What Am I Doing Wrong?

Your baby is studying his dad's face to familiarize him with it. Babies often stare at strangers to the point of embarrassment. He is used to your face, so is examining the room with his eyes. You need to relax and enjoy your baby for who he is. Perhaps because your sibling is distant you are concerned your baby will be to. Trust me he is behaving normally and in a few months you will be back here writing that you cant leave the room without him screaming.

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L., you ever heard of the saying, "Run your on race?"
Stop comparing your relationship with your baby to your husbands relationship with the baby.
Each relationship grows differently, so stop looking over your shoulders at what your husband is doing and concentrate on the relationship you are building with your child.
Who's bonding more? Who's bonding less? Its of no importance.
Parenting is not a competition.

I think you have to lower your expectations for yourself as a mother, not try and define your relationship with your baby (its to early anyway) and take it slow, babies do pick up on anxiety.

You sound filled with anxiety - why not talk to someone about it. You just had a baby and your life has changed.
A six month old loves anyone who feeds and plays with them.
And you may be responding to the needs of the baby, but it doesn't should like you're having much fun doing it especially if you spend your time looking for a pay off.
How long did he stare at me, before he looked away?

You're putting way to much pressure on the wee baby.
I mean does he need to do a song and dance, so you can feel like a great mom?
Or is it ok for your baby to drool and stare contently at his surroundings?

Relax, talk to someone one and one day this same wee baby will be screaming, becuase he doesn't want anyone else, but you.

Good Luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Have you considered that you could possibly have some low grade post-partum depression? I am no doctor, but your baby is so young that it is hard to believe that he has preferences between parents. He may be very interested in your husband because of his animated nature and the fact that he is new and fresh because he is only around during certain times of the day, but you are his primary care giver and he is too young to dislike you if you are meeting all of his needs.
I remember when I was alot younger I struggled with depression after my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. What I remember the most before I started taking anti-depressants was that the whole world seemed so skewed. I thought every friend was lying to me, that no one loved me and that things were hopeless. You may not be struggling with post-partum, but it might be worth being open to the possibility.
My son still seems to me like he prefers my husband, when I get home he always asks for Daddy and always seems so excited when daddy comes home (we both work full time). But my husband says the same thing, when I am not around, I am all my son talks about. So it is important to keep things in prespective.
Good Luck.

Nothing's wrong, so stop blaming yourself. You just need to chill out. Your baby loves you. It's just that he doesn't get to see Daddy as much, so Daddy is more of a novelty. You might want to allow Daddy to watch the baby more often to give yourself a little free time and the baby a break from seeing you all day. When the baby realizes that you "go away" too, he'll start bonding more. Ever hear of the old phrase, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? It's true.

it's very typical that your child is more interested in your husband then you. you're home all the time with him...daddy is not

Sounds like you're doing a great job of making your baby feel he is safe by meeting all his needs. You may be forgetting that your baby also needs space and time alone with his own thoughts. My only advice would be to try to give him a few minutes alone with a toy instead of laying right next to him all the time. Have you ever spent too much time with someone? Ever need an afternoon to yourself without your husband or brother? It's the same concept.

Good luck!

Hi... it sounds like your husband is threatened by you and your baby's closeness... he might be feeling that you spend all this time alone with the baby, so its only fair he gets to do the same.... you might want to suggest doing things together with the baby when both of u are around... for example, one person bathes, the other dresses... one gives the bottle,the other burps, play together with the baby...

as far as the baby not connecting with you... i don't think that can happen.. remember, he is now at that stage where his senses are developing, he can hear better, see better etc... so he is seeing the world for the first time now... but he still has a short-term memory, so he remembers only those things that he sees alll the time...

the reason he fixes his look on your husband is cause he doesn't see him much, so its something new for him...but he sees you all the time, so he might just be bored and need more stimulation (imagine if you had to see only one thing all the time)...

.... if he is looking around, then try pointing to things and naming them for him.. or make funny sounds he can associate with the objects...try tickling his belly when you change his diaper... pretend his nose his a horn when you clean it.... try new games, new sounds, new sensations with him....

i speak to me daughter all the time.... we are constantly playing together... peek-a-boo is a big hit, putting things on my head and letting them fall are a riot.... making funny noises when she touches something gets a big smile.... anything that's out of the ordinary or shakes up the routine... she loves dancing to music... oh another game that she loves is catch- my husband will carry her and then start saying.. run run run mom's here.. run run.... and ill chase them till i catch them.... oh she has so much fun with that...

....when the weather is good, take him out for a stroll, put him in the stroller- he will enjoy looking at things... you should point things out to him, maybe bring stuff to him so he can touch it.... take him to the park... make some play dates if possible...

hope this helps.... have fun with your baby.... don't get caught up in your routine of do to tasks... now is the the time to really enjoy!

Hi L.:
My son does the same thing, only not just with my husband, with everyone. It happens with my nanny as well, which leads me to believe it's not personal- his growing brain is trying to learn about the world and is wired to focus on new things. So in a sense, he's doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing.
As a mom, it's tough to feel less than 100% content with your baby. I am not crazy about the fact that my son isn't cuddly. My daughter loved nothing more than to hug, lay in my arms, kiss and cuddle for hours. My son (15 mo now) squirms, pushes and tries to get away. the only thing he's interested in is exploring. It's so depressing!! And yet they say every baby is diferent and I just have to accept it- with the cuddle thing I'm definitely being selfish because I just love cuddling babies so much!! But on the other hand, he's an explorer and I'm so proud of that.

-S.

Nothing! You are doing everything right! Do not be so hard on yourself. Keep up the good work. Just as everyone has written, this is normal. Best of luck to you!

Hi L.,

You are doing nothing wrong! Your baby might seem to take you for granted at this age because you do meet all of his needs without him having to fear that he will be ignored. That is great that he has such an enthusiastic relationship with your husband as well. One thing that might help, especially since you care for other family members, might be to support your relationship with baby by making sure all other family relationships are strong. Do you and your husband get any alone time away from home? Do you spend any one-on-one time around the baby as well (cuddling while the baby plays on the floor)? It is important that all of those needs be met and relationships be maintained for the overall family's health. You might back off a little on not making your baby wait. A six-month-old that knows mommy is around can learn to wait a little when there is a need (don't ignore an injury, just slowly help the baby learn that he can wait a few minutes to be picked up, etc.). This might help him learn to be a little more excited about mommy time. Don't worry about being normal or not--again, it sounds like you are doing great! :)

Hi L., I'm sure this makes you feel badly. I do not know you but you have a lot on your plate with your sibling. Do you smile at your baby? I learned while I was working in the school systen, from a group os psychologists that the smile is very important to the childs development. A baby will choose a paper plate with a smile drawn on it over a colorful toy. I'm only guessing but you may be caring for baby's needs and may also be overworked. A parent who is angry or just without a smile causes a baby to be anxious and upset. Again I do not know you but I hope this helps. Some day he will be Mommy's boy. Grandma Mary mother of 5

L.,

I know you are more comfortable with where things are than when you first posted, but this concerned me:

>>If he is holding the baby and I walk by and start to
>>talking to him then my husband will turn the baby toward
>>him and start tickling him or whatever

You are with your baby more often, **and this may not be the case, but I think you need to do more with your son as far as interactive activities. If you don't already: Name stuff around the house, down to the last weird objects (door handle, lock, wood grain, color, hard, hollow noise, etc for a door description.) Getting him involved with interacting with YOU will help this part of the 'game' it looks/sounds like your husband is playing.

I can't express everything I want in this, but I have a husband who has been doing something very similar. DS is overjoyed when DH comes home (to the point where he stays up later at night to see him come home), and while there are other issues making what I have a bit different from what you seem to have, it's still an issue with ME. I don't want my child to grow up thinking all the fun comes from Dad. It's an equal expectation that fun comes from both parents, not work from Mom and fun from Dad. That's when respect and responsibility start to go out the window, and most people don't recognize it or want to try to get it back.

Go with your gut, you're not paranoid.

Play the little attention and focusing games with your son. Don't leave him crying anywhere to get him used to it. (not saying you do, but it doesn't help what you are trying to change). Avoid TV if you can (if you have to keep it on for your sibling, I understand) it isn't good for your baby.

Soooo much more I want to impart and my own little one is stirring.

I wish you the best, and hope for the best for your son. I hope I am totally off base!
M.

PS: I just reread your update, and reread the part about your son not smiling as much:

Look in the mirror and SMILE! he will mirror you -when he sees you smiling, he will know everything is okay.

I noticed when my son wakes and I am tired and just not showing any emotion, he is generally more upset. When he is starting to stir and he sees me grinning like a crazy woman, he just lights up and starts laughing! I try so hard to remember that smiling is something I need to do more often, no matter how tired I am.

Good luck!

Hi L.,
Sorry to hear about your situation.
I don't think you do anything wrong. Infants, sometimes get more fascinated by novelty. In case of your husband, he is not around your baby all the time and like you said, whenever he is around he goes up and beyond to make your baby feel good. It shows your husband wants to make up for the time he is away from your baby (most working parents have that tendency). I'm not sure if he intends to make your baby like him more than he likes you, (but who am I to judge, I don't live with you), I think he just feels you stay long enough with the baby and when he is at home, it is his turn to enjoy the baby.
Have you noticed how your infant reacts whenever you get back from a long errand trip?
Good luck,
L..

L.,
I have to be completely honest here. I think that you are worrying too much. What your child is doing is so beyond normal. All stay at home parents go through it. I'm sure that you have quite a few moments during the day where your daughter is super happy & content with you, it just isn't all day & to be honest it will probably never be all day (at least for a few years). Your child is happy most of the time with your husband bc she doesn't get as much time with him. If he were home all day & you were at work you can be sure it would be the other way around. Your daughter will def start to appreciate you more in the coming months. Will she still be super excited when your husband comes home? Of course. Think of it like having two friends, one that lives next door & one that lives cross country. You will obviously be more excited when the one who lives far comes through the door bc you don't get to see her that often. Babies are ppl too, they develop the same characteristics as we do. It has npthing to do with you. You're an amazing mom, very attentive & caring. Your daughter would deeply miss you if you're gone all day. On another note, I had the same jealousy as you at first, then I realized that it was actually really hard for my husband to leave all day too & how nice for him to come home to his child that wants to see him so badly (wife too,LOL).
My daughter is now 18 months & we have so much fun together. She loves playing & hanging out, it will come. I PROMISE!!!!

You're not doing anything wrong! It is so wierd, but I found the same thing with my son... totally opposite to my daughter. My daughter has always been a "Mommy's Girl", but when my son was you're son's age... it was all about Daddy. He said Da-Da-Da and always looked for him when he woke up in the mornings and from naps. I believe it's some sort of male bond. ??? But, when my son got close to 1yr old, he really started needing Mommy more. He now will cry and reach out for me if my husband takes him from me to go change a diaper, take him for a walk, whatever. Now he's becoming a "Mama's Boy"! Hee hee.
I had my feelings hurt at first, but then I realized that it's a good thing that he feels a bond with his father. And now it's really balancing out (he's 13months) and is leaning towards me... (the boy knows where all the care comes from.. :))

Don't worry - your baby loves you!!!! :)

First, congrats on your little one! BTW, I give you a lot of respect for caring for your sibling. It says a lot about the person you must be. I have a challenged adopted aunt and uncle that one I day will become guardian for as my mom cares for them now. It's how I was raised. I also have a 19 year old niece they thought was non-verbal autistic but she actually has Rett Syndrome come to find out.

Second, have you asked your husband why he does that, turns the baby away from you? Have you pointed out to him that the baby isn't responding to you and you are feeling like your bond is weakening? Have you told him you need him to help you and be your partner - you guys are a team and are supposed to work together - and to refrain from things like that?

If the boys seem distracted when my husband comes home, I will whispher to them "Daddy's home! Go give him some love!" Normally they do it on their own but they seem to be more interested in playing some days and it makes my husband sad the times they don't come running to hug him. He misses them so much during the day and thinking about seeing us is the thing that helps him when his day isn't going well which is most days unfortunately. The point is, I know how each scenario makes my husband feel and I WANT the boys to be excited daddy is home...not worrying about a toy at that very moment so I feel the occasional reminder is worth a winning circumstance all around.

This is normal. Your son is going to prefer one of you over the other all the time and it will often change. Having said that, you guys need to boost each other up. You are both important to your child and you have to work together. (I'd still say something to him about the turning him away though. I don't think that's right.) I also agree with giving your son space. He needs to be able to be by himself sometimes or you may never be able to clean, cook, much less go to the bathroom without him feeling the need to be attached to your hip.

Good luck and I hope you update us.

Hey L.

sounds too me like you could have a little post partum depression.

As for your child well I think he likes your husband because
he seems to play with him more

Here is a link
http://baby-todler-play.suite101.com/article.cfm/babysitt...

With tips on how to play with your child.

I am sure your a good mom, but your a new mom, and need some help and suggestions , just like we all did when we first had kids

Don't forget you have been caring for a NON verbal sibling,
And a Baby who doesn't talk, so your home alone all day.

I really think you need to get more verbal with your child.

Go to barnes and nobles and buy some flash cards with Pictures of various animals, I am certain he will LOVE this
My boys did, ( and make sure they are sturdy )LOL

Feel free to email me with other suggestions.

Good Luck good momma!

M

play with him. make funny noises... laugh a lot. It seems your husband is doing that kind of things.. like tickling him, probably smiling a lot, maybe bouncing him around. do funny things... do peek a boo behind your hand. Feel easy going about him... don't look at everything you do as a chore.. look at it like its all a game and all fun. Take him for lots of rides outside. Bring a small blanket, wrap him up around the waist and put him on a swing at the park.. the wrap part so he won't fall forward.. give it a small push. he's old enough for that. just have fun fun fun.. and you'll see .. he will smile more for you and want to be with you more.. just make life happy for him. good luck.. your doing fine..

Hi LaTonya. There are times that kids will go through a stage where they simply prefer one parent to the other and sometimes it's mom, sometimes it's dad. Sounds like dad is doing a lot of the playing and some babies like a little wild play. An infant doesn't necessarily have the same appreciation of being fed, diapered, walked that they do of having someone be silly with them. Babies that age don't have the same needs/interests as a newborn - he's moving past the holding and cuddling and noticing what's around him. It's common for babies that age to take notice of and become fascinated with the most interesting, most animated thing in the room and it sounds like when dad it home, it's him. I'd suggest more active play with your son. I also think it's rude of your husband to turn the baby away from you when you're speaking to him, teaching a child to turn away from mom when she's speaking is teaching the child disrespect for you.
Good luck and enjoy your baby - remember that as a mom, you need to grow with him and change your parenting as he gets older and his needs/interests change :)

La Toya,
You are doing a lot for others! Do you ever get to leave the house alone? It might help you to do something for yourself and leave your husband with the responsibilities for a few hours every so often. Then, maybe you'll witness your son not wanting you to leave, and then happy when you return.

You are, basically, boring for him to look at and pay attention to because you are always there. Daddy is not home as much so there is more to figure out. Also, Daddy has his own guilt about being away from home while his son is growing up quickly every day. Enjoy the break when he gets home and go do something else in the house for a while. Don't forget when I said at the beginning about leaving the house, too.

Your feelings, the actions of your husband with your son, and the reactions your son is giving to both of you are all completely NORMAL. Make sure to share your feelings with your husband and also share what you have read from us here. It will strengthen your relationship, and you may learn something about your husband's perspective.

S.

I know that feeling all to well. My lovely son, fell totally and utterly in love with my sister first, yet I was the one breast feeding him. However, as far as he was concerned at the time I was only the glorified bottle and generally nice lady.

The good news is they grow out of that. Don't neglect your son but don't smother him either. Perhaps this is a case of absence making the heart grow fonder. When you are the one that is always there, you are familiar and comfortable. Less frequent faces are facinating and honestly my son would have kicked my sister to the curb for a male voice and touch which he did do when he got a male caregiver at the age of 18 months.

Relax, enjoy the moments you share with him. Don't read too much into your husband's actions or your son's. It is wonderful they have each other like they do. Use it to your advantage to get out, take a break from baby, do something restorative for yourself like yoga, a walk in the park, reading a good book, taking a cooking class, or some other fun thing like that and in no time you will find you son seeking out that missing momma that was always there.

Hope this was good information for you.

First of all your not doing anything wrong. I felt the same way as you but i always felt a sense of relief when my husband was home because i knew he would have quality time with the baby and you see this as a time for you to also take care of yourself go out for a walk go shopping meet with freinds etc. Babies have a sixth sense which sometimes freaked me out they can sense anxiety or uneasiness and like any other child they take mommy for granted sometimes. When i went back to work i was like a super star again when i came home they like to spice it up a little and see someone new it could be grandma or anybody but it just happens to be your husband because hes the next best thing in his life and if you reversed roles it would be you. At the time a baby learns to say a few words that sixth sense goes away and he may not be as in tune with what your feeling therefore you won't have to worry does he know i don't feel comfortable around him or i don't know why he doesn't like me as much as daddy. Part of him growing up is moving away from his need for you and every baby is different my baby will not snuggle with me he just doesn't like it never did. Also he may actually be trying to tell you that he would like a little space from you like maybe now that hes getting bigger you should start using the stroller more often this is the age when they begin to move away from mommy and explore the outside world a little more he won't be able to crawl if you don't put him down to build his muscles, of course with the knowledge that you are near by if he needs you he feels safe knowing that you are there. Daddy may be considered part of that outside world as well and he also caters more to the fun aspect while your there for the care aspect but that doesn't make your job any less important in fact yours is more important and foremost in his life but of course he won't know this.

Relax your doing a wonderful job and keep reaching out to ther moms for support!
From H.