Weekend Away with a Friend

When your son is grown do you think he will have greater memories of a soccer game or a day on the lake with a friend? He may discover while he is there that he has a real love of being on the water and may be an avid boater(as we are) his entire life. There is nothing more relaxing then a day on the water. I understand your anxiety I have been there more than once myself however it is unfair to hold our children back because of OUR fears.My children would never go anywhere or do anything if I made decisions based on my fears. Keep in touch with your son while he is there and you will be glad you let him go when he comes home and has great stories to share with you. Also at some point we have to trust our own parenting, knowing that we have taught them well.

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I think we should do things in order of importance. I know we don't always but we should. First communion should be over all other things. Since he has already made a commitment to soccer that should be next. It was probably planned before the birthday boating/tubing event. Also gut feelings need to be added in. I would have a hard time with that one! But being only 10 I think I'd want my child with me rather than on a lake somewhere without me! I would not get any rest at all if my daughter was in that situation.....unless I was also invited to keep an eye on her. LOL
mddhf

My oldest is only 6 so we're a ways away from a sleepover. However, we own a lakehouse and live there during the summer and almost every weekend during the spring/fall when the kids are in school. My son always asks to have friends over for an afternoon of boating fun. We usually invite the entire family the first time so they can get to know us better and to show them we're responsible boaters. It's usually enough to alleviate any fears.

We have a collection of life jackets... we have at least 4 life jackets in each size infant, child (30-50 lbs) and youth (50-90 lbs) and keep them in the house. They are in the house because we don't let anyone under 15 anywhere near the water without a life jacket. We don't care how good of a swimmer they are -- if they are on our property/dock/boat they are wearing a life jacket near the water. The state law says children under 13 need to wear a life jacket on a boat that's not tied to a dock. We make the kids wear a life jacket at all times on the dock or boat. Even though my son is a great swimmer and swims laps in the pool, he never has to be reminded to get his life jacket before walking out the door to the water - he just knows. Also, everyone, even adults, need to wear a life jacket while being towed on a tube or ski.

Anyways... talk with the parents. Make sure they know the law (they probably do). Find out if they have a life jacket your son can use the entire time (most boating families I know have lots of extras). Talk with them about your concerns. They won't be put off by it - I never am. Let your son know that he MUST behave on the water/boat like no goofing around and that he MUST wear a life jacket. Your son will have alot of fun. It can be scary and to be honest I'm glad we're the ones with the boat so I can keep an eye on my kid. I still kinda worry a bit when he goes swimming in a pool with friends even though he's a great swimmer. It's part of being a parent, I guess. :-)

I think you should go with your gut instinct. He's your child and you need to do what you feel is best. He's only 10 and has plenty of time to do weekend trips with friends as he grows older and more independent. You could let him take small steps now, like an overnight with a friend, day-long outings that don't involve something that would "freak you out" so much, etc. If you are friends with the mother, maybe you and your son (and other family members?) could go to the lake with them some day and he could do all those things while you're close by. Plus, you have the perfect out with him having other activities already scheduled.

I think it would be fine to let him go. You need to let go some and let him have some independence. The other commitments he has aren't until Sunday and seeing as he would be home on Saturday you should let him go. There are accidents and death everyday everywhere. You can't let that interupt your life nor can you let that interupt your sons life. It is time to let go and let him go have fun for the weekend.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7, and 4.

I go with my gut, UNLESS I know my gut is being irrational, which does happen. If your gut is telling you don't let him go because YOU can't handle it, that is different than telling you not to go because you feel he would be in danger, unsafe, unsupervised, etc.

Talk to the family in great detail about what their rules are about safety and also make your rules clear to them and your son - in the same conversation. I assume your son is not afraid of the water and knows how to swim.

As for missing soccer, unless it's a big tournament or something, kids miss sports. While it's important to show up as much as you can since you made a commitment to the team, it's ok to miss a game/practice on occasion for one time events. If you don't allow that, then you'd never go anywhere - with multiple kids in sports throughout the year you have to allow the occasional absence so you can enjoy time with friends and family when these rare opportunities arise.

Firstly if it will interfere with communion and that is obviously important to you then don't let him go. as for soccer whats one game in the big picture, it will still be there and a birthday party like this doesn't happen every day.
Now for your other worries, can your son swim, and swim well, do you trust the parents hosting the party, do you trust your son? I have a 9 year old and if they were close friends of mine i'd let him go, i'd call and worry the whole time, but i'd let him, but he knows his limits and isn't a dare devil at all, the exact opposite really so i know he'd be careful.
Depending on just how you feel about it you could compromise, let him go and pick him up early, or go yourself and stay for a bit and just bring him back with you, that way he can still get the fun and you won't worry so much. good luck.

Make no mistake, lakes can be very dangerous places. However, I'm guessing if the family has a lake house they are well aware of precautions to take to have a safe time while doing water activities. You can call the mom and ask her some questions like if the kids will be provided with life jackets (I'm sure they will). I can understand the separation anxiety, I think every parent has it. IMO, the only way to start to get over it,is to let them go. Make sure the mother understands that your son has Communion on Sunday morning and he needs to be back at a reasonable time on Sat so he can rest. Try to find something to occupy your day on Sat so you're not just sitting around worrying. Go shopping! That always helps me ;)

Hi L.,
I think you're reaction is a normal one. Is your son a good swimmer? If not, would feel more comfortable if you required him to wear a life jacket while out in the water? I would also talk over your concerns with the parents of the birthday boy. If they know your concerns they are more likely to keep an eye on your son. You will definitely need to talk to you son about water safety too.

If you it would make you feel better, would talking to him by cell phone while he's gone help?

I think that you'll need to judge if your son is able to handle this, if not then I don't think you should let him go.

10 is old enough in my opinion to be able to enjoy stuff like this, especially just over one night. You can't be paranoid everytime your child does something physical that he's going to get hurt. You'll drive yourself mad! Let him go have fun, I LOVE water sports! And to be honest, I have never found it to be dangerous.

If you know these parents well and trust that they'll take care of him as well as they would their own, you need to let him go to the sleepover. Your fears of the lake should not be conveyed to him because that could lead him to a life of unnecessary pain as he watches all of his friends having fun while he stews and brews about a bad thing that is not going to happen. Proper positive instruction on lake safety (never go to the lake alone; without life jacket, etc.), and everything should go just fine for him! You need to keep yourself busy during those 48 hours too, so that you're not a basketcase when he walks in the door :)

All i want to say, and as hard as it will be, you just have to let go and let him be independent. If you trust the parents of the friend, then by all means let him go. They will take care of him like they do their own son. Please let us know what you decide!

If he REALLY cannot miss the other committments, then there's your answer. But if you are using them as an excuse? I'd say, how well do you know and trust the parents? How well does he swim? Can he call you every night just to check in? To easy your nerves? Also make sure that the other parents have a signed release to make medical decisions for him if they are going to be far from you. Accidents happen even in the most precautious of cases, and you want to make sure that he gets the best medical attention if he were to need it! I always plan for the worst, and pray for the best!We took a friends child on vacation. Got a relase from the pediatrician, and just keep blank copies in case we ever need them again. If you guys are not comfortable signing that...again,there's you answer.

Always trust your gut instinct, that is why God gave it to us. Do not feel badly about your hesitation. I have 2 teens and 1 preteen and I always remind myself, I am here to be their mother, not their friend. That will come later when they are responsible enough to make and be accountable for their own decisions. Stay true to your heart!!

L.,
I can understand your anxiety-it's hard NOT to worry. Let him go. Ask the friends parents to make sure he doesn't go near the water without a life jacket (buy one so he'll have his own) and adult supervision. If he's never been tubing tell them that so they won't assume he knows how. Tell him the same things: no getting in the water without life jacket or when adults aren't around, etc.
Say lots of prayers and call him every night to see how it goes!
Good Luck!
R.

I understand your worry, but try to relax and let him go. You can't protect him forever, and he NEEDS to know you trust him.!!!!! That will be a biggy for the upcoming teen years.

If you can, give him your cell phone and have him call you after he is there and on Saturday.

Hi L.,

My daughter is at that age, too. I know my decisions will always be based on the trustworthiness of the parents, and if I am the parent-in-charge, I have to respect the other parents' worries as well.

This is when we have to slowly, gently LEEETTT GOOOOO :(

If you can, and you are comfortable w/ the parents, maybe drive separately to the lake house to watch a bit of your son's water activities....that does sound fun. Maybe videotape a bit, take pics. But yes, Stress to both parents AND your son that a lifejacket is a must.

I never have, and still don't, like or approve of trampolines! Yet the same friend who has always has one was a bit nervous when I called to ask if her daughter and mine could take a walk around our safe neighborhood. (Most neighbors are teachers, church people, retirees, yes there's alway the slight chance...but my daughter walks to school so she has earned this trust.) So, every mom is different as to what makes her heart skip a beat.

Also ask the parents how sleepovers usually go, as far as actual sleep. How will this affect your son for his Sun commitment? Let them know you are depending on a specific time for him to be home Sat eve, and they need to respect that.

You also have the right to ask if the parents drink alcohol while at the lake, or anything else you don't approve of like smoking.

Just my thoughts,
K.

If you know this family well andyou like them... send him. There is noth=hing wrong with you asking, do you need another set of eyes? I would be willing to join you guys and help out. I know how hard it can be and with water etc... so you don't sound psycho ( just kidding) and they may take you up on it! Or ask how many adults will be there they may already have extra help and lots of eyes to putyour mind at rest.

Been there, done that. You have to start letting go at some point. He will still be home to go to Church on Sunday. He may miss this soccer game, but it's only one. He needs to know that he has friends and can do things with them. He can't be tied to your apron string forever and not be allowed to do anything away from you on his own. If he is not allowed to do things, he could withdraw into himself and never go anywhere or have any friends later in life. I wasn't allowed to do much as a child and now I really don't care if I do anything much outside of the house. I had no choice with my daughter because of my divorce, and she has turned out a great woman. She is married, has 4 beautiful kids that are very active, she is very active herself, and I am so happy I didn't make every excuse in the book for her not to do something. She is very active in things and I am very glad for that. About the only thing outside of the house I have is a job (don't socialize much), and Church and Church choir. Hope this helps you.

How well do you know and trust the parents? As them about safety measures they enforce. That's NOT being too nosey. If this is a family does this on a regualr basis (boating, etc.) and you have no problem w/ them as parents, etc. I'd let him go. It will be good for BOTH of you.

How big of a deal is missing the soccer game? Does first communtion HAVE to be that day?

Some of my most treasured memories are of being at the lake with friends and family....boating, skiing, hanging out. I only with there were more!

I do understand your concerns. My parents have had a place on the river for many many years, and my aunt has had a jet-ski for many of those years. When we were younger, my grandparents kept the life-jackets in the house - we'd put them on before going down to the dock. When we were old enough and knew how to swim, they were kept on the boat (used to have a houseboat, then a yacht).

First, talk to your son - see if he really wants to go; let him know that he did make a commitment to the team, and find out his view on if the game is important one or if he can miss it (it's different if he's a starter vs. warms the bench). Then let him know that the First Communion is pretty important...and that it's even more important that he not miss that. Let him know you have some concerns that you want to talk to the other parents about as far as water safety and all, and will have to consider it given the other prior commitments too.

Ask the parents if they go out on the lake often? Who's driving the boat? Is that person licensed to do so? Will the kids be wearing life-preservers while they're in the water/on the lake/in the boat/whatever? Talk to them about your concerns and see if that helps. Let them know about the soccer game (which is important, but can really be missed) and First Communion commitment (which is really important)...that you don't want to be put in the position of having them call Saturday night saying they're going to stay another day and then your son will miss his First Communion.

I'd say when all that's done, make the best decision you can given the information you have at the time.

Good luck!

He will be back in time for first communion. You need to decide if it's okay to miss the soccer game or not.
I have a 9-1/2 year old. I know how hard it is to let them have some independence and to let go but this is the age where we have to do it. If we don't, they will go wild once they do have some freedom or they won't know how to make good decisions. He is going to be with other adults. I would go over the safety issues of these activities with him and let him know how important it is to wear a life jacket and respects the water. I would make sure the other mother will make sure he wears a life jacket. This sounds like it would be a lot of fun and ashame for him to miss out on such a good time. Let him go!

L.

From one separation anxiety freak to another, please don't stifle your beautiful son. He will not understand and soccer is a game at this age that coaches know children will miss. There are other games next weekend but this friend's birthday is only once a year. Maybe by going over night tubing will help your son discover what he wants to be or do when he grows up. Maybe he will help someone who needs help. Positive possibilities are endless. Keep yourself busy the time he is gone, watch your favorite movie, go dancing with a friend, eat a romantic dinner out with your husband, whatever you do, keep yourself from thinking negative. Positive thoughts bring positive energy-your children can feel it. I thought I needed therapy for a long time too, now I get teased for it, we just simply love our children and want to be with them but let him go, he will love you even more for it I promise!

Hi L.. I understand what anxiety can feel like. It's no fun for you. But I agree with others who think you should let your son go. If he truly has other commitments that he can't miss for a valid reason, then of course he should keep those. If it's just a matter of your anxiety, then I would say to let him go and find a way to decrease your anxiety. Talking with the other boys parents might help as others have suggested. Sooner or later you will have to allow him to become more independent, which you already know. It is great that you recognize this, and want to let him do so in spite of your own fears. You're right that there seems to be a lot of deaths on lakes. However, statisticly speaking there are more accidents that happen either at home or within 5 miles of it than any place else. You can't be with him all of the time in order to protect him, which I'm sure you are aware of. And the older he gets the more truth there is in that. Again, I'd talk with the boys parents. If they have a cell phone that they plan on carrying when they're not in the water, and gets a signal wherever they are going, then maybe you could just call once or twice to check on how things are going. I don't think that would be an outrageous thing for you to do at his age. I don't know if I've helped any, but I hope so. I hope everything works out okay for both of you.

I too am a psycho-overprotective mom. My 12yr old is not allowed to ride his bike out of the driveway without taking a walkie-talkie with him! We have a code word and everything! Don't be afraid to share your feelings with the other mom. Let her know your concerns and expectations. I hate to say it, but I probably would not let my 10 yr old go. I would have to know the other mom well enough to know she would not let either child be out there with too much horseplay going on.

Hi L.,
Is it your instinct telling you that he should not go? Or do you just feel you will have separation anxiety? I am a huge proponent of following your instinct, so if your gut is telling you that he should not go, then I say use his other commitments as an excuse. However, if you feel that you are just being overprotective and/or irrational, then I think you should let him go, but make sure you can get in touch with him regularly to make sure he's okay (and make yourself feel better).

Good Luck!
A.