Wedding Etiquette - Arlington,TX

She sounds a bit clueless more than anything.

Could be she has just not been brought up in a family that has many social situations?

Please try to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is not neglecting all of you on purpose, but is just not being guided very well.

Whenever you have a question concern or need, speak with your son and daughter in law.. start by saying, I was just wondering, Or, It dawned on me, or I was hoping..

Make it your need, not an attack or assumption.

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I think you need to have a serious discussion with your son. If his family isn't invited, I'd ask him why.

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You had your wedding, let her have hers.

THEY are making their own choices. THEY will have to live with the consequences.

And I'm a little confused as to how the husbands that didn't get invited to the bachelor party (your son's party) is her fault?

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In my humble opinion, the person paying calls the shots. On the one hand you say the responsibility of everything should be on the bride and the brides family, yet you seem to be perturbed that you weren't invited to all the festivities. It could be that attitude that has caused your invitations to be lost in the mail? Also, she could just be shy and not want to spend her evenings with people who are essentially, strangers. She's comfortable with her side of the family. She doesn't know yours very well and may be stressed about the thought of mixing you all together for multiple engagements. The wedding is going to be stressful enough.

Man, you'd have been ticked at me if I were marrying your son! I grabbed my husband and eloped because I just can't stand all this rigmarole. My mother was upset at not getting to be the mother of the bride and gave me an earful after she found out. My sister was upset she didn't get to be in the wedding as well but overall, it was worth their irritation to have my married life launch as stress free as possible.

His family didn't seem to care one way or the other. No one was out any money, no one had to sit through another dumb "look at me" party and I didn't have to embarrassingly be on display in front of a lot of people when I'd rather be doing something else. Win win win. ;)

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My now SIL was not a part of my wedding at all. She was an invited guest. It's not because I didn't like her (I did), she lived 800 miles away and I didn't know her. It was MY wedding and I wanted to have MY choice of who would be in my wedding party.

You really need to step back from all of this. My MIL was a nightmare during my planning- she sucked so much of the fun out of it because I wasn't doing it HER way, or I wasn't following HER traditions. I nearly called the whole thing off because of her. Thankfully, my husband stepped in and told her to back off.

Bottom line: it's her wedding. It's her day. It's not her fault that the husbands weren't invited to the bachelor party- that fault lies with your son. She can do this however she wants. Please, for the sake of your future family, back off. Go and enjoy the day and tell her how lovely it was, no matter how hard that will be for you. Build a good relationship with her now or she will be complaining about you on Mamapedia. ;)

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I think it is her party and she can invite who she wants. I don't know why she would invite the grooms family to the Bachelorette party anyway. That is her last free hurrah. Not that she is going to do anything bad, but it is a party for her and her girlfriends to party before she marries and takes on a new responsibility in life. I think you are taking this all too personal.

Just curious if you are invited, will you, Grandma, and your daughter's all join her in getting plowed? Will you hold her hair back that night while she pukes? Will you hoot and holler at the black feathered panties & whip she gets? Do you really want to be there?

As for the clean up crew, just say no.

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Meant in kindness: I think there's probably a little of "doesn't get it and doesn't intend to be hurting people's feelings" on BOTH sides of the fence, here.

1) Bride doesn't plan the bachelorette party, the MOH does. Many of which are just close friends of the bride.

2) In all the weddings I've been close to: There are usually 2-3 wedding showers. 1 by the MOB, 1 by the MOG, and 1 at the bachelorette party. On this subject, you may have really hurt HER feelings that she's not important enough to your side of the family to host even a potluck brunch for her.

3) It's the groom's job to liase (aka deal with his side) if the Mother's aren't in constant contact. It sounds like one of y'all needs to get on the phone.

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I sounds like you are willing to hold petty things against your future daughter in law. I have to wonder what is the upside?

So she does things differently, so what?

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I think you should be happy that you don't have to be involved! And your daughters too. I would just say to her, "if you need anything then please let me know." Before you buy your dress, I would double check on the color and tell her that you are going to buy the "gold" dress and that is for sure the color because once you buy it that's it.
Yes, a bit insulting that your mom wasn't invited to the shower but I am going to guess that she is young and doesn't know any better?? Or that there was a limit to the # of people. Still, would have been nice of her to at least acknowledge the situation and maybe you could have offered to pay the extra. OR maybe your son should have asked her why his grandma wasn't invited to the shower?
All in all, best to stay out of the brides way and let her do the way she wants to do it. If your son is happy and she will be a good life-long partner than just be there to support.
And bachelor and bachelorette parties are nothing to get excited over. You or anyone else is not missing a thing.

2 moms found this helpful

It does seem a little weird. But...maybe she is just clueless? I would just sit down with her and have a heart to heart. Ask her what her plans are on inviting x and x and see what she says. Maybe she is completely overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do. Good luck!

M

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A wedding is the celebration of two families coming together to form one, and no matter who is doing the planning or paying, BOTH families should be involved in the celebrations. And the grandmothers should be honored guests! A wise MOB would counsel her daughter to include her new sisters-in-law in the wedding, perhaps as hostesses if not bridesmaides, but certainly not as cleaning help. She's obviously not getting this guidance. If the shower hasn't taken place, please call the hostess and ask if your mother can be included, as you're sure it was just an oversight. And you should speak with your son, asking him to speak to his bride about his sisters' roles. Unless they are in a role where all the others (such as bridesmades) pitch in to set up/clean up together, they shouldn't be expected to do that, certainly not as guests. I hope she is just young and clueless, but not good form to alienate your in-laws at the start! Good luck!

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I think Living life is spot on. I think she 1. has no idea and 2. is overwhelmed. I remember being completely amazed at how much is expected of me as a bride both from an relationship and financial standpoint. I was so blessed MY MOM told me what was up - ya know?
I think you have been wise not to mention anything because some of these requests may be related to money and she may be embarassed. . .
sometime invite her out to lunch/coffee. Just the two of you. Explain with all the planning you want to treat her to some down time and catch you up on all the plans and excitement. When you do meet ask her if there is anything you (family) can do to help or where does she need some support (NOT CLEANING - if she brings this up be prepared to say something to the effect that Well, the girls are guests and since you need that help, we'll take care of it, but it won't be the groom's sisters - think cleaning service or family friends, etc) Get to the bottom in a nice way.
Also, I agree, ask if your mom can come. I did have invitations that were lost in the mail (mortified!!) and people called to find out if they were invited to wedding (since they came to shower) only to receive them the day after the event (I mailed months in advance - mortified).
Best of luck. Blending a family is such a delicate act.
Kudos for biting your tounge during a stressful time :)

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A little odd.
Do all of your kids live nearby? Do they KNOW the bride?

I would expect that they would be invited to a shower (will there only be ONE shower?). Sometimes there is more than one shower and everyone isn't invited to the same ones....one might be by her close friends with just close friends, one might be more of a family type shower, etc. Is she thinking that you guys (you and/or one of your daughters) might be throwing her a bridal shower for family?
If she isn't close with your daughters, then perhaps the Bachelorette party is a bit too ...'personal'? Do your daughters DO that "kind" of party? Some don't, ya know?
As for the bachelor party, um... that is on your son. Why don't you ask him about that?

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She's probably clueless.

But if not... then if she is not including your Son's side of the family... then maybe it is her... or her... family, that is being that way.
Maybe her family.... pressures her or tells her what to do.
Don't assume it is "only" her.....

And, what part of all of this is your Son having? It is his wedding too... etc.

Speak to your son.

How well do you even know his Fiance and her family????
Do you all get along?

Seems like a whole lot of different expectations versus what is actually being done and no one really knows why. And the Bride... is doing as she wants or what her family wants... or maybe she doesn't know any better.
Or she does, and is just rude.
And hopefully, she is not this way always. Or, even after being married... well, will she continue to "omit" your Son's family???

Hopefully she is just very dense and clueless... or her family is telling her what to do.
And hopefully they are not all control freaks.

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Here is what you do. First, you just call her and ask her if you can bring your mother to the shower. This is a big deal! I hope your mom does not know yet and maybe you can just take her without hurt feelings. Second, you need to have your son step in. Have him talk to his bride-to-be and let her know the he would like his family included in these instances. It is customary to invite the grooms family to all of these events. You cannot keep your mouth shut on this, she obviously just does not know the rules.

You may even consider talking to her on a very nice level and let her know that these people want to participate.

Good luck!

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I definitely would have invited the Groom's grandmother to the wedding shower without a second thought. When I got married I did ask my future sis-in-law to help out with the wedding setup and clean up but for the most part I considered all of that part of the bride's family responsibility. I also did not invite my sis-in-law to the bachelorette party because she is about 5 years older than my husband, did not know any of my friends at all and probably would have felt completely out of place. My sister in law is a lesbian so I do have some extenuating circumstances regarding ettiquette but if you are uncomfortable with any of the things she is doing ask your son. Maybe he can swing it so you feel more involved. I would figure this out soon. You don't want to breed any resentment for the new family member from the get go.

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Your son needs to step up and point these things out. She may be clueless, but as her future husband, he has to remind her that his family will be her family too.

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No offense but for most events she has nothing to do with the guest list. I personally would hand my MOH a guest list that includes all the women from both sides of the family but that is how my mother raised me. She has, or should not have, any imput on the bachelor party and same with the bachelorette party - she probably only knows what to wear and when to show up. Honestly, most of this is out of her control and much is also probably due to her mother not teaching her the same as you were tought and women "breaking the rules" of ediquette left and right.

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My mother in law and father in law were begging to help us with our wedding, which I needed all the help I could get for setting up. Both my sister in laws were happy to help as well. I never had to ask, they offered.

I can understand not inviting the grooms sisters to the bachelorette party, she may feel like she can't cut loose with them there.

You need the most help on the actual wedding day.

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Sounds like your future DIL doesn't have a clue about what's proper and respectful. When it comes to the guys, don't sweat it - they don't care and it's not cool to try to force guys to be buddy-buddy. It's a girl thing, mostly. For the sake of your son's marriage, consider this whole thing innocently clueless rather than mean and vindictive.

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Wow, sounds like your future DIL has either been spoiled growing up or might just be selfish. I'm sorry you're going through this but this makes me all the more glad that my hubby and I eloped.

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Stay out of it.
It is your sons responsibility to get his sisters involved in the wedding...not his fiancé.
She has plenty on her plate and for you to expect her to think of including your daughters or even your mom is a little much in my opinion....she is probably expecting him to worry about his side of the family and help with that!

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I think shes crazy! Okay, maybe not the right word for her :-) She has a lot on her plate right now as the bride but she also has to think about other people. I am getting married in August and I am trying to involve everyone with everything, as long as they are willing. That must be why we have 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen! We are very family oriented and we are including everyone we can. We also have everyone doing equal parts and are including my family as well as his. Its a lot easier when you are close to them though. I am close with his family so I have no problem asking MIL questions or having her help me with anything. The bachlorette party you shouldn't worry about, she might not be comfortable having her SIL there depending on the "type" of party. As far as the shower, she really should have invited your Mom...I would invite her anyways...she will be Grandma soon! Your DIL might be overworked and not realize what she is doing, sometimes pointing it out can help but be careful just in case she turns into a bridezilla! Maybe try talking to your son and just tell him how you feel or how the family feels and maybe he can say something to her. He might know how to word it better to keep her calm about everything. Good Luck!

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My parents live in the same neighborhood as my parents. The only part of the wedding they were involved in was the picking of the tuxes, the rehearsal dinner - which they forgot about and ran to Subway :) - and the rehearsal.

Hubby's Aunt through a surprise shower for her side of the family. My family and hubby's parents were not there.

I can completely understand why she wants only her close friends at her bachlorette party.

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I understand her not having your daughters in her wedding party, I didn't. But I did ask them if they wanted to hand out bulletins and they did, and my youngest sister in law was a flower girl, she was 8 at the time. But I also only had one attendant bc I had so many friends, and sisters of my husband etc, so I decided to keep it light in that dept and not hurt anyone. But she should not be asking for help pre wedding and she should be inviting they and their husbands to whatever parties are involved. Did she even ask you who you would like at the shower? She so should have, it is very important to find out what is important to your parents in my opinion. But in my case we only had a wedding for our parents. I was my mom's only daughter who would marry and my husband was his mothers first born and her only son. So we felt we should have a wedding for ourselves but mostly for them, so maybe that's why I feel that way. Take care and congrats!!!

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Okay, first off do you like her? Have you welcomed her easily to your family? Is she social person or socially awkward? who is financing the wedding. Rehersal dinner, and showers and bachelor/bachrlorette party? There is everything to consider before judgement. My first mil made me feel as I could't do anything right, always told me yet another of her family and friends but never offered a dime for MY wedding as it
became her event. We paid for it all and almost cancelled due to her cost overuns. Remember she is young and perhaps isn't following the etiquette books. Remember this is the start of a lkng relationship don't let her believe that you show any upset at her ways. My second mil and fil were amazing accepting people that took me for what I was good and bad and treated me better than their son. Felt like I had an actual seconx set of parents.

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It sounds to me like she is doing this intentionally, maybe trying to make a point. Have you had problems/tension in the past? Yes, this is "her" day, but she still needs to be sensitive to everyone else's feelings. Especially her groom's family! You need to talk to your soon and make sure he knows how you feel. Maybe you guys can collaborate on what would be the best way to approach this with her. Not inviting your Mother to the shower is just downright rude! I would think that would have really upset your son??? For those of the ladies that have responded and acted as if you didn't have a reason to be upset ("meddling MIL", "stay out of it", blah, blah, blah), that is ridiculous! You have every rIght to be upset, and I would be sure she knew that! Good luck!

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Hi i think you should first of all find out who is making these decisions, if it is the bride to be, then talk of each concern with her making sure your son is there too. This so atleast they are both in the picture, ( well, so she cannot change the story). I say this because my brothers got married a few years ago, one did not include his sisters in any of the preps for engagement party, instead he behaved as though he was more related to the bride's family. Second brother did exactly same thing, so us sisters just went to weddings as though we were guests. End result a lot of anger from my sisters, from me, i talk to them (brothers) as though they are strangers now. As for one sister in law, she was more than pleased with her plan... So you see, if you go along as though nothing is wrong, the marriage will take place and you will not enjoy it and i think it is a time when families should feel included not excluded. I doubt very much she does not know what she is doing. On the other hand, perhaps you could talk to your son, hopefully outcome will be positive before wedding.

I do hope that i have not offended with my post, just felt i wanted to answer,

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You need to be stepping on egg shells right now... play this game (because lets be honest this is her game).

For some reason she's pissed, and wants this to be known.

You don't want her to pit your son against you.... This happened to a good friend of mine & her son. The daughter in law is now 100% in control, She has 2 grandkids she never met & one on the way (they live 20min from each
other) I grew up with this family & I can say the son was their "golden child" it's a sad time for my friend.

just play it cool... do you think she's punishing you for something in the past??

PS she's not planning her own shower/bachlorette party... so you mean to tell me they have No common sense to invite the grooms family?

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Not that I'm that old (40s), one thing I've noticed in general about the younger generations is etiquette (in general) is not something they have much clue about. It's probably something that she should have been taught or learned on her own. At this point, that's moot.

What you can do is gently handle the situation. Personally, I'd explain the situations or things that are happening to her, doing it diplomatically. I would say it's an opportunity to guide and help.

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IMO, your future daughter-in-law is in a "can't have it both ways" situation. If she didn't involve your daughters in the wedding, she shouldn't ask them to set/clean up. They aren't in the wedding party and aren't really being treated like family. If I were them, I'd say looking forward to the wedding but we're unavailable for the rest. I might say that directly to my brother. To not invite your mother to the shower is unbelievably rude. While the MOH is the person who usually arranges everything, clearly she is going to get input from the bride. Maybe she just forgot, but the first thing one usually does is list the family on the invite list. But since that's in the past, there doesn't seem to be much point in bringing it up. Your son really should step up here though.

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Only a few things to point out:
1) Brides/Expecting-Mothers don't throw themselves showers. So how is it that SHE did not invite someone to something SHE (hope-to-god) did not organize?
2) Brides also do not throw/organize the bachelorette or bachelor parties. So again, not her doing the inviting.

I would say nothing. Better to be a little silently upset than to start off on the wrong foot with you new dil and her family. I personally would have invited my mil's mom to a shower, but it's her day. If I were one of your daughters, I would politely decline to set up or clean up unless I wanted to do it. Lastly, I would not have invited any of my husband's female relatives to my bachlorette party unless we had been good friends beforehand. That is a night for the bride and her closest friends to celebrate. The bride should be able to completely relax and have fun.