Wedding Etiquette Dilemma

I think that is kind of rude that your sister is letting some of your family members bring their kids but her bridesmaid cannot bring her three yr old. I think that if she doesn't want kids at her wedding, she should not allow ANYONE to bring kids... If i were the bridesmaid, i would feel very hurt.... if you are a bridesmaid in a wedding, i would consider that a very close friend, almost like family....

6 moms found this helpful

The BIG problem, as I see it, is that Mom is in The Wedding Party.

If she were a regular attendee... fine... no children. But in the party itself, when she was ASKED to be, she should have been told, so she could graciously decline to be a bridesmaid (esp. as family is allowed to bring children), or accept on the bride's terms.

To compound the problem, the bride has put the bridesmaid in a TERRIBLE position, by not outright telling her... but just sort of stringing her along with hints.

A wedding invite that does not specifically say "No Children" or "Only children who are in the wedding party" can be taken either way. Although, the bridesmaid would fall into the 2nd category, so purposefully excluding her children when other members of the wedding party can have their children there is outright insulting. But if the invites were not specific about a no-children policy, your sis should expect at least 10-30 children per every 100 adults to be brought along or RSVP'd along with their parents.

One of my brothers is getting married this summer. If it were a "no children" wedding, quite frankly, even though he's my favorite... we would not be attending. Granted, we have to travel, so instead of just having to spend 100-200 on childcare, we'd have to spend several thousand. If it were local, I might be able to see dropping a couple hundred on overnight babysitting... but more likely... I either wouldn't attend, or would attend solo (sans hubby). But it's a very awkward position to be in as a parent and a spouse. When both are invited, but through miscommunication, only one actually gets to attend, unless they're willing to drop a couple hundred to a couple thousand on childcare.

Hints don't work for people who have to spend money and book time. They need to KNOW. And know quite some time in advance.

I'm sorry to say, but rather than the bridesmaid putting your sister in a difficult position... your sister has put her friend in one. Unintentionally, I'm sure.

5 moms found this helpful

Anyone in the wedding party should be treated like family and her daughter should be allowed to attend. They could certainly have a chat about having the little girl go out with grandma or her dad when she gets tired,and keep in mind that mom will be busy with wedding activities.

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I am totally ok with NO kids at the wedding, but if she is going to do that then she needs to do it for everyone. A bridesmaid should be a close enough friend that she and her children should be "like family" to your sister. Otherwise why the heck was she asked to be in the wedding.
Just my 2 cents.

3 moms found this helpful

Well, she can just be honest and say we only invited kids of immediate family because if we did not limit it, we would have a really big number of kids, and I really prefer to have more of an adult atmosphere celebration. I assume this is a close friend, and she should already know the bride's feelings on this touchy subject, she isn't being a very good friend for asking if her child can come anyway, in my opinion. After the bride explains her feelings, she should back down. If not, the bride can just say as nicely as possible, "no, I'm sorry, we're sticking to the kids of immediate family only rule because if I say yes to you, I'd have to say yes to 15 more guests. Please understand and help me out with your support on this." If she still gets mad, I'm sorry, she isn't the kind of friend I'd want. She already has a babysitter. I'm sure she thinks the 3 year old would get a kick out of the whole wedding thing, but it isn't about her.

I think your sister put herself in a tough spot by allowing 5-8 family member children, but no others. It seems like the situation is just set up to create hard feelings. Anyone who wanted to bring a child, but could not, will see those other children, and there is a good chance a handful will be irritated. If them, why not mine?

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I think she should have made it no kids at all if she didn't want kids there. Is one little girl going to make the dance floor a romper room? I think your sister should decide if she wants to risk hurting her friend who must be pretty close to her since she's in the wedding party over one more kid?

I personally would take advantage of having a sitter and enjoy myself at the reception if I was her friend :)

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Your sister should not just hint that children are not invited. She should be clear about it. She can say it in a nice manner also. The reason the girl keeps asking is because she needs a clear answer.

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My opinion, and opinions can certainly be different, is that weddings are about family.
Family is young, old, and everything in-between.

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I have to admit, this post made me a little sad and angry. I think it is sad your sister doesn't want kids at her wedding. Especially a 3 year old little girl. I recently took my daughter (gasp) to a wedding and she had a GREAT time. She wasn't in the way nor did she turn the dance floor into a romper room. She just celebrated with the rest of us. And admired the dress, cake and decorations of course.

Kids are not a nusence, they are little people (who know how to have a good time) and should be allowed everywhere we are. I can honestly say I would excuse myself from your sisters wedding if my kids couldn't come.

PS. The reason she wants to bring her daughter is because her daughter is 3 and would LOVE to be at a wedding. Her momma just doesn't want her to miss it.

3 moms found this helpful

I think that if any kids are coming, why does one more make a difference? But I also understand wanting to keep it adult. However, if the nieces and nephews are coming, and it's 5-8 kids, thats already a decent amount. So it would be 6-9 kids...not a big difference. I had two close friends get married when my youngest was 5 weeks and then 7 weeks old. I was not leaving him at home at that point, and they knew that. Because he was so little, it was fine with both of them. My other two, then 2 and 4, stayed at home with my sister as a sitter. I don't know. I just think if any kids are coming, then any should be allowed to come. I can't imagine not having kids at my wedding. It's a family celebration day and everyone is responsible for themselves. But if it is a no kid wedding, then it needs to be a NO KID wedding...thats just my take!

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Personally I think it is rude for your sister to invite some kids (just because they are family) and not others. You either invite them all or none of them. I didnt want kids at my wedding, but we kind of had to because of the family and so many people were traveling out of town. So we let everybody who had kids bring them (some chose to leave them with sitters so they could have adult time) I am so glad I had everybodies kids there. It made the wedding that much more fun. To see all those kids dancing and having such a good time was a blast. I think it even helped with the adults wanting to dance.
Personally I think your sister should just let her friend bring her daughter. If she is the bridesmaid too, it just makes it that much easier. Im sure the mom will be responsible for her daughter.

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From the sounds of it she already know is it would be wrong and hurtful. I have been to many formal weddings, none of which excluded children.

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I think it's all or nothing. No kids or who ever has kids can bring them. It's not fair you can bring your children but another of the bridesmaids can't.

It is her weeding though and she has to live with her decisions. If she doesn't want her friends children at the wedding she is going to have to tell her no.

She chose the menu and the cost. It'snot fair to include only certain people and exclude others. I would never pay $350 a plate for adults and children alike. It sounds like all the children should stay at home.

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When I got married we didn't want kids going either, except for our neice and nephew who were in the wedding party. It was less of a problem for us since most people didn't have kids yet. However, the kids made the wedding more fun. And now that I have little ones who were recently invited to a wedding, I realize how great it is to have them there. My kids and the other kids were adorable, dancing and all dressed up. I guess this sounds like a formal expensive wedding, but your sister should not have to pay the adult charge for the children! First of all, they don't drink alcohol. Second, they get cheaper, smaller kids meals. So if that is a main reason why, she should talk to the caterer and find out what the kids meals cost. I would be shocked if they cost $350!

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Hi Mary Beth,

I have personal experience with this problem. My own brother's wife FORBADE children at their wedding. At the time of their wedding, my son was 3 1/2 years old and would have made the cutest ring bearer! She refused and my husband and I were very pissed. We said that he wouldn't even be in the room for the ceremony - just walk down the aisle and then be escorted out of the room to wait with a babysitter until the reception. The answer was still no. My point is this - tell your sister to allow her friend's daughter to come to the wedding (not the ceremony, b/c it is tough for 3 year olds to be quiet - but to the reception). It really isn't a big deal to have one more child on the dance floor. I promise you that your sister will be on cloud 9 at her reception, and she won't even notice one more child in the room. Tell your sister not to ruin her friendship with her bridesmaid over such a silly thing. She will have the time of her life at her reception, and she will blink and it will already be all over. I PROMISE you (and her) that she won't have a care in the world, will be so happy, and won't even notice the kids (or one extra). This is a very minor issue and it would be a shame to cause strain between her and her bridesmaid.

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No. She should tell her friend that if she lets her bring her kid she'll have to let a lot of people do the same. She'll understand.

2 moms found this helpful

I think that her bridesmaid should be allowed to bring her kids. Your sister asked her a favor by asking her to be part of the wedding party and buy the ugle dress (all of those dress are ugle). Now she wants her to pay for a sitter when others will have there children at the wedding. Does not sound fair.

1 mom found this helpful

I had this dilemma as well. My reception card clearly said Adult Reception and I had several requests about kids. As the previous post said you need to be up front. The answer is no. If you make the exception for her then you have to for everyone else!!!! It is your wedding and if a formal one than etc. Stick to your guns because the dance floor DOES becomes romper room with kids...I know because the one wedding I went to with only a few children resulted in the same thing. The ring bearer and flower girl were goofing off pulling at eachother which resulted in kicking me and knocking me down and it was crazy!!!! I wanted to beat the blank out of them because it was embarassing plus a bruise on my shin it hurt! I know that there were people who didn't come to mine because of the kid thing but oh well! I can honestly say I had a fab wedding and the guests enjoyed the music, drink, dance and conversation!!

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Wow, it is just 1 more child and it IS one of her bridesmaids.. I think your sister could say something like, Yes, I would be fine with "cutie pie" being there, but who will watch her during the ceremony and the reception since you will be participating in the ceremony and some of the reception activities?

Is her husband attending? I assume she will have him watch the child, but I hope they have enough sense for the father to take her back to the hotel when the child becomes tired..

If there were not going to be ANY children, that would be easier to say, I am sorry, but we are not even allowing the children from my own family.

The other option is for sister to say, gee, it puts me in a strange situation, because I have told family members no children under he age of 5 could attend if they see "cutie pie" there, they may not be pleased.

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I have never been to a wedding that allowed any children that didn't also offer a child's meal plate of chicken fingers/french fries at much less than the price of an adult plate. A child of that age would never eat $350 worth of food ever!

I think a bride needs to say upfront to a bridesmaid (who is giving up significant money and time to be in the wedding), "You cannot bring your children to my wedding. The only children there will be the children in the wedding and children of immediate family members.". That would honestly give her an excuse to back out if she doesn't want to hire a sitter or go without her spouse.

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I would suggest that you give her the names of some babysitters and tell her that it is no children except for the wedding party and immediate family. period. I hate when people call and ask.... "oh and do you mind if so and so comes too" and that is not just for weddings it is also for birthday party and anniversary parties. if it was an open invitation it would have said so. and if this girl is in the wedding party she will have wedding party duties. her chasing after her children will not allow for that.

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It is your sister's day and your sister's friend so it is really her call. Since she is having a few children, what are their ages? If none are under 5, she could say "no children under 5 are allowed"...school aged. If they are 4 or under, I don't see a problem with one more especially since it is the child of someone in the wedding party.

When one of my uncles got married I was the only "child" there. His rationale was I was several years older than the next oldest of the nieces and nephews so he said "no one under 12"...I was the oldest and was like 13 and mature for my age so I didn't act like a child.

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I can understand the dilema, the answer can go either way but my advice is" Dont sweat the small stuff" is the best and happy day of her life, so to avoid any feelings being hurt reality is that what difference would it make to have two more children? Don't get me wrong and think that its ok, it ashamed that her friend don't get the hints, but just let it go and have a great day.

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Just tell the friend that she dosent want children there because it will be an "adult" event...im not sure how her family is doing the wedding but i know my families weddings are always full of drunk people. If there is alcohol there she can use that as an exuse.

1 mom found this helpful

No way just say no kids unless immediate family . Wouldnt she like a night
out without kids she must have someone who can watch her kids, i always
love invite that were just Mr and mrs NO and Familyl

I think it's very rude to ask to bring children who were not included in the invitation to a formal wedding reception. Your sister needs to stop giving hints and avoiding the issue - she needs to clearly state that the only children invited to the wedding are immediate family, her nieces and nephews. It is perfectly acceptable to not include children at all, to not be able to pay for lots of kids or not to include the children of extended family and your friends, and she does not need to offer an excuse. It is the bride's and groom's prerogative not to include children. It is perfectly fine for a wedding to be a babysitter event, I used babysitters for weddings until my oldest was babysitting age herself.
I understand that some responses are to the effect of "What difference do two more children make?" but it's not two more - it could be then that you'd need to invite your cousins' kids and fiance's cousins' kids and the kids of any friends the fiance has in the bridal party and it spirals from there

It's the bride's day. If she does not want these kids there the bridesmaid should find an alternative like a babysitter. This bridesmaids responsibllities should be on the bride that day not distracted by her kids.

We actually had a similar situation happen the WEEK OF MY WEDDING!
A guest asked if she could bring her 4 month old. We had a strict no kids policy except for a few immediate family children that were in the wedding. We told her politely that it wasn't safe for an infant and that we weren't having children at the wedding. I feel terrible that your sister feels bullied but she should be strong and say that it would be a great opportunity for the mom to have some time out!!! How about that angle? Its a challenge because you don't want to ruffle feathers but your sister should get what she wants on her day. Its not a day for kids. End of story. I am hoping the bridesmaid can understand. Not sure if its helpful....but I am hoping in some way, that it is!

I think that you should just call her and say that only your nieces and nephews are coming to the wedding since they are family.

She can blame whoever is paying!

And I have to say, I didn't want any kids at my wedding. It was a formal adult affair. The youngest kid there was my 4 year old niece who was a flower girl and that's it.

I will be getting married in 2 weeks 10-10-10. God Willing :) I sent out my invitations and added a line for Adult Fuction Only. The only children there will be my two 8 and 3 and my maid of honors 3 year old son. Everyone nows this. Even my sister-in-law whoes husband is the best man cannot bring there 4 children. I told them straight forward. We have way to many littles ones in our famalies. She needs to tell her. :)