to have some sensitivity, but to eschew having lunch together lest it get misread? that would be a huge step backward for women, and an insult to your husband who is working creatively to boost morale.
it would never occur to me to forbid my husband to eat a meal with a colleague, and i'd sure as shootin' not appreciate it if he tried to put that sort of restriction on me.
i would, however, be a bit peeved over the money issue. if the expense is being reimbursed, or written off as a business expense, that's okay, but if it's money that he COULD have used as a treat for you, i guess that's something to discuss with him. but what you need to think about is if you want that treat because you want the treat, or because you just don't want it going to some other woman. he's trying to be a good boss. not cool to stymie that just because you're having a jealous moment.
the only thing that concerns me here is the way he's talking about her. since he presumably knows you, he may have been talking her down just to defuse you and make sure that you know there's no attraction. and between spouses that's no big deal. but i hope he's not speaking of her so disparagingly to the other police officers.
khairete
S.

Well I think the fact that your husband said he wouldn't do it again is good enough. No...I would not like it...the fact that they were dining together. But....I think leave well enough alone. It sounds innocent to me.

I would be irked... but because he is taking others out to dinner... and using your/your family's money to do so... AND meanwhile, you and the children do NOT get to go out to dinner and Husband can't afford to take his own family out to dinner.

To me: any kind of incentive or reward, per work, should not use one's own money, nor the family's money.

You need to talk to your Husband.

"Rewarding" the hard work of people in their shifts... should not, make the Boss or his family, broke themselves.

And if your Husband cannot reward his co-worker Females, via a meal... then what else can he do to reward them?

And, any type of work "reward" for co-workers, should be.... during office hours. NOT off hours on their free time.

Your Husband's BOSS... himself, should be doing the rewarding of his staff. Not your Husband. His Boss... is not having to PAY for the rewards... himself.
Sneaky.

Since your Husband's BOSS... is making the request, the "he" reward his staff.... then the Boss, should be using funds, to make this happen. Not your Husband using HIS own hard earned salary, to buy these rewards.

ALSO, you said this is to reward... the people on your Husband's shift. SO.... a "reward" should NOT be based on a friendly "bet"... on who gets the 1st arrest of the night or not.
It should be made per the work QUALITY that a worker does. Not based on a "bet."
THAT is the other problem.
And if a bet is made, it should be made to the ENTIRE staff, not just to one woman and your Husband.
A "reward" should be made to the ENTIRE staff.... not just to one person.

Perhaps, a kitty could be made. Any loose change or dollars collected by EVERYONE... and whoever does good work, per whatever requirements is decided upon... then that person gets a lunch or something. Something simple like a hamburger or something.
That way, everyone has to work for getting the reward. Not just select people getting rewarded based on a "bet" that your Husband makes with one person or the other.
A work reward... has to be, offered to everyone.

I would be bothered that I don't get time with my spouse.

I wouldn't be bothered by the woman, in a jealous way. I would caution him to not be too friendly, as some women out there WOULD get the wrong idea. Meaning, it's probably not the best idea for him to be going out alone and celebrating alone with a female colleague. He is her boss, and some women would read into that and want more. That can cause some work problems, I would imagine.

ETA: I meant after hours, to clarify.

i would only be bothered if money was so tight that bills weren't being made, but I'd be J. as upset if he went out to dinner on his own if that were the case. If he's J. enjoying a cheap burger with her and you can afford that it should be fine. I agree with everyone that it should be during work hours though, although grabbing a quick bite to eat and a drink after work isn't that bad either.

I would be upset as well. Especially if we were broke and didn't get to do those things together. Your feelings should be respected.

Well I will tell you what my husband and I would handle that. If I were offended by something or uncomfortable about it, he would stop whatever he was doing immediately. His philosophy is if it offends the other no matter the intent on that person's part than the other should stop. So it sounds like your husband is okay in not doing that sort of thing with females at work so that is good. It is something you requested and he is complying.

On one hand, if his boss has asked him to start using incentives with his employees, you really can't ask him to do so only with males. It will get him in trouble!

On the other hand, we had a similar exchange in our house a week or so ago. Very long story short, several months ago a college friend of my husband's wrote on his FB wall a message that I thought was a little inappropriate. I know the situation, she was acknowleding what would have been his ex-fiance's birthday. She was killed in a car accident 6 months after graduating from college. It was tragic, but it is not part of our everyday lives after 15 years. This woman found him on FB and felt the need to write something about it publicly. He wasn't thrilled about her message and deleted it from his wall. Apparently she also messaged him to say that she was glad that he was happily married with a beautiful family... blah... blah. He showed it to me, no big deal.

Fast foward 6 months and his mother is being sued. This woman is an attorney and he contacted her to ask if she would just look at the summons and suggest a local attorney to represent his mother. Again, no big deal. She emailed him back asking if he wanted to get together for a drink to discuss it... OK, now it's kind of a big deal. My husband truly didn't understand why I said "no way". He wasn't hiding it from me and in his mind she works pretty far from us, but lives closer so getting together in the evening would make more sense. Silly man. She's nearly 40 and single. Not appropriate, nor is it necessary. Just give us the name of an attorney and I'll send you a thank you note... As I explained to him, I'm not jealous. I have the handsome husband and the good life, but I don't trust her to see that as valuable because I don't know her at all. Beyond that, it's just not appropriate for a married man to go out for drinks with a single woman. Beyond that... at 9 months pregnant with our second child and with a house under construction, we haven't gone out alone in nearly a year- so you aren't going out alone with someone else.

Totally get it and you're not way off here. It would bug me too!

The only issue that comes to mind for me, is that he is her superior (along with the guys' superior as well) and he is taking them out for a meal alone. Now, if they are working together (the pair of them) and have to share a meal together during their shift, and the only variation due to the bet is that he pays for it, then no big deal. But if he is taking his subordinates out on off hours and paying for it, that might be problematic.
It really kind of depends. In some circumstances, it can be risky to socialize with your subordinates outside of the workplace. Maybe it is different in the world of law enforcement, I don't know. I know that if they are having this "bet/payoff" meal on their own time outside of work hours, then it could be risky if at some point she wanted to make waves for him and lodge some sort of accusation or complaint against him...

But if they are eating a meal together on a lunch break while on-duty, then no big deal...they'd be eating together regardless of any bet, right?

I don't think betting with her is flirting based on what you've said---it sounds like it is a "standard" incentive used with all his subordinates. I'd only be cautious if it could be turned around on him that he was abusing his position over her in some way.

A guy at my husband's job was recently reprimanded for something like that, after he said something considered inappropriate to a woman at work, a subordinate, who also partied regularly with him after work hours. It wouldn't have ever happened if he had maintained the distinction between supervisor and subordinate, but partying with her (and others under his supervision) blurred his judgment and he said something he shouldn't have. Now he is suffering the consequences of ALL of his poor judgment (he's being transferred around the department, among other things).

Well.. if he does this with others he has to treat the men and women equally. It would bother me if he showed her special attention.

As for the lunch, can he not turn in the lunch receipt as a business expense? If not, and h is buying lunch for a lot of people doing things like this, I would probably be a little miffed too, since we are also on a very tight budget.

I hear you completely. It would bug me too. I wouldn't be happy about it or ok with it. That is too close of a line and even though its innocent, that line can get crossed easily. I would rather just prevent it all together.

it wouldnt bother me because my husband works with a lot of women. one even buys him little gifts. i dont worry about that one because she likes women lol. the others do it to show their appriciation for him becuase he bust his hump.
i do understand where you are coming from though. it may bother me if i knew that the woman was single.

Have hubby take you along when he takes others out, male or female. Getting ahead at work won't keep him warm if he loses his family because of his job. Let go of the jealousy it will just eat at you and make you miserable.