Wedding Blues

I wouldn't even buy an expensive television set without discussing it with my husband. We share our expenses so why wouldn't we share the decision on larger purchases? You should talk to your husband about this. I think you're more upset at being treated as the lesser parent than about the money. Whoever said that to you about her not being your "real" daughter doesn't know what they're talking about. I don't think you're being jealous so much as seeing the frivolity of spending so much money. These are uncertain times in our economy, I'm surprised that anyone is really spending that much on a wedding. If it was my daughter I'd rather give them the money as a wedding gift and see it put in a savings account than just one day. Its a shame people don't see that a dream wedding should be about marrying your dream man, everything else is just the icing on the really great cake.

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Of course you're being cheap, but there's nothing wrong with that. I spent total of $5,000 on my wedding two years ago, with my Mom helping out with $2,000 of it. I"m 31 and my husband will be 40 this December. My husband and I both agreed their were more important expenses such as a house, which we already bought just need to pay off quicker, cars and our kids, which I had a 13 year old and I now have a 10 month old and am 8 months pregnant.
If your husband has already promised the money their is very little you can do. Express your anger and frustration to HIM! Everyone else smile and buy a pretty dress for the event :) There's nothing else you can do.

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I am 33 and just got married on Saturday for the first and only time in my back yard. It was BEAUTIFUL. We got compliments on everything!! We had just gotten back from vacation (where he proposed) and didnt have a lot of money to spend. All of my friends helped with the decorations, centerpieces etc. We probably spent less than $3,000 on the whole wedding. We rented everything from the local rental company. We did buffet style mexican food for dinner. We had catering trays from the local grocery store for appetizers. I downloaded all the music from Napster and burned it onto cd's. We had about 50 guests. I hired a photographer that was local and not a true professional (yet). We had the best time in our own back yard. When I sat down that night to talk to my husband.....I realized it had all passed by like a flash. I wasnt sitting back watching it, so it was over quickly. I will have to watch the videotape to see everything. You dont have to spend lots of money to make it happen. Nothing is guaranteed these days. You may spend tons of money and get divorced the next year. Dont be jealous....I know its hard, but dont. Maybe you can renew your vows later and have the dream gown and all the extras that you didnt have before. If youd like to talk more, I am here for you and would love to help if I can. Take care and good luck.

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Going to have to say I think you are right about the "step parent" look if you say anything. If you have the money to help her out I think you should if she is like a real daughter to you or not. At this point what is done is done and if you say anything I don't think it will do anything but cause waves. That is just my opinion, but if my Dad had chosen to help us with our wedding, which he did not, and my step mom said anything I would have been really upset. Unfortunately that price is about average for a wedding if it is 100 people or more. We cut alot of corners because we paid ourselves and it still came out to $20,000. My other thought is that there is a little jealousy only because you mentioned it, and you are the only one who truly knows how you feel inside. So not that I am an expert, but what is done is done. What good could possibly come out of saying anything. Technically if he tried to take it back she could actually sue you guys! I do think your husband needs 20 lashings with a wet noodle for not discussing this with you!!! That was not cool at all. Hope it all works out and the wedding is beautiful.

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Hi V.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think you may be feeling the "envy blues". My husband and I didn't have a wedding either, or honeymoon, reception or baby showers for our two boys (I also never had b-day parties growing up or Xmas's or any other holiday celebration for that matter)..our oldest son was 4 months old when we got married and since my family was not in "approval" (marrying outside of the religion) nobody came to our wedding and we had no choice but to do it on our own (Santa Ana courthouse on a Wednesday morning!) We were a young struggling family trying to do our best and make the best decisions.
I've always kind of regretted not having at least some sort of celebration. I've never been the type to want a huge wedding, but SOME kind of celebration would have been nice! One of my cousins just got married two weeks ago; of course, we were not invited (again, I don't belong to my family's religion anymore, so I'm considered 'bad association', but all the adulterers and fornicators in my family were invited!!! go figure...ok, another subject for another day.....) My cousins wedding cost over $200,000.00!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that?!?!??! I think it is a bit much, BUT.....it wasn't my wedding and they could afford it and wanted to make the best wedding for their only daughter, and I know I'm feeling bitter because I wasn't invited.
I think you may be feeling some envy because she is getting something you never had. But, instead of feeling envious, you should be happy for her and accept that she is going to have something that you didn't have. Its not her fault that you didn't have a wedding, so try to enjoy this moment for her....remember, its all about HER. I know you may feel the money is a bit much, but you don't want her to grow older feeling the way you do about not having a wedding if she didn't get one....right?!!? There are many people out there that we think may have more than us, or get more than us or be provided more. Someone has a house, we don't....someone has relatives to help with their kids, we don't....someone has a new car, we don't.... but I bet those same friends are looking at us wishing they had things that we have that they don't have. Bottom line is, there will always be someone more privileged, there will always be someone smarter, richer......but instead of dwelling on what someone else has and what someone else will get, just try to enjoy YOUR life and be thankful for what you have and what you have acquired in your life. Be happy with your step-daughter, help her pick out things, shop with her, show your support and happiness for her because right now, that is what she needs from you; you don't want to also regret not sharing in her wedding either!. We don't have a right to judge someone, even if we know they bought a fancy phone or house and we know they can't afford it. Its not our right to judge. They are entitled to make their own decisions whether we agree or not. She is happy and excited and instead of dwelling on the fact that you didn't have a wedding or raining on her parade because you didn't have one, help make this a memorable one for her and this will be one wedding you CAN be a part of and enjoy as well, and one you will remember.
(I hope all this made sense, my boys won't stop pestering me...... ha)

Take care and good luck!
S.

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Dear V.......You are exactly where you need to be given your story. This time is your life is extremely emotionally juicy; the impending empty nest, the wedding, the money, the lack of communication from your husband, your own story, your family history. How else could you be feeling. Novelist and Philosopher Leo Tolstoy reminds us: "Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on how we see them." Your emotional component is such that you are indeed tender.......AND you are experiencing many normal letting-go emotions. What I know as a homeopath is that the proper homeopathic remedy could soothe your emotional state, as well as address any hormonal issues which may be of concern at this time, as well. If you choose to locate a local homeopath, I do not think that you will be disappointed. Safe and natural homeopathy helps a lot of people.

C. Springer, C.Hom.
Rohnert Park

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Hi Vicki,

I went through a similar situation with my stepson and his 16th birthday. His mom wanted to buy him a new car...I thought a used one was fine. His father and I have a daughter together and I had to think about what I would do for her when it's her time to turn 16. I think as parents we just want what is best for our kids. I would first talk to your husband about making the decision without you but I have to say when it came time for my wedding, my dad contributed a small amount of money and I think alot of it had to do with his wife (my stepmom's) influence and I can't help feeling a little resentment towards that. My husband and I saved our money and paid for the majority of the wedding ourselves. I don't know what advice to give you but I can say this, "It's only money." And yes it may only be one day, but it's one of the most memorable days of my life. I'm sorry that you didn't get that for yourself. And agree with what someone else said that maybe it's time for you to renew your vows. Don't let your feelings about not having your own wedding cloud your decision to help your daughter pay for her wedding. Give her what you couldn't have.

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It would have been nice for your husband to have comsulted you first, but now that it's out there, my advice is to just grin and bear it. I regret not having a dream wedding either, and could see being jealous, but I think really you're (understandably) upset that everyone seems to be just throwing money around heedlessly. That said, it's her wedding, and if her mom and dad want to contribute to it, then it's their choice too.
Maybe you should just contribute a nice book on managing your money or weddings on a budget as a 'pre-wedding' gift?

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I think thats too much to spend on a wedding. He's 32 and she's 26, they are clearly adults and shouldn't have mommy and daddy paying for the big wedding THEY want. It sounds like bride and groom to be and her mother are very into showing off. I understand having family pitch in for the cake or photographer, but the idea of the WHOLE wedding being covered by others while they frivolously spend their own money is ridiculous.

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Sounds like you are a level headed mom. so you put your $10,000 in the pot already. You & hubby need to stay firm and not give any more $$$. It will be their first learning experience as married adults...conserve & spend wisely.

I also think an expensive wedding is a waste. I had a simple wedding and it was fine. Some people are show offs, some are not.

To keep yourself from stressing out, you need to be firm with hubby about no more $$$ in private. The rest of the world doesn't need to know about private finances. Then enjoy the wedding from afar. Let bio-mom do all the stressing & pay the additional $$$. She'll take credit for a great wedding whether you help or not. This way if something does arise...you aren't to blame.

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Hi V., if you are looking at the situation from a perspective of "my parents didn't pay for my wedding, why should we pay for hers?" then I believe you are mistaken. But if your feelings are, for example, "they're financially independent, spending at least as much money on everything else they 'want', they can spend as much of their money as they want on a big wedding" I agree. My sibs and I married at a point in our life when we were on our own, working, etc. We all paid for our own weddings (mine was just 2 years ago). I believe the idea that the parent-pays-for-the-wedding is outdated--from when people married young, moving straight from home to marriage and had no means for a wedding. There is so much pressure to have a big wedding--as if NOT having one means you aren't putting much importance on the marriage itself. Time to get over that! What happens if you discuss it with your husband from that kind of a perspective? Who cares what the rest of the family thinks.

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I am not really sure what to say without coming off as rude. I think it is nice your husband will pitch in 10,000.00 for your daughters wedding. This will be the biggest day in her life, and seeing how you didn't have that, don't you want her to have what you wanted and didn't get? It's good she's buying a house with her money. Family is there for help and support and as far as the wedding goes, I can't think of anyones parents who haven't helped. You only have one special day. 28,000.00 now adays is pennies as far as weddings go!!

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Dear V.,

Well, probably you 'gave' between the ages of 1.5 to now much more that $10,000 and $28,000.
You gave confidence and wisdom and time well spent just being there, and cooking, and cleaning, and modeling what a REAL WOMAN does in life.

Just don't spend time on this money situation, they will have to muck it out for themselves. But be sure that you look like a dream Mom at the wedding, and do not lift a finger to do any 'work'. Just enjoy and store up your insights for later. In fact, I am thinking that you might just make lots of notes and write a very thin book for other Moms - and they are legion, that are in the same boat as you are.

I bet you $10 that you spent lots more quality time with your daughter than the other two parents and now they are trying to buy their way in now. Is that too tacky a thing to say? Maybe it is not true. Keep this a secret and don't tell people. Just smile and let the others do what they feel that they have to do. You have already done your best without thinking of a reward or giving a dream day for your daughter, you gave her a dream Mom II and lots of dream days.

My personal opinion of large weddings is that they are over rated. Of course, it is easy to say when one doesn't have the money to do a big wedding. We had a 50 person wedding at our small home last year, and the Bride recently , finally, told me that it was the best day of her life and she loved every moment of it. The closest family and friends were there lots of pictures and great food that the Bride cooked herself. ....and my gr grand daughter and I got to go to bed early together because we were both very tired. A fitting ending for a busy day. (Her parents were the ones being married, she was 3 and gorgeous).

Ah yes, life !!

Sincerely, C. N.

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V., I think your issue is with your husband, first and foremost. He decided for you, which is only going to cause you to think up every reason why you wouldn't/shouldn't do it. If you're asking "Am I jealous?" you're pretty much saying that that IS the truth. Every normal, healthy human has occasional feelings of jealousy. I wouldn't beat yourself up because you don't believe she deserves that big of a gift from you. That's the way you feel, which makes it valid. Maybe you should spend it on her, maybe not. But I don't think, for one minute, that you should let on to HER, or anyone other than your husband, that you feel this way. What your husband did goes against my view of marriage. I totally understand why you feel betrayed and discounted. I would want to know HOW he told himself it was o.k. to spend YOUR money on something that you didn't agree to, prior.

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Hi V.,

I think your feelings are perfectly normal. You're not being cheap and you're not jealous. It's just plain ridiculous the amount of money this one day can cost. Money many couples don't have or shouldn't spend. That being said, when I was 25 I got caught up in the "perfect" wedding as well. My mom paid for EVERYTHING. I didn't feel obligated to help her financially. I was young. As mature as I thought I was, I knew nothing.

I got caught up in impressing my friends. I can tell you right now, had my mom pulled the plug I probalby would have resented her for it, at the time. Now it is 8 years later. I have two children. I save every extra dime for them. My life revolves around them. I make smarter choices about retirement planning, college planning and home investments.

I know this is not advice, I just wanted to say I've been in your daughters shoes. From my point of view, she doesn't know any different than to expect this financial support from you. It's "tradition". I know I didn't know any better than to expect that financial support from my own mother. But now I do.

Make the decision to offer her the money or not and then go and have a great time. Afterall you probably paid for it!

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Weddings are expensive these days. I was married a little over two years ago and our wedding cost close to $40k. Yes it's just one day, but it was the day I was starting my life and commiting myself to my husband. It was worth every penny. My parents didn't have the money to give us, so we paid for the majority of it on our own. But I do know that if my parents had that kind of money they would of paid for it in a heart beat. It is tradition that the brides family pays for the majority of the wedding. I'm sorry to say, but I think you are being very unfair. You need to out your feeling about what you didn't get aside and support your daughter so that she doesn't have the same feeling you have later on. This is her big day, something a girl dreams of all her life. Do everything you can to support her. In the end you'll be very happy you did. :-)

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I agree that it is a lot of money for one day, but look at it this way: 10,000 is a bargain. However, maybe, away from her mom, you should talk to your husband about talking to her (or you talk to her, but I don't know who it would sound better from) about financial responsibility in general. Do they have a house yet? Maybe instead of freely spending they could be saving for a house? I think that a lot of my generation lost out on that lesson because a lot of us had parents who grew up without, and who didn't want their kids to do the same, so they gave them a lot with out having to earn it. Now an obsene percentage of us are in debt. It might be a good time for you to talk to her about it, and possibly to know how you feel about her spending money on other stuff while you dropped a ton of money on her special day. I know I would be receptive to that. My parents paid for my wedding, too, but I picked up whatever small expenses I could afford and wasn't spending any extra money at all at the time. Anyway, good luck!

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Hi Vikki,

I hope what ever I say in this response you do not get upset. I believe the truth is better than nothing. Okay, when I read your request I mostly get out of it as if you are jealous more than anything. It is okay to be jealous but if you can help her out go for it. I do believe you are a "MOTHER" figure to her and do not look at her as if she is just you "step-daughter" Being in her life since she was 1.5 years old is a long time. No one should treat you like that. I do agree with you about their spending habits. That is way out of control and they should spend it towards the wedding instead of an i-phone, motorcycle. A house on the other hand is an investment and a wise choice on their part.
About the wedding...I have no idea if $28,000 is a lot for a wedding. My husband and I at 22 years old got married at the justice of the peace and had a small reception at a restaurant with other people dinning right next to us. So, we did small (and I regret it too) and just cannot give an opinion on it. Will you step daughter let you help her plan the wedding? Maybe you can talk her in to some cheaper stuff?
Be happy and talk with your husband about the money being spent. You should have a voice in the marriage as well and how the funds are used. About the empty nest situation...My mother-in-law got a dog after my husband (her youngest) left the house. She said having an animal to take care of helped relieve the empty nest. I really do hope your situation works out for you. Take care :)

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Your feelings are valid. You are not being "cheap". If you are married your spouse is OBLIGATED to discuss w/you and come to a mutual decision or a the very least compromise on any large dollar purchase made while you're married ... regardless of who brings in the income or what it is being spent for. You say he "committed" $10k, assuming he hasn't already handed over cash already it's not too late to adjust this. Let's see - 3 kids right? So, I'm guessing your husband hasn't realized he's actually "committing" $30k to all the kids for weddings? That's alot. Can he really afford that? Do you have any current repairs, bills or retirement savings builtup that you should address 1st before volunteering such a huge amount of money to a one day affair that really goes to everyone else but the bride and groom? And what happens if unfortuantely it doesn't work out, is the money gone, did they spend the money on an item that his daughter will only recv 1/2 of in the end. Maybe he should consider giving her a CD or putting a monetary amount in a trust for her and a future heir (grandchild) which could still be controlled by the two of you so if something does go wrong in future your daughter's monetary gift is still protected for her use alone. Maybe just pay for the photography (that's a few thousand alone these days or just the wedding cake about $300?) You're contribution should be based on what you can truly afford at this time. But most importantly the only gift you need give her is love, support and true happiness for this new chapter in her life...it shouldn't be measured by how much money you can give her for a one day affair that it sounds like they can afford to pay for themselves and should be paying for themselves. (there I said it.....)

you'd never know it from the above but I belong to the "too tender hearted" club myself. Hang in there, but say your peace before it's too late.

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I did not read through all of the responses, but recommend to you that you treat both daughters equally, whether biological or step. That means that you and your husband have also commited $10,000 to your biological daughter's wedding and her father can give whatever he wants. If you and your current husband cannot afford $20,000 (or more if you have more children), then you need to jointly reconsider the offer to the stepdaughter. Weddings cost an average of $30,000. They can be less expensive (on a Sunday, brunch instead of dinner, making your own centerpieces and invitations, etc) or much, much more. The conversation should have occured years ago - we will give you X dollars toward your wedding and whatever else you want to spend is up to you. I think the same thing applies to college - parents are not obligated to spend all of their money on their children. Mine gave my sister and I equal amounts for college and for our weddings and we paid the rest ourselves. It establishes responsibility and making a budget and sticking to it.
As far as your other question, get out of the house and do what you have always wanted to do NOW. I have hospitalized a woman for severe depression with your exact story - was a mom, now kids gone, and life is over. If all you want to do is be a mom, start a daycare in your house, volunteer at a community center, work in a preschool, etc, but do something to make a contribution to other people or you will get more and more depressed. This is a danger with women who commit their lives to their kids then 18yr later find themselves lost and alone. A part time job is enormously beneficial. Good luck!

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I think you are absolutely right. My husband and I got married in 2004, and our entire wedding (including the honeymoon) was less than $6,000. We were both 24, and we used our own money plus some money from both of our parents. You do not have to spend that much money to have a beautiful wedding! All of these people who say they had to spend $30,000+ dollars on a wedding are ridiculous! I loved my special day, and I am thrilled that I didn't have to go into debt over it!
Unfortunately, your husband does not seem to think it's ridiculous, so you really need to talk to him. If he decides on giving his daughter the money, I don't know how much you can do about it. I hope it all works out.

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I hate to say, that's how much weddings cost these days. It's amazing how much all the little things add up. I think that $10,000 is a fair contribution. It could have been worse. Hopefully isn't a hardship to you. You can't compare your own experience with hers, not fair to you or to her.
I agree, they should be more resopnsible with their money right now, but buying a house and starting a business is exactly what they should be spending their own money on.

Weddings are stressful on everyone, but when that day comes, you'll be happy and forget about all the bad things. See if she'll include you in the planning, but don't get your feelings hurt if she doesn't want help. She might have it all planned out in her mind.
:o) Good Luck!

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Weddings are expensive. We spent $30,000 of our own money. My parents gave $5000 (might I add that I'm a stepdaughter too) & my inlaws paid for the rehearsal dinner. I don't think they are spending an unrealistic amount of money on their wedding it just may seem that way.
I can't say that I agree that they are spending money on other things i.e. the phone, etc. If you are worried that they're going to spend your money on this items pay the vendors directly.
I think your issue of the amount of money needs to be with your husband, not your daughter. Your husband is the one who promised the money.
Yes, you are being jealous. It is a natural feeling & one you should be honest about, but as you say, you are the adult. GET OVER IT and be as supportive as you can. Remember with marriage comes children & you don't want your daughter to resent you and keep you from the grandkids. This point may seem unrealistic but I personally know women who don't visit their parents because they have done something that is hurtful.
I hope I don't sound like a b**** but I think the relationship is the most important thing. Money comes & goes but family is forever!
Good luck

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It sounds to me that the biggest part is that you didn't get your "dream" wedding and your daughter is going to. For now, this isn't about you (although I think you should have been involved in the decision on how much money to give her). I agree that the amount of money being spent is ridiculous, it could be a down payment on a house, buy a car, pay off student loans, etc. However, every little girl dreams of her wedding day, not the day she buys a house, just as you did. I think you and your husband should renew your vows and you should have YOUR dream wedding. Maybe if you have that to look forward to you can be happier for your daughter. (All this being said is assuming you guys can budget for the $10,000.)

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V.,

While I believe it should be something you and her Dad discuss and come to a understanding about. I think it should be something you and the biological mother split 50/50, unless one or the other is in a critical state financially.

I am curious to know how you paid for the daughters extended education, also is the bio mom remarried with other children?
Either way the sour grapes thing maybe equal to the cheap thing. I really did not intend this to be a harsh response, that being said I commend you for caring enought to quiry the other moms on here. It takes guts to be vulnerable enough to say what you have about the situtation. Perhaps you could rationally speak with bio mom and dad regarding a joint donation to the wedding.

The thing about money is everyone feels emotional(money does that to people, regardless of how much or how little they have)when it comes to how to use it. If your stepdaughter and her mate make the money they spend on iphones,motorcycles,house's and anything else they so choose to do, it is there business. Perhaps you have been a stay at home mom and not in control of the money your spouse brings in, or you have had to struggle and feel the daughter is not recognizing the challenges you might be experiencing with money.

You also mentioned another daughter now would be a good time to decide a set amount to give each child (son or daughter)upon the day they choose a mate for life, that way there is no confusion as to if your own biological child would be different. I hope you can see another opinion in this response having four children of my own (24 to 5)three girls and one son we have long ago had this disscussion, but it is very personal as it always is when it comes to money.

Good luck I hope the wedding is a begining to a sucessful marriage.

P.S.
As an after thought perhaps a return policy on the money if the marriage doesn't last past a given time ie. 1 to 5 years. If you choose to make a stipulation such as that I would have that be standard for all of the kids.

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