Weird Question About 4 Year Olds and Boyfriends

My son went to a YMCA camp at about 6 years old... The third day the counsellor had a "serious" discussion with me because my son was sitting next to a girl who was sad, and he put his arm around her back to console her (like we do at home when someone is sad) and the girl said he touched her butt. I have no doubt his hand was probably near there, but I also have no doubt he had no intention of touching her butt. He thought he was being a good friend. So I have mixed feelings on this -- I grew up where no one touched anyone and to this day I get the creepy crawleys if someone touches my hand or arm while they are talking (which MANY people do) or brush against me while walking side by side. Hugs were curt and short and formal. Then when I went to high school I had a friend who said she needed a hug every day, and if I was the only one available then I was going to have to do it :) And it had to be a "real" hug.

I truly feel isolated because of this lack of contact, so I didnt want my son growing up that way. I made myself hug him (for real) very often, and I make it a point to put my hand on his back or arm while talking to him. It really makes a difference to me and shows him I care (and we had the "bad touch" talks too). So it upset me when he was doing what I really hoped he would - trying to be a good friend and give a sad person a hug - turned out so bad he had to not finish the week of camp. I had a very hard time explaining to him what he did "wrong", and he never understood.

I sympathize with the boyfriend thing, and dont think its cute either (even at 11 or 12 or 13 I dont think its appropriate) and a "backrub" could be inappropriate (though I rub my sons back while he lays on the couch watching tv if I am sitting with him). But I dont want to give him the impression that you cant ever touch someone either... I secretly think if someone had insisted on giving the columbine kids a true, honest "I love you" hug every day, things might have turned out differently :) Human contact is necessary...

I dont know what to tell you, just giving another point of view. Good luck to you!!

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to me it means he is being raised in a loving caring environment. Where real respect is demonstrated. My daughter had a friend in kindergarten that would rub her hair back away from her face when they laid down for naps, it was the only time she would actually sleep. They imitate what they see or have experienced at home. More children need to know that true caring requires giving; hence, the back rub or rubbing the hair. Be glad his parents are demonstrating real love and not lustful actions in front of him

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My daughter attends a Lutheran preschool and the teacher there is a BIG hugger and so therefore, so are all the kids. Frankly, I don't see anything wrong with the hugging at this point and if anything, I think it has driven home the point of being empathetic with the children. I know that's not something I was taught so I can sometimes come off as cold, calluse and calculating which really isn't the case.

I would encourage you to talk to your daugher about appropriate touches and mention the back rubs to the teacher.

You know, I never thought much about the whole boyfriend/girlfriend issue...I know I didn't have one like this until I was in 2nd grade and even then it was because we'd sit next to eachother during lunch! LOL... the innocence of our youth has truly been lost so I agree that your daughter should be educated but I don't think it should be at the loss of being a sympathetic/empathetic person. If we teach our children not to touch eachother then how on earth will they ever learn to reach out to their companions when they need it (either from being hurt or contgratulations for a job well done?)? It is a conundrum I won't say I have mastered but this is certainly the forum to hear what others think about it and I look forward to seeing what others will post. It dismays me to read what happened to the boy whose friends were huggers...frankly I think those girls ought to have some form of punishment for allowing it to go as far as it did.

As for your having a pain in your stomach...no I don't think you are overracting...gone are the days of our innocence and having the boyfriend/girlfriend holding hands on the playground... I've heard from other parents in our local public schools that kids in my area are having sex at the ungodly age of third grade and some girls are evening getting their periods at that age too! So, yes, you have a right to be concerned. But my opinion is to educate her and make her smart without stripping all the innocence away.

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If you dont like it, you should mention it to the teacher. But dont couch it as the kid is doing something intentionally bad. He may not realize that this behavior would be unacceptable to someone. It doesnt sound like it was sexual, and among 4 year olds, it probably wasnt. My almost 3 year old likes to hug everyone, girls or boys, sometimes a little over-enthusiastically (she's knocked a couple of kids down), so we've had the talk about touches some people like and dont, and she's pretty cool about it. just dont use language that is too specific with her. Good luck.

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I would speak with the teacher about him rubbing her back. It is definitely something he has seen, so he's doing the same thing, of course. But the teacher should step in and tell him that this is not appropriate. Little ones will pick up on a lot that they see at home or see on TV. At one time, I had one little four-year old girl ask me if I kiss my husband with my mouth open. I had a three-year old girl tell little boy the other day as she was swinging, "I am going to hit you, sucker." It is at these points that teachers need to step in and gently explain that these are not appropriate behaviors.

As for calling someone a boyfriend, I would not worry too much about that. I see little ones all the time "get married." My own six-year old has a huge crush on Elizabeth Swann from Pirates of the Caribbean. But I do think rubbing the back goes a little far and needs attention.

K.

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I don't think it's cute! I think this is a good time for a conversation about "good" and "bad" touching. Not that rubbing someones back is bad touching, it just isn't appropriate, especially at that age.
I would maybe talk to her teacher about it and tell her that it makes you feel uncomfortable. I cannot imagine something like that going on under a teacher's supervision...

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You need to talk with the teachers at this place. I'd worry terribly about having these 2 children together. This boy has seen some things he should not have and who knows what he's going to do if left alone too much with any other child, girl or boy. We live in a scary world full of too many bad images and kids see and hear way too much today.

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It's obvious that your daughter has heard about boyfriends somewhere. I suggest that if you have a problem with this activity, you go to the pre-school and have a talk with her teachers. This is a parenting issue. You have to explain to your children what you feel is appropriate and what is not appropriate. If she is at pre-school, the teachers should respect your thoughts and continue to let the children know that it is not appropriate.

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I'am happy to read that you don't think it's cute because it makes my stomach curl when parents think that it's ok to hug their classmates or hold their hand well the Hell with that.I'm not going to let someone touch my children regardles if they are the same age if they don't like it. My kids so far back away or put their hands out and say no.It is very important that we set personal space rules early & teach them good touch and bad touch.It's not a weird question..

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I agree with others who said that it's a good time to start the good/bad touch talks. When my boys were young I did worry a lot about them, but mostly about stranger abduction--certainly not about their friends hugging them! I totally understand us wanting to protect our children from harm but I want to say it is so doggone SAD that all of us have to be so wary! It's understandable for sure, just sad that kids and young people can't express affection, offer consolation, or just be friendly without fear of some kind of retribution or false accusation.

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It's probably not anything really bad but the little boy should not be putting his hands on her nor should anyone else. Talk to the teacher and let her know your concerns. The little boy's parents need to know too. They will probably be offended but there are "no touching" policies in most schools now. An example: My 16 yr old son goes to school every day and gets bombarded by his female friends with hugs. They are all huggers and all say "i love you" every time they all part ways, even when I'm there. (I think it's silly but this is the thing in school now) One day during lunch, one of the female friends came up to him and his other friends and hugged him. He hugged her back and some other girl got jealous. About an hour later he was called into the office and the friend and the jealous girl were there and had reported that he sexually harassed his friend. He was interrogated off and on all day by the police officers that reside in his school (none of them called me). By the end of school, he was arrested and I ended up downtown taking him out of juvi. My son is a youth group leader in his church and one of the sweetest and most kind kids you've ever met. He was really traumatized by this. Both girls recanted their statements the next day of their own free will and it turned out that there was "something" between the girls and his friend was talked into the accusation. Sorry for the long story, but I told my son on many occasions, he is taking a risk by hugging his friends at all during school or on campus. He believes me now. The saddest thing is that the girls who do this rarely get pointed out or sent to the office. If a boy does it, he is automatically guilty of something. Some boys probably are but not all of them. As a mom of both, I teach them all to refrain from showing any kind of affection to anyone at school, no matter how innocent.

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I agree with the other mamas...now is the time to begin talking to her about "good touches" and "bad touches". You need to teach her that ANY touch that makes her uncomfortable is a "bad touch". No...there is nothing sexual about rubbing your back, at least there doesn't have to be anything sexual, but if it makes her uncomfortable...or seems inappropriate then it is a "bad touch". I would also follow up with the teacher about this, it is probably totally innocent on the little boys part but he needs to understand that he has to respect others feelings.
R. Ann

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Hi M., I think that you are right in letting your little girl know that at 4 it's not a boy friend. It's a friend that happens to be a boy. I have a boy crazy 6 year old and me and her daddy are always telling her that she's too little for a boyfriend and there is plenty of time for that later. Now my girl is usually the more agressive one when she finds a boy that catches her fancy (she chases them on the play ground and has kissed them - poor boys). So have had many talks about keeping her hands and lips to herself. even though it's the boy that was rubbing her back I think you could have the same talk to her about how the boy and her need to keep their hands to their selves. Also, talk to the preschool teacher and let her know that you are concerned about the touching. Make it clear that you don't think they need to be kept apart, but that you don't find the touching and back rubbing OK. My daughter's 1st grade teacher has been a great help for us. She found a couple of boys that could care less about my girl and her flirting. She said one doesen't care and the other doesen't get it so she sits Natalee with them and they don't pay any attention to her. Keeps her focused on school. But keep leting her know that no boyfriends at this time. She can have friends that are boys but no boyfriends. Good luck and God Bless!

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So many people automatically ask a child who their girl/boy friend is like that's the normal thing to have as a child. Little child even. I think this causes kids to think it's the thing to do. I know from my days in early elementary school that it can become more than a back rub as I saw kids doing very bad things. I know not all do but they are learning things from home and some come from not so good homes, and see and hear things they never should see or hear. I always told our kids they have girl 'friends' or boy 'friends' not girlfriends and boyfriends. They need to learn to be friends with both sexes but not in that way. Even a child who is thinking in terms of boy/girlfriend can think things they shouldn't when having a back rubbed or kissing another child that so many call innocent. Try to stress the 'friend' part and if that's the thinking a touch on the back would be fine, not a rub though. Kids see so much and learn so much now that it's hard to teach them this.

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My daughter is 3 1/2 and lately this topic has been on my mind as well. When she was an infant we talked about a friend's baby boy being her "boyfriend" but as she has grown I've realized it's not cute. Things like that are, for the most part, innocent enough as preschoolers. However, I realized the other day that things like having boyfriends as preschoolers promotes the thought that they need to have a boyfriend as they go through adolescence and the teen years. I'm not an absolute prude, but I think that 4 is much too early.

As for the back rub, I would approach it calmly and explain good touch/bad touch. Also that sometimes good touches can be bad if the situation isn't right. For example, a back rub between a husband & wife or parent & child can be good, but it's not appropriate at school. I would calmly mention to the teacher that this is going on so that she can monitor the situation. If it continues then the teacher should mention to the boy's parents that he has trouble understanding personal boundaries. At this point it is about learning, but I agree that these days you've got to be careful to raise kids who respect those personal boundaries.

God bless!

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Does anybody here long for the days when small children could be "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" and no one worried that it would lead to sex at the age of 12? All of this sounds very innocent and sweet, and yet, in the back of our minds we're all thinking that maybe this boy is being raised by perverts who're grooming him to be the next sexual predator. In this day and age, talking to your daughter about good and bad touching is a necessity, but at age 4, is it good to label kids who, for example, play doctor as budding sexual deviates? We live in a sick world, folks, and it gets worse all the time.

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M.-

I do not think it's a big issue if your daughter thinks this boy is her boyfriend. If you hear anything going beyond the back rubbing, I would talk to the teacher. It could be as simple as he's seen his father giving his mother a back rub and associates that with liking/loving someone. I am one of those 'nuts' who think it's cute when pre-schoolers or younger kids have a boyfriend/girlfriend because I remember being young and feeling the same way. I did have a 'boyfriend' at 5 but all that meant was that there was a boy I liked (when most boys had cooties) and he liked me and it was left at that. I would just leave it be and before you know it, they won't even like each other or he'll develop cooties. But I do not think you should tell her that she shouldn't have a boyfriend because of her age. She doesen't even know what 'having a boyfriend' means so even though she says it, she doesn't 'get it'.

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Yes, you are over reacting. LOL.
4-year-olds naturally touch and hug and hold hands and sometimes even kiss (appropriately). Little ones are much more honest with their feelings than we are, and they need more touching for comfort and security. This is normal, and not scary or inappropriate in any way.

Now is a good time to gently teach your daughter the difference between what is an "OK" touch, and what is not. For the "not" don't freak her out with too much info, just tell her it is not polite. She'll accept that at her age, and you can give further explanation when she is older and wants to know more.

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