What Am I Doing Wrong? - Dallas,TX

Read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.
http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/006...

you can find it at most libraries

As has already been mentioned, you need some outside help at home for chores, babysitting, etc., so that you can spend some quality time with your husband. It will not get better if you don't deal with it now. You'll be even more exhausted when you're dealing with two kids needs each and everyday. Your husband also could use some sensitivity training as you are indeed tired and if he can't deal with the situation now, he will have even more difficulty dealing with all the problems to come. So, you might also want to consider some counseling at this point as you seem to be carrying the entire burden that the situation is all your problem. The fact that he thinks your fatigue is an excuse when your body is busy creating a whole new person indicates that he's pretty self-centered. Your marriage is still young and the pattern of how you both deal with things can change before it's too late.

First of all...YOU are pregnant, working and caring for an 18 month old! Are you kidding me! He should be rubbing your feet and HELPING you! I told my husband one night that the biggest turn on for me was when he helped me by cleaning house one day! I couldn't wait to jump in bed with him that night! There were also times when I was puking ten times a day that quite honestly sex was the LAST thing on my mind. If your husband wants to leave you because you are too tired to have sex right now then I say don't let the door hit you in the behind on your way out! He should be bending over backwards to help you!

You're not doing anything wrong, you are pregnant and have a full time job and a toddler. Your present reality is just hard right now.
And from your "about me" it seems like you've spent almost your whole marriage being pregnant or post-partum, which isn't an easy road under even the best of circumstances. And, not to sound harsh, but that's a whippin' on any man.
First of all, get a date with your husband. I know it sounds easier said than done, but you have to remember that you were a couple bfore you were parents. Find a sitter or a near-by relative or someone who can keep your daughter early enough in the evening that you're not too exhausted. Maybe it would work to have a Saturday afternoon date where the two of you can really talk about your life. You need 2 to 4 hours alone. It would be even more awesome if grandma or someone could step in and give you a weekend away (even if "away" is just a Dallas hotel).
Once you get some time, work together to prioritize things. Family dinner is important, what are some ways to make that easier? Super Suppers, maybe designate a couple nights a week for take-out or frozen meals, etc.
What about housework? If that's taking time away from your family, pay someone to do it. Someone could come in twice a month to take care of things that you simply don't have time to do.
What about "couple time" -- how and where will that fit? Somewhere between weekly and monthly, you should have a date night. Whether it's a Starbucks run, or a full dinner out, spend time together that counts. On "non-date" weeks, keep the same night as a special night. We have "inside dates" where we rent a movie or break out a deck of cards or board games and play a couple rounds after the kids go to bed.
Find out his desires for what family life should be like, and share your own thoughts on the matter. Find out what things are the *most* important and start there. For example, my husband wants the house to be peaceful when he arrives home from work. Anyone who has kids will know that the 5 or 6:00 hour is the most difficult time of day to guarantee happy children. However, I assumed he would place a higher priority on having dinner ready at that time. So, the reality was that I was spending the hour before he got home in the kitchen and the kids were running amok, so that he walked in to ultimate chaos. Once I knew what was most important to him, I could change where I put my energy. Now, I spend the last 30 min or so before he's home playing with the kids, etc. so they're not strung out on a TV-high or flipping out from not having my attention. We eat dinner an hour later, but the time up until then is much happier, and my husband is too.

Also, it was one of these talks that prompted me to quit my full time job and stay home with the kids. We were, like you, expecting our second child and wondering what would happen to our lives in the aftermath of bringing the new baby home. It was then that my husband said he would really prefer that one of us stay home with the kids. He was even willing to quit HIS job, since I made the most money. If it was that important to him, I knew what I needed to do.
Of course, that doesn't mean that things are rosy all the time. I think the first year after a baby is born is the hardest year on any couple's life and we, like you, had two of those years pretty close together (our kids are 22 mo apart).
As far as intimacy, you really will have to plan ahead and follow through. It sounds awful, but pregnancy can really sap your desire. And while your husband might be empathetic, he'll never fully understand. Men think about having sex about every hour of the day.

You know, I would normall go along w/ Dr. Laura on this one, but DANG IT! Men have no idea what pregnancy does to a body. Have you spoken to him very clearly about this issue & how your body feels? If he just wants to "hop on" with no participation from you, then invite him in while you sleep. If however, he values that you are the mother of his children & that pregnancy is rough on a body- causing, in some cases extreme fatigue (been there!, but you'd be happy to help him out in a MUTUALLY agreeable manner. Maybe that includes intercourse, maybe it just includes a little manual assistance. But GOODNESS GRACIOUS! I never thought I'd have been so happy to have a guy that didn't find my bulging pregnant body any more sexy than I did. Sex was really the last thing I was worried about in my last trimester.

Hang in there. Talk to him. If he is ever so wonderful, he will understand this is only a temporary period in your marriage & in no way an outward reflection of your lack of love or disinterest- You're just TIRED RIGHT NOW!

D.

K.,

I know in my relationship I have felt just like you do. It is exhausting being a mom and having everyone dependant upon you. I have a 8 mnth old and a 6 year old. They keep me hopping. With that said part of having a great healthy family is taking care of EVERYONES needs. Yours and your husbands included. I say really make an effort now. In a few months it will be worse when baby two arrives. Have you thought about getting a sitter one evening and having a romantic dinner with your husband, going home and having sex before he goes to get her from the sitters? Maybe have a cleaning service come in clean up and pick dinner up so you have an easy eveing if you don't want a sitter. Marriage is important, husbands need to have some of your attention too. Good luck! If it is important you will find a way to make it happen.

K.,

You have had some wonderful and reassuring advice. The most common complaint I hear from second time moms is the extreme fatigue. In addition to the wonderful advice some things that may help a "little" (besides more rest, less housework, more time alone with huggy hubby) is extra time release vitamin B's. You can take them in addition to your prenatal's and time release is incredibly important since it allows the vitamin B to continue to release thru the course of the day giving you more energy. Another thing that may help is omega 3 fatty acids. Don't forget your protein as well. As much as 70gms of protein a day will really help incredibly and strengthens your muscle tone nicely.

Just a few idea's.
K. @ The Nestingplace

You are not doing anything wrong!

Here's some ideas.... take a half day off from work. Take a nap. Have someone else pick up the kids from daycare. Have your hubby come home early, then get intimate!

If you can get it in once a week, he should be happy... shouldn't he?

On the weekends, have the kids go to a friends house. Take a nap, wake up perky.

Hi K.,

I know we all sympathize with you on this one. It does seem the second pregnancy is always more tiring than the first. My second pregnancy two years ago was with twins so I was always exhausted and couldn't have regular intercourse the last two months just for precaution since I was dilating a little bit. I've learned that it is so easy to say our husbands should be understanding and live with it for as long as it takes but that's almost like asking him not to breathe. When men don't relieve that stress through sex, it can lead them to build up lots of frustration and they say ununderstanding things like your husband has. A recent women's bible study on marriage really helped me understand how vital regular sex is for the male species. Anyway, my suggestion was going to be how about mornings? If your guy is anything like mine he will take it whenever it's available. What I did with my husband late in my pregnancy was give him nice little hand jobs without my shirt on (he's a breast man! LOL). I think it made him more understanding towards me because it was clear to him that even though I couldn't do it the normal way, I knew he needed something to happen between me and him (not just himself and the shower). Even today, over two years later, I think he almost looks forward to my time of the month because he knows he's getting that little treat during that week LOL. Ok, I know that's a lot of personal info, but these topics seldom dictate delicate answers :-) Hope you guys experience a little spice, soon, you've been given some great advice to make it happen. Best wishes!

Get intimate in the morning!!!!You feel it in the morning do it!!!!
Maybe set your alarm for 30 mins early!
Good Luck.

You aren't doing ANYTHING wrong. My son is the same age as your daughter and I'm also expecting baby #2 in December.

I asked my midwife about this the other day, and she said that it is one of the most common questions she gets asked. First of all, you are exhausted, from motherhood, work and from pregnancy (which is known to cause fatigue on it's own).

And, often times, pregnancy hormones can cause a lack of sex drive.

Here is a great link that tells of lots of advice. These are very effective (so I'm told), but I believe most have to be done after pregnancy and breastfeeding is over.

http://mamasource.com/request/17688139393648295937

If your husband doesn't believe you, than HE needs to talk to your obgyn and read a pregnancy book... b/c it's science.

As for what you can do... maybe send your kid to the sitters or a parent for an overnight stay and have a date night. Sometimes, just having alone time in a non stressful environment helps.

Also, tell him this (it's the best thing I have EVER heard from a phsycologist),

"Men are like microwaves, woman are like ovens".

Men can be ready to go in a matter of minutes, but sometimes with a woman, it takes ALL DAY of affection, hugging, holding hands, playing with her hair... to make her feel right. I believe the actual number was about 13 different times throughout the day of simple affection will do the trick. So... if he wants to be intimate, than he needs to do his part as well.